Otto: You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole.

Archie: How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?

Otto: You are the vulgarian, you fuck.

Wanda: [after Otto breaks in on Wanda and Archie in Archie's flat and hangs him out the window] I was dealing with something delicate, Otto. I'm setting up a guy who's incredibly important to us, who's going to tell me where the loot is and if they're going to come and arrest you. And you come loping in like Rambo without a jockstrap and you dangle him out a fifth-floor window. Now, was that smart? Was it shrewd? Was it good tactics? Or was it stupid?

Otto West: Don't call me stupid.

Wanda: Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, ape?

Otto West: Apes don't read philosophy.

Wanda: Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Now let me correct you on a couple of things, OK? Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not "Every man for himself." And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

[repeated line]

Otto: Asshole!

Otto: Don't call me stupid.

Wendy: Why on earth not?

Otto: Oh, you English are *so* superior, aren't you? Well, would you like to know what you'd be without us, the good ol' U.S. of A. to protect you? I'll tell you. The smallest fucking province in the Russian Empire, that's what! So don't call me stupid, lady. Just thank me.

Wendy: Well, *thank* you for popping in and protecting us.

Otto: If it wasn't for us, you'd all be speaking *German!* Singing "Deutschland, Deutschland ├╝ber alles..."

Otto: I'm, uh, Harvey. Manfred... jen... sen... den.

Otto: You know your problem? You don't like winners.

Archie: Winners?

Otto: Yeah. Winners.

Archie: Winners, like North Vietnam?

Otto: Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie!

Archie: [going into a cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide REAL GOOD.

[Otto dangles Archie out a window]

Archie: All right, all right, I apologise.

Otto: You're really sorry.

Archie: I'm really really sorry, I apologise unreservedly.

Otto: You take it back.

Archie: I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future.

Otto: OK.

Otto: [practicing his apology] Oh, I'm so very, very, very ssssssssssss... FUCK YOU!

Wanda: I'm sorry about my brother, Ken. I know he's insensitive. He's had a hard life. Dad used to beat him up.

Ken: Good.

Otto: You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're... smart, you've got wonderful bones, great eyes, and you dress really interestingly.

Ken: What you...?

Otto: We could have a lot of fun together, you and I. And I think we'd be really good for each other. What do you say?

Ken: You must be j-j-j...

Otto: May I kiss you, Ken?

[tries to kiss him]

Ken: No, you fucking can't!

[runs away]

[repeated line]

Otto: Don't call me stupid!

Airline Employee: Aisle or window, smoking or non?

Otto: What was the part in the middle?

Otto West: Look, you obviously don't know anything about intelligence work, lady. It's an X-K-Red-27 technique.

Wendy: My father was in the Secret Service, Mr. Manfredjinsinjin, and I know perfectly well that you don't keep the general public informed when you are "debriefing KGB defectors in a safe house."

Wanda: What about my tits?

Otto: Does he get to handle them?

Wanda: Yes, he does. That's my forecast and I'll stand by it.

Otto: Would this also involve... nuzzling?

Wanda: Yes, I think three million dollars is worth a bit of nuzzling. Fifty percent chance of that.

Otto: Sucking?

Wanda: I thought you weren't jealous?

Otto: I'm not. I don't believe in jealousy, it's for the weak. One thing though. Touch his dick and he's dead!

Otto: I love watching your ass when you walk. Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him, he's mine.

Otto: [puts a bag over Archie's head] Hello, Mr. Burglar! Going somewhere? Thought you could rob Mr. Leach, eh? Well, I'm going to teach you a lesson!

[kicks him in the stomach]

Otto: He just happens to be a very good friend of mine!

Archie: Otto! Otto! Otto!

Otto: [comes back with a long-handled pan] And he's going to be very pleased with me to find you here, all tied up and ready for the police!

[knocks Archie out with a pan]

Otto: And don't call me "Otto." To you, I am "Mr..."

[stops, lifts bag, sees it's Archie, screams]

Otto: Oh, my God... Oh... Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[pats Archie's face]

Otto: Please, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you. How could I know it was you? I mean, how could you expect me to guess? Stupid jerk! I mean, what the fuck were you doing *robbing* your *own house?*

[kicks Archie in the stomach]

Otto: You asshole! You stupid, stiff, pompous, English...!

[screams and recoils]

Otto: I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Uh... uh... yeah.

[runs]

Ken: Rev-enge!

Otto: [laughing] It's K-K-K-Ken! C-c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me! How you gonna c-c-c-catch me, K-K-K-Ken?

Archie: Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he?

Wanda: No.

Archie: He's no idea?

Wanda: He doesn't have a clue.

Archie: What?

Wanda: He's so dumb...

Archie: Really?

Wanda: ...he thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived.

Wanda: Let's make love.

Archie: Well, if you absolutely insist...

[Archie has put his gun down to fist fight with Otto]

Archie: I used to box for Oxford.

Otto: Oh, yeah?

[Otto quickly picks up Archie's gun, and points it at him]

Otto: I used to kill for the CIA.

Wanda: I want you to know something Otto.

Otto: What?

Wanda: Even if you were my brother I'd still want to fuck you.

Wanda: Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not "every man for himself", and the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

Otto: You really like animals don't you, Ken? What's the attraction.

Ken: Well, you can t-t-trust them and they don't sh-sh-sh-sh

Otto: Shit on you?

Ken: Show off all the t-time.

Wanda: I looked at the clock... because I was saying to myself... It's five to seven, where could he be going with that sawed off shotgun?

Otto: When you say "friendly", what are we talking about here? Cordial? Courteous? Supportive? What?

Wanda: I don't know. Let's just see what happens.

Otto: So, "friendly" might include actual... what, penetration?

Wanda: Archie? Do you speak Italian?

Archie: I am Italian! Sono italiano in spirito. Ma ho sposato una donna che preferisce lavorare in giardino a fare l'amore appassionato. Uno sbaglio grande! But it's such an ugly language. How about... Russian?

George: [excited] Unbe-fuck-alievable!

Otto: [to Ken about Mrs Coady] What does he want you to do? Send her flowers? Do her shopping? Show her a good time? Rub her out? Rub her out?

Otto: [gleefully] HE'S GOING TO KILL HER! HA HA HA!

Ken: Shut up!

Otto: [shows his gun to a group of onlookers] Fuck off or I'll kill you. LIMEY FRUITS! So the old lady's gonna m-m- meet with an accident, eh K-K-Ken?

Ken: Shh!

[Otto laughs]

Ken: What's - what's so funny?

Otto: Nothing, it's just that wasting old ladies isn't NICE!

Ken: [angrily] Well it's better than b-b-buggering people!

Otto: I'll bet you a pound you don't kill her.

Ken: Alright.

Otto: Alright. I love watching your ass when you walk! Is that beautiful or what? Don't go near him! He's mine! A pound says you won't kill her! Ha ha!

Otto: I'm here because I'm bored. Bored hanging around this God-awful city. Shoving George's ugly pic... Talking to a lot of snotty, stuck up, intellectual British faggots. Jesus they're uptight they get rigor mortis in the prime of life in this country, standing there with their hair clenched.

Otto: [finds a letter from Archie to Wanda] Just, counting the seconds to the weekends so they can all dress up like ballerinas and whip themselves into a frenzy at the flat at 4. 2B St.

Otto: [recovering] To be honest I hate them. I mean pretending they're so fucking lawyer.

Otto: [recovering again] superior, so fucking superior with those phony accents.

Otto: [Ken peeks in the room] Not you Ken, you have a beautiful speaking voice... when it works.

Otto: [about Wanda] Son of a bitch!

Otto: [to Wanda, loudly] So, wanna have some lunch?

Otto: [quietly] Have you heard from him?

Wanda: Who?

Otto: Archie.

Wanda: [loudly] No I have to finish my hair!

Wanda: [quietly] No.

Otto: Nothing?

Otto: [loudly] Ok well I'm outta here!

Otto: [quietly] No plans to see him?

Wanda: No.

Wanda: [loudly] Ok. Bye Bro.

Otto: Bye Wanda!

[Punches Wanda's picture, hands it to Ken]

Otto: Oh Sorry.

Otto: Don't call me stupid.

Wendy: Why on earth not?

Wanda: What have you found out?

Otto: Not a lot.

Wanda: You realise he's in court tomorrow?

Otto: I know. I know that!

Wanda: So nothing, huh?

Otto: Nix! Zip! Diddly! Bupkis!

[seductively]

Otto: Niente!

[Archie visits George, who is guarded by two policemen]

Archie: We need to talk.

George: You tell those pigs to fuck off.

Archie: Fuck off, pigs.

[the two policemen don't move]

Archie: Did you hear what I said? Fuck off!

Wanda: You just wanted to get me into bed.

Archie: I fell in love with you.

Wanda: How come you dumped me then.

Archie: I wasn't rich enough, remember.

Wanda: Say something in Russian.

Archie: No.

Archie: You make me feel free.

Wanda: Free?

Archie: Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying, uh, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we'll all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed?

Wanda: Yeah.

Otto: Pork away pal. Fuck her blue.

Ken: Otto t-t-tried to k-k-kiss me.

Wanda: I thought he might.

Otto: Avoid the green ones. They're not ripe yet.

Wendy: Your father has finally gone completely mental!

Otto: So the old lady's gonna m-m-m-meet with an accident eh K-K-K-K-Ken?

Otto: What is this? "Hump a Limey" week?

Wanda: Get the fuck out of here, Otto.

Otto: Relax. I heard moaning; I was worried.

Otto: Ok... Ok... DISAPPOINTED. Son of a bitch. What do you have to do in this world to make people trust you?

Wanda: Shut up.

Otto: People are always taking advantage of me.

Wanda: Shut up and think.

[Otto pulls out a silenced pistol and fires two shots at the safe]

Wanda: What are you doing?

Otto: I'm thinking.

Archie: I Wendy- I Wanda- I wonder...

[after steamrollering Otto]

Ken: "K-k-k-k-Ken." You bastard. Hey, I've lost my stutter. It's gone. I can speak. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Otto: I love robbing the English, they're so polite.

Wanda: What are you thinking, Archie?

Archie: I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me.

Wanda: How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box?

[pause]

Archie: That's a...

WandaArchie: ...good reason.

[Archie has put his gun down to fist fight with Otto]

Archie: I used to box for Oxford.

Otto: Oh, yeah? Well...

[Otto quickly picks up Archie's gun, and points it at him]

Otto: ...I used to kill for the CIA.

[Ken drives at Otto with a steamroller. Otto laughs, until he realizes his feet are trapped in cement, and his gun is empty]

Otto: Ken! Ken! Wait, wait, Ken! Kenny! I... may I call you Kenny?

Ken: Remember Wanda!

Otto: I got the deal of a lifetime! Fifty-fifty, you and me, what do you say! Okay, okay, okay, sixty-forty! That's my final offer!

Ken: REVENGE!

Otto: Wait, I got an idea! You take it all! Yeah, here's my boarding pass, Ken!

Ken: I'm gonna, I'm gonna k-ka, kill you!

Otto: Okay, fine, Ken! Come at me, give me your best shot! Go on, Ken! You don't have the guts, admit it!

[the steamroller bears down on him]

Otto: Okay, you have the guts, good... wait!

Ken: Death!

Otto: Okay, I'm-sorry-I-ate-your-fish, okay? I'm-sorry!

Ken: Revenge!

Otto: Jesus, I said I'm sorry! What the fu-?

[He goes under the steamroller]

Otto: AAAAHHHH!

Ken: Got him!

Wanda: The central message of Buddhism is not "every man for himself".

Wanda: I'll be right back, take your clothes off.

Archie: You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen... in my entire life.

Wanda: Get me my drink.

Wendy: You can stick this marriage right in your bottom.

Archie: [to Wanda] How could a bright and smart girl like you have a brother who is so...

Otto: [coming between them] Don't call me stupid!

Otto: Nice fish, Ken. You know what Nietzsche said about animals? "They were God's second blunder."

Ken: Well, you t-t-t-tell him from me that I kuh-kuh, I kuh-kuh...

Otto: Hello, K-K-K-Ken's p-p-pets!

[taps on fish tank]

Otto: Wake up!

[beats the water with a scrub brush]

Otto: Wake up Limey fish!

[to Wanda]

Otto: So... how are you going to get friendly with this lawyer?

Wanda: I don't know - I'll improvise.

[Otto gets fed up with the fish and tosses the scrub brush into the tank]

Otto: Fucking insects!

Otto: Shit! Fucking Limey cement.

Otto: [to Archie] You spineless bimbo.

Otto: Touch his dick, and he's dead!

Archie: You're going to shoot me?

Otto: [in a pompous, English accent] Yep, 'fraid so, ol' chap! Sorry!

Wanda: What about my tits?

Otto: Does he get to handle them?

Wanda: Yes. That's my forecast. I'll stand by that.

Ken: Otto! You owe me a pou-p-pou...

Archie: Be a good girl, now, or I'll break your neck, okay?

Title Card: [Epilogue: Archie and Wanda move to Rio, have 17 kids, and fund a leper colony. Ken becomes Master of Ceremonies at London Sea World. Otto emigrates to South Africa and becomes Minister of Justice]