T.V. Reporter: [to John Spartan] How can you justify destroying a $7 million dollar mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000 dollars?

Little Girl: FUCK YOU, LADY!

John Spartan: Ha! Good answer!

Lenina Huxley: I have, in fact, perused some newsreels in the Schwarzenegger Library, and the time that you took that car...

John Spartan: Hold it. The Schwarzenegger Library?

Lenina Huxley: Yes. The Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. Wasn't he an actor when you...?

John Spartan: Stop! He was President?

Lenina Huxley: Yes! Even though he was not born in this country, his popularity at the time caused the 61st Amendment which states...

John Spartan: I don't wanna know. President...

John Spartan: [to machine on wall after finding out that they no longer use toilet paper] Thanks a lot you shit-brained, fuck-faced, ball breaking, duck fucking pain in the ass.

Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined five credits for repeated violations of the verbal morality statute.

John Spartan: [grabbing the tickets] So much for the seashells. See you in a few minutes.

Erwin: We're police officers! We're not trained to handle this kind of violence!

John Spartan: Send a maniac to catch one.

Boggle Guard: Mellow greetings. What seems to be your boggle?

[last lines]

John Spartan: But there's just one thing I wanna know...

Lenina Huxley: Hm?

John Spartan: How's that damn three seashell thing work?

[the voice-activated car that Spartan is riding in is malfunctioning]

John Spartan: Brake! Brake! Brake now, you Mickey Mouse-piece of shit!

John Spartan: Bad aim, Blondie!

Simon Phoenix: Spartan? John Spartan? Aw shit, they let anybody into this century! What the hell you doing here?

[cops are singing along with "golden oldies": radio jingles]

John Spartan: Somebody put me back in the fridge.

John Spartan: Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

Simon Phoenix: Good memory.

John Spartan: [whispering to Lenina] Look, I don't know if you guys know it, but uh... you're out of toilet paper.

Alfredo Garcia: [confused] Did... did you say toilet *paper*?

Lenina Huxley: Um... they used handfuls of wadded paper back in the 20th...

[Lenina, Alfredo, and Erwin all laugh]

John Spartan: I'm happy that you're happy, but the place where you're supposed to have the toilet paper, you've got this little shelf with three seashells on it.

Erwin: He doesn't know how to use the three seashells!

[Erwin continues to laugh, then calms down]

Erwin: I can see how that could be confusing.

John Spartan: You're gonna regret this the rest of your life... both seconds of it.

Simon Phoenix: Wait a minute, this is the future. Where are all the phaser guns?

John Spartan: Hey Luke Skywalker, use the force.

Simon Phoenix: Simon says, "Die."

Automated Announcer: The Armory exhibit is now sealed. All museum patrons still occupying the facility should remain calm. Help is imminent.

[the sealed Armory door is blown apart by a canon]

Simon Phoenix: The museum is no longer sealed, is it? Ha-ha! What can I say, I'm a blast from the past!

John Spartan: You should've stayed there.

Simon Phoenix: Oh boy, that voice sounds familiar. Who is that?

[opens fire]

[after futuristic, contact-free "sex"]

John Spartan: Look, Huxley, why don't we just do it the old-fashioned way?

Lenina Huxley: [stands up, shocked] Eeewww, disgusting! You mean... *fluid transfer*?

Simon Phoenix: Simon says, "Bleed."

Troubled Guy: I don't know... lately I just don't feel like there's anything special about me.

Booth: You are an incredibly sensitive man, who inspires joy-joy feelings in all those around you.

[John Spartan landed on the police car stolen by Simon Phoenix]

Simon Phoenix: No free rides!

Lenina Huxley: What you're telling me to do is violate a direct order. I'm supposed to take you back to the Cryo Prison.

John Spartan: Listen, Huxley. I just know okay. I'm gonna find Phoenix and I'm gonna put him on ice or that's where *I'm* gonna be. After that, I'm gonna turn all of my attention to that fuckin' Cacteau.

Lenina Huxley: Enhance your calm, John Spartan.

John Spartan: Look, I'm tired of enhancing my calm.

Alfredo Garcia: [Seeing Spartan opening the pod to the depths of wasteland] Wait, you're opening the pod to the depths of wasteland?

John Spartan: The real reason why your citywide search didn't work is because Phoenix was in an area that A: You can't monitor. B: You're afraid to go down and C: You don't give a shit about. Now, I'm going to find Phoenix and I'm gonna put him in a hurt locker. So, are you coming with me, or are you gonna arrest me?

Lenina Huxley: Okay. Let's go blow this guy.

John Spartan: [Annoyed] Away. Blow this guy *away*?

Lenina Huxley: Whatever.

Lenina Huxley: I was wondering if you would like to have sex?

John Spartan: [surprised] Here? With you? Now?

Lenina Huxley: [nervously, nodding] Mm-hmm.

John Spartan: Oh yeah.

Booth: Gun. Noun. Portable firearm. This device was widely utilized in the urban wars of the late twentieth century. Referred to as a pistol, a piece...

Simon Phoenix: Look I don't need a history lesson! C'mon, HAL, where are the god damn guns?

Moral Statute Machine: You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.

Simon Phoenix: What? Fuck you!

Moral Statute Machine: Your repeated violation of the Verbal Morality Statute has caused me to notify the San Angeles Police Department. Please remain where you are for your reprimand.

Simon Phoenix: Yeah, right.

[police sirens approach]

Simon Phoenix: Fuckers are fast too.

Moral Statute Machine: You are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.

Lenina Huxley: He's finally matched his meet. You really licked his ass.

John Spartan: That's *met* his match and kicked... *kicked* his ass...

Lenina Huxley: The exchange of bodily fluids, do you know what that leads to?

John Spartan: Yeah, I do! Kids, smoking, a desire to raid the fridge.

Lenina Huxley: No, John Spartan, you do not accuse the savior of our city of being in league with a multi-murder-death-killer like Simon Phoenix! It's... rude!

John Spartan: I'll be subtle. I'm good at subtle.

Dr. Cocteau: John Spartan, this display of barbaric behavior was unacceptable even in your time!

John Spartan: Yeah. But it worked.

[Shoots out the monitors with Cocteau's face on them]

John Spartan: When a man like Pheonix has a gun to your head, ten seconds is nine and a half seconds longer than you live.

Lenina Huxley: [shoots a CyroCon about to knife Spartan] That man has died by my hands.

John Spartan: It was him or us, Huxley.

Lenina Huxley: Well yeah, there is that.

Lenina Huxley: [Spartan encounters a burger grill in the underground world] Just don't ask them where the meat comes from.

John Spartan: Huxley, what's that supposed to mean?

Lenina Huxley: Do you see any cows around here, detective?

John Spartan: Que es este carne?

[What is this meat?]

Hamburger Stand Scrap: Este carne es de rata.

[This meat is from rats]

John Spartan: Rat? This is a rat burger?

[vendor nods]

John Spartan: Not bad! Matter of fact this is the best burger I've had in years!

Hamburger Stand Scrap: Gracias, Senor.

John Spartan: Prego. See ya later.

Dr. Cocteau: Be well!

John Spartan: Be fucked.

Dr. Cocteau: John Spartan, this display of barbaric behavior was unacceptable even in your time!

John Spartan: Yeah. But it worked.

[Shooting]

John Spartan: When a man like Simon Pheonix pionts a gun at your head, 10 seconds is 9 1/2 seconds longer than you live.

Captain Healy: Dammit, Spartan. I'm sick and tired of this "Demolition Man" shit! You're not supposed to come down here, you're not supposed to apprehend Simon Phoenix single-handedly, and you're not supposed to blow anything up!

John Spartan: It wasn't me this time, he dumped the gas and had the placed rigged to blow.

Captain Healy: Yeah right, and you had nothing to do with it. I know you've been trying to nail this psycho for 2 years. But try to remember a little thing like official police procedure. Now where are the hostages?

John Spartan: They're not here.

Captain Healy: What do mean they're not here, are you sure?

John Spartan: Because I did a thermo check. They're only 8 people, all a part of his gang.

Simon Phoenix: [Being arrested] Wrong again.

John Spartan: Do you have something to say, scum bag?

Captain Healy: [to officer apprehending Phoenix] Get him out of here.

[to Spartan]

Captain Healy: You and I are gonna have a nice long chat.

Fire Fighter: [Coming in] Captain. Captain.

Captain Healy: What.

Fire Fighter: We've checked the building. There's bodies everywhere, there has to be about 20 or 30, they're everywhere.

[Spartan looks in disbelief]

Simon Phoenix: See Captain. I told him, he said he didn't care.

[Spartan charges at Phoenix but is restrained by his fellow officers]

Simon Phoenix: Oh shit, I can't believe that you gave up 30 hostages for little old me. We're gonna have a nice time together. See ya' sweetie. Honey! Sugar!

Captain Healy: Hope you called your lawyer, because you're gonna need him.

Edgar Friendly: You got ball balls, cop, coming down here after the show you put on.

Lenina Huxley: We're looking for a murder-death-killer. Can you help, or just bully us with your primitive weapons?

[Friendly then raises his twin barrelled pistol and fires it to show it's not primitive]

Lenina Huxley: Oh, maybe they're not so primitive.

Edgar Friendly: So, you think you're taking me in, huh? Guess what, not happening. You tell Cocteau he can kiss my ass. Yeah, that's right, you tell Cocteau it's gonna take an army of assholes to get rid of me 'cause I don't give a shit, I've got nothing to lose.

John Spartan: I don't wanna rain on your parade, pal. But, I don't know who the hell you are, let alone wanna take you anywhere. So stay here, be well and Cocteau's an asshole!

[In anger, he slaps a scrap's weapon to the side]

Wasteland Scrap: Let's stake them and dump them up top, they're only down here to spy on us.

John Spartan: Wait a minute, you're the guy outside Taco Bell.

Edgar Friendly: Yeah. What do you want?

John Spartan: I guess you weren't part of the Cocteau Plan.

Edgar Friendly: Greed, deception, abuse of power? That's no plan.

John Spartan: And that's why everybody's down here?

Edgar Friendly: You got that right. See, according to Cocteau's plan, I'm the enemy. Cause I like to think, I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind if guy who wants to sit in a greasy spoon and think, "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I want high cholesterol. I want to eat bacon, butter and buckets of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in a non-smoking section. I wanna run through the streets naked with green Jello all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to. Okay, pal? I've seen the future, you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sittin' around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake singing "I'm an Oscar-Meyer Wiener". You wanna live on top, you gotta live Cocteau's way. What he wants, when he wants, how he wants. Your other choice: come down here, maybe starve to death.

John Spartan: All right, then why don't you take charge and lead these people out of here?

Edgar Friendly: I'm no leader. I do what I have to do. Sometimes, people come with me. All I want to do is bury Cocteau up to his neck in shit and let him think happy-happy thoughts forever.

John Spartan: Then I got bad news: I think he wants to kill you.

[Freindly gives him a blank look]

John Spartan: You're on TV!

Warden William Smithers - Aged: Do you have anything new to say on your behalf?

Simon Phoenix: Yeah, I do. Teddy Bear!

Zachary Lamb - Aged: Simon Phoenix is an old fashioned criminal. We need an old fashioned cop.

Lenina Huxley: Chief, you can take this job, and you can shovel it.

John Spartan: Take this job... and shovel it.

Lenina Huxley: Yeah?

John Spartan: Close enough.

Lenina Huxley: [sotto voce] Sanctimonious asshole.

Machine on wall: Lenina Huxley, you are fined one-half credit for a sotto voce violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.

Taco Bell Patron: What would you say if I called you a brutish fossil, symbolic of a decayed era gratefully forgotten?

John Spartan: I don't know... thanks?

Squad Leader: Simon Phoenix! Lie down with your hands behind your back.

Simon Phoenix: What's this? Six of you. Such nice, tidy uniforms. Oh I'm so scared!

[the Police Officers look at each other]

Simon Phoenix: What you guys don't have sarcasm anymore?

[Police Officer talks to his automated assistant]

Squad Leader: Maniac has responded with a scornful remark.

automated assistant: Approach, and repeat ultimatum in an even firmer tone of voice. Add the words, "or else".

John Spartan: Why don't you just shove a leash up my ass?

Lenina Huxley: Ah, smoking is not good for you, and it's been deemed that anything not good for you is bad; hence, illegal. Alcohol, caffeine, contact sports, meat...

John Spartan: Are you shitting me?

Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.

John Spartan: What the hell is that?

Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.

Lenina Huxley: Bad language, chocolate, gasoline, uneducational toys and anything spicy. Abortion is also illegal, but then again so is pregnancy if you don't have a licence.

Simon Phoenix: [checking the charge status of his futuristic plasma rifle] C'mon you space-age piece of shit!

John Spartan: Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you back there.

Lenina Huxley: No need to make a de-hurtful retraction. I've just assimilated too much contraband. I fleshed you out as some blow-up-the-bad-guy-with-a-happy-grin-he-man type, but now I realize that you're the moody-troubled-past-gunslinger-who-only-draws-when-he-must type.

John Spartan: Huxley, stop.

Lenina Huxley: What?

John Spartan: I'm not any of that. I just do my job and things get...

Lenina Huxley: Get demolished.

[after Spartan crashes in a police car]

Lenina Huxley: Look at you, you're a shambles!

John Spartan: Don't worry, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread.

[pause]

John Spartan: I really didn't say that, did I? Damn!

John Spartan: I'm gonna go down there, I'm gonna find Phoenix, and I'm gonna put him in a hurt locker.

Zachary Lamb - Aged: Phoenix is an old fashioned criminal. We need an old fashioned cop.

Edgar Friendly: [referring to Phoenix] They thawed this guy out just to kill me? I'm flattered.

John Spartan: Don't be flattered, be frightened. This guy's a certifiable nightmare.

Lenina Huxley: Thank you for rendering me unconscious.

John Spartan: Huxley, I did it for your own good.

Lenina Huxley: We're supposed to be a team.

John Spartan: We are.

[grabs Huxley, dips, and tongue-kisses her]

Lenina Huxley: [shocked, but impressed] Oh, my. Are all bodily fluid transfers like this?

John Spartan: Better.

Lenina Huxley: Better? Oh, my.

[Huxley kisses Spartan]

John Spartan: I think I'm gonna like the future.

Lenina Huxley: [stamping her foot] You are a savage creature John Spartan, and I wish for you to leave my domicile now!

John Spartan: Huxley, look, this isn't the Wild West! The Wild West wasn't even the Wild West! Hurting people's not a good thing! Sometimes it is,

[turns to Cocteau]

John Spartan: but not when it's a bunch of people looking for something to eat!

Lenina Huxley: Looks like there's a new shepherd in town.

[Spartan gives her an exasperated look]

John Spartan: That's sheriff.

Lenina Huxley: I find this lack of stimulus to be truly disappointing, don't you think?

Warden William Smithers - Aged: I try not to, my dear. However, you're young, think all you want!

[Huge Explosion, John Spartan steps from the wreckage]

Simon Phoenix: I'll be god damned! Like a New York cockroach!

Simon Phoenix: I must've done something right in a previous life. Can't imagine what that could've been.

[a frozen naked criminal swings by overhead]

Simon Phoenix: I hope my butt didn't look like that! Okay, who do we have left that's good? Wilkes, Patrick... Jeffrey Dahmer? I love that guy!

Simon Phoenix: So let me get this right, they defrosted you just so you could lasso my piddly ass? Damn, you been had! I been dreamin' about killin' you for forty years.

John Spartan: Well, keep dreaming!

Dr. Cocteau: Well I must say that whacking, whatever it is, sounds most disagreeable.

John Spartan: You're under arrest, Phoenix.

Simon Phoenix: Arrest? Shit. And you're trespassing.

Chief George Earle: We can just wait for another code to go red. And when Phoenix performs another Murder Death Kill, we'll know exactly where to pounce.

John Spartan: [sarcastic] Great plan.

Chief George Earle: [not realising the sarcasm] Thank you.

Erwin: He likes your plan, Chief!

Simon Phoenix: [after his gang kills Dr. Cocteau] Put another log on the fire!

[the gang throws Cocteau into the fireplace]

John Spartan: [commenting on his cryo-prison conditioning program] I'm a seamstress? - That's great. I come out of cryo-prison and I'm Betsy-fucking-Ross...

[Simon goes to a computer terminal and is surprised to find his fingers flying across the keys with ease]

Simon Phoenix: Damn, I'm possessed! Wonder if I can play the accordion too...

Lenina Huxley: [complementing Spartan] You are even better live than on Laserdisc!

Lenina Huxley: I thought your life force had been prematurely terminated!

John Spartan: Yeah, I thought I was history too. What the hell happened? All of a sudden, this car turned into a cannoli.

[Simon's museum piece "ray gun" beeps ready]

Simon Phoenix: It's about time! The past is over, John! Time for something new and improved!

John Spartan: Aw, hell...

[he leaps out of the way as Simon fires an energy blast from the rifle, blowing a hydrant apart]

Simon Phoenix: Holy shit! I love this gun!

Simon Phoenix: [to Cocteau] That's who you remind me of: an evil Mr. Rogers!

[Spartan and Huxley enter and see Cocteau's face speaking to them from dozens of monitors]

Dr. Cocteau: Forgive my lack of bodily disposition, but I do have an entire city government to run.

John Spartan: Yeah, well run this: you programmed Phoenix's rehabilitation program to turn him into a terrorist, and I don't think his escape was an accident either!

Lenina Huxley: Very subtle.

John Spartan: Thank you.

[after Spartan crashes in a police car]

Lenina Huxley: Look at you, you're in shambles!

John Spartan: Don't worry, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread.

[pause]

John Spartan: I really didn't say that, did I? Damn!

[John Spartan is about to bungee jump from a helicopter]

John Spartan: Send a maniac to catch one.

Simon Phoenix: See, I told the city, I said "Look, nobody comes down here." Postmen figured it out. Policemen figured it out. But the goddamned bus drivers just wouldn't listen.

Simon Phoenix: You're dead, Spartan!

John Spartan: You forgot to say Simon Says.

John Spartan: Is it cold in here, or is it just me?

John Spartan: You know, I keep looking around and I think about my daughter growing up in a place like this and I'm afraid she's gonna think I'm some kind of primitive. That I mean, as much as I wanna see her, I almost don't want to 'cause I wouldn't fit into the picture very well. Not very well at all.

Simon Phoenix: [Opens a manhole ] Shit! I love that smell. Reminds me of biscuits 'n gravy.

John Spartan: I remember when you were a snot-nosed rookie pilot.

Zachary Lamb - Aged: They finally grounded me.

John Spartan: Shit! *buzz!* You were a damn good flyer. *buzz!*

Alfredo Garcia: They seem to be friends, yet he speaks to him in the most profane manner

Lenina Huxley: Well, if you had read my study, you would know this is how insecure heterosexual males used to bond.

Dr. Cocteau: Isn't there a thought repeating in that barbaric brain of yours? The name Friendly? Mr. Edgar Friendly? Don't you have someone to kill?

Chief George Earle: I monitored your disheartening and distressing comments to the warden this morning. Do you really long for chaos and disharmony? Your fascination with the vulgar 20th century seems to be affecting your better judgement. You realize you're setting a bad example for other officers and sworn personnel.

Lenina Huxley: Thank you for the attitude adjustment, Chief Earle. Info assimilated.

Erwin: [14:38] Greetings and salutations. Welcome to the emergency line of the San Angeles Police Department. If you'd prefer an automated response, press 1 now.

Chief George Earle: You have apprehended the villain responsible for the murder of our beloved Dr. Raymond Cocteau?

John Spartan: Well, I wouldn't exactly say apprehended. Let's just say he's history. And the Cryo-prison? That's history, too.

[Chief Earle looks upon the damaged cryo-prison in disbelief]

Chief George Earle: [confused; takes off his glasses] What will we do? How will we live?

Edgar Friendly: I tell you what we're do. We're all gonna go out drinking, get shit-faced, and paint the town, literally. I mean graffiti, slogans. It'll be a blast.

John Spartan: Whoa, Whoa. I'll tell you what gonna do:

John Spartan: [to Chief Earle] Why don't you get a little dirty?

John Spartan: [to Edgar] You a lot clean.

John Spartan: And somewhere in the middle... I don't know. You'll figure it out.

Alfredo Garcia: Fuckin' A!

John Spartan: [impressed] Well put.

John Spartan: [to Garcia] We'll look at you. You get a bump on the noggin, and you think you're Pancho Villa?

Alfredo Garcia: [Garcia looks confused] Who?

John Spartan: [Spartan shaking his head] Never mind.

Edgar Friendly: [to Spartan] Time to take a stand pal.

John Spartan: [to Edgar] Well good. While you're doing that, loan me a gun.

[Edgar hands Spartan a gun]

John Spartan: Loan me two guns.

[Wastelander hands Spartan a waste belt with a gun in it. Spartan puts the belt over his shoulder]

Chief George Earle: [to Edgar and Wastelanders] You'de use the weapons of mass destruction against men and women who uphold the law?

Edgar Friendly: [to Chief] We use these to shop for groceries.