- Zack Thomas: They tell me them boots ain't built for walking.
- Joe Jarrett: They ain't exactly house slippers
- Joe Jarrett: Well, you made a mistake: you should have shot off his gun hand.
- Matson: It wouldn't make any difference. Go ahead, shoot it off and I'll still get you. You shoot out my eyes, and I'll still find you! If you put a bullet in my heart then I'll make a deal with the devil! I'd trade him for just enough time to come back from hell and kill you! You hear me? I'm gonna kill you!
- Zack Thomas: Well if I have to die, I prefer being killed by the hand of a beautiful woman.
- Elya Carlson: If you're not careful, my darling, you might just have your wish.
- Harvey Burden: I sometimes fear I don't have the intestinal fortitude this job requires.
- Zack Thomas: I thinks guts is the word, Harv. What you don't have is guts.
- Angel: Come on. You heard him. You and I are gonna fight together now, Chad.
- Chad: Against who?
- Angel: Against who? Against them. That's who. Come on!
- Chad: It don't seem right, Angel. Us fightin' together. Why?
- Angel: Why? Because they are the bad guys. That's why.
- Chad: Ain't we the bad guys?
- Angel: No! We are the good guys!
- Elya Carlson: In my country we have a saying: "a secret whispered in a coffee house is as confidential as a headline in a newspaper".
- Joe Jarrett: [to Zack, about Matson] You know, if you ever need a friend... I wouldn't count on that character.
- Zack Thomas: How 'bout we get down to business?
- Joe Jarrett: Well I drink much better standing up than sittin'.
- Zack Thomas: Tell me something Mr. Jarrett, how many states would you say you're wanted in?
- Joe Jarrett: How many states are there Mr. Thomas?
- Joe Jarrett: Oh, I give you a hundred thousand dollars and you'll give me pardon, right? You know in most states I can buy a pardon for five thousand dollars and they'll throw in a governor.
- Zack Thomas: Of course you must be thinking of Rhode Island. This here is Texas.
- Joe Jarrett: ...And then there are the kids...
- Zack Thomas: Kids?
- Joe Jarrett: ...All twenty five of them.
- Zack Thomas: Twenty five? You must have the fastest horse in Texas. You'd better have a little more of this to keep your strength up.
- Maxine Richter: [Talking about a nude portraid of herself] This was the only thing my husband left me. He was a... connoisseur of art.
- Joe Jarrett: It's a shame he didn't leave you any clothes to go with it.
- [first lines]
- Joe Jarrett: Take a good look at him. He's the bad guy. And Joe Jarrett - that's me, and Zack Thomas, we're the good guys.
- Matson: Let's go.
- Joe Jarrett: Don't try and talk me out of this loot, Zack. I'm no soft hearted railroad president.
- Zack Thomas: I'm trying to talk you into something. Now this here's a lot of money.
- Joe Jarrett: Oh, yeah. Ordinarily a hundred thousand dollars'll be enough for two, but not me. You see, I was born greedy.
- Zack Thomas: But this money's just the beginning, Joe. If my plan works, we'll get a half a million a year.
- Joe Jarrett: Why, thank you, Zach.
- Zack Thomas: Now, you want to buy in?
- Joe Jarrett: I think I'll quit while I'm ahead. Nothing personal, mind you. No, I'm beginning to like you too. And a man who'd try to con you when he has a gun held on him can't be all bad.
- Zack Thomas: Well, like you just said. I guess you underrated me, Joe.
- Maxine Richter: How do you feel about marriage, Joe?
- Joe Jarrett: Fine, but who'd have us?
- [pause]
- Joe Jarrett: Oh, no, Max. You're not thinking about marriage?
- Maxine Richter: No. Of course not. Why should I think about marriage?
- Joe Jarrett: That's why I like you, Max. You got brains. You think like a man.
- Maxine Richter: I'm glad, Joe. Then it doesn't bother you that I'm a woman?
- Joe Jarrett: With what you got on, I'd be in trouble if you were a man.
- Joe Jarrett: Well, here we go, Prince George.
- Prince George: Yes, sir.
- Joe Jarrett: Alright, the show is on.
- Zack Thomas: What do you suggest?
- Joe Jarrett: Well, I don't like to louse up a new sporting jacket, but I think... well, maybe you and I, we could settle this between us, you know. Winner take all.
- [last lines]
- Joe Jarrett: [narrating voice over] Good guys always get married and live happily ever after. If it don't turn out too good, well, Zack and me, we figure we can always light out. And uh... oh, yeah, this is the end.
- Elya Carlson: [from trailer] In this country, you really need only a little patience and self discipline.
- Maxine Richter: Discipline?
- Elya Carlson: Yes, to know what to give and when to get it. And I must say my dear, you do know when and what.
- Elya Carlson: [from trailer] If Mr. Thomas every gets tired of me and spends his evenings with other ladies...
- Chad: You'll cut his own throat.
- Moe: Captain, help me out, will you? I'm dealing with two mental midgets here. Now, when I say "go", we'll all point to the right. Go!
- [they all point in different directions. Joe slaps them]
- Joe Jarrett: Go!
- Joe Jarrett: Okay, start loading. Paper money first. Come on. Don't pout. Just fill the bag. Lets go. Hurry it up. Man, it's gonna be pretty easy to spend that money. Don't forget those. All the sacks. Remember what the Good Book says, now: cheaters never prosper, square-shooters always win. Come on. Lay it up here.
- Zack Thomas: I don't know what Good Book you been readin'; but, I suggest a change in literature. 'Cause what your readin' ain't doin' you much good.
- Joe Jarrett: That's what they told me just before I burned down the Sunday School.
- Joe Jarrett: Looks like money. Feels like money. Sounds like money! It's a lovely sound - money.
- Zack Thomas: Too bad it ain't all gold. That way you could pleasure yourself to death just listening to it.
- Joe Jarrett: You know, I figure you got a name, boy.
- Zack Thomas: Thomas, Zechariah Thomas. And you? Don't make no matter. I'll find out sooner or later.
- Joe Jarrett: Jarrett, Joe Jarrett.
- Zack Thomas: I'm gonna take the horses. All of 'em.
- Joe Jarrett: What about me?
- Zack Thomas: Did you hear what the Injun said when they asked him how come he was ridin' and the squaw was walking? He said, "She got no horse." Now, you just take the group of the horses there and you start walkin' out there to the money. I'll be right behind you.
- Joe Jarrett: If that's what the Indian said, he must have been a pretty smart Indian.
- Zack Thomas: You're mighty agreeable for a man who's about to lose $100,000.
- Joe Jarrett: Well, easy come, easy go.
- Miss Emmaline: Where have you been? What have you been doing?
- Joe Jarrett: Well, there's not too much to tell. After I left here I got out of law school, drifted some, practiced a little here and there, spent a couple of years in the war - on the wrong side, naturally, then I came right back here.
- Elya Carlson: [reading a wanted poster] Joe Jarrett. Wanted for 16 counts of larceny, embezzlement, grand theft, fraud and disorderly conduct. Not bad. A shave. Bath. Quite handsome, actually. Disorderly conduct.
- [smiles]
- Elya Carlson: Hmmm!
- Zack Thomas: You know, I'm beginning to feel there's a conspiracy going on. Not against me. That I could handle. This is a little more devious. It's just every damn thing that I want, is done one second before I want it done.
- Brunhilde: Ya, but, Mr. Thomas, ve jus do what Madame Carlson tells us to.
- Zack Thomas: Of course. Of course.
- Brunhilde: I hope you enjoyed your rub down today.
- Zack Thomas: Oh, it was - exciting.
- Susie: I hope I didn't make your shower too hot for you, Monsieur Thomas.
- Elya Carlson: I doubt if you could ever make anything too hot for Mr. Thomas.
- Zack Thomas: Just a touch, Fifi. You know how I like it. And don't say, "Oui, Monsieur Thomas."
- Fifi: Oui, Monsieur Thomas.
- Elya Carlson: I'll be waiting for you - in the bedroom.
- Zack Thomas: It won't take long. I'll be right there.
- Harvey Burden: Zach, what are you going to do about that $100,000?
- Zack Thomas: Harvey, if you were a young fella full of beans with a $100,000, where would you go?
- Harvey Burden: How should I know? I loath beans!
- Harvey Burden: Zach, that means that you don't trust me.
- Zack Thomas: On the contrary, I trust you just as much as you trust me.
- Zack Thomas: What'd you say he was staying?
- Chad: The Congress.
- Zack Thomas: You get over there and tell him I'd like to see him in a half hour at Orlando's and I'm buying.
- Chad: Sure, boss. Buyin' what?
- Zack Thomas: Lunch!
- Chad: Yeah. Suppose he ain't hungry?
- Zack Thomas: You just tell him from me that it is the only place in town where the women are young and the bourbon is aged. He'll be there.
- Harvey Burden: I feel obliged to warn Zach.
- Matson: No, you won't warn Zach, Harvey. 'Cause if you do, I'm gonna put a bullet right into that belly! I know you're afraid of spending a long time in jail, Harv. But, it's a whole lot better than spending a long time dyin'!
- Zack Thomas: Elya, honey, I was wondering if you might...
- Elya Carlson: What were you just wondering, exactly? When you get that tone in your voice and call me "honey, Elya," you're usually after something.
- Zack Thomas: You are the most suspicious woman! I was wondering if you wouldn't be nice to him.
- Elya Carlson: Nice? How nice?
- Zack Thomas: About $75,000 worth of nice.
- Maxine Richter: There is an unwritten law of the sea, I must make you welcome on my ship. Come aboard.
- Joe Jarrett: Yes, Ma'am!
- Maxine Richter: I'm looking for a deal. If somebody wanted to fix this boat up as a gambling casino, for instance, I would be interested in any proposition.
- Joe Jarrett: I like the service on this boat. I think I could make you a proposition.
- Maxine Richter: Good!