Squints: the kid is a L7 weenie.

Yeah Yeah: yeah yeah, Oscar Myer even, footlong, dodger dog, a weenie!

All: ohhh haha

Benny Rodriguez: what are you laughing at Yeah Yeah? you run like a duck!

Yeah Yeah: kay kay, but I'm... I'm...

Benny Rodriguez: Part of the game right?

Yeah Yeah: mmm... Yeah?

Benny Rodriguez: Now how come he don't get to be?

Bertram: hes a geek man

All: he can't catch.

Benny Rodriguez: [looks back at smalls] Man base up you blockheads.

"The Babe": Remember kid, there's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered but legends never die, follow your heart kid, and you'll never go wrong.

[repeated line]

Ham Porter: You're killing me, Smalls!

Ham Porter: Hey, Smalls, you wanna s'more?

Smalls: Some more of what?

Ham Porter: No, do you wanna s'more?

Smalls: I haven't had anything yet, so how can I have some more of nothing?

Ham Porter: You're killing me Smalls! These are s'more's stuff! Ok, pay attention. First you take the graham, you stick the chocolate on the graham. Then you roast the 'mallow. When the 'mallows flaming... you stick it on the chocolate. Then cover with the other end. Then you scarf. Kind of messy, but good! Try some!

Ham Porter: *play ball!* Hurry up, batter. This better be a short game, I gotta get home for lunch.

[Pitcher pitches and the batter fails to even swing]

Ham Porter: Haha, that's one.

[cuts to new pitch]

Ham Porter: [to the batter] You know, if my dog was as ugly as you. I'd shave his butt and tell him to walk backwards.

[cuts to new pitch]

Ham Porter: Here it comes, it's coming, I tell ya. *Strike three*

[Porter puts the batter off, he swings and misses]

Ham Porter: *You're out!"

[cuts to new pitch]

Ham Porter: Is that your sister out there in left field, naked? She's naked?

Phillips: [swings and misses again] *Shut up Porter!*

Ham Porter: Hey, hey, hey, I'm just trying to have a little friendly conversation, come on.

[two seconds later]

Ham Porter: Think she'll go out with me?

"The Babe": Let me tell you something kid; Everybody gets one chance to do something great. Most people never take the chance, either because they're too scared, or they don't recognize it when it spits on their shoes.

[the Sandlot Kids and their arch-rivals come face-to-face]

Phillips: It's easy when you play with rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez.

Benny: Shut your mouth, Phillips!

Ham Porter: What'd you say, crap face?

Phillips: You shouldn't be allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game.

Ham Porter: Come on! We'll take you on, right here! Right now! Come on!

Sandlot Kids: Yeah!

Phillips: We play on a real diamond, Porter. You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.

Ham Porter: Watch it, jerk!

Phillips: Shut up, idiot!

Ham Porter: Moron!

Phillips: Scab eater!

Ham Porter: Butt sniffer!

Phillips: Pus licker!

Ham Porter: Fart smeller!

Bertram: [sniffs] Ahh.

Phillips: You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek!

Ham Porter: You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam!

Sandlot Kids: Yeah!

Phillips: You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!

Ham Porter: You play ball like a giiirrrrrrrrl!

[entire group stands in shocked silence]

Phillips: What did you say?

Ham Porter: You heard me.

Phillips: Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath.

Ham Porter: Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face!

Smalls: I was gonna put the ball back.

Squints: But it was signed by Babe Ruth!

Smalls: Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?

Ham Porter: WHAT? WHAT?

Kenny: The sultan of swat!

Bertram: The king of crash!

Timmy: The colossus of clout!

Tommy: The colossus of clout!



Smalls: Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?

All: YES!

Benny Rodriguez: Smalls, Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player that ever lived. People say he was less than a god but more than a man. You know, like Hercules or something. That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth, well, more than your whole life.

Smalls: [Falls to the ground and clutches his stomach, groaning] I don't feel so good.

All: [Fanning Scott with their caps] Give him air, give him air.

Narrator: Michael Squints Palledorous walked a little taller that day. And we had to tip our hats to him. He was lucky she hadn't beat the *crap* out of him. We wouldn't have blamed her. What he'd done was sneaky, rotten, and low... and cool. Not another one among us would have ever in a million years even for a million dollars have the guts to put the move on the lifeguard. He did. He had kissed a woman. And he had kissed her long and good. We got banned from the pool forever that day. But every time we walked by after that, the lifeguard looked down from her tower, right over at Squints, and smiled.

Squints: It's about time Benny, my clothes are going out of style.

Yeah Yeah: They already are, Squints.

Squints: Shut up.

Squints: For-ev-ver! For-ev-ver! For-ev-ver! For-ev-ver!

Mr. Mertle: [Smalls has lost a baseball signed by Babe Ruth] I take it back. You're not in trouble, you're dead where you stand.

Ham Porter: [mimicking Babe Ruth with a cigar in his mouth; can't understand him] Check this out. I'm the Great Bambino.

Sandlot Kids: What?

Ham Porter: [still can't understand him] I'm the Great Bambino!

Sandlot Kids: What?

Ham Porter: [takes cigar out of mouth] I'm the Great Bambino.

Sandlot Kids: Oh!

Smalls: Who's that?

Smalls: [narrating] I had no idea what they were talking about.

Ham Porter: What did he say?

Bertram: What? Were you born in a barn, man?

Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, what planet are you from?

Smalls: [narrating] But there was no *way* I could let them know.

Squints: You've never heard of the sultan of swat?

Kenny: The titan of terror.

Timmy: The colossus of clout!

Tommy: The colossus of clout!

Benny Rodriguez: The king of crash, man.

Smalls: [narrating] So, I lied.

Smalls: Oh! The Great Bambino. Of course. I thought you said the great Bambi.

Ham Porter: That wimpy deer?

Benny Rodriguez: Man, you think too much! I bet you get straight A's and shit!

Scotty Smalls: No, I got a B once. Well, actually it was an A minus but it should have been a B.

Benny Rodriguez: Man, this is baseball, you gotta stop thinking! Just have fun. If you were having fun, you would have caught that ball!

Squints: Where did your old man get that ball?

Smalls: I don't know. Some lady gave it to him. She even signed her name on it.Some lady named... Ruth. Baby Ruth.

All: *Babe Ruth?*

Ham Porter: Benny, why'd you bring that kid?

Benny Rodriguez: Because he makes nine of us.

Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, so does my sister, but I didn't bring her along!

Ham Porter: [the kids are being chased away from the pool by the lifeguards after Squints kisses Wendy] Oh, here's your glasses. Did you plan that?

Squints: [puts on his glasses] Of course I did. been planning it for years.

Squints: [Squints is about to tell a story] Quiet! Are you trying to wake it up. It just went to bed!

Smalls: [quite loudly] What just went to bed?

All: SHH!


All: The Beast.

Smalls: [louder] Oh yeah!


Sandlot Kids: [after Wendy Peffercorn pulls Squints from the pool] Squints! Come on Squints!

Ham Porter: Come on Squints. Squints!

Timmy: Come on, Squints, come on!

Scotty Smalls: [shouts] Come on, Squints. You can do it! Pull through, bud!

Benny Rodriguez: Come on, man, come on!

Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, he looks pretty crappy.

Tommy: Squints! Come on man!

Bertram: My God, he looks like a dead fish.

Sandlot Kids: [Squints opens his eyes and smiles] *What*?

Wendy Peffercorn: [Squints kisses Wendy]

[muffled scream]

Wendy Peffercorn: *Ugh!* *Little pervert!*

Timmy: Aww, man, he's in deep *shit!*

Smalls: [voiceover] We all lived in the neighborhood for a couple of more years-mostly through junior high school-and every summer was great. But none of them ever came close to that first one. When one guy would move away, we never replaced him on the team with anyone else. We just kept the game going like he was still there.

Narrator: [at the end, telling what became of his friends] Bertram?... Bertram got really into the 60s, and no one ever saw him again.

Ham Porter: This pop isn't workin', Benny! I'm bakin' like a toasted cheese-it! It's so hot here!

Benny Rodriguez: [referring to the chewed-up baseball] That's really nice of you, but that ball really is signed by Babe Ruth.

Mr. Mertle: So's this one... with the rest of the 1927 Yankees.

Squints: I've been coming here every summer of my adult life, and every summer there she is oiling and lotioning, lotioning and oiling... smiling. I can't take this no more!

Benny Rodriguez: Anyone who wants to be a can't-hack-it pantywaist who wears their mama's bra, raise your hand.

Smalls: You were all leaving, so I thought I'd hop the...

Squints: If you'da been thinkin you wouldn't 'a thought that.

Benny Rodriguez: [about Smalls' hat] Got a fireplace?

Scotty Smalls: Yeah.

Benny Rodriguez: Throw that in there, man.

Smalls: Oh yeah, the Great Bambino. Of course! I thought you said the Great Bambi.

Ham Porter: That wimpy deer?

Smalls: Yeah, I guess. Sorry.

Timmy: Smalls, you mean to tell me you went home, swiped a ball that was signed by BABE RUTH, brought it out here and actually played with it?

Tommy: And actually played with it?

Ham Porter: You call that pitching? This is baseball! Not tennis!

"The Babe": [looks at baseball card] Henry Aaron. I don't know why but can I have this, kid?

Wendy Peffercorn: Little pervert!

Squints: Come on, Benny. Man. The kid is a...

[with his thumb and index fingers of both hands]

Squints: L, 7, Weenie!

Yeah Yeah: Yeah. Yeah. Oscar Meyer even.

Mr. Mertle: Baseball was life! And I was good at it... real good.

Yeah Yeah: [about Squints] Yeah yeah, he looks pretty crappy.

Toddler: Mommy, mommy, look at the doggie. Ow, that's a big doggie!

Benny Rodriguez: Man, this is baseball. You gotta stop thinking. Just have fun. I mean, if you were having fun you would've caught that ball. You ever have a paper route?

Smalls: I helped a guy once.

Benny Rodriguez: Okay, well chuck it like you throw paper. When your arm gets here, just let go. Just let go, it's that easy.

[starts to jog away]

Smalls: How do I catch it.

Benny Rodriguez: Just stand out there and stick your glove out in the air. I'll take care of it.

Mom: Honey, I want you to make some friends this summer, lots of them.

Smalls: Yeah, I know. But I'm not good at anything, mom. Face it, I'm just an egghead.

Squints: It's about time Benny, my clothes are goin' outa style.

Yeah Yeah: They already are, Squints.

Squints: Shut up.

Squints: [In the tree house, telling the story of the mutant dog who lives next door] ... after a while the cops started getting calls from people reporting all the missing thieves...

[repeated line]

Narrator: And he/we did the dumbest thing anyone of us could ever have imagined.

Ham Porter: Hamilton "the Babe" Porter. "Long Ball" Porter. Come on DeNunez.

[Points to center field like Babe Ruth. Everyone laughs]