Rick Simon: [to nurse at Mental Hospital where he and AJ are being held by the villian] Take me to my brother or I'll do something Alfred Hitchcock never dreamed of.
Rick Simon: Alright, let's put this thing into perspective. Now, correct if I'm wrong, OK? but this is how I got this thing figured. What we have here is a whole bunch of people with no money who go out and buy brand new cars just after they die. Is that pretty much the way you got it figured?
A.J. Simon: That's pretty much the way I've got it figured, yeah. And what, I ask myself, has Terry Hudson got to do with all of this?
Rick Simon: If he's dead, he probably just bought a new car.
[Rick & A.J. seek a restraining order against an ex-con they helped put in jail]
A.J. Simon: Town, the guy is clearly here to make trouble, and he's carrying a grudge the size of the U.S.S. Enterprise.
Rick Simon: Tell him about the cantaloupe.
A.J. Simon: Oh, yes! Somebody broke into my house yesterday and sliced up a cantaloupe that I had in my refrigerator.
Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: This *is* serious.
A.J. Simon: Town, we can take care of ourselves, but when it comes to threatening our mother, yes it is serious.
Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: OK look, let's go over the evidence here. Now your mother invited this man into her house for a party and Rick jumped him, right?
Rick Simon: That's right.
Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: Ah-ha. And you found some cut-up fruit in your refridgerator. Oh, I'll think of something.
[Rick & A.J. are trying to talk Town into letting them look at a car in the police impound]
Rick Simon: Town, now this assignment you got, it's probably gonna be very tiring, right? And you could use a rest... well we're gonna be doing a big celebration when this is all over, y'know, we're gonna do a kind of a blow-out weekend over in Vegas... why don't you kinda tag along with us, y'know, we'll comp you to the Robert Goulet show... it'll be great.
Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: Robert Goulet? If you're gonna bribe me, at least make it interesting. I'll give you half an hour.
Rick Simon: Barry Manilow.
Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: 20 minutes.
A.J. Simon: Uh... Wayne Newton!
Lt. M.P. 'Downtown' Brown: 10 minutes.