Grandpa: What the... what the hell is this?

John: That's lite beer.

Grandpa: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?

John: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high.

Grandpa: Well let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up, and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?

John: Bacon.

Grandpa: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?

John: What?

Grandpa: Huh?

John: Goes to show you what?

Grandpa: Well it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?

John: Well you said you drink beer, you eat bacon and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.

Grandpa: Yeah?

John: I thought maybe there was a moral.

Grandpa: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. Like that story.

John Gustafson: Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon.

Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first.

Mama Ragetti: We could have retired in Hawaii.

Grandpa Gustafson: I have been to Hawaii.

Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island?

Grandpa Gustafson: Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya.

Mama Ragetti: I find you disgusting.

Grandpa Gustafson: Well, just as long as you find me.

[after Allie swallows a quarter]

Grandpa: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time.

Melanie: Really?

Grandpa: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.

Grandpa: And then the Mama Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too!" And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, "Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!" But Goldylocks had a Remington semi-automatic, with a scope and a hair-trigger!

Allie, Melanie's Daughter: That's not the way it goes!

Grandpa: And that was the end of the Three Bears.

Grandpa: [to Mama Regatti in the produce section of the market] How about you come back to my place and I'll show you my man-size canalloni.

Max Goldman: [singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!

Grandpa: I'm done.

John Gustafson: Pop, I really wish you'd try the low fat bacon...

Grandpa: Well you can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which gets filled first!

[the elder Mr. Gustafson has passed away]

Max: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.

John: He was always very fond of you, Max.

Max: He was a good man.

John: The best.

Max: You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie.

John: And you know how I really feel about Jacob.

Max: Yeah, well, he deserves to be happy.

John: He deserves Melanie.

Max: Hmmmm. Well, whaddya wanna do now?

John: You wanna get drunk?

Max: Yeah.

[after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]

John Gustafson: I'm cold.

Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.

John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.

Max Goldman: You cut the anchor you dumb ass.

John Gustafson: Alright, then grab the net.

Max Goldman: You cut that too you dick head.

Max Goldman: If my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.

Max: [to John after Maria dumps spaghetti sauce on them] Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?

Maria: I haven't been with a man for a long time

Max Goldman: Me neither.

Max: I am the gangster of love

John: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?

Max: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.

[At Maria's resturante in front of Ariel, Maria and Max]

John: Nobody slept with anybody.'

[Shows up in the background]

Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself.

John Gustafson: This milk has chunks in it.

Max Goldman: What's your point?

John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria.

Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.

John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah.

Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.

[Grabs milk and smells it]

Max Goldman: Smells alright to me.

Maria: Ox

Max: Nag

[about talking to one's plants]

Max Goldman: I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.

Max: Eat my shorts.

[Tv on]

Geraldo: "Lesbian Bandits" next on "Geraldo"

Max: Ooooh Lesbians yummy.

[after finally catching Catfish Hunter]

Max: If I die today, I die a happy man.

John: You die today, I'm taking your motor.

[John charges at Max in a boat]

Max Goldman: You don't have the balls to take me on any more. Ariel's got you neutered.

John Gustafson: You won't even know I'm here.

Max Goldman: That's because you won't be here.

Max: [Maria kisses Max after they fall to the ground] Mama mia!

Maria: Holy moly!

Jacob Goldman: [Max and Jacob are watching TV when the dog passes gas] UGH! What are you feeding this dog?

Max Goldman: Hormel Chili.

Jacob Goldman: [grimacing] Whoo!

Max Goldman: He likes it.

Mama Ragetti: [has called for a silence in Italian] I know my Maria, she wants nothing to do with that man

[meaning John]

Mama Ragetti: .

Ariel Gustafson: Oh yeah, how would you know that?

Mama Ragetti: Because, she wants that man

[meaning Max]

Mama Ragetti: .

[Maria is frustrated with her mother as she leaves in her robe. Ariel forgives John for her false accusations about him cheating on her]

Maria: I look like a... slut!

Ariel Gustafson: But a very nice slut.

Grandpa: What's the matter, beautiful? You're meaner than a dog shitting tacks.