The Jerk : Quotes

Navin R. Johnson: For one dollar I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.
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Navin R. Johnson: Well I'm gonna to go then! And I don't need any of this. I don't need this stuff, and I don't need *you*. I don't need anything. Except this.
[picks up an ashtray]
Navin R. Johnson: And that's the only thing I need is *this*. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray... And this paddle game. - The ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need... And this remote control. - The ashtray, the paddle game, and the remote control, and that's all I need... And these matches. - The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control, and the paddle ball... And this lamp. - The ashtray, this paddle game, and the remote control, and the lamp, and that's all *I* need. And that's *all* I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one... I need this. - The paddle game and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches for sure. Well what are you looking at? What do you think I'm some kind of a jerk or something! - And this. That's all I need.
[walking outside]
Navin R. Johnson: The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, and this magazine, and the chair.
Navin R. Johnson: [outside now] And I don't need one other thing, except my dog.
[Shithead growls at him]
Navin R. Johnson: I don't need my dog.
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Mother: Navin, I'd love you if you were the color of a baboon's ass.
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[first lines]
Navin R. Johnson: Huh? I am *not* a bum. I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends, and... uh... my thermos. Huh? My story? Okay. It was never easy for me. I was born a poor black child. I remember the days, sittin' on the porch with my family, singin' and dancin' down in Mississippi...
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[a sniper keeps missing Navin and hitting cans of motor oil]
Navin R. Johnson: He hates these cans. Stay away from the cans.
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[Navin recites some wisdom]
Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.
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Navin R. Johnson: [singing] I'm picking out a Thermos for you. Not an ordinary Thermos for you. But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in.
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Navin R. Johnson: The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
Harry Hartounian: Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.
Navin R. Johnson: Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.
[the Sniper points to Navin's name in the phone book]
Sniper: Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical bastard.
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[Speaking to Marie in bed while she sleeps]
Navin R. Johnson: I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.
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Mother: Navin, it's your birthday, and it's time you knew. You're not our natural-born child.
Navin R. Johnson: I'm not? You mean I'm gonna STAY this color?
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[Stan Fox's eyeglasses keep slipping off]
Stan Fox: Damn these glasses son.
Navin R. Johnson: Yes, sir.
[to the glasses]
Navin R. Johnson: I damn thee.
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Navin R. Johnson: Why are you crying? And why are you wearing that old dress?
Marie: Because I just heard a song on the radio that reminded me of the way we were.
Navin R. Johnson: What was it?
Marie: "The Way We Were."
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Navin R. Johnson: First I get my name in the phone book and now I'm on your ass. You know, I'll bet more people see that than the phone book.
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[in bed]
Navin R. Johnson: You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look dead. And I'm glad, because there's something I want to say that's always been very difficult for me to say.
[pause]
Navin R. Johnson: "I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit." There. I've never been relaxed enough around anyone to say that.
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Navin R. Johnson: I'm gonna bounce back and when I do I'm gonna buy you a diamond so big it's gonna make you puke.
Marie: I don't wanna puke.
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Motel Guest: Don't call that dog "lifesaver;" call him "shithead."
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[Marie, back at Navin's trailer... ]
Navin R. Johnson: Can I ask you a personal question?
Marie: What is it?
Navin R. Johnson: Now be totally honest: you do have a boyfriend, don't you?
Marie: Kind of...
Navin R. Johnson: I know this is our first date but... do you think, the next time you make love to your boyfriend, you could think of me?
Marie: Well, I haven't made love to him yet.
Navin R. Johnson: That's too bad... Do you think it's possible that someday, you could make love with me and think of him?
Marie: Who knows, maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.
Navin R. Johnson: I'd just be happy to be in there somewhere.
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New Accounts Bank Manager: I will need two pieces of identification.
Navin R. Johnson: Ah yes. I have my temporary driver's license - and - my astronaut application form... I didn't pass that though, I failed everything but the date of birth.
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Marie: I don't care about losing all the money. It's losing all the stuff.
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Sniper: Die, you random son of a bitch.
[shoots at Navin but hits a display of oil cans]
Navin R. Johnson: He hates these cans!
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[last lines]
Navin R. Johnson: [voiceover] I was so glad to be going home. I remembered the days when I sang and danced with my family on the porch of the old house. But things change, and with all the additions to the family, we had to tear down the old house, even though we loved it. But we built us a bigger one.
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Navin R. Johnson: Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?
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Marie: You live here? Oh, it's nice. Did you decorate it?
Navin R. Johnson: Yeah, I got all this stuff from the old Cup 'o Pizza place before they tore it down.
Marie: Good pizza.
[the two are eating pizza in a cup]
Navin R. Johnson: Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup 'o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all over to eat this.
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Navin R. Johnson: [bleakly] I've already given away eight pencils, two hoola dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.
Frosty: Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap, which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.
Navin R. Johnson: Ah... It's a profit deal. Takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a chance and win some crap!
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Navin R. Johnson: [upset about the escargot entre] First they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the drinks, and now snails on the food, two boobs!
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Carl Reiner: Let me show you a clip from my latest film where my faulty depth perception kept me from yelling "cut" at the right time.
[on a movie set, just as a car plummets off a cliff, Reiner yells]
Carl Reiner: Cut!
[but it's too late, and the car explodes at the bottom of the cliff; back to the press conference]
Carl Reiner: If I had yelled "cut" on time, those actors would be alive today.
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Sniper: EVERYDAY RANDOM SON OF A BITCH! TAKE THAT YOU RUN OF THE MILL BASTARD! DIE GAS PUMPER!
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Sniper: HEY! HE'S NOT CARNIVAL PERSONNEL!
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Truck Driver Picking Up Navin: St. Louis?
Navin R. Johnson: No, Navin Johnson.
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Patty Bernstein: [provocatively] You know what I wanna do?
Navin R. Johnson: What's that?
Patty Bernstein: Guess *your* weight.
[starts squeezing on him everywhere]
Navin R. Johnson: Hey, you're really trying to be accurate!
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Navin R. Johnson: These hoodlums are dangerous. I think we oughta get out of here before she sees us.
Marie: She?
Navin R. Johnson: What?
Marie: You said she.
Navin R. Johnson: No! No! I always call a gang "she". It's like when you call a boat "she", or a hurricane "she".
Marie: Or a girl?
Navin R. Johnson: A girl, you can call a girl she, that's just one of the many things you can call she.
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Hobart: Sir, there are charity people here to see you.
Navin R. Johnson: What? Send them away. There are plenty of people more deserving than me!
Hobart: But these people want *you* to give, sir.
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Taj Jonson: Hey! Any of you bums heard of Navin R. Johnson?
Navin R. Johnson: I've heard of him.
Taj Jonson: Born in Mississippi? Inventor of the Opti-grab?
Navin R. Johnson: I was just telling these guys!
Mother: Navin!
Navin R. Johnson: Mommy, Daddy! How did you find me?
Father: We don't know. This is the first place we looked.
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Navin R. Johnson: [about Patty's trailer] What a great place!
Patty Bernstein: [belches]
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Navin R. Johnson: For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height, or your sex.
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Navin R. Johnson: The most exciting game on the midway! Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional! You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!
Carnival Rube: Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. Now what do I win?
Navin R. Johnson: Ah, anything... in this general area, right in here. Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses. Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles. Anything in this three inches. Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.
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Navin R. Johnson: Now, Marie is a type a person that if you gotta...
Patty Bernstein: [interrupting] If this gash doesn't get her buns outta here I am gonna drive this bike up her butt!
Navin R. Johnson: ...while Patty tends to be more direct.
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Grandma Johnson: [reading a letter from Navin] My dear family, guess what? Today I found out what my special purpose is for. Gosh, what a great time I had. I wish the whole family could've been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot. Every chance I get. I think next week I'll be able to send more money as I may have extra work. My friend Patty has promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin.
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Navin R. Johnson: [narrating his own letter home] P.S. is grandma still farting?
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Patty Bernstein: Give me a bite of that corn dog.
Navin R. Johnson: What about germs?
Patty Bernstein: Put a rubber on it.
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Navin R. Johnson: Are you a model?
Marie: No. I'm a cosmetologist.
Navin R. Johnson: Really? A cosmetologist? That's unbelievable. That's impressive. Must be tough handling the weightlessness.
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[Navin at Patty's trailer... ]
Patty Bernstein: You know what I'd like to do?
Navin R. Johnson: What?
Patty Bernstein: Guess your weight.
Navin R. Johnson: Hey, that would be interesting for me. No one has tried to guess MY weight. You see, I guess their weight, so it would be sort of a...
Patty Bernstein: Put your arms up.
Navin R. Johnson: This will give me a whole other perspective on this...
[Patty begins squeezing his backside]
Navin R. Johnson: Hey, you're really trying to be accurate... Is it getting hot in here?... Wait a minute! What's happening to my special purpose?
Patty Bernstein: What's your special purpose?
Navin R. Johnson: Well, when I was a kid my mom told me THAT was my special purpose! And someday I'd find out what my special purpose was!
Patty Bernstein: Today's the day!
[Whole trailer shaking as Patty "deflowers" Navin]
Navin R. Johnson: Hey, this is like a ride!
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[Navin receives some farewell advice]
Mother: And remember: the Lord loves a working man.
Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a working man.
Father: And Son: don't never ever trust whitey.
Navin R. Johnson: Don't trust whitey. Lord loves a working man; don't trust whitey.
Mother: And I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for...
Navin R. Johnson: I will, Ma... I know it's out there.
Taj Jonson: It's out there alright. And if you catch it, see a doctor and get rid of it.
Navin R. Johnson: See a doctor and get rid of it.
Taj Jonson: Good luck.
Navin R. Johnson: Lord loves a working man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it.
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[Navin writing out settlement checks... ]
Navin R. Johnson: Pay to the order of... Mrs. Wilbur Starks... one dollar
[Movers remove a table from house]
Navin R. Johnson: AND NINE CENTS!... Pay to the order of... Iron Balls McGinty... one dollar
[Marie enters room]
Navin R. Johnson: AND NINE CENTS!...
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Navin R. Johnson: [Navin's first hitchhike from home]
Navin R. Johnson: I'm hitchhiking.
Farm Boy: How far you goin'?
Navin R. Johnson: St. Louis. How far you going?
Farm Boy: To the end of this fence.
Navin R. Johnson: ...OK!
[Navin enthusiastically jumps in and introduces himself]
Navin R. Johnson: I'm Navin Johnson. What's your name sir?
Farm Boy: Here we are!
Navin R. Johnson: OK!
[Navin jumps out]
Navin R. Johnson: ... Thanks for the company!
[Navin's family hears him say]
Navin R. Johnson: I hope I can repay you someday!
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[Navin's first gas station customers: three Hispanic men pull up in a low-rider, flexing their shocks]
Navin R. Johnson: I can fix those shocks.
Punk #1: No, no. We just want some gas, muchacho.
Navin R. Johnson: OK, but its Sunday, so we gotta have a credit card.
Punk #1: Hey Jerry, we got a credit card in there?
[Punks nervously search for a credit card in stolen purses they previously snatched]
Punk: Mastercharge too?
Navin R. Johnson: Ya, that's fine. We take Mastercharge... Wanna fill-up, uh, Mrs. Nussbaum?
Punk: Oh, I'm MR. Nussbaum.
Punk #1: Ya, that's his wife's card.
Navin R. Johnson: Wife's card, huh?
Punk #1: Ya, I'll vouch for him.
Navin R. Johnson: OK! As long as we have a voucher!
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[Navin, struggling as a weight guesser at SJM Fiesta Shows]
Navin R. Johnson: For one dollar, I'll guess your weight, your height or your sex! The most exciting game on the midway! Imagine the thrill of getting your weight guessed by a professional! You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick out your chest, but you're not going to fool the guesser. How 'bout you, sir? Step right up!
Carnival Rube: Hey honey, let's see how good this guy is. Now what'I win?
Navin R. Johnson: Ah, anything... in this general area, right in here... Anything, below the stereo, and on this side of the Bicentennial glasses... Anything between the ashtray, and the thimbles... Anything in this three inches... Right in here, this area, that includes the Chiclets, but not the erasers.
Carnival Rube: No sir! C'mon honey; he thought he had himself a rube.
[Navin dejectedly confides to his boss, Frosty]
Navin R. Johnson: Boss, I'm just no good at this.
Frosty: Ah, c'mon Navin, you're doing fine.
Navin R. Johnson: I've already given away eight pencils, two hula dolls, and an ashtray, and I've only taken in fifteen dollars.
Frosty: Navin, you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of crap! Which gives us a net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.
Navin R. Johnson: Ah... It's a profit deal! Takes the pressure off. Get your weight guessed right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a chance and win some crap!
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