The Red Green Show (1991–2006)
Bob Bainborough: Dalton Humphrey, Dalton Humphries
Photos
Quotes
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Red Green : You can't be forgetting your wedding anniversary, Dalton.
Dalton Humphries : Yeah, it's kind of ironic when the second dumbest thing you ever did was to forget the dumbest thing you ever did.
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[Red tries to get Dalton to guess the word 'Paranoid']
Red Green : You got two slippers. That makes a...?
Dalton Humphries : Pair.
Red Green : Someone bugs you, you get...?
Dalton Humphries : Annoyed.
Red Green : Put 'em together. Put 'em together.
Dalton Humphries : You say someone's stealing my slippers to annoy me? You know, it's probably my neighbor, you know, because he's trying to get me. He thinks I sneak into his house at night and rearrange his furniture.
Red Green : All right, and he thinks that way because he's...
Dalton Humphries : ... caught me doing it.
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Dalton Humphries : [showing Red a bouquet of flowers for show's return] I went to a lot of trouble to get these. Cemetery gates were locked when I got there.
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[Red has complained about the Possum Van not working right]
Dalton Humphries : Why don't you just call a tow truck?
Red Green : A tow truck? That's a hundred bucks, Dalton. I can replace the van for 75.
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Dalton Humphries : You know, it's not what you make, it's what you spend there. It's not what you pay, it's what you buy.
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[Dalton talks about his favorite car, a Chevy 2, which has apparently changed his life]
Dalton Humphries : It taught me not to be materialistic, not to get attached to furniture or books and family photographs. Things just aren't that important. You know what? It's the money you make *selling* things that's important.
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[the lodge members are trying to get into the record books]
Dalton Humphries : What about you, Red? Is there anything you can do to set a world record?
Red Green : Well, I could, but that's kind of between Bernice and I. I'm pretty sure they don't have that category.
[he gestures towards the Guiness Book of World Records in Winston's hand]
Winston Rothschild : [looking at the book] Oh, no, snoring is in here.