- Carl Roebuck: Sixty years old and still getting crushes on other men's wives. I would hope by the time I'm your age, I'm a little smarter than that.
- Sully: Can't hurt to hope. You sure are off to a slow start.
- Judge Flatt: Ollie, you know my feelings about arming morons: you arm one, you've got to arm them all, otherwise it wouldn't be good sport.
- Miss Beryl: Doesn't it bother you that you haven't done more with the life God gave you?
- Sully: Not often. Now and then.
- Ollie Quinn: Officer Raymer is currently under suspension.
- Judge Flatt: Anesthesia is what he should be under.
- Officer Raymer: It's $15 dollars. You can mail it in, or you can come by the station. If it's not paid within 30 days, you'll be held in contempt.
- Sully: Boy, I hope you get laid sometime soon.
- Toby: Did you come to steal our new snowblower?
- Sully: I've already done it, just about.
- Toby: I could legally shoot you, you know.
- Sully: Not unless I'm breaking and entering
- Toby: ARE you gonna break and enter?
- Sully: What's happening with Dummy?
- Toby: I don't know. He took my threat to shoot him a lot more seriously than you just did.
- Rub Squeers: Can I borrow a dollar?
- Sully: Nope. You can borrow a jelly doughnut, though.
- Rub Squeers: You can't borrow a jelly doughnut. Once you eat it, it's gone.
- Sully: Once you borrow a dollar, it's gone. I'd rather buy you a jelly doughnut.
- Judge Flatt: Now is it true that you discharged your weapon, Officer?
- Officer Raymer: Your Honor, it was a warning shoot.
- Judge Flatt: Um hmm, you know who you warned? A little old lady sitting on her commode 2 blocks away.
- Miss Beryl: Do you still bet on that horse race of yours?
- Sully: What, the trifecta?
- Miss Beryl: Yes. Has it ever come in?
- Sully: Not yet.
- Miss Beryl: But you still bet on it.
- Sully: Well, sure. I mean, the odds have gotta kick in sooner or later.
- Miss Beryl: Fine. That's exactly the way I feel about you.
- Sully: What's the matter with you?
- Wirf: I'm trying to communicate with you telepathically.
- Carl Roebuck: Forget about it. The only way to communicate with Sully's to whack him in the head with a shovel.
- Peter: [as Peter is walking Sully to the police station to turn himself in, Sully has asked Peter to take care of a number of things for him while he's in jail] It's not going to be easy being you, is it?
- Sully: Don't expect much of yourself at the beginning. I couldn't do everything at first either.
- Sully: [about Toby] Don't tell me she's pregnant.
- Carl Roebuck: Knocked up like a cheerleader. Eh, I suppose now you're going to want to be godfather.
- Sully: Hey... . I can't be the father and the godfather. You got to goddamn do something.
- Sully: Go home, you jerk. You're married to the best-looking woman in Bath.
- Carl Roebuck: Who was it that said, "A man's reach should exceed his grasp?"
- Clive Peoples Jr.: We've been through this before. A landlord has -
- Sully: You are not my landlord!
- Clive Peoples Jr.: My mother is -
- Sully: The only reason I don't kick your ass. If you don't get out of here right now, I may change my mind.
- Carl Roebuck: You think I got where I got by doing shoddy work?
- Sully: No, you didn't get where you are by doing shoddy work. You didn't get where you are by doing *any* work.
- Sully: Which one of your fancy doctors advised you to drink, smoke, and screw your brains out
- Carl Roebuck: Those are unreasonable requests Sully. They wouldn't of made 'em if they didn't know me.
- Sully: If they'd known ya, they wouldn't have fixed ya.
- Sully: [quoting] Beware the chains we forge in life.
- Miss Beryl: I don't suppose you remember who said that?
- Sully: *You* did Miss Beryl, all through 8th grade.
- Sully: You ain't naked or anything, are ya?
- Toby: No, but I can be in about 2 seconds.
- Sully: Well, take your time. I need a cup of coffee.
- [on phone]
- Sully: Ace Towing? Sullivan. I'm just around the corner. 313 Harvin. Pick me up. Charge it. Tip Top Construction Company. Thanks.
- [hangs up phone]
- Sully: Horace?... .
- Horace Yaney: Hi, Sully. I ain't naked either.
- Sully: Thank God for that!
- [first lines]
- Miss Beryl: Mr. Sullivan.
- [banging on ceiling]
- Miss Beryl: Mr. Sullivan. God just took out Mrs. Gruber's bird bath!
- Miss Beryl: [to her husband's picture] He's getting closer Clive. Last year it was the street light at the end of the block, now it's Mrs. Gruber's bird bath. I think God's zeroing in on me. I have the feeling this is the year he lowers the boom.
- Wacker Sullivan: Who are you?
- Peter: He's your grandfather.
- Wacker Sullivan: Does he always look like that?
- Sully: Yeah, most of the time.
- Sully: You know when Ruby was here she used to wear this little see-through blouse, so if you want to keep up the tradition...
- [Toby briefly flashes her breasts at Sully]
- Sully: Uh...
- [after an awkward pause]
- Sully: OK then.
- Will: [From the other room] Grandpa! Are you OK?
- Toby: Yeah, grandpa. Are you OK?
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