Major John Reisman: [Kinder has just finished a psychiatric evaluation of Reisman's troops] So what does that give you?
Capt. Stuart Kinder: Doesn't give me anything. But along with these other results, it gives *you* just about the most twisted, anti-social bunch of psychopathic deformities I have ever run into! And the worst, the most dangerous of the bunch, is Maggott. You've got one religious maniac, one malignant dwarf, two near-idiots... and the rest I don't even wanna think about!
Major John Reisman: Well, I can't think of a better way to fight a war.
Capt. Stuart Kinder: These people don't know their enemy is the Germans. They think the enemy is their own United States Army!
Major John Reisman: Maybe that's because the Germans haven't done anything to them yet.
Victor R. Franko: Hey! What's the matter with you? You think I want to die? Ha! If you think that then you don't know Victor Franko.
Major John Reisman: Any questions?
Maggot: Suh? Do we have to eat with niggahs?
[Jefferson jumps Maggot]
Sergeant Clyde Bowren: [as Reisman exits the room] : What's going on, sir?
Major John Reisman: Oh, the gentleman from the South had a question about the dining arrangements. He and his comrades are discussing place settings now.
Samson Posey: I reckon the folks'd be a sight happier if I died like a soldier. Can't say I would.
Joseph T. Wladislaw: Killin' generals could get to be a habit with me.
Major John Reisman: You've seen a general inspecting troops before haven't you? Just walk slow, act dumb and look stupid!
Pinkley: [impersonating a general] Very pretty, Colonel, Very pretty, But, can they fight?
Soldier: 1. Down to the road block, we've just begun 2. The guards are through 3. The Major's men are on a spree 4. Major and Wladislaw go through the door 5. Pinkley stays out in the drive 6. The Major gives the rope a fix 7. Wladislaw throws the hook to heaven 8. Jimenez has got a date 9. The other guys go up the line 10. Sawyer and Lever are in the pen 11. Posey guards points five and seven 12. Wladislaw and the Major go down to delve 13. Franko goes up without being seen 14. Zero-hour - Jimenez cuts the cable, Franko cuts the phone 15. Franko goes in where the others have been 16. We all come out like it's Halloween.
Major John Reisman: I never went in for embroidery, just results.
Joseph T. Wladislaw: I wish I could read this. I think it's dirty.
Col. Everett Dasher Breed: Reisman! Some people may consider you a first-class officer. But as far as I'm concerned, you're a disorganized, undisciplined clown. I'm gonna' make it my business to run you out of this Army.
Major John Reisman: I owe you an apology, colonel. I always thought that you were a cold, unimaginative, tight-lipped officer. But you're really quite emotional, aren't you?
Major John Reisman: What do you think, Sergeant?
Sergeant Clyde Bowren: I think you'll do just fine, sir.
Major John Reisman: [emphatically] Don't give me that! I said what do you think?
Sergeant Clyde Bowren: I think the first chance one of those lovers gets, he's going to shoot the Major right in the head... sir.
Maj. Gen. Worden: This war was *not* started for your private gratification, and you can be damned sure it's not being run for your personal convenience, either!
Maggot: It's judgment day, sinners! Come out, come out wherever you are!
Sergeant Clyde Bowren: [Sergeant Bowren is introducing the prisoners for Major Reisman] Franko, V.R.; death by hanging. Vladek, M.; thirty years hard labor. Jefferson, R. T.; death by hanging. Pinkley, V.L.; thirty years imprisonment. Gilpin, S.; thirty years hard labor. Posey, S.; death by hanging. Wladislaw, T.; death by hanging. Sawyer, S. K.; twenty years hard labor. Lever, R.; twenty years imprisonment. Bravos, T.R.; twenty years hard labor. Jiminez, J.P.; twenty years hard labor. Maggott, A.J.; death by hanging.
Major John Reisman: Posey, what did they lock you up for? I mean, what did you do?
Samson Posey: I already told you that sir.
Major John Reisman: Well tell me again. I'm sure your friends over here would like to know too.
Samson Posey: This fella kept pushing me. I don't like t be pushed so I hit him.
Major John Reisman: Killed a man with your bare hands because he shoved you?
Samson Posey: I only hit him once.
Major John Reisman: Only him him once. And drove his jawbone right through his brain because he pushed him.
Major John Reisman: Boy, do I love that Franko.
Major John Reisman: You know what to do, free the French and shoot the Germans!
Gen. Denton: I take it you don't deny your responsibility for the fact that on the night of April 14/15, a military establishment of the United States Army was the scene of a drunken party! At which no less than seven female civilians took an active part!
Major John Reisman: [deadpan] Oh yes, sir, they took an active part.
[Gen. Worden muffles a laugh]
Major John Reisman: [after going through the 16 steps of the mission on the plane, someone says Seventeen] Seventeen. D-day. We get out as best we can and make our way to the coast. And hope that the entire invasion hasn't been a total disaster. Otherwise, we got a long swim home.