The Top 25 How Was This Film Ever Made List
You know you've all been there -- maybe you were coerced by a friend, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a parent; maybe it was late and you were bored; maybe you thought you wanted a mindless movie to just make fun of and regretted ever picking it up off the shelves. This list is for all of you out there who thought after watching a movie, who the hell greenlit that piece of junk and how come I don't have his job?
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25 titles
- DirectorHark TsuiStarsJean-Claude Van DammeDennis RodmanMickey RourkeAn international spy teams up with an arms dealer to escape from a penal colony and rescue his family from a terrorist.Van Damme had already lost popularity, and they decide, hey, buddy cop duo with Rodman?
- DirectorRachel TalalayStarsLori PettyIce-TNaomi WattsA girl is among the few survivors of a dystopian Earth. Riding a war tank, she fights against the tyranny of a mega-corporation that dominates the remaining potable water supply of the planet.While this is based on a comic with a cult following and a satire about an unlikely super hero could be funny, the second they cast Lori Petty, it goes on the list. For like a year I never let a friend of mine win a debate, because he went to see this in the theater. The conversation went like this:
"Oh yeah, I was dumb for doing this, well, you paid to see Tank Girl, so you can shut your mouth!" - DirectorPeter JacksonStarsDanny MulheronDonna AkerstenStuart DevenieMultiple animals and insects experience the sleazier side of show business while working on a variety show.Did anyone ever say you know what's missing from those muppet movies? Illicit drug use and hardcore sex! Yes, we can all get on board with that. Maybe not.
- DirectorGuy RitchieStarsMadonnaAdriano GianniniBruce GreenwoodA snooty socialite is stranded on a Mediterranean island with a communist sailor.One has to imagine the thinking behind Guy Ritchie making this movie -- "I love my wife very much, what should I get her for her birthday?
"Oh, I know! An acting vehicle for her immense talent." - DirectorRon UnderwoodStarsEddie MurphyJay MohrRandy QuaidIn the future, a man struggles to keep his lunar nightclub out of the hands of the Mafia.This movie kept getting shelved for production problems: solution, throw more money at it!
- DirectorBJ DavisStarsBrandon LeeDebi A. MonahanErnest BorgnineAction superstar Brandon Lee portrays rebellious government agent Michael Gold who is sent on a desperate mission to a Soviet-controlled African nation in order to uncover a top-secret laser weapons operation and destroy it.For the name alone it deserves to be on this list.
- DirectorPeter ChelsomStarsWarren BeattyDiane KeatonNastassja KinskiTwo loving middle aged couples get caught in a series of marital misadventures over reasons of fidelity.The movie might have had potential, but when Warren Beatty asks for a $100 million check to make it, you should probably say no.
- DirectorWillard HuyckStarsLea ThompsonJeffrey JonesTim RobbinsA sarcastic humanoid duck is pulled from his homeworld to Earth where he must stop an alien invasion with the help of a nerdy scientist and a struggling female rock singer.This movie almost didn't make the list, because it's just too easy -- but George Lucas? Really? You heard the words talking alien duck detective and thought to yourself, let's give this man a budget to work with!
- DirectorJoseph SargentStarsLorraine GaryLance GuestMario Van PeeblesChief Brody's widow believes that her family is deliberately being targeted by another shark in search of revenge.After years of horrifying encounters with rogue sharks, the Brady family decides to move to the Caribbean. Somehow the original shark's offspring somehow gets their travel itinerary and decides to show up first -- to get revenge...yes, revenge.
- DirectorRoger SpottiswoodeStarsSylvester StalloneEstelle GettyJoBeth WilliamsA tough police sergeant's overbearing mother comes to visit him and begins to meddle in his life and career.Yes, we think that pairing up one of the baddest mofo action stars ever to grace the silver screen with the tiny woman from The Golden Girls is pure genius too.
- DirectorRobert IscoveStarsKelly ClarksonJustin GuariniKatherine BailessA waitress from Texas and a college student from Pennsylvania meet during spring break in Fort Lauderdale, Florida and come together through their shared love of singing.I honestly don't think the producers of this film understood how terrible those old Frankie Avalon movies actually were. Maybe they do now.
- DirectorTom PutnamStarsParis HiltonJoel David MooreChristine LakinA woman agrees to go on a date with a man only if he finds a suitor for her unattractive best friend.Well, Paris Hilton is this..... don't need to hear any more, it's on the list.
- DirectorNicholas WebsterStarsJohn CallLeonard HicksVincent BeckThe Martians kidnap Santa Claus because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.If it weren't for Mystery Science Theater 3000, I would have never found out Tim Burton and Henry Selick's inspiration for their haunting tale of Jack Skellington and his wish for bringing Christmas to the children -- no, I'm not being serious.
- DirectorKevin Alyn EldersStarsDennis RodmanDane CookJohn PinetteBasketball superstar Dennis Rodman stars as a hip Interpol agent attempting to defeat the deadly plans of a crazed arms dealer.Dennis Rodman's brilliant performance in Double Team earned him this masterful role -- OK, I can't keep a straight face Dennis Rodman plays a spy? Really? Also, Dane Cook is in it. I mean, come on.
- DirectorWes CravenStarsNeve CampbellCourteney CoxDavid ArquetteTen years have passed, and Sidney Prescott, who has put herself back together thanks in part to her writing, is visited by the Ghostface Killer.If 2 and 3 weren't bad enough, they decided to give Wes Craven one more crack at getting the sequel right.
- DirectorDavid KelloggStarsVanilla IceKristin MinterNaomi CampbellA rapper gets stuck in a small town and falls for a local girl whose family is in witness protection.Oh yes, that says Vanilla Ice in bold block letters at the top of that purple cover.
- DirectorMorey FineburghStarsLloyd Garner IIIPaige AbbottJoe HallWhen Anus Magillicutty's woman stops a would-be assassin, Anus is forced to interrupt his life of guzzling beer and women to dispose of the corpse. What starts as a simple chore quickly escalates into a darker plot of deceit and revenge where it seems even Satan himself is after Anus.Who hears that title and wants them to continue the pitch?
- DirectorLawrence GutermanStarsJamie KennedyTraylor HowardAlan CummingTim Avery, an aspiring cartoonist, finds himself in a predicament when his dog stumbles upon the mask of Loki. Then after conceiving an infant son "born of the mask", he discovers just how looney child raising can be.Baby with superpowers who fights the Norse god Loki for control of the Mask -- sure, that sounds like a perfectly legitimate storyline for a sequel.
- DirectorJohn MurlowskiStarsHulk HoganDon StarkRobin CurtisA heartless millionaire believes he is Santa Claus after an accident renders him amnesiac.Hulk Hogan as an evil millionaire (OK, I can buy that, especially after the horrorshow that was Hogan Knows Best) who wakes up with amnesia and thinks he's Santa Claus -- nope, it's on the list.
- DirectorKevin CostnerStarsKevin CostnerWill PattonLarenz TateA nameless drifter dons a postman's uniform and bag of mail as he begins a quest to inspire hope to the survivors living in post-apocalyptic America.Yes my friends, a no-name drifter who commits a felony by impersonating a federal postal worker brings civilization back from the brink of destruction in three short hours.
- DirectorLisa FranceStarsCarlos LeonEric SmithJackie QuinonesThe coming of age story of a young female rapper, who finds her inspiration by reading the Diary of Anne Frank.Yo check my flow -- The Diary of Anne Frank...the rap edition!
- DirectorFarhad MannStarsPatrick BerginMatt FrewerAustin O'BrienThey thought they had destroyed him, but the simple gardener-turned-superkiller has found a way to reboot himself in Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace.Because the first one was so brilliant, we just had to make a sequel!
- DirectorMark JonesStarsWarwick DavisJennifer AnistonKen OlandtAn evil, sadistic Leprechaun goes on a killing rampage in search of his beloved pot of gold.Yes, my friends. I know it is a cult favorite, but seriously -- we have this evil leprechaun who comes to life when his gold gets stolen, who rides a tricycle at highway speeds and is slowed down only by his obsessive desire to shine shoes...it's on the list.
- DirectorPaul Michael GlaserStarsShaquille O'NealFrancis CapraAlly WalkerA troubled kid inadvertently releases a genie, who must grant him any three wishes he requests.Because shaquille o'neal as a genie...yeah
- DirectorJohn FortenberryStarsChris KattanWill FerrellRaquel GardnerTwo dim-witted brothers dream of owning their own dance club or at least getting into the coolest and most exclusive club in town, The Roxbury.Two socially awkward mutes who bob their heads to one of the worst abominations of a song ever to come out of the dance craze of the 90's was annoying for 90 seconds, yet somehow someone thought it was a good idea to stretch it out for 90 MINUTES!