Diggin' Up Business (1990)

Lynn-Holly Johnson: Tesia Papadapacropolis

Quotes 

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : Oh my, well this can't be right.

  Albert : I hope it's not.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Well it's not. I mean, we've been staring at documents for too long. We have that white line fever.

  Albert : I don't think so, Tesia. Truck drivers get that stuff.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Well, do you realise what this means?

  Albert : Apparently your grandfather's been burying more dead bodies than he's been taking in.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : There's permits here for three hundred and fifty, and he's deep-sixed over a thousand? Albert, where do you suppose he came up with all the extra bodies?

  Albert : Swap meet? Sorry. Look, it's probably just some misunderstanding, that's all. It's a paper shuffle problem.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Paper shuffle problem? Albert, how do you just misplace six hundred and fifty corpses?

  Albert : Well, just ask anyone who works at a baggage department of a major airline.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : It's not the same thing.

  Albert : Look, it's exactly the same thing.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : This is like the baggage arrives okay, and the passengers are missing. What this says to anyone, and that includes the Meanies, is that at worst my granddad is a murderer, and at best, he's so senile he's burying people without their consent.

  Albert : Well, you are overlooking one distinct possibility.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : What?

  Albert : He's laundering mob hit victims.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Great.

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : I'm sorry, Don. Are you wearing makeup?

  Don : Well, there's nothing wrong with it. I mean, a lot of men wear makeup. It accents the cheek bone, accentuates the jaw line. Nothing feminine about taking advantage of modern day health aids

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : It's alright. I don't mind. it's okay. What were you going to say?

  Don : Tesia, my sweet. I would be most honored

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I'm sorry, Don. Uh, could you fix your lipstick first, please? It's real distracting.

  Don : No problem. How's that?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Better, thanks. Ah, you were saying?

  Don : Tesia, my dear. There comes a time in a man's life

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don?

  Don : Yes, my dear?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Um, would that be a matt or a gloss?

  Don : That's a matt.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : It's nice work.

  Don : Look, Tesia. My lips are Maybelline, my eyes are Max factor, hair's Grecian formula number nine. Are there any more questions? Could I please pronounce my love for you?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I think you're getting a bit defensive.

  Don : Darn it, Tesia. Where's the mystery? Where's the joy of discovery? We're not leaving anything for the wedding night.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Oh yes we are. We still don't know if anything else is real.

  Don : Tesia, where are you going?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don, stop whining. You bore me sometimes.

  Don : Tesia, stop it.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don't whine. Now, I'm going home to think over the proposal. You may take me to lunch tomorrow and we'll discuss it then.

  Don : But I haven't even proposed to you yet.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Alright, go ahead.

  Don : Will you marry me?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I'll think about it.

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : Now you're gonna be the gentleman, huh? How's it going?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : He's a MEANii!

  Albert : That is good work and everything, but do you think you should be displaying him in the lobby like that?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Albert!

  Albert : Tesia! He woke!

  Desmond : Miss Tesia Papadapacropolis? I'm Struther Desmond, from MEANii.

  Albert : MEANii?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Morticians and Embalmers Allied National Organisation.

  Desmond : MEANii.

  Albert : Shouldn't that be MEANO?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : That would be silly.

  Desmond : Do you have a moment?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Yes. Sorry, the office is being painted.

  Desmond : This will do just fine. Now, as you can see, the discrepancies are quite clear.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Perhaps it would be better if you came back when Granddad was here.

  Desmond : My visit is merely a courtesy call. The internal audit is scheduled for the thirteenth. Four working days from today.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Well, that's impossible. I mean, well, Granddad won't even be back until the sixteenth.

  Desmond : Oh it's very possible, Miss Papadapacropolis. In fact, that's the way it is. And MEANii is under no legal obligation to alert you as to a probe of management. We do this as a professional service.

  Albert : Tell you what, can't you at least give her a hint as to the nature of this discrepancy?

  Desmond : Certainly not! That's for us to know and for you to find out.

  Albert : Well, your maturity is certainly appreciated.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Tesia, Honey. Trouble with Mona again.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : How about an extension? Just until Granddad gets back. I'm sure he can clear whatever the problem is up.

  Desmond : I'm sorry, Miss Papadapacropolis. That's the best I can do. Good day.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Actually, he's a cute little trick.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Mrs Shtumpsky, Mona, where is she?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : In the Suite By-and-By.

• Mrs. Shlumsky : What the H.E. double toothpicks are you talking about?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Alright Mrs Shtumpsky, the gig is up. We know about the extra bodies.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Huh?

  Albert : Look, don't toy with her.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : That's right. I've covered for you and Granddad long enough. Spill it, you old fool!

  Mrs. Shlumsky : What's your problem?

  Desmond : Officers, if I may be of assistance. Apparently this mortuary has been disposing of more dearly departed than it can account for.

  Don : I'm no party to this, I swear.

  Albert : Wait a minute, you knew about all of this?

  Desmond : Of course.

  Albert : Well then what's with "Give me the March, where's the April"?

  Desmond : MEANii provides proper procedures in perpetuity.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Mmm, alliteration.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don't try and backtrack now, Mrs Shtumpsky. You're caught.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : You're all going mental.

  Desmond : I have all the evidence required for a full-scale investigation. More than two-thirds of your clients were never declared deceased persons. Most had only one name. For example, July nineteen, Montgomery, male. No death certificate was ever issued.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : So what do you say to that, huh?

  Hope : Wait a minute. What are you people talking about? Montgomery was a Persian.

  Don : Murderers! Racists!

  Crosby : No, not at all. We don't care about race, creed or pedigree.

  Hope : That's right. We bury animals from all walks of life.

  Desmond : Animals? Well, of course animals don't come under MEANii's jurisdiction. Wait a minute. This is no pet cemetery. All these burials were in areas set aside for people.

  Crosby : Where do you think they're coming from? Don't you remember what Shirley Mack said? We are all equal souls whatever incarnation.

  Albert : Wait a minute. You guys hid those bills?

  Hope : We figured if they didn't exist, then the deaths wouldn't either.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Existential thinking.

  Desmond : I am at a loss. Animals are a whole different ball of fur. I declare the Papadapacropolis audit officially over.

  Rossoti : Anyway, we got our man.

  [looks around for Coats, who has quietly slipped away] 

  Rossoti : Phelps? Phelps! Phelps!

  Don : [Tesia and Albert embrace]  Now stop that.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Can't wait to tell Granddad. He's gonna die when he hears about this!

  Albert : I think he already has.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : What?

• Widow Knockerby : Dear? Dear? Dear, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine. Lucille Cross.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Oh, so nice to meet you, Miss Cross.

  Lucille : Mrs. Cross, thank you.

  Widow Knockerby : Well actually now it'd be the widow Cross.

  Lucille : You're right.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I'm so sorry.

  Lucille : It's very recent.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Oh, I understand.

  Albert : Isn't that Deputy Don?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don! I forgot!

  Lucille : Oh, I forget sometimes too, dear. It gets worse as you get older.

  Widow Knockerby : Lucille was commenting on the extraordinary way you displayed Clarence. So decorative.

  Albert : You're meeting him here? Love among the dead? It's so gothic.

  Widow Knockerby : Lucille was seriously considering having Marvin done here.

  Albert : Sounds as if she wants him to have a haircut.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don!

  Don : Hiya honey.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Hi dear.

  Don : Albert.

  Albert : Hi partner.

  Don : Don.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don, I'd like you to meet Mrs Knockerby and, I'm sorry, what was your name?

  Lucille : Lucille.

  Widow Knockerby : The widow Cross.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel tonight.

  Don : Oh drat! It's only one night, Teezy-weezy.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Something has come up, dear.

  Albert : Teezy-weezy?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Albert! And I have to work tonight.

  Don : Oh? Do you work here now, Albert?

  Albert : No, actually I'm still in linen.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Albert sells bathroom towels.

  Albert : Well, because you can never have enough after-bath wraps.

  Don : I can.

  Widow Knockerby : The widow Cross's Marvin was a big fan of Gypsy Rose Lee.

  Lucille : That's right, and I was thinking maybe a burlesque motif for the service.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I beg your pardon?

  Lucille : Well, you know, a kind of New Orleans feel.

  Widow Knockerby : Oh, Lucille, this is the girl who designed Clarence's face.

  Lucille : Oh, I was so impressed. We were just discussing my Marvin. I think I'd like to send him off as a chorus line kicker!

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : Mrs, that is to say widow Cross, I'm afraid that won't be possible.

  Lucille : Why not?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Well, we're really not set up to accommodate that sort of request.

  Lucille : Now, I understand that a theme such as this doesn't come cheap, and I'm willing to pay for all the extras. Just name your price.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Oh... uh, what do you think?

  Albert : I think it's your funeral. Get the cheque. Get the cheque!

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Entertain Don while us girls talk business.

  Albert : Oh, righto. Thank you.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Is it a problem, Mona?

  Mona : No problem!

  Widow Knockerby : Well, what did I tell you? Trust me, it is going to be the hit of the season!

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Shall we make the arrangements now? You did say you brought your check book?

• Albert : Hi Don. How was the show?

  Don : It was exciting , thank you. Rona Barrett was something else. So how's business doing?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Terrific.

  Don : I understand people are just dying to come in here.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Yeah. Close the door. Come on in.

  Albert : I see you went to Penn State.

  Don : No, that was Arkansas State.

  Albert : Oh.

  Don : Gotcha!

  Albert : You got me.

  Don : So shouldn't we be leaving now, Tesia? We have reservations at twelve.

  Albert : Does your mother know you're out that late?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I'm just going to freshen up, then I'll be right back.

  Don : Albert.

  Albert : Don.

  Don : I would like to have a little man to man chat.

  Albert : Alright, well let me go outside and find one.

  Don : No, really. I'd like to talk turkey.

  Albert : Alright, but I warn you, my turkey's a little rusty.

  Don : Look Albert, I appreciate your giving me those tickets to Circus of the Stars, but in retrospect I think you were trying to get rid of me.

  Albert : Oh, Don. No. No!

  Don : Yes, I do. I feel it was slightly underhand of you.

  Albert : Huh! I'm taken aback by your affront.

  Don : And I believe that somehow you're trying to come between Tesia and myself.

  Albert : Don't you think you're being a little possessive, Don?

  Don : If I am possessive, so be it. Tesia is the perfect gal for me.

  Albert : Don't break into song, please.

  Don : We are the above standard unit.

  Albert : Pardon me while I get my yuppity English dictionary.

  Don : We have similar social concerns, share the same political bent..

  Albert : Operative word being bent.

  Don : And our tastes, both our tastes run towards the traditional, but with a new age slant.

  Albert : So you'll have a fancy kitchen, Don. What are you trying to tell me?

  Don : Well, in short I intend to..

  Albert : Make an honest woman of her?

  Don : Ask her for her hand.

  Albert : Well, you're lucky. It's a blue light special. You can have the rest of her this week, too.

  Don : Go ahead, make your jokes. I felt I would make my intentions known to you because I do see you as possible.. competition.

  Albert : Believe me, Don. It's no competition.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Um, I'm all set. Shall we? See you, Albert.

• Mrs. Shlumsky : Where are you off to?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I have to live my life, don't I?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : I suppose so.

  [telephone rings] 

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Papadapacropolis Funeral Home, how may I help you?

  Dispatcher : Yeah, this is the Palm Beach Medical Examiner's Office. We have a corpse that I think belongs to you.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Yeah? Have you got the address? Good. Ship it.

  Dispatcher : Another close California family.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : She's gone.

  Albert : Yeah, I'll say. Sometimes I just can't figure Tesia out.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : What's to figure out? She's a woman in love.

  Albert : She's not. She just thinks she is.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Suppose you told her that, did you?

  Albert : Mrs. Shtumpsky, you don't understand. Somehow Tesia got it into her head that she needs a man like Don.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Thank you for sharing.

  Albert : I care about what happens to her. She asked my opinion and I gave it to her, that's all.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : My mother used to tell me, Vera, advice is the one piece of medicine that everyone finds hard to swallow. Better to just slide a little truth under the door and let people find it themselves.

  Albert : She sounds like a wise woman.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : She was a cyclops! Every once in a while she spat out something useful. Not that I'm bitter.

  Albert : I can see that.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Your biggest mistake was taking the 'it's for your own good' approach. You've all but sent her running into the arms of another man.

  Albert : Another man? What are you talking about? This isn't a love triangle or something.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Isn't it?

  Albert : Certainly not. That'd be incestuous. That'd be gross. That'd be sick. Tesia's like a sister to me , that's all.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : If Don sees her as someone else's sister, that's his edge.

  Albert : Yeah. There's gonna be an audit first thing in the morning and I told Tesia I'd take a fresh look at the figures tonight.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Just remember while you're getting fresh with those figures, Don'll be getting fresh with hers.

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : How's he looking?

  Mona : Life like.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Mona, I specifically told you just a straightforward makeup for Mr Knockerby.

  Mona : It is.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : The family's going to be here any minute and their loved one looks like Charlie McCarthy. Did you take the makeup course I sent you to?

  Mona : I went to the first session.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : And?

  Mona : Well, the models moved around so damn much.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Mona, brighter is not necessarily better. None of our clients are going to be propped up in themed windows. They don't need to be seen by passing motorists.

  Mona : I know, but the bereaved widow did request he be presented the way he is in life: happy!

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Happy, Mona, not hysterical. I'm sorry, this is totally unacceptable.

  Widow Knockerby : Oh, he would absolutely love it!

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : What?

  Widow Knockerby : I mean, it is to die for, if you'll pardon the expression. Oh Clarence, Clarence, do you like it, honey? Oh, he does, I know he does, trust me. I knew to go with the independent, the little guy always tries harder. It is testament to this man's life as a butcher. Never a cross word, always a smile. Liver would be down, he would be up. A saint, this man. God bless you!

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don happens to be perfect for me, and for once I'm not gonna let what you say color my decision.

  Albert : Look, I'm not sitting here and judging your feelings. I'm not, I'm really not.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Alright then. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't marry Don. And no more verbal gymnastics, just tell me why.

  Albert : I don't know.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : There, you see? That's what I thought. I don't either!

  [she storms out] 

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Where are you off to?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I have to live my life, don't I?

  Mrs. Shlumsky : I suppose so.

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : What are we doing?

  Albert : Kissing. Either that, or a pretty good imitation. See, I've got this problem: I am very much in love with you.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I.. I need some time to sort this out. Would you please leave? Please?

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : So what have you uncovered?

  Albert : Behold.

  [he opens a coffin] 

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Nice, Albert, but I'm not going to pick it up.

  Albert : They were in here!

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : What was?

  Albert : Hundreds of 'em! Unopened bills! They were all in here!

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : You found more of these?

  Albert : Yes! They were in here!

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Well, that's great. We'll just keep them under wraps til we figure this thing out.

  Albert : Tesia , there are no more unpaid bills! They're gone!

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Well, that's crazy. Who would want to make off with months of unpaid bills?

  Albert : Unfortunately I don't think it was the easy payment fairy.

• Albert : I'm sure Mrs Shtumpsky can clear this whole thing up.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : That's right! Albert, not a cask gets closed around here without her knowing about it. She's in on it!

  Albert : In on what?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Well, I don't know, but whatever it is, she and Granddad are in cahoots. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if she were the brains of the outfit.

  Albert : Cahoots? Vera Shtumpsky, a pistol-packing momma? No way!

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : We have really served the canapes now. Albert, promise me you won't breathe a word of this to anyone. I don't know what Granddad has been up to, but as his flesh and blood it falls upon my shoulders to protect the family name, while he's off tanning.

  Albert : What do you intend to do?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Get me those papers. Listen, the MEANiis are interested in only one thing, the back payments due on the licensing fees for those buried corpses. Now, if I can have a check made out for the full amount when Desmond arrives here on Thursday, we should be able to stave off any full scale investigation until Granddad gets back. Now, do you have.. nineteen thousand dollars I can borrow..

  Albert : It's chicken feed, it's canary feed, it's moose feed.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : There she is! Just smile. Pretend like you don't know anything.

  Albert : I don't think that's a big problem, because we don't.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : We know I need to pull nineteen thousand dollars before Thursday. Let's go get some air.