Armand: You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.
Albert: [discussing abortion] Oh, I know what you're going to say. "If you kill the mother, the fetus dies, too." But the fetus is going to be aborted anyway, so why not let it go down with the ship?
Armand: My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really shit.
Armand: What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.
Armand: Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.
Albert: You know, I used to feel that way too until I found out that Alexander the Great was a fag. Talk about gays in the military!
Katherine: You were so terrified, it was so sweet.
Armand: I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed!
Katherine: I paid the doorman twenty dollars - twenty dollars, in those days!
Armand: Oh, God. And I thought, "what the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."
Albert: Could you tell them I was a relative who dropped in? Val's Uncle? Uncle Al?
Armand: What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.
Albert: Oh, I could play it straight!
Armand: Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!
Albert: What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!
Armand: Albert, these people are right-wing conservatists. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, fuck 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!
Albert Goldman: "You look tired" means "you look old." And "you look rested" means "you've had collagen."
Albert: Oh Vallie, this is such a shock. I'm not saying anything, I promised your father, Mmm-mmm. But you're only twenty, and if you throw yourself away on some dormitory slut you'll be sorry for the rest of your life. There, enough said, no more, subject closed.
Albert: Oh yes, another jibe, another joke at my expense. You were probably laughing at me with Katherine, too. Well, why not? I'm not young, I'm not new, and everyone laughs at me. I'm quite aware of how ridiculous I am. I've been thinking that the only solution is to go where no one is ridiculous and everyone is equal. Goodbye, Armand.
Armand: What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman...
Club Patron: I've never danced with a man before.
Louise Keeley: [in female drag] There's always a first time.
Armand: So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it.
Armand: A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.
Senator Kevin Keeley: Louise, I'm the Vice President of the Coalition for Moral Order! My co-founder has just died in the bed of an underage black whore!
Albert: He blew a BUBBLE with his GUM while I was singing. He can't do that while I'm SINGING!
Albert: Oh yes... Coldeman. The "d" is silent in America. It's Cole D'Isle au Man, or Cole of the Isle of Man, in France, where Armand's chateau is, Cold-e-man in Greece where Armand's work is, and finally the vulgar Coleman in Florida where Armand's home is, so actually, we don't know where we are until we hear our last name pronounced! Ahahahahahahaaaaa!
Armand: Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast.
Armand: Shouldn't you be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs!
Armand: It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.
Louise Keeley: Who is this boy, Barbie? When was the last time you saw him?
Barbara Keeley: Please don't call me Barbie. This afternoon at two o'clock. We've been sleeping together for a year.
Senator Kevin Keeley: Oh God, has he been tested?
Louise Keeley: Oh, Kevin!
Barbara Keeley: Yes, and so have I.
Louise Keeley: If necessary, we'll get the Pope's blessing, it's not hard!
Albert: Here, let me help you lean on it.
Armand: I think I need a doctor.
Albert: Oh, don't be silly! It isn't even swollen!
Armand: [pulls away] Maybe we should go to an emergency room, you know, I can get an X-ray.
Albert: [grabs him] You're overreacting! Don't be such a baby!
Albert: Just sit down on the... AAAAAAAAHH! We've been robbed!
Agador: Good eve-e-ning. May I take jour purse as usual... or for the first tine?
Senator Kevin Keeley: Louise, people in this country aren't interested in details. They don't even trust details. The only thing they trust is headlines.
Albert: Armand Goldman, you old so-and-so! How 'bout those Dolphins! ... Screaming queen?
Agador: [in a scene after one in which he was dressed like Lucy] Armand, why don't you let me be in the show?
Armand: Fuck the shrimp!
Armand: Work it, own it, sell it!
Senator Kevin Keeley: [in drag] Don't leave me. Don't leave me here. I don't want to be the only girl not dancing!
Armand: How 'bout those dolphins, huh?
Val: Put your shoes on Agador, it's getting late.
Agador: [In what he thinks is a normal waiter's voice] Ah, but there's no point in my putting shoes on.
[blows out match]
Agador: I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.
Val: Just, put your shoes on, okay? And talk in your normal voice, and just... give me a break, okay?
Agador: [In real voice] Okay.
Senator Kevin Keeley: Oh, I got to fire this woman. Uh, Miss Porter, page two, second paragraph, it's "porno", not "pronto".
[on the phone]
Senator Kevin Keeley: Hello, Ben. Ready for what? WHAT?
Louise Keeley: What's the matter, Kevin?
Senator Kevin Keeley: Jackson's dead.
Louise Keeley: Oh my God!
Senator Kevin Keeley: He died in bed? Whose bed? A prostitute?
Louise Keeley: No!
Senator Kevin Keeley: A minor? And black?
Louise Keeley: What?
Senator Kevin Keeley: I don't believe this! I don't FUCKING believe this!
Albert: My mother always said, "Live on Fisher Island, get buried in Palm Beach. That way, you'll have the best of Florida."
Albert: Aaaaahhhhh! We've been robbed.
Armand: Take it! Take it all! What difference does it make if I say you can stay or if you say I can stay?
Albert: [Armand has entered from the kitchen to hear Albert finishing a story] ... and so they decided to find a cemetery they *really* loved instead of eating tofu!
Senator Kevin Keeley: She's a small town girl and he's a pretentious European. The worst kind. Him and his Cold' whatever... his decadent china. I've seen this all before. Aristotle Onassis was like this. And all of the French. Especially Mitterand. And the English. Not Margaret Thatcher, of course. But you can't tell me John Major doesn't have something on the side.
Val: [about his marriage] Is it all right, Dad?
Armand: Does it matter?
Val: Yes, of course it does. Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming.
Armand: I can't. And I won't. This is too crazy. You do this, you're on your own. You got that, sport? You don't come back here, you don't ask me for anything, I want nothing to do with it.
Val: Okay, if that's how you feel.
Armand: I do.
[picks up his jacket and holds out his hand]
Val: Goodbye, Pop.
Armand: Goodbye, son.
[They shake hands, and Val starts to turn away]
Armand: Oh, come here!
[pulls him into a hug]
Armand: You little pisher, you called my bluff!
Val: Yeah, but it was good, though.
Armand: Really? I thought I backed off on it a little.
Albert: When the schnecken beckons...
Senator Kevin Keeley: That's just what Rush Limbaugh said!
Senator Kevin Keeley: I feel like I'm insane.
Albert: [in reference to the dinner plates] Mine has a girl. Doesn't yours have a girl?
Val: I assure you, Mother is just following a train of thought to a logical, yet absurd conclusion... much in the same way Jonathan Swift did when he suggested the Irish feed their babies to the rich.
Louise Keeley: I like its... severity.
Val: I have something to tell you. But I don't want you to get how you get.
Armand: Oh, God...
Val: I'm getting married.
Val: I didn't want to tell you over the phone...
Val: It's a girl, I met her at school, she's wonderful...
[Armand drains his entire glass of wine in one sip]
Val: Uh... are you upset?
Armand: [nods] But let me tell you why.
Armand: First off, you're only twenty.
Val: Look, Pop, I know I'm young. But you've always said I was a very levelheaded guy, and I am. I have job offers, I know exactly what I want my future to be, and I have this incredible role model...
Armand: Oh, please.
Val: No, it's true. You know, I'm the only guy in my fraternity who doesn't come from a broken home.
Armand: Stop flattering me, it's cheap.
[singers are performing "We Are Family" on-stage]
Cyril: [backstage, into a telephone] Agador! Where is Starina? She goes on in 5 minutes!