Yzma: So, is everything ready for tonight?
Kronk: Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.
Yzma: Not the dinner. You know...
Kronk: Oh, right. The poison. The poison for Kuzco, the poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco, Kuzco's poison. That poison?
Yzma: Yes! That poison.
Kronk: Got you covered.
Yzma: Excellent. A few drops in his drink, and then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead before dessert.
Kronk: Which is a real shame, because it's gonna be delicious.
[plotting ways to kill Kuzco]
Yzma: Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives...
Yzma: ...I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say!
[knocks over bottle of poison on flower, which shrivels up and dies]
Yzma: Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this!
Waitress: Ordering. Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?
Kronk: Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast and change the bull to a gill, got it.
Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?
Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.
Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.
Yzma: I know. It's called a "cruel irony", like my dependence on you.
[after falling into the alligator pit]
Yzma: Why do we even *have* that lever?
[Yzma and Kuzco never see each other. When one exits, the other enters]
Yzma: Make me the special. And hold the gravy!
Kronk: Check. Pickup!
Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelette a meat pie.
Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
Yzma: Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.
Yzma: [annoyed] Ooh.
Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy?
Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
Kronk: Hold the cheese.
Yzma: No, I want the cheese.
Kronk: Cheese it is.
Kuzco: Cheese me no "likee."
Kronk: Cheese out.
Yzma: Cheese in!
Kronk: Ah, come on. Make up your mind!
Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought...
[after falling into the alligator pit]
Kuzco: Okay, why does she even *have* that lever?
[Kronk's Shoulder Angel and Devil debate saving Kuzco]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Listen up, big guy. I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one. Look at that guy! He's got that sissy stringy music thing.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Oh, right. That's a harp, and that's a dress.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Robe!
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Reason number two. Look what I can do. Ha-ha, ha!
[does one-armed handstand]
Kronk: But what does that have to do with anything?
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: No, no. He's got a point.
Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're sort of confusing me, so, uh, begone... or, uh, y'know, however I get rid of you guys.
[Angel and devil disappear]
[Having accidentally turned Kuzco into a Llama instead of having him assassinated as planned]
Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now!
Kronk: What about dinner?
Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.
Kronk: How about dessert?
Yzma: Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
Kronk: And coffee?
Yzma: All right. A quick cup of coffee. THEN TAKE HIM OUT OF TOWN AND FINISH THE JOB!
Yzma: Kronk! Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing! It's like I'm talking to a monkey.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Whoa now!
Yzma: A really, really big stupid monkey named Kronk!
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Ouch.
Yzma: And do you want to know something else? I've never liked your spinach puffs!
[Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Shoulder Devil all simultaneously gasp]
[Kronk begins to cry]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: That's it.
[cocks pitchfork like a gun]
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: She's goin' down.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Now, now, remember, guys. From above, the wicked shall receive their just reward.
[they look up at the chandelier which is illuminated with heavenly light while angelic music plays]
[Kronk cuts the rope to the chandelier, but it falls around Yzma, instead of on her]
Kronk: Strange. That usually works.
Yzma: And so does *this*!
[pulls lever for trap door]
Kronk: Ah. Should've seen that coming. Whoa!
Yzma: Are you talking to that squirrel?
Kronk: I was a junior chipmunk, uh, and I had to be versed in all the woodland creatures.
Kronk: Please continue.
[squirrel talks to Kronk]
Yzma: [walking away] Why me? Why me? Why me? Why...?
Kronk: Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy's had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time the other day.
[Yzma rushes over to them]
Yzma: Oh, a talking llama? Do tell.
[squirrel whispers to Kronk]
Kronk: Uh, he doesn't really wanna talk to you.
Yzma: Well, then *you* ask him.
Kronk: [sigh] Hate being in the middle.
Kronk: [speaking squirrel] Squeaky, uh, squeak, squeaker, squeakin'.
Kuzco: This is Yzma, the emperor's advisor. Living proof that dinosaurs once roamed the Earth.
Kuzco: Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
Yzma: Fired? W-W-What do you mean, "fired"?
[Kuzco snaps his finger and a servant comes in and writes down Yzma's "pink slip"]
Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? "You're being let go." "Your department's being downsized." "You're part of an outplacement." "We're going in a different direction." "We're not picking up your option." Take your pick. I got more.
Yzma: Looking for this?
Yzma: [holds up the vial of human extract]
[Kuzco and Pacha gasp]
Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?
Yzma: ...how *did* we, Kronk?
Kronk: Well, ya got me. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.
[Kronk holds up a map of the two parties' trails, showing Yzma's and Kronk's falling down a canyon halfway through]
Yzma: Oh, well.
Kuzco: You know, it's a good thing you're not a big, fat guy or this would be really difficult.
Tipo: [waking from a dream] Dad, look out!
ChiCha: Tipo, what is it?
Tipo: I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log and was careening out of control down a raging river of death!
ChiCha: It's all right, it's all right.
Tipo: It was awful!
ChiCha: It's okay, Tipo, calm down, it was just a dream. Your dad's fine. He just went back to see the emperor.
Tipo: Oh, you mean like you told him to, 'cause you're always right.
ChiCha: That's right.
Chaca: Well, in my dream, Dad had to kiss a llama.
Tipo: Yeah, like that would ever happen.
Chaca: It could!
[they keep exchanging "nuh-uh's" and "yeah-hah's" at lightning speed]
ChiCha: Good night, you two.
[resume bickering as ChiCha blows out the candle]
Kuzco: Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story. Well, actually, my story. That's right... I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco... Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I'll tell you what. You go back a ways, you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense.
[cut to Kuzco as an infant]
Kuzco: All right, now see. That's a little too far back. Ooh! Look at me! That's me as a baby.
[breaks doll and begins to cry, immediately a lot more dolls are shoved his way]
Kuzco: Ahem! All right, let's move ahead.
Kuzco: Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Oh! And you turned me into a llama!
Pacha: What? No, I did not.
Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me!
Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?
Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind, not me.
Kuzco: You're right. That's giving you way too much credit.
Yzma: That is the last time we take directions from a squirrel.
Kuzco: So, you lied to me.
Pacha: I did?
Kuzco: Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills and I did not hear any singing.
Kuzco: So, I'll be building my summer home on a more *magical* hill. Thank you.
Pacha: Heh. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?
Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it.
[puts the model of Pacha's house back on the hilltop]
Kuzco: Looks like you and your family are stuck on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.
[Kuzco and Pacha sit in silence]
Pacha: You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.
ChiCha: So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha?
Yzma: Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's wife's step-niece's great aunt. Twice removed.
Yzma: Isn't that right, Kronk?
[Kronk is playing jump rope with Chaca and Tipo]
Chaca: Ninety-nine monkeys jumping on the bed.
Kronk: One fell off and bumped his head.
Pacha: Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was some good in everyone, but, oh, you proved me wrong.
Kuzco: Oh, boo-hoo. Now I feel really bad. Bad llama.
Pacha: I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over.
Kuzco: Well, that makes you ugly *and* stupid.
Pacha: Let's end this.
Kuzco: Ladies first.
Kronk: My acorn is missing.
Junior Chipmunk Class: Squeak, squeakin', squeak, squeakity.
Kronk: Did you eat the acorn?
Junior Chipmunk Class: Squeaker, squeak, squeak, squeakin'?
Kronk: You owe me a new acorn.
Junior Chipmunk Class: Squeak squeak squeak, squeak, squeaker...
[one boy nudges Yzma]
Yzma Kitty: [sulky] Squeakin'.
Kronk: I'm so proud of you guys.
Kuzco: [voiceover] So this is where you came in. See, just like I said, I'm the victim here! I didn't do anything, and they ruined my life and took everything I had.
Kuzco: Hey, give it a rest up there, will ya?
Kuzco: [voiceover] What? I'm just telling them what happened.
Kuzco: Who are you kidding, pal? They saw the whole thing. They *know* what happened.
Kuzco: [voiceover] Well, yeah, but... but...
Kuzco: Leave me alone.
[Yzma is sleeping in a huge tent, while Kronk is in a tent so small it only covers his waist. Suddenly Kronk jerks awake]
Kronk: The peasant, at the diner!
Kronk: He didn't pay his check.
[falls back asleep, but then jerks back up]
Kronk: It's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco in the back of his cart. He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. Oh, yeah, it's all comin' together. Yzma!
[runs into her tent]
[Yzma sits up with cold cream on her face and cucumbers on her eyes]
Kronk: [recoiling] Aah!
Yzma: This had better be good!
Guard: For the last time, we did not order a giant trampoline.
Delivery Person: You know what, pal, you could have told me that before I set it up.
Kuzco: It's my birthday gift to me. I'm so happy.
Yzma: [about the potion they used on Kuzco] Let me see that vial.
[the Death Label was actually that of a Llama folded up slightly, causing confusion]
Yzma: This isn't poison. This is extract of... llama!
Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about relabeling some of them.
Kuzko: [after throwing a rock at Pacha's head, acting innocent] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't... Somebody's throwin' stuff. You gonna build a fire or what?
Yzma: Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.
Kronk: [nervously] Uh, do you need to hear all those words exactly?
Yzma: [angry] He's still *alive*?
Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped.
Kronk: Just thought I'd give you a heads-up in case Kuzco ever came back.
Yzma: He can't come back!
Kronk: Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy.
Yzma: You think? You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we're through. Now let's move!
Yzma: [Believing Kuzco is dead, telling the others in the palace] And so, it is with great sadness that we mourn the sudden departure of our beloved prince, taken from us so tragically on the very eve of his eighteenth birthday.
Kronk: [sobbing] Poor little guy.
Yzma: His legacy will live in our hearts...
Kronk: He never had a chance.
Yzma: ...for all eternity.
Yzma: Well, he ain't getting any deader! Back to work.
[the palace guards begin to change the palace theming from Kuzco to Yzma]
Pacha: What happened?
Old Man: Well, I threw off the Emperor's groove.
Old Man: His groove! The rhythm in which he lives his life. His pattern of behavior. I threw it off. And the Emperor had me thrown out the window.
Pacha: Oh, really? I'm supposed to see him today.
Old Man: Don't throw off his groove!
Pacha: Oh, okay.
Old Man: Bewaaare, the grooove.
Pacha: Hey, are you gonna be all right?
Old Man: Grooove...
[after getting hit in the head with a frying pan]
Kuzco: You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.
[Yzma and Kronk are trapped in a dark locked room in Pacha's house]
ChiCha: What do you mean the door's stuck? Try jiggling the handle.
Yzma: There is no handle in here.
ChiCha: [holding the door handle] There's not? Are you sure?
Yzma: All right, I've had enough of this. Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to the ground.
Kronk: Er, don't you mean or?
Yzma: [even more angrily] Err, tell us where the talking lhama is *or* we'll burn your house to the ground.
Chaca: Well, which is it? That sounds like a pretty crucial conjunction.
Pacha: Emperor Kuzco?
Kuzco: Yeah. Who did you think you were talking to?
Pacha: Um... How did... uh... you don't... *look* like the emperor.
Kuzco: What do you mean I don't look like the emperor?
Pacha: Um... do this.
Kuzco: What is this, some little game you country folk like to play?
[sees his hoofed hand, gasps]
Kuzco: It can't be! I...
[looks at his reflection in the water]
Kuzco: [Gasps] My face! My beautiful, beautiful face! I'm an ugly, stinky llama! Wah-hah-hah! Llama face!
ChiCha: So what did the emperor want?
Pacha: [Unable to explain that Emperor Kuzco was planning to destroy their village to make room for his Summer home, Kuzcotopia] Uh, you know what? He couldn't see me.
ChiCha: Couldn't see you? Why not?
Pacha: I don't know.
ChiCha: Well, that's just rude!
Pacha: Well, he is the emperor. I'm sure he's busy.
ChiCha: No no no no. Emperor or no Emperor, it's called common courtesy. If it were me, I'd march right back there and *demand* to see him. You know I would!
Pacha: Sweetie, sweetie, think of the baby.
ChiCha: Pacha, I'm fine. This baby's not coming out for a while, but even if it was, I'd give that guy a piece of my mind. That kind of behavior just, just...
ChiCha: I gotta go wash something.
Kuzco: And let's not forget Yzma's right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model is called Kronk.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You're not just gonna let him die like that, are you?
Kronk: My shoulder angel.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that *rocks*.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Oh, come off it.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: *You* come off it.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You.
Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You.
Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You infinity.
[Shoulder Angel grrs]
Kuzco: [about Kronk] Oh, he's doing his own theme music? Big, dumb and tone deaf. I am so glad I was unconscious for all of this.
Kuzko: Um, what's with the chimp and the bug? Can we get back to *me*?
[Film stops, Llama Kuzco appears on screen]
Kuzco: Uh, excuse me. Two seconds here. I'm the one in the cart, remember? This story is about me.
[Circles the bag on the cart where he is]
Kuzco: Not him.
[Crosses out Pacha]
Kuzco: Okay, we're clear? All right, we're gonna move ahead. Sorry to keep you waiting.
[Exits; returns to scribble over Pacha; realizes he's still on screen, chuckles, then leaves; film starts up again]
[the drink is poisoned]
Yzma: Kronk, the emperor needs his... drink!
Kronk: Right. Oh...
[winks at Yzma]
[goes to grab drink and realizes that he doesn't know which one it is; takes the drinks away to pour the poison again]
Kuzco: Hey, Kronky, everything okay back there?
Kronk: [mixing the drinks together before refilling all the cups] Oh, uh, the drinks were a bit on the, uh...
[small explosion from each of the cups]
Kronk: ...warm side. Hehe. Hey, did ya see that sky today? Talk about blue.
Yzma: Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast, to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!
Kronk: [to Yzma trying to make it sound like he's coughing] Don't drink the wine. Poison.
Kuzco: [walking back to his palace, alone, in the jungle] Scary jungle. Right.
[in mocking voice]
Kuzco: Oh, a leaf! Oh, it might attack me. Oh, it's a scary tree! I'm afraid. Please. Never find my way? I'm the Emperor, and as such, I'm born with an innate sense of direction. Okay, where am I?
[a fly buzzes nearby and gets caught in spiderweb]
Bug in jungle: Help me! Help me!
[Spider comes and eats the fly off-screen]
Bug in jungle: Too late...
Kuzco: Ok... that's the freakiest thing I've ever seen...
Kronk: Hey, don't I know you?
Pacha: I... I don't think so.
Kronk: Wrestled you in high school.
Pacha: I don't remember that, no.
Kronk: Metal shop? Oh, I know, Miss Nalca's interpretive dance, two semesters. I was usually in the back because of my weak ankles. C'mon, you gotta help me out here.
Pacha: Look, I don't think we've ever met, but... I gotta go.
Kronk: Don't worry, I'll think of it!
Yzma Kitty: [after successfully getting her paws on the potion to turn her back into a human before Kuzco] I win.
[Kronk suddenly opens up the nearby window nearby, slamming it onto Yzma, letting the potion fly into the hands of Pacha and Kuzco]
Kronk: What are the odds of that trap door leadin' me out here?
Townsman #1: Hey, Pacha, you just missed your relatives.
Pacha: My relatives?
Townsman #1: Yeah, we just sent them up to your house.
Pacha: What'd they look like?
Townsman #1: Well there was this big guy, and this older woman who was... well, how would you describe her?
Townsman #2: Ah, scary beyond all reason?
Townsman #1: Yeah, that's it.
ChiCha: As I said before, you may remember, Pacha is not here. I'll be sure to tell him you stopped by.
Yzma: Oh, would you please? That would be just great.
[knocks her cup on the floor]
Yzma: Oops. Silly me.
ChiCha: [annoyed] No no, allow me.
[very pregnant, tries to squat to pick up cup]
Yzma: [joins Kronk jumping rope] She's hiding something. When I give the word we search the house.
Kronk: Ok, but I still have 94 monkeys to go.
Kuzco: What is this guy babbling about? He's like the thing that wouldn't shut up.
ChiCha: I gotta go wash something.
Kronk: Woohoo. Faster, faster! Yzma, put your hands in the air!
Kronk: Oh, look. A golden-throated small-winged warbler. Just one more for exotic bird bingo. I am loving this.
[Pacha has gotten himself and Kuzco tied to a dead tree branch]
Kuzco: Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?
Pacha: No, no, no. It's... It's okay. This is all right. We can figure this out.
[the branch cracks]
Kuzco: I hate you.
Kronk: [trying to ease the awkward tension] Hey, d'you see that sky today? Talk about blue.
Kuzco: [Repeated Line] Boom, baby!
Kuzco: When will you learn that all my ideas are good ones?
Pacha: Well, that's funny. Because I thought that you going into the jungle by yourself, being chased by jaguars, lying to me to take you back to the palace were all really *bad* ideas.
Kuzco: Oh, yeah. Anything sounds bad when you say it with that attitude.
[Kuzco considers seven potential brides who all look remarkably alike]
Kuzco: Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality.
Pacha: [hanging off the bridge] Kuzco!
Pacha: Quick, pull me up!
Kuzco: No, I don't think I will.
Pacha: You're gonna leave me here?
Kuzco: Well, I was gonna have you imprisoned for life, but I kinda like this better.
Pacha: I thought you were a changed man.
Kuzco: Come on, I had to say *something* to get you to take me back to the palace.
Pacha: So all of it was a lie?
Kuzco: Well yeah. No, wait... Oh, yeah, it all was a lie. Toodles!
Yzma: Is there anything on this menu that is not swimming in gravy?
Theme Song Guy: He was born and raised to rule / No-one has ever been this cool / In a thousand years of aristocracy / An enigma and a mystery / In Mesoamerican history / The quintessence of perfection, that is he.
Kuzco: [as he turns into a Llama from the "drink" he just had] Hey, Kronk, can you top me off, pal, be a friend?
Kronk: [while falling down the stairs] Back! Elbow! Shoulder!
Kuzco: Boo-yah! Welcome to Kuzcotopia, my ultimate summer getaway, complete with water slide.
Kuzco: When I give the word, your little town thingy will be bye-bye. Bye-bye!
Kuzco: If you had done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little "kiss of life".
Kuzco: [to a Squirrel he finds in the Jungle] Hit the road, Bucky!
Kuzco: I am one hungry king of the world.
[after saving Kuzco from some jaguars while swinging on a vine]
Pacha: Don't worry your highness, I gotcha!
Kuzco: Hey, tiny. I wanna get out of this body. Wouldn't you? Now let's go.
Pacha: Build your summer house somewhere else.
Kuzco: You wanna run that by me again?
Pacha: I can't let you go back unless you change your mind and build your summer home somewhere else.
Kuzco: I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer.
[Pacha comes closer]
Kuzco: [loudly, in Pacha's ear] I don't make deals with peasants!