Drop Dead Fred : Quotes

Fred: Well why don't we harpoon Charles straight through the head, drag him back to the apartment, and hit him with a hammer until he agrees to come back?
Elizabeth: Harpoon him through the head. That won't work Fred.
Fred: Why not? How many times have you tried it?
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Elizabeth: Mother, do you remember when I was little, I had a friend, he was make-believe?
Polly: No.
Elizabeth: Don't you remember? Only I could see him?
Polly: No, I don't remember Drop Dead Fred at all.
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Fred: It takes more than a fire truck to stop Drop Dead Fred.
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Fred: I can't believe we left the party so soon. And there was so much wine to spit around the place.
Elizabeth: I got upset.
Fred: "I got upset." God, you're so stupid. You never leave a party 'til the very very end.
Elizabeth: Oh really?
Fred: Yeah really.
Elizabeth: Well what about Cinderella? Remember what happened with her?
Fred: No I don't remember what happened *with her*. I deliberately forgot all about her. She made me puke. I remember the ugly stepsisters, they were great.
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Elizabeth: Oh, I almost forgot.
[picks her nose and wipes the snot on Charles's face]
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Fred: Look, you've got you now. You don't need me.
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Elizabeth: [to Polly] I'm not afraid of you!
Fred: Finally, the magic words!
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Young Elizabeth: Maybe Mommy's right. I never do anything right.
Fred: No! You're great. She's not.
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[Polly has just finished reading a Fairy Tale]
Young Elizabeth: Did they live happily ever after?
Polly: Of Course Elizabeth.
Young Elizabeth: How do you know?
Polly: Because, she was a good little girl, if she would have been naughty, the Prince would have run away.
Young Elizabeth: What a pile of shit.
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[Fred looks up a woman's dress]
Fred: No panties. No panties.
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Fred: Drown the fishes.
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Fred: [Looking up Polly's skirt] Wow.
[Looks at Elizabeth and points up]
Fred: Cobwebs.
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Fred: You see when something's not working right, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better.
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Young Elizabeth: Daddy, why don't we throw mommy out the window? It won't hurt her. She'll land in the gladiolas.
Nigel: You shouldn't say things like that about your mother... She might cut your head off.
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Fred: Oh no, Mickey Fart-Pants. Whoever let HIM grow up?
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Fred: Morning. So who's for snot flicking?
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[after just seeing Elizabeth's mother]
Fred: Is it? It is. the mega-bitch.
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Fred: [to Elizabeth] You got married? You mean you've been doing it like the pigeons? No! Yuck!
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[Elizabeth and Charles are lying down, making out on the sofa]
Fred: Hold on, hold on that's now how the pigeons do it. You're supposed to stamp on her head and peck her
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[after just meeting Elizabeth for the first time in years]
Fred: Hello, snotface. Yuck what happened to you? You're all older, you're even uglier! Look, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to be sick all over you, immediately. Lie down.
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Fred: Boo!
Elizabeth: Ahhh!
Fred: Hello, Snotface! Yuck! What happened to you? Look at you. You're all older. You're even uglier. Uch. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to be sick all over you immediately. Lie down.
[Pushes Elizabeth down on the bed]
Fred: Hang on. Where's all the dolls?
Elizabeth: [Whispers] Drop Dead Fred.
Fred: Where is the dolls?
[Throws dolls at Elizabeth]
Fred: I wanna play with the-Ah hah! The dolls! Hello, Jemima. Hello, Angelec.
[Makes the dolls say 'Hello.']
Fred: You're gonna die!
[Screams and hits Jemima's head against the door. Bites off Angelec's head. Throws dolls]
Fred: Mr. Pooh!
[Makes Mr. Pooh say 'Hello.']
Fred: You die too!
[Makes Mr. Pooh say 'No no no.']
Fred: Yes yes yes.
[Screams and rips Mr. Pooh's stuffing out while throwing the stuffing at Elizabeth]
Fred: [Makes Mr. Pooh scream 'No! My intestines. Not my intestines!']
[Spits on Mr. Pooh]
Elizabeth: [Whispers] I must be dreaming.
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Fred: I don't love you because love is for girls and girls are disgusting
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Fred: I am a loner, a crazy wide eyed loner on a doomed mission to Venus to battle with the 3 headed mega beast but on the way I caught cornflakes disease.
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Fred: Snotface, look... INK - let's write something on the carpet... I know how 'bout "Mother SUCKS".
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Fred: [sitting between Elizabeth and Mickey] Oh great. Now I'm stuck between two complete utter girls.
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Fred: You just put a piece of broccoli in your mouth and said, "Mm, what a lovely piece of broccoli."
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Charles: Does this Fred play rough?
Elizabeth: Only with me.
Charles: Jesus.
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Fred: I wrote the note. Hahahahaha! Haven't got a husband! Haven't got a husband! Got a stupid hair cut!
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Fred: [while dancing in the chair in the living room with dog poo on his shoes] Dog poo, dog poo, yucky yucky dog poo. Dog poo on the chair... all on the sides, all up there, yucky yucky smelly dog poo!
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[Mickey wants to be as 'crazy' as Elizabeth, and he starts hurling pasta at couples in the resturarant]
Waiter #2: [approaches]
Fred: Uh-oh!
Mickey Bunce: [mimicking his Italian accent] Ok, oka fine - YOU DO IT!
[he slaps his hands underneath the plates the waiter is holding in each hand, sending them flying across the room]
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Elizabeth: Go away
Fred: go away? why do you want me to go away? Fine! say the magic words and i'll piss off
Elizabeth: Piss off!
Fred: Ha! I lied those weren't the magic words
Polly: What did you say?
Fred: She told you to piss off
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Fred: I'm not afraid of the megabeast!
Young Elizabeth: I'm not either, when she comes in here we'll make her eat up all this mud!
Fred: Yeah... and then we'll cut her head off...
Young Elizabeth: with scissors...
Fred: Yeah... and then we'll make her eat it
Young Elizabeth: ...make her eat her own head... with what?
Fred: Oh yeah, well I'll eat her head then.
Young Elizabeth: And I'll eat the rest of her!
Fred: Yeah! And then we'll get up and poo her all over the table cause we're not afraid of anything
Fred/Young Elizabeth: yeah, yeah YEAH!
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Fred: [pulls Elizabeth towards the stairs] Come on!
Elizabeth: Where are we going?
Fred: Playtime!
[slides down the bannister]
Fred: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
[he slaps straight into the newel post at the bottom]
Elizabeth: [in pain] Ahhh! Oooooh! WHO PUT THAT THERE?
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Polly: [walks up to Nigel who is holding young Elizabeth at the bottom of the stairs]
[offering him the tape]
Polly: Nigel, do it.
Nigel: No, I won't. I don't want anything to do with it, it's not right.
Polly: Alright, I'll do it.
[begins to tape the jack-in-the-box close]
Nigel: [kisses Elizabeth and then goes to Polly]
Nigel: It's not right.
Polly: What do you know about raising a child?
Nigel: [looks to Elizabeth and to Polly] Apparently nothing.
[he leaves the house]
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Fred: [sitting inside the refrigerator]
[about Charles]
Fred: Snotface, he's the wrong man for you.
Elizabeth: I don't want to hear it
Fred: You're not happy.
[Elizabeth closes the fridge door]
Elizabeth: Yes I am.
Fred: [crawling from underneath a counter] Well, if you're so happy, then why I am still here, hmm?
Elizabeth: I can fix that.
[she pulls out the pills]
Fred: Oh no, don't do that. No, please, don't do that. Do-
[Elizabeth takes the pill, he dubs over in pain. While grinding pepper, Elizabeth sneezes and sends Fred bouncing against the walls]
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Mickey Bunce: [comes home to find his daughter Natalie, covered with chocolate. He kneels next to her] Natalie, what happened?
Natalie Bunce: We wanted some chocolate! It's yummy, do you want some?
[offers Mickey her hand to lick]
Mickey Bunce: [chuckles] No, I don't want any.
Ms. Fuzzock: This young lady has made quite a mess in the kitchen, and she expects me to believe that some pretend friend did it.
Natalie Bunce: He's not pretend! He's drop dead Fred!
Elizabeth: [kneels down to speak to Natalie] What did you say?
Fred: [appearing from behind a tree] She said I'm not pretend. What are you deaf?
Mickey Bunce: Natalie, come on, what really happened?
Natalie Bunce: I'm telling you the truth! Don't you believe me?
Elizabeth: I believe you. Next time you see that drop dead Fred. You give him my love.
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[first lines]
Polly: And the prince took the beautiful young girl in his arms and said, will you marry me? Yes, she whispered, I will be your princess.
Young Elizabeth: Did they live happily ever after?
Polly: Of course, Elizabeth.
[tucking her in]
Young Elizabeth: How do you know?
Polly: Because she was a good little girl. If she had been naughty, the prince would have run away.
Young Elizabeth: What a pile of shit!
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Fred: Just kiss me, and say Drop Dead Fred... now
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[Fred appears in front of a mirror]
Fred: Boo!
Elizabeth: Aaah!
Fred: [laughing] Shit yourself?
Elizabeth: I thought you were dead.
Fred: Hey, it takes more than a fire truck to stop Drop Dead Fred.
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[Fred sees Elizabeth and Charles]
Fred: Ugh! What does that taste like?
[Elizabeth elbows him in the gut]
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[forces Elizabeth into her room]
Nurse: Good night, flake!
Fred: Yeah, well, we're not scared of you, fatso!
[the door locks]
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