Kat Stratford: I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.
Cameron: Just 'cause you're beautiful, that doesn't mean that you can treat people like they don't matter.
Cameron: She never wanted me. She wanted Joey the whole time.
Patrick: Cameron, do you like the girl?
Patrick: Yeah, and is she worth all this trouble?
Cameron: Well, I thought she was, but you know, I...
Patrick: Well, she is or she isn't. See first of all, Joey is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Go for it.
Kat Stratford: I guess in this society, being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time.
Patrick: So what's your excuse?
Kat Stratford: For?
Patrick: Acting the way we do.
Kat Stratford: I don't like to do what people expect.Why should I live up to other people's expectations instead of my own?
Patrick: So you disappoint them from the start and then you're covered, right?
Kat Stratford: Something like that
Patrick: Then you screwed up!
Kat Stratford: How?
Patrick: You never disappointed me.
Patrick: It's not everyday you find a girl who'll flash someone to get you out of detention.
Walter Stratford: [Bianca and Chastity are sneaking past Bianca's father] Shoulda used the window!
Bianca: Hi Daddy!
Walter Stratford: Hi... where're we going?
Bianca: Well, if you must know... a small study group of friends.
Walter Stratford: Otherwise known as an orgy?
Chastity: Mr. Stratford, it's just a party!
Walter Stratford: And hell is just a sauna.
Patrick: What is it with this chick? She have beer-flavored nipples?
Walter Stratford: This morning, I delivered a set of twins to a fifteen-year-old girl, do you know what she said to me?
Bianca: "I'm a crack-whore who should have made my skeazy boyfriend wear a condom"?
Walter Stratford: Close, but no. She said, "I should have listened to my father".
Bianca: She did not.
Walter Stratford: Well, that's what she would have said if she wasn't so doped up!
Michael: The shit hath hitith the fan... ith.
Patrick: Ooh, see that, there. Who needs affection when I have blind hatred?
[after purposefully crashing into a car]
Kat Stratford: Whoops.
Kat Stratford: [drunk. Leans in close to Patrick] Hey... your eyes have a little green in them.
[Patrick smiles momentarily, then Kat vomits at his feet]
Kat Stratford: Romantic? Hemingway? He was an abusive, alcoholic misogynist who squandered half of his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers.
Walter Stratford: You know fathers don't like to admit it when their daughters are capable of running their own lives. It means we've become spectators. Bianca still let's me play a few innings - you've had me on the bench for years. When you go to Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to watch the game.
Kat Stratford: *When* I go?
Walter Stratford: Oh, boy. Don't tell me you changed your mind. I already sent 'em a check.
[Kat gasps in surprise, then hugs her father]
Mr. Morgan: I know how difficult it must be for you to overcome all those years of upper middle-class suburban oppression. Must be tough. But the next time you storm the PTA crusading for better... lunch meat, or whatever it is you white girls complain about, ask them WHY they can't buy a book written by a black man!
White Rastas: That's right mon!
Mr. Morgan: Don't even get me started on you two!
White Rastas: [Mumble to themselves]
Ms. Perky: So, I hear you were terrorizing Mr. Morgan's class... again.
Kat Stratford: Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action.
Ms. Perky: The way you expressed your opinion to Bobby Ridgeway? By the way, his testicle retrieval operation went quite well, in case you're interested.
Kat Stratford: I still maintain that he kicked himself in the balls.
[when asked if he'll date Katarina]
Wimpy Loser: Maybe if we were the last two people alive, and there were no sheep. Are there sheep?
[Mr. Stratford makes Bianca wear a pregnancy belly before leaving for a party, Patrick arrives and sees her]
Patrick: [to Kat] Who knocked up your sister?
Walter Stratford: I'm down, I've got the 411, and you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy, I don't care how dope his ride is. My momma didn't raise no foo'!
Cameron: Wow, is this what a bar looks like?
[reaches into a jar]
Michael: Don't touch anything! You may get hepatitis.
[they find Patrick drinking and smoking]
Patrick: So what have ya got for me?
Cameron: A little insight into a very complicated girl.
Michael: Excuse me, uh, just one question before we start. Should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?
Patrick: [confused] What?
Michael: Nothing. Nothing.
Cameron: Alright, uh, first thing, Kat hates smokers.
[slowly removes Patrick's cigarette]
Patrick: So, you're telling me I'm a... non-smoker.
Michael: Yes. Well, just for now.
Cameron: And, um, and here's another problem. Bianca said that Kat likes pretty guys.
Patrick: [looks confused and slowly rises] Are you telling me I'm not a pretty guy?
Michael: H-He's very pretty. He's a gorgeous guy.
Cameron: Yeah. I-I just wasn't sure. I didn't know.
Michael: [gives him two thumbs up] You're a gorgeous guy.
Cameron: [Patrick sits back down] Alright, uh, yeah, okay, here's this, uh... Likes: Thai food, feminist pros and angry girl music of the Indie Rock persuasion. Here's a list of the CDs that she has in her room.
Patrick: So, I'm supposed to buy her some noodles and a book and sit around listening to chicks who can't play their instruments, right?
Michael: Have you ever been to Club Skunk?
Cameron: Her favorite band's playing there tomorrow night.
Patrick: I can't be seen at Club Skunk. All right?
Cameron: But she'll be there, she's got tickets.
Michael: Hey listen, assail your ears for one night.
Cameron: She has a pair of black underwear, if that helps.
Michael: [laughing cooly] Couldn't hurt, right?
Mr. Chapin: You look pretty nervous.
kid in detention: Yes, sir.
Mr. Chapin: You're sweating like a pig.
kid in detention: Yes, sir.
Mr. Chapin: You're eyes are all... bloodshot.
kid in detention: Yes, sir.
Mr. Chapin: You've got pot, don't you?
[the kid pulls out a bag]
Mr. Chapin: I'm confiscating this.
[walks away and sees Cheetos on another students desk]
Mr. Chapin: This too.
Ms. Perky: Patrick Verona. I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual.
Patrick: Only so we can have these moments together. Should I, uh, hit the lights?
Ms. Perky: Oh, very clever, kangaroo boy. Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria?
Patrick: I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst.
Ms. Perky: Bratwurst? Aren't we the optimist? Next time, keep it in your pouch, okay? Scoot!
Cameron: I learned French for you!
Cameron: And I'm BACK IN THE GAME!
Patrick: See, first of all, Joey is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let anyone, ever, make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Go for it!
Walter Stratford: Do you know what happens at proms?
Bianca: Yes. We'll dance, we'll kiss, we'll come home. It's not quite the crisis situation you imagine.
Walter Stratford: Kissing? That's what you think happens? I've got news for you. Kissing isn't what keeps me up to my elbows in placenta all day long.
Bianca: Can we, for two seconds, ignore the fact that you're severely unhinged and discuss my need for a night of teenage normalcy?
Walter Stratford: What's normal? Those damn... Dawson's river kids sleeping in each other's beds and what not?
Bianca: Daddy that is so not...
Walter Stratford: I've got news for you. I'm down, I've got the 411, and you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy, I don't care how dope his ride is. Mamma didn't raise no fool.
Patrick: Leave it to you to use big words when you're smashed.
Kat Stratford: What is it, Asshole Day?
Patrick: You're gunna pay me to take out some chick?
Patrick: How much?
Joey: 20 bucks.
Joey: ...fine 30.
Patrick: Well, let's think about this... we go to the movies, that's 15 bucks. We get popcorn, that's 53. And she'll want raisonettes, alright? So, we're looking at 75 bucks.
Joey: This isn't a negotiation. Take it or leave it trailer park.
Patrick: 50 bucks and we got a deal, Fabio.
Michael: [about Bianca] What's there is a snotty little princess wearing a strategically planned sundress to make guys like us realize we can never touch her, and guys like, uh, Joey realize they want to. She, my friend, is what we will spend the rest of our lives not having, Put her in your "Spank Bank" and move on.
Cameron: No, no, no! You're wrong about her. I mean, you know, not about the spanking, but the rest, you're wrong!
Ms. Perky: Nine schools in ten years. My, my. Army brat?
Cameron: Yeah, my-my dad is, uh...
Ms. Perky: That's enough. I'm sure you won't find Padua any different than your old schools. Same little asswipe shit-for-brains everywhere.
Cameron: Excuse me? D-Did you just say... Am I in the right office?
Ms. Perky: Not any more you're not. I've got deviants to see and a novel to finish. Now scoot. Scoot!
[talking about the prom]
Kat Stratford: Can you even imagine? Who the hell would go to that antiquated mating-ritual?
Mandella: I would, but I don't have a date.
Kat Stratford: Do you really wanna get all dressed up, so some Drakkar Noir-wearing dexter with a boner can feel you up while you're forced to listen to a band that, by definition, blows?
Bogey Lowenstien: [the doorbell rings] That must be Nigel with the brie.
Bianca: You're asking me out? That's so cute! What's your name again?
Bianca: You don't buy black lingerie unless you want someone to see it.
Walter Stratford: You're 18, you don't know what you want. And you won't know what you want 'til you're 45, and even if you get it, you'll be too old to use it.
Kat Stratford: Remove head from sphincter, then drive!
Bianca: People expect me to be there!
Walter Stratford: Kat's not going, you're not going!
Bianca: Why can't you be normal?
Kat Stratford: Define normal.
Bianca: Bogey Lowenstein's party is normal.
Walter Stratford: What's a Bogey Lowenstein?
Kat Stratford: Bogey's party is just a lame excuse for all the idiots at our school to drink beer and rub up against each other in hopes of distracting themselves from the pathetic emptiness of their meaningless...
Walter Stratford: And I'll get to sleep at night. The deep slumber of a father whose daughters aren't out being impregnated.
Kat Stratford: [talking to Mr. Chapin in detention] Well, now that you've seen "the plan", I'm gonna go and show "the plan" to someone else.
Patrick: And I didn't sleep with a Spice Girl... I think.
Ms. Perky: [writing her novel] Undulating with desire, Adrian removes her red...
[breaks concentration, chooses another word]
Ms. Perky: crimson cape, at the site of Reginal's stiff and... Judith! What's another word for "engorged"?
Judith: [disgusted] I'll look it up.
Ms. Perky: Okay.
[thinking of word]
Ms. Perky: Swollen... Turgid...
Kat Stratford: [enters] Tumescent?
Ms. Perky: Perfect!
Kat Stratford: [to Patrick - after he asks her out for the first time] Do you even know my name screwboy?
Walter Stratford: What are the two house rules? Number One: No dating till you graduate. Number Two: No dating till you graduate.
Cameron: You embarrassed the girl. Sacrifice yourself on the altar of dignity and even the score.
Patrick: I was watching you out there, before. I've never seen you look so sexy.
Bianca: Has the fact that you're completely psycho managed to escape your attention?
Joey: [to Patrick after Kat backs into his car when he won't move it out her way] Watching that bitch violate my car doesn't count as a date.
Michael: I'm thinking of getting a Tercel. Yeah, that's a Toyota.
Kat Stratford: Have you seen the unwashed miscreants that go to that school?
Michael: I have a dick on my face, don't I?
Kat Stratford: Oh wait... was that... did your hairline just recede?
Kat Stratford: You're not as vile as I thought you were.