Jay Leno: [to Hugh Grant] What the hell were you thinking?
[about President Bush touring the South after Hurricane Katrina]
Jay Leno: He saw something below sea level. Yeah, his approval rating.
[about Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers]
Jay Leno: She called Bush "the most brilliant man I ever met." This is a woman we're hiring for her *judgment*?
Jay Leno: [Re: Various things like a jewel-encrusted Mr. Potato Head] This is why poor countries hate us!
Jay Leno: It's so cold in Washington, DC, it took 15 minutes to jump-start Dick Cheney's heart.
Dennis Miller: I like Dick Cheney, because he's perpetually pissed off.
[trying to fight off the "Ebonic Plague"]
Kevin Eubanks: Oh no! There be a hole in my suit!
[on guest Quentin Tarantino]
Jay Leno: He's the kind of guy you don't know is drunk until you see him sober.
[Jay Leno tells a joke about Bush "outsourcing" the presidency]
Jay Leno: That seemed kinda mean, didn't it? Who is writing all these Bush jokes? Ellen, put on the camera in the cue card room.
[switches camera to John Edwards writing monologue cue cards]
Jay Leno: Who's writing in there?
John Edwards: Hey Jay - you do your job, and let me do mine.
Jay Leno: It was so cold in California today, Scott Peterson has said he's actually looking forward to going to Hell.
[on trip to China, guest Liam Neeson spent about $15 on some very cheap watches for his kids]
Jay Leno: You cheap bastard.
[about the Kansas City Royals, who lost 17 games in row]
Jay Leno: It looks like President Bush wasn't the *only* one taking the entire month of August off.
[about all the Hollywood remakes of "King Kong"]
Jay Leno: I think it's just a case of monkey see, monkey do.
Jay Leno: [reading an Ad on "Headlines"] Men, do you have vaginal dryness?
Jay Leno: [doing "Headlines"] "Organism" can be a tricky word to spell...
Jay Leno: [repeatedly, his frequent signature post-punch line] Exactly!
Jay Leno: [during "Headlines", imitating in southern accent ] Well, looook, here's some suuure fine winder cleaner!