Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: How come you don't like me?
Crash Davis: Because you don't respect yourself, which is your problem. But you don't respect the game, and that's my problem. You got a gift.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: What do I got?
Crash Davis: You got a gift. When you were a baby, the Gods reached down and turned your right arm into a thunderbolt. You got a Hall-of-Fame arm, but you're pissing it away.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I ain't pissing nothing away. I got a Porsche already; I got a 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt.
Crash Davis: Christ, you don't need a quadrophonic Blaupunkt! What you need is a curveball! In the show, everybody can hit a fastball!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well, how would you know? YOU been in the majors?
Crash Davis: Yeah, I've been in the majors.
Annie Savoy: These are the ground rules. I hook up with one guy a season. Usually takes me a couple weeks to pick the guy - kinda my own spring training. And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far, so I just thought we should kinda get to know each other.
Crash Davis: Time out. Why do you get to choose?
Annie Savoy: What?
Crash Davis: Why do you get to choose? I mean, why don't I get to choose, why doesn't he get to choose?
Annie Savoy: Well, actually, nobody on this planet ever really chooses each other. I mean, it's all a question of quantum physics, molecular attraction, and timing. Why, there are laws we don't understand that bring us together and tear us apart. Uh, it's like pheromones. You get three ants together, they can't do dick. You get 300 million of them, they can build a cathedral.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: So is somebody going to go to bed with somebody or what?
Annie Savoy: Honey, you are a regular nuclear meltdown. You better cool off. Ha ha, ha ha!
[to Crash as he stands up]
Annie Savoy: Oh, where are you going?
Crash Davis: After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out. Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart.
Annie Savoy: What do you believe in, then?
Crash Davis: Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
[pauses then winks and walks away]
Crash Davis: Goodnight.
Annie Savoy: Oh my. Crash...
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Hey, Annie, what's all this molecule stuff?
Annie Savoy: The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self awareness.
Crash Davis: It's time to work on your interviews.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: My interviews? What do I gotta do?
Crash Davis: You're gonna have to learn your clichés. You're gonna have to study them, you're gonna have to know them. They're your friends. Write this down: "We gotta play it one day at a time."
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Got to play... it's pretty boring.
Crash Davis: 'Course it's boring, that's the point. Write it down.
Crash Davis: This son of a bitch is throwing a two-hit shutout. He's shaking me off. You believe that shit? Charlie, here comes the deuce. And when you speak of me, speak well.
Annie Savoy: [narrating] I believe in the Church of Baseball. I've tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I've worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I learned that, I gave Jesus a chance. But it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me. I prefer metaphysics to theology. You see, there's no guilt in baseball, and it's never boring,
Annie Savoy: which makes it like sex. There's never been a ballplayer slept with me who didn't have the best year of his career. Making love is like hitting a baseball: you just gotta relax and concentrate. Besides, I'd never sleep with a player hitting under .250, not unless he had a lot of RBIs and was a great glove man up the middle. You see, there's a certain amount of life wisdom I give these boys. I can expand their minds. Sometimes when I got a ballplayer alone, I'll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy'll listen to anything if he thinks it's foreplay. I make them feel confident, and they make me feel safe, and pretty. 'Course, what I give them lasts a lifetime; what they give me lasts 142 games. Sometimes it seems like a bad trade. But bad trades are part of baseball - now who can forget Frank Robinson for Milt Pappas, for God's sake? It's a long season and you gotta trust it. I've tried 'em all, I really have, and the only church that truly feeds the soul, day in, day out, is the Church of Baseball.
Crash Davis: Relax, all right? Don't try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [to himself] What's this guy know anyway? If he's so great how come he's been in the minors for ten years? If he's so good how come Annie wants me instead of him?
Crash Davis: Oh, hey, and another thing, Meat. You don't know shit, all right? If you wanna make it to the bigs, you'll listen to me. Annie only wants you so she can boss you around, got it? So relax! Let's have some fun out here! This game's fun, OK? Fun goddamnit. And don't hold the ball so hard, OK? It's an egg. Hold it like an egg.
Crash Davis: [Mechanized bull noises in background] Well, he really hit the shit outta that one, didn't he?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [softly, infuriated] I held it like an egg.
Crash Davis: Yeah, and he scrambled the son of a bitch. Look at that, he hit the fucking bull! Guy gets a free steak!
Crash Davis: You having fun yet?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Oh, yeah. Havin' a blast.
Crash Davis: Good.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [pause] God, that sucker teed off on that like he knew I was gonna throw a fastball!
Crash Davis: He did know.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: How?
Crash Davis: I told him.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [LaLoosh challenged Davis to a fight] I don't hit no man first.
Crash Davis: All right, then...
[throws him a baseball]
Crash Davis: ... hit me in the chest with that.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I'd kill you!
Crash Davis: Yeah? From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a fucking boat.
Crash Davis: Your shower shoes have fungus on them. You'll never make it to the bigs with fungus on your shower shoes. Think classy, you'll be classy. If you win 20 in the show, you can let the fungus grow back and the press'll think you're colorful. Until you win 20 in the show, however, it means you are a slob.
Larry: [Larry jogs out to the mound to break up a players' conference] Excuse me, but what the hell's going on out here?
Crash Davis: Well, Nuke's scared because his eyelids are jammed and his old man's here. We need a live... is it a live rooster?
Crash Davis: . We need a live rooster to take the curse off Jose's glove and nobody seems to know what to get Millie or Jimmy for their wedding present.
[to the players]
Crash Davis: Is that about right?
[the players nod]
Crash Davis: We're dealing with a lot of shit.
Larry: Okay, well, uh... candlesticks always make a nice gift, and uh, maybe you could find out where she's registered and maybe a place-setting or maybe a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two! Go get 'em.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: A good friend of mine used to say, "This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains." Think about that for a while.
Crash Davis: I never told him to stay out of your bed.
Annie Savoy: You most certainly did.
Crash Davis: I never told him to stay out of your bed.
Annie Savoy: Yes you did.
Crash Davis: I told him that a player on a streak has to respect the streak.
Annie Savoy: Oh fine.
Crash Davis: You know why? Because they don't - -they don't happen very often.
Annie Savoy: Right.
Crash Davis: If you believe you're playing well because you're getting laid, or because you're not getting laid, or because you wear women's underwear, then you *are*! And you should know that!
Crash Davis: Come on, Annie, think of something clever to say, huh? Something full of magic, religion, bullshit. Come on, dazzle me.
Annie Savoy: I want you.
Annie Savoy: Listen, sweetheart, you shouldn't listen to what a woman says when she's in the throes of passion. They say the darndest things.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Yeah, you said "Crash"!
Annie Savoy: Honey, would you rather I were making love to him using your name, or making love to you using his name?
Crash Davis: Man that ball got outta here in a hurry. I mean anything travels that far oughta have a damn stewardess on it, don't you think?
[Crash calls for a curve ball, Ebby shakes off the pitch twice]
Crash Davis: [stands up] Hey! *Hey*!
[walks to meet Ebby at the mound]
Crash Davis: Why are you shaking me off?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [Gets in Crash's face] I want to give him the heat and announce my presence with authority!
Crash Davis: Announce your fucking presence with authority? This guy is a first ball, fast ball hitter!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Well he hasn't seen my heat!
Crash Davis: [pauses] Allright meat, show him your heat.
[Walks back towards the batter's box]
Crash Davis: [to the batter] Fast ball.
Crash Davis: Come on, Rook. Show us that million-dollar arm, 'cause I got a good idea about that five-cent head of yours.
[On playing in the "show" - major league baseball]
Crash Davis: Yeah, I was in the show. I was in the show for 21 days once - the 21 greatest days of my life. You know, you never handle your luggage in the show, somebody else carries your bags. It was great. You hit white balls for batting practice, the ballparks are like cathedrals, the hotels all have room service, and the women all have long legs and brains.
Crash Davis: You just got lesson number one: don't think; it can only hurt the ball club.
Crash Davis: The rose goes in the front, big guy.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: Why's he calling me meat? I'm the one driving a Porsche.
Crash Davis: I have been known on occasion to howl at the moon.
Annie Savoy: [narrating] Baseball may be a religion full of magic, cosmic truth, and the fundamental ontological riddles of our time, but it's also a job.
Annie Savoy: [narrating] Walt Whitman once said, "I see great things in baseball. It's our game, the American game. It will repair our losses and be a blessing to us." You could look it up.
Larry: Well if there was one chick who would know you were pulling your hips out early it'd be Annie.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You're playing with my mind.
Annie Savoy: I'm *trying* to play with your body.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I knew it, you're trying to seduce me!
Annie Savoy: Well of course I'm trying to seduce you, for God's sake, and I'm doing a damn poor job of it... Aren't I pretty?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: God, I think you're real cute.
Annie Savoy: Cute? Baby ducks are cute, I HATE cute! I want to be exotic, and mysterious!
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: You are, you're exotic, and mysterious, and... cute... and... That's why I'd better leave.
Crash Davis: What's wrong?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: I'm nervous - my old man's here.
Crash Davis: Where?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: He's behind home plate - don't look.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [Crash looks and sees Ebby's father who waves] Don't look.
Crash Davis: [Crash waves back] Hey, he's waving. He's just your father, man - he's as full of shit as anybody.
Crash Davis: I wouldn't dig in if I was you. Next one might be at your head. I don't know where it's gonna go. Swear to God.
Crash Davis: Did you hit me with your right hand or did you hit me with your left? Huh? Did you hit me with your right hand or did you hit me with your LEFT?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: My left.
Crash Davis: Good! That's good; when you get in a fight with a drunk you don't hit him with your pitching hand. God, I can't keep giving you these free lessons so quit screwin' around and help me up.
Larry: Sears sucks, Crash. Boy, I worked there once. Sold Lady Kenmores. Nasty, whoa, nasty.
Crash Davis: You don't want a ballplayer; you want a stable pony.
Crash Davis: Well, my triple-A contract gets bought out so I can hold some flavor-of-the-month's dick in the bus leagues, is that it? Well, fuck this fucking game!
Crash Davis: I quit, all right? I fucking quit.
[Crash exits the office and stands in the clubhouse for a minute before sticking his head back through the door]
Crash Davis: Who we play tomorrow?
Skip: Winston-Salem. Batting practice at 11:30.
Crash Davis: C'mon Meat, throw me that weak-ass shit!
Clubhouse reporter: So how does it feel to get your first professional win?
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: It feels out there. I mean, it's a major rush. I mean, it feels radical in kind of a tubular sort of way, but most of all, it feels out there.
Crash Davis: [watching Ebby from across the clubhouse] Hopeless. This is utterly fucking hopeless.
Annie Savoy: I think probably with my love of four-legged creatures and hooves and everything, that in another lifetime I was probably Catherine the Great, or Francis of Assisi. I'm not sure which one. What do you think?
Crash Davis: How come in former lifetimes, everybody is someone famous?
[Annie and Crash pause, then both laugh]
Crash Davis: I mean,
Crash Davis: how come nobody ever says they were Joe Schmo?
Annie Savoy: [still laughing] Because it doesn't work that way, you fool!
Crash Davis: I dare you to throw the hammer. You ain't that stupid.
Crash Davis: Throw that shit again, Meat. Throw that weak-ass shit again.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: What's he know about fun? I'm young. I know about fun. He's an old man. He don' know nuthin' about fun.
Ebby Calvin LaLoosh: [after giving up another hit] Shit! Piss! Fuck!
Skip: Crash Davis? Joe Riggins.
[shakes hands with Crash]
Crash Davis: And you Larry Hockett should remember me, 'cause about five years ago in the Texas League you were pitching for El Paso and I was batting clean-up for Shreveport. You hung an 0 and 2 curve ball in a 3-2 game in the bottom of the 8th and I tattooed it over the Michelin Tire sign and beat you 4-3.
Larry: Yeah, I remember. I should'a thrown a slider. Damn, Crash, nice to see you.
Crash Davis: I'm too old for this shit. Why the hell am I back in A ball?
Joe Reardon: 'Cause of Ebby Calvin LaLoosh. Big club's got a hundred grand in him.
Larry: He's got a million dollar arm, and a five cent head.
Joe Reardon: Had a gun on him tonight. The last five pitched he threw were faster that the first five, He has the best young arm I've seen in 30 years. You've been around. You're smart, professional. We want you to mature the kid. We want you to room with him on the road, stay on his case all year. He could go all the way.
Crash Davis: Where can I go?
Joe Reardon: You can keep going to the ballpark, and keep getting paid to do it. Beats the hell out of working at Sears.
Larry: Sears sucks, Crash.
Annie Savoy: Oh, we didn't order these, honey.
Cocktail Waitress: I know, he did.
Annie Savoy: Who?
Cocktail Waitress: The guy in the booth.
[Waitress points to Crash]
Annie Savoy: Who's that?
Himself (The Clown Prince of Baseball): That's Crash Davis. Hey, Crash! Come here!
Annie Savoy: He's kind of cute.
Himself (The Clown Prince of Baseball): He's been in more ballparks than I have. A hell of a guy. You know, he's really different. I actually saw him read a book without pictures once!