Dracula: Dead and Loving It (1995)

Leslie Nielsen: Dracula

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Dracula is outside Mina's room] 

  Dracula : [to the maid]  Essie... Essie... Your eyelids are growing heavy You will sleep... sleep.

  [Essie nods off to sleep] 

  Dracula : Mina... Mina, open your eyes!

  [she does] 

  Dracula : Arise, Mina.

  [she does] 

  Dracula : Walk to the door.

  [Mina opens a door, and goes inside] 

  Dracula : Mina... you are in the closet. Open the door, and come out.

  [she does] 

  Dracula : Now walk to the Terrace Door. Watch out for the foot...

  [too late! Mina trips over the footstool, and goes flying] 

  Dracula : Stool. Stand up.

  [Essie and Mina both rise] 

  Dracula : Not you. Sit!

  [Mina sits] 

  Dracula : No, not you, *you* sit.

  [Essie sits] 

  Dracula : *You* stand.

  [both stand] 

  Dracula : No! Sit!

  [both sit] 

  Dracula : No, you stand!

  [both stand] 

  Dracula : You walk to the Terrace Door and you go back to sleep! *Watch out!*

  [Essie and Mina bump into one another and fall to the floor. Dracula throws his arms in frustration] 

• Van Helsing : Count Dracula. Hmm, curious. Are you descended from Vlad Tepes? The first Dracula?

  Dr. Seward : Tepes?

  Van Helsing : Ya. It means 'The Impaler.' He was a blood-thirsty butchah. He inflicted unspeakable tortures on the peasants: cutting off their hands and feet, gouging out their eyes and then impaling them on iron spikes!

  Dracula : [slowly, venomously]  They had it coming.

• [Dracula is hypnotizing a valet at the theatre where Doctor Seward is enjoying an opera] 

  Dracula : You vill tell Doctor Seward there is a message for him in the lobby... and you will remember nothing of what I tell you.

  [the valet goes to open Seward's chambers and nods her head. She opens the curtain to Seward's chambers and stands there with her mouth open for a few moments, then closes the curtain] 

  Usherette : [noticing Dracula standing there]  Hello, can I help you sir?

  Dracula : [mimicking her]  Can I help you sir?

  [normally] 

  Dracula : What's wrong with you, why did you not tell him?

  Usherette : About what?

  Dracula : About the message!

  Usherette : For whom?

  Dracula : Never mind! I vill tell him myself. And for your miserable performance, you will receive no tip!

  Usherette : No tip?

  Dracula : Ah! That, you remember!

• [a bat poops on the stairs] 

  Dracula : Children of the night... What a mess they make.

• Dracula : [in a dream walking about in the daylight thinking it's real]  It is so bright! So many colors! And the sun is so warm!

  [Spots a couple having a picnic] 

  Dracula : Hello, young lovers! I could not help but smell your lovely picnic. Could I presume to ask you for a piece of your chicken?

  Young Lover at Picnic : Surely, sir!

  Lover at Picnic : Some wine, sir?

  Dracula : I never drink... wine. Oh, what the hell. Let me try it.

  [Takes a drink] 

  Dracula : It's good!

  Renfield : Master, master!

  Dracula : Renfield, look at me! I am drinking wine, and eating chicken!

  Renfield : Master, what are you doing out in the daytime?

  Dracula : Relax, Renfield, I am cured!

  Renfield : No, no you're not, look!

  Dracula : [Sees himself burning]  I made a mistake! I've got to get back to my coffin!

  [Starts running in place before waking up in his coffin screaming] 

  Dracula : It's nighttime! It wasn't real. I was... having a daymare.

• Dracula : [after rising from his coffin and hitting his head on a chandelier]  I must move the coffin or the chandelier.

• Dracula : Renfield, you were having a nightmare!

  Renfield : A nightmare? But it was so real, so vivid. Two voluptuous women; grinding, heaving. I don't know how to describe it...

  [pause] 

  Renfield : Have you ever been to Paris?

• Dracula : [his last line]  Renfield, you asshole!

• Dracula : [carrying Essie out instead of Mina]  You will be my bride throughout eternity. We'll share the endless passion of immortal love.

  Essie : Oh I can't wait!

  Dracula : [stares at her in surprise]  NOT YOU!

  Dracula : [takes her back inside and throws heron the floor, and carries Mina out, speaking very fast]  You will be my bride throughout eternity, we'll share the endless passion of immortal love!

• Dracula : [after flying out the window to the ground below]  The field, hurry!

  [Renfield obeys and dives out the window, crash-landing on the ground below, then staggers disoriented to his feet] 

  Renfield : [Hobbles in pain]  Uuuhhhh!

  Dracula : Renfield... I meant for you to use the drainpipe

  [Points] 

  Dracula : I fly... You don't!

  Renfield : Oh yes, of course! He flies, I don't. He flies, I don't. He flies, I DON'T.

  [Hobbling off behind DRACULA] 

• Dracula : [after the credits end]  Sylvania.

• [Dracula picks up Jonathan by the throat] 

  Dracula : Arrogant mortal! You are in my world now and you will never leave this attic alive! I will destroy you, and then I will possess she whom you love the most. And there is not a single thing in the world you can do to stop me!

  [Dracula laughs. Jonathan pokes him in the eyes and Dracula drops Jonathan] 

  Dracula : Ow!

• Lover at Picnic : Some wine, sir?

  Dracula : I never drink wine... oh, what the hell. Let me try it.

• Dracula : [waking up from a bad dream]  Oh, it's night-time. I was having a daymare.

• Dracula : [from trailer]  It's good to be dead.