A bank robbery. A rural community with a funeral. Stephen Baldwin in his pre-right wing Christian nutjob days is comforted by the great character actor M. Emmett Walsh. His dad died and he is inheriting his land. Baldwin doesn't pay attention when the will is read out. He seems strange, perhaps autistic. He is tormented by really strange dreams and sound effects, and awakes looking less disturbed than diarrhoetic. Perhaps that gives a clue as to why his career tanked.
Then a sexy woman with strawberry blonde hair shows up and asks for directions. For some reason he opens his doors to her and lets her sleep in the house. Just a simple country boy, he sleeps in the hayloft. She even has to put the moves on him, not the other way around. He's certainly not your typical ladies' man soft porn protagonist. "You're a real gentleman," the girl says to him. She was apparently misled by some guy into coming to the town.
Baldwin meets Patsy Kensit in a diner. She wants to buy his house, but the other lady (played by Jennifer Rubin) doesn't want him to. So he's pulled in two directions simultaneously. M. Emmet Walsh is the sherriff who doesn't have a gun because "he doesn't need one".
Turns out he kind of does need one after all: the diner is invaded by an angry black man swinging a baseball bat. The deputy has a gun, but sheriff Walsh makes him hand it over, and he takes the bullets out. Of course he is able to mollify the angry man, who gives up the bat willingly. "Now you know why he doesn't need a gun," says Baldwin.
The first nudity of the movie comes when the Rubin character is seen trying on clothes back in the house, leaving the door ajar so that Baldwin can spy. She stands in her panties and briefly shows breasts. She realises Baldwin is watching, and in fact he is upset that she is wearing his mother's clothes. She is not at all shy or angry to be seen undressed by him.
Baldwin and the girl find a dead animal in the paddock, and burn it in a furnace.
Baldwin meets Kensit again, and he is intrigued by her worldliness. Like Rubin, she seems to be coming on to him, placing a business card in his jeans pocket.
Baldwin and Rubin have a brief scene hunting, and then cut back to the farm, where Rubin is wearing a bath robe.
Rubin makes Baldwin rub her neck, undoing the robe to bear her breasts to the camera.
Baldwin has another of those weird chaotic flashbacks, apparently showing him as a child being whipped by his dad. Rubin takes his hand and places it on her breast, and then kisses him. Dropping the robe she stands in her panties before him, showing her flat butt. He confesses that he's a virgin, she says it's okay, and we get our first sex scene.
This scene is actually surprisingly toned down. We see a bit of nudity from both parties - Rubin's breasts again and Baldwin's butt - but there's no actual simulation of sex, just the two touching each other for a bit. It's also really short.
They wake up the next morning with Baldwin's butt facing the camera. Kensit pays another visit. She's more than a simple farm boy can handle. Seems almost diabolical.
The lucky Baldwin is then enticed by Kensit to come into her home. Obviously it's a foregone conclusion that they are going to have sex. Even viewers of the film upon its first release would have known that, and like me, would have been pondering the film's only real mystery: will there be a threesome?
Kensit seduces Baldwin by breathlessly reading some poetry. He is reluctant, but she pushes him into a room and strips for him, and us. She is wearing a black bustier under her clothes.
There is more of a sex scene between Kensit and Baldwin than there was with Rubin. We actually see some simulation of sex, and there is a montage of the couple having sex in the shower as well, making you wonder where they found the time. Kensit shows her breasts, and we see some of Baldwin's pubic hair as they lounge in the bath tub. For such an innocent farm boy, he seems to turn into a Casanova pretty quickly. This would be a suitable pose for two people who had long been lovers, or just very comfortable with sex. Baldwin is neither.
Kensit cuts Baldwin's hair in the bath tub for some reason.
Perhaps encouraged by his experience with Kensit, Baldwin then takes Rubin into the shower with him, where he discovers she has a tattoo on her back that says "Kiki".
This movie moves pretty slowly. We're only half way.
Baldwin then comes home to find Kensit and Rubin drinking together, getting along swimmingly.
Kensit apparently knows that Baldwin is having sex with both her and Rubin. "Two women on your hands," she says. "What are you going to do with us both?" She then comes to seduce him while ominous music plays and Baldwin begs her, "Please... don't..."
It's almost like a series of female-on-male rape scenes.
When Kensit beds Baldwin again, Rubin discovers them, and crawls into bed with her. He is reluctant even now, looking at a crucifix on the bedside table which Kensit knocks aside. "If God's really watching, he wishes he were you," she says.
The bank robbers from the beginning of the movie make their inevitable return while Baldwin is waiting in line. As they make their getaway, they shoot Sheriff Walsh. What a surprise that his no guns policy would end up costing him.
Upon returning home, Baldwin notices some blood on the floor, so finally we have the reason to believe at least one of the women is not to be trusted, as if we didn't know it was coming. They should have put that in earlier, obviously.
Baldwin finds one of the women being throttled by one of the robbers. They have a stand-off - Baldwin has a massive revolver for some reason - and a fight, but then Rubin blasts the robber. She says there was a woman with the robber who was a getaway driver - putting a big question mark over Kensit's character.
Rubin tells a story about being raped and killing her attacker.
After burning evidence out of doors, Baldwin comes in to find both women slow dancing in their underwear. The movie skips another sex session and just shows the three in bed. There's a strange scene where Kensit licks Baldwin's stitches where the robber cut him.
They get to keep the money the robber had taken. Kensit wants to rob another bank. Baldwin doesn't want to do it, but Kensit and Rubin both do. Surprise surprise, they talk him into it anyway. The women both paint their eyes like goggles.
What's the bet Walsh has changed his mind about bearing arms?
Someone gets shot in the robbery and the threesome get away. They celebrate in the car on the way home.
"I think I just winged him though," says Baldwin about the guy he shot. "Old b*stard shouldn't have tested me!"
Um, he certainly took to his life of crime quickly, didn't he? A couple of scenes ago he didn't even want to rob the bank.
They get the police off their trail by throwing some fluid over the police car's windscreen, which doesn't even seem to block the copper's view. Then they get home where Baldwin, his blood still pumping, attempts to rape Rubin! From a simple farm boy to a bank robber, murderer and rapist in a matter of hours?
"You want it! I know you want it! You've done this before! B*tch!" His behaviour seems worse than the robber's we met before. Kensit rescues her. He spends the night in bed alone.
The sheriff's deputy, played by the unrelated Adam Baldwin, pays a visit to the other Baldwin about the robbery.
We wonder whether the deputy is onto Baldwin, but he is more interested in his sex life. Baldwin continues to abuse Rubin for no apparent reason, smacking her in the mouth. Deus ex machina, here we come!
There's a scuffle with Kensit, where she apparently gets shot... without a gunshot sound effect? How did they mess that up?
Kensit, with a gunshot wound, starts talking in a ridiculous Southern accent. Apparently we are supposed to believe that the British one - her actual accent - was fake.
There are some revelations of things we have been suspecting since the beginning of the movie, some more bloodshed, and then it's over. What a waste of time. Sure, it's nice seeing Kensit topless, but the nudity - and especially the sex - was nothing to write home about. Neither was the movie, even by b-movie standards.
