- Arthur: Hobson?
- Hobson: Yes.
- Arthur: Do you know what I'm going to do?
- Hobson: No, I don't.
- Arthur: I'm going to take a bath.
- Hobson: I'll alert the media.
- Arthur: [rises] Do you want to run my bath for me?
- Hobson: That's what I live for.
- [Arthur exits]
- Hobson: Perhaps you would like me to come in there and wash your dick for you, you little shit.
- Hobson: Thank you for a memorable afternoon, usually one must go to a bowling alley to meet a woman of your stature.
- Hobson: [wearing a cowboy hat Arthur gave him to cheer him up] If I begin to die, please take this off my head. This is not the way I wish to be remembered.
- Burt Johnson: I don't drink because drinking affects your decision-making.
- Arthur: You may be right. I can't decide.
- Perry's Wife: [screams] MY HUSBAND HAS A GUN!
- Arthur: I'm sure he does, madam. For all I know, he shot it while you screamed.
- Arthur: Oh, stay with me, Hobson. You know I hate to be alone.
- Hobson: Yes, bathing is a lonely business.
- Arthur: Except for fish.
- Hobson: I beg your pardon? Did you say "except for fish"?
- Arthur: Yes... fish all bathe together. Although they do tend to eat one another. I often think... fish must get awfully tired of seafood. What are you thoughts, Hobson?
- Hobson: Pardon me...
- [rises, removes Arthur's top hat and smacks him upside the head]
- Hobson: Would you remove your helmet, please?
- Arthur: Why?
- Hobson: Please.
- [Arthur hands him his helmet]
- Hobson: Thank you. Now your goggles.
- Arthur: Why?
- Hobson: Please.
- [Arthur hands him his goggles]
- Hobson: Thank you.
- [slaps him across the face repeatedly]
- Hobson: You spoiled little bastard! You're a man who has everything, haven't you, but that's not enough. You feel unloved, Arthur, welcome to the world. Everyone is unloved. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself. And incidentally, I love you.
- Arthur: [pointing at a mounted moose on the wall] Where's the rest of this moose?
- Burt Johnson: Arthur, I think it's time we got to know one another.
- Arthur: I do too. That's why I had you come over today. Hmhmhmhm. This is a tough room.
- Arthur: [patting the moose] I don't have to tell you that.
- Arthur: You must've hated this moose.
- Burt Johnson: Why don't you forget the moose for a moment!
- Arthur: [looks at the moose; then, to Burt] Right.
- Burt Johnson: [smiling broadly] When I was 11 years old, I KILLED a man.
- Arthur: Well, when you're 11 you probably don't even know there's a law against that. Is Susan here?
- Burt Johnson: I knew what I was doing. We were poor. He came into our house to steal our food.
- Arthur: Well, he was asking for it.
- Burt Johnson: I took a knife, and I killed him in the kitchen.
- Arthur: You, uh... probably ate out that night, what with that man lying in your kitchen.
- Burt Johnson: You seem to find humor in everything.
- Arthur: Yeah, sorry.
- Burt Johnson: Hello, Arthur.
- Arthur: Hello, Mr. Johnson.
- Burt Johnson: I haven't seen much of you lately.
- Arthur: Well, the reason you haven't seen much of me is because I, I normally pick Susan up at her apartment in town. And you live here. Want a drink?
- Burt Johnson: I never drink. No one in my family ever drinks.
- Arthur: That's great! You probably never run out of ice your whole life!
- Hobson: [to Ralph] If you and your undershirt will walk two paces backwards, I could enter this dwelling.
- Hobson: Poor drunks do not find love, Arthur. Poor drunks have very few teeth, they urinate outdoors, they freeze to death in summer. I can't bear to think of you that way.
- Ralph: Here's your tea.
- Hobson: I despise tea. Now, would you go to the bathroom and bring me two aspirin? You'll find them on the top shelf to the left, behind the untouched shaving cream.
- [Ralph looks embarrassed and leaves the room. Hobson coughs]
- Linda: That sounds bad. Have you seen a doctor?
- Hobson: Yes. And he has seen me.
- Linda: You know, I think Arthur has a very good friend. May I kiss you on the cheek?
- Hobson: Is it something you feel strongly about?
- Linda: Yes.
- [She kisses Hobson, who smiles, nods, and prepares to leave]
- Linda: What about your aspirins?
- Hobson: The aspirins are for you, my dear.
- Hobson: I've taken the liberty of anticipating your condition. I have brought you orange juice, coffee, and aspirins. Or do you need to throw up?
- [in a department store, Arthur and Hobson see Linda putting a tie in her bag]
- Arthur: Hobson, did you see that?
- Hobson: [wearily] Yes.
- Arthur: She stole that tie! It's the perfect crime; girls don't wear ties! Although some do; it's not a perfect crime, but it's a good crime.
- Hobson: Yes; if she murdered the ties it would be the perfect crime. Why are you so happy about all this?
- Arthur: It's terribly small, tiny little country. Rhode Island could beat the crap out of it in a war. THAT'S how small it is.
- Arthur: [a very intoxicated Arthur is addressing the congregation of attendees for his wedding] ummmm... ummmm... Ladies and gentlemen... I'm sorry... As you probably have surmised by now... there will be no wedding. The bride... has had second thoughts... and has decided not to marry me... Most of you know me... Can you blame her?
- [about Hobson after she gives her phone number to Arthur]
- Linda: Wouldn't it be funny if *he* called me?