Meg Griffin: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet.
[Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down]
Peter Griffin: Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.
[Stewie and Brian in the mall]
Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks.
Brian Griffin: Five bucks.
Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I'll do it.
Brian Griffin: Fine.
[Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked]
Stewie Griffin: Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
[Stewie walks back to Brian naked]
Stewie Griffin: Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.
[Stewie starts counting the money]
Brian Griffin: Cold in here?
Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small.
Interviewer: [Peter is at a job interview] So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years?
Peter Griffin: [thinks] Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife...
Peter Griffin: Doin' your, er...
[sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son]
Peter Griffin: ... son?
[interviewer's shocked expression]
John Edward: [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: A 'B'?
Peter Griffin: No.
John Edward: C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
Peter Griffin: P! Peter! My name's Peter!
John Edward: Is your name Peter?
Peter Griffin: Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.
Jaws: Hey. I'm gonna eat 'cha. I'm gonna eat that hairy leg. I'm gonna eat that other one, too. I can see right up in them shorts. Got lots of rows of teeth to chew you with. Dun-na, Dun-na, Dun-na. Oh, I did eat a fat kid on a raft earlier. That's OK though, I have been swimming a lot.
[eats the swimmers]
Jaws: . Yummy.
James Woods: Oooh, a piece of candy.
Peter Griffin: Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
[Scooby-Doo theme plays]
TV Announcer: We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.
Fred Jones: Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.
Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
Scooby-Doo: [jumps on Shaggy's arms] Arroo!
Fred Jones: You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!
Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.
[Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]
Glen Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
Machine: You have 113 new messages
[Phone starts to beep]
Lois Griffin: Oh my!
Old Man: Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was.
Old Man: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back.
Old Man: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.
Old Man: Where are you?
Old Man: Ah, you're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.
Stewie Griffin: Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom.
Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter looks down in shame]
Peter Griffin: [trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up] It's the fabric, It's the fabric. Let's get your clothes off.
[takes off Cleveland's shirt and pants]
Cleveland: Peter, what is wrong with you? I'm naked.
Peter Griffin: Oh, god you're self-conscious
[Peter takes off his shirt and pants too]
Peter Griffin: See, now you're not alone.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.
[the audience cheered and applause]
Lois Griffin: Oh my god, they liked it?
[the audience throws Peter flowers]
Lois Griffin: Stop it! Stop clapping right now!
[the audience stopped cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin: What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged, they should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim's name is theater. This is the kind of mind-numbing shlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland. This isn't art, this isn't even entertainment. This... blows!
[the audience faced on Peter]
Peter Griffin: Um...
[starts to fart long]
Peter Griffin: [the audience laughs and gives him cheering and applause]
Lois Griffin: See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Lois, you are so full of...
[a representative from the FCC blows an air horn, drowning out Peter's final word]
Peter Griffin: What? I can't say
Peter Griffin: in my own
Peter Griffin: house!
Peter Griffin: great, Lois! Just
Peter Griffin: great! You know, you're lucky you're good at
Peter Griffin: my
Peter Griffin: or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about, when you
Peter Griffin: a lubed up
Peter Griffin: of toothpaste in my
Peter Griffin: while you
Peter Griffin: on a cherry
Peter Griffin: Episcopalian
Peter Griffin: extension cord
Peter Griffin: wetness
Peter Griffin: with a parking ticket. That is the best.
Peter Griffin: Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did.
Cleveland: I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on.
Joe Swanson: I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife.
[Quagmire and Cleveland drink]
Peter Griffin: I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom.
Peter Griffin: [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table] Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Joe Swanson: I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, God!
Peter Griffin: Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics.
Glen Quagmire: Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous!
Glen Quagmire: [he passes out]
Joe Swanson: Boy, he's out cold.
Peter Griffin: Let's write on him!
Brian Griffin: Well, if you want to be a hero right now it might be a good time.
Peter Griffin: Geez, Brian, this isn't what I was expecting, I thought being a hero would be all fun and games.
Peter Griffin: [cut to Peter with the Justice League] Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings. Now let's see your pair.
[Wonder Woman sighs, then removes her bustier]
Peter Griffin: [laughs] All right!
Peter Griffin: Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.
Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?
Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
Lois Griffin: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.
Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.
[Peter is visting Willy Wonka's chocolate factory]
Willy Wonka: I'll ask you one more time - are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?
[Peter has become a giant blueberry]
Peter Griffin: No.
Willy Wonka: I'm just asking...
Peter Griffin: What? Are you calling me a liar?
Willy Wonka: No, I'm just saying...
Peter Griffin: Hey, shut up, Wonka!
Glen Quagmire: Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!
Stewie Griffin: Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, that's right, I went there.
[cut to Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc]
Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.
Man: Good one Peter.
Man 2: That's what they're for all right.
Lady: Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.
Peter Griffin: All right, then you'll love this one, okay. Why do women have boobs?
[she stares at him angrily]
Peter Griffin: So you got something to look at while you're talking to them
[she's shocked, then Peter laughs]
Peter Griffin: So you got something you look at while you're talking to them
Peter Griffin: So you got - Y-you want to see me, Mr. Weed?
Darren (On Bewitiched): The power of Christ compels you, bitch!
Stewie Griffin: I don't need to $@%# impress you.
Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together.
Announcer: [for Homicide: Life on Sesame Street] This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H.
Bert: [answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.
[gets out of bed and gets dressed]
Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the *damn* bed.
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
[during the preview for the new action movie about Jesus]
TV Announcer: This July, let He who is without sin kick the first ass.
Stewie: [plucks a banjo] Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!
Herbert: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face?
Chris: It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something.
Herbert: Who needs them? You like Popsicles?
Chris: Well, sure.
Herbert: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles.
Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going.
Herbert: Don't make me beg now.
Chris: You're funny. Bye.
Herbert: Get your fat ass back here.
Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it's going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children... oh, GOD. That's awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain.
Stewie Griffin: [trying to get Brian's attention] Look, I'm writing profanity on the walls!
[Stewie has written "poppycock"]
Angry Man: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
Stewie Griffin: What did you just say?
Lois Griffin: Stewie, stop fussing.
Stewie Griffin: Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.
Stewie Griffin: [furiously kicks the seat in front of him] Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!
Glen Quagmire's Mom: Here now, have milk.
[shows Glen Quagmire her breasts]
Glen Quagmire: All right!
[starts sucking on her breast]
Guy on Street #2: It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?
Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2:15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here?
Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho.
Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".
[the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on]
Stewie Griffin: You. Cut my eggs.
[waiter cuts his eggs]
Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir.
Stewie Griffin: Now cut my milk.
Waiter: Uh, I can't sir, it's liquid.
Stewie Griffin: [slaps him] IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.
Lois Griffin: Chris where have you been?
Chris Griffin: Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.
Lois Griffin: Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.
Peter Griffin: [in a very sexy voice] Hello!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com.
Stewie Griffin: They're getting nude! I mustn't watch, it's not the proper thing to... Wow! I say, nice ones, Janine! And look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory! Heavens, it appears that my weewee has been stricken with rigor mortis!
Adam West: [after killing a Noid that ruined most of his pizza] Perhaps it was the Noid who should have avoided me.
Lois Griffin: Don't try to pawn this off on your sister! She's a good girl!
Chris Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time she strangled our other sister?
Lois Griffin: Oh, honey, we told you... that never happened. It was just a bad dream.
Chris Griffin: But I remember it so...
[Stewie's bath turns to blood]
Stewie Griffin: How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr. Bubble.
Stewie Griffin: [controlling a robot Peter] Blast, you vile woman!
Peter Griffin: Blast, you vile woman!
Stewie Griffin: Ugh, that'll never do... translator. You there, with the severe aesthetic deficiencies!
Peter Griffin: Hey, ugly!
Stewie Griffin: Excellent. Hahahahaha!
Peter Griffin: Sweet. Hehehehehe!
LaDonne: Hi, gorgeous man!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver?
LaDonne: Stewie, this is Jeremy!
Jeremy: Hey, little man!
[pats him on the head]
Jeremy: So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend!
Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at?
LaDonne: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed.
[picks him up]
Stewie Griffin: [takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away] Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tournee! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr. Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you?
Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!
Jesus: [talking about a gun] You know how to use one of these?
Chris Tucker: [takes out a joint] You know how to use one of these?
Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'm looking for some toilet training books.
Salesman: Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got less popular "Nobody Poops But You".
Peter Griffin: Huh... well... you see... we're Catholic so... uh...
Salesman: Oh, well then you want "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You".
Stewie Griffin: [after Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"] Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.
Peter Griffin: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be?
Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson.
Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy.
Glen Quagmire: [laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire."
Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire.
Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible.
Glen Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky.
Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.
Peter Griffin: At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.
Chris Griffin: God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert.
Joe Swanson: Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp?
Pawtucket Pat: Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.
[Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out]
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree.
Chumba Wumba #1: What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
Chumba Wumba #2: Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?
Chumba Wumba #3: What do you think of the one you call God?
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Isn't His absence slight-ly odd?
Chumba Wumba #4: Maybe He's forgotten you.
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse / They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue!
[the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory]
Joe Swanson: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!
Chumba Wumba #2: Gobbledy glue!
Brian Griffin: This was even stupider than that time that Peter locked his keys out of his car.
Peter Griffin: Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's enough.
Peter Griffin: Eats babies.
Stewie Griffin: Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama's skin's so soft...
Lois Griffin: Oh, aren't you affectionate tonight. Well,let me give you a kiss...
Stewie Griffin: Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses!
Brian Griffin: All right, that's enough!
[laves the table in disgust]
Lois Griffin: Stewie... did you unhook mommy's bra?
Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
Peter Griffin: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.
Francis Griffin: I don't want to be a bother.
Peter Griffin: It's no bother, is it Lois?
Lois Griffin: Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.
Francis Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
Peter Griffin: You hear that Lois? You love kids.
Peter Griffin: So if I walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it?
Ghost: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?
[Hanson has showed up, asking to use the phone]
Peter Griffin: Oh my god. It's the Children of the Corn.
Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen.
Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?
Chris Griffin: Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time.
Peter Griffin: I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art.
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to draw the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried sculpting.
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
Peter Griffin: Then I tried music.
Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
[Peter with Charles Manson and the Manson Family]
Peter Griffin: Guys. I got invited to Sharon Tate's house. Now you can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me.
Peter Griffin: [Peter enters Meg's classroom wearing a towel] Hey Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Diane's weight.
Brian Griffin: Well, Peter, if you pull a party out of your ass you better stand up.
Stewie Griffin: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.
Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Peter Griffin: I do... ya bastard.
God: Let me light that for you, honey.
[he points, lights lady's cigarette with lightning bolt]
God: Yeah, you like that? Magic Fingers...
[points again, lightning strikes lady, sets bar on fire]
God: Jesus Christ!
God: Get the Escalade! We're Outta Here!
Jim: What did you just call me?
Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name.
Jim: That is our word. You have no right to use it.
Huck Griffin: Hey hey hey, I'm cool, I'm cool, no problem!
Huck Griffin: So, could you pass me the oar, 'n-word Jim'?
Jim: Thank you.
Peter Griffin: Hey, where's my VCR?
Hillbilly #1: Dangit, Buck, it's my turn to use the sex box.
Hillbilly #2: It's *my* sex box. And her name is Sony.
Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate...
[Peter is watching this on TV]
Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?
[Quagmire is talking to a woman from New York]
Glen Quagmire: Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side.
Woman (in deep voice): Sure.
Glen Quagmire: Whoa. Transvestite, back off. Wait a minute... pre-op or post-op?
Glen Quagmire: Whoa. Transvestite, back off.
Disabled Man: [with electronic voice] A sphincter says what?
Joe Swanson: What?
Disabled Man: Ha ha ha ha. You stupid bastard.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know.
Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life.
Peter Griffin: [flashback] I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life.
[Lois slugs Peter, knocking him out - cut to nighttime]
Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.
Peter Griffin: Christmas is the time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living and we sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
Adam West: [after hearing Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing"] I love this song! And I love it more when amateurs sing the lyrics! But I hate baseball cards.
Stewie Griffin: [to Peter] When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless.
Peter Griffin: Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
Peter Griffin: [shouts] Rock lobster!
Stewie Griffin: [shouts] Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.
[Peter is watching a movie]
Brian Griffin: [walks into the room] What are you watching, Peter?
Peter Griffin: "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something...
[cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard]
Peter Griffin: Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it!
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: Okay?
Roman Guard: Okay...
Peter Griffin: All right.
Man: Say Phil, what do you say to Happy Hour after work?
Phil: I'd say looks like Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbours.
Phil: Come on, I'm buyin
Peter Griffin: [Peter writing a letter to Fox] If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin.
[White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson."]
Peter Griffin: [sometime later; answering the door] Craig T. Nelson!
Craig T. Nelson: Are you Peter Griffin?
Peter Griffin: Yeah.
Craig T. Nelson: [Hands him a pistol] Make it quick.
Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter Griffin: [singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this] Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me.
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter Griffin: [still singing] Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.
Stewie Griffin: Damn you! Damn the broccoli! Damn the Wright Brothers!
Stewie Griffin: [Picking up the phone] Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,
Stewie Griffin: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...
Glen Quagmire: The Griffins. Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. All right.
Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin: The Bradys?
Peter Griffin: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it.
[Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes]
Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin: No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.
[Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room]
Drug Buyer: You got the stuff?
Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money.
Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, for God's sake, there's only one way to put an end to this nuisance.
Stewie Griffin: HE'S WEARING A WIRE!
Drug Dealer: What? You son of a...
[gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect]
Peter Griffin: [clearing his throat] Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the north won the war.
Peter Griffin: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I am going to everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed, then I'm going to use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that's good parenting, right Bing Crosby?
Bing Crosby: That's right Peter, and if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of sweet Velency Oranges. They won't leave a bruise and it'll let 'em know who's boss, there's nooo doubt about it.
Peter Griffin: That... That doesn't sound right.
Bing Crosby: Are you givin' me lip boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack down on you, is that what you want?
[takes his belt off and whips Peter a few times]
Glen Quagmire: Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay.
Stewie Griffin: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
[Meg walks in on Quagmire with a hooker]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, Meg, you just bought me another three minutes. Giggidy giggidy giggidy.
[during a company sexual harassment training video]
Narrator: Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
Luke Skywalker: Okay I'll just make a quick incision here and we'll be all done, Mrs. Wilson.
Ben Kenobi: Luke, use the Force.
Luke Skywalker: Really? Because I was just gonna...
Ben Kenobi: Just use the Force.
Luke Skywalker: Okay!
[Luke's lightsaber floats above Mrs. Wilson and stabs her right through the eye. She starts screaming]
Luke Skywalker: Are you happy?
Ben Kenobi: I've never been happy.
Lois Griffin: Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church.
Meg, Chris: MOM!
Peter Griffin: OK, we can go... but you can't supersize.
Chris Griffin: Awwwwwwwwwww...
Peter Griffin: OK, you can supersize but no apple pie.
Meg Griffin: Oh, come on.
Peter Griffin: OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.
[Peter is talking in his sleep]
Peter Griffin: Oh, Jenny... ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don't stop... Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass.
Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here.
Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK.
[set turns into disco]
[upon learning that Meg is dating a nudist]
Lois Griffin: Now Meg, there's no need to get testes. I mean testy. Nuts. I mean crap.
[on buying a coffin... ]
Peter Griffin: I'll take it, but I won't pay a cent over $60.
Coffin Salesman: Sir that casket costs $1000.
Peter Griffin: 70 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: Huh?
Peter Griffin: 2000 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: That's twice what it costs.
Peter Griffin: [pauses] 40 bucks.
Coffin Salesman: What?
Brian: He... he doesn't know how to haggle.
Stewie Griffin: [looking in the fridge for a drink] Soda... purple stuff... Sunny D, all right!
[we see a flashback of Stewie with a normal, round head, jumping up and down on the bed]
Stewie: I can jump on the bed all I want. You're not my mother.
[Stewie hits his head on the ceiling, squashing it into its more familiar rugby-ball shape]
Brian Griffin: Oh my God, are you all right?
Stewie: Fine. Why do you ask?
Peter Griffin: Lois, I can't find my favorite pair of underwear.
Lois: Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots?
Peter Griffin: No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus so I let it rip in the vestibule after service and it sounded like Louie Armstrong.
Lois Griffin: Top drawer.
Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things", not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up".
Peter Griffin: Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry, but that is a really boring story. I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie.
[Flashback to Peter sitting at a drive-in, facing the wrong way]
Stewie: What the deuce?
[the Griffins watch "Happy Days"]
Richie: Mom, uh, I really like Potsy.
Mrs. Cunningham: Well, Potsy's a nice boy, dear. Why shouldn't you like him?
Richie: No, I mean... I *really* like Potsy.
Mr. Cunningham: We heard you the first time, son, you've got a homosexual attraction to Potsy.
[Peter's new car has an electronic navigator with a Yakov Smirnoff mode]
Yakov Smirnoff Voice: Turn left at fork in road. In Soviet Russia, road forks you.
Peter Griffin: Hey, what's your friend's name?
Al Gore: Dick Armey.
Peter Griffin: [laughs] No, seriously, what is it?
Al Gore: [beat] ... Dick Armey.
Peter Griffin: [bursts out laughing] Hey, Armey, what's your wife's name, Vagina Coastguard?
[continues to laugh]
Al Gore: [laughs] Oh, I just got that.
[Family is sitting at Table. After Apocalypse. Eating eggs on random pieces of metal]
Lois Griffin: It's Ok. Right before the Apocalypse, Peter bought a year's worth of food.
[Camera Goes to Peter. He's just finishing off the last of the food]
Lois Griffin: PETER. You just finished off a years supply of food.
Peter Griffin: What a waste. I'm still hungry.
[Peter drinks a glass of water and gets really bloated]
Peter Griffin: Everyone leave. I have to poop.
[Everyone looks at him]
Peter Griffin: NOW.
Stewie Griffin: It's not that I want to kill Lois... it's just that I don't want her to be alive any more.
Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh! Excluding that first "ha".
[a police officer pulls Peter over in his car]
Police Officer: License and reg... hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black?
Peter Griffin: Yes I am.
Police Officer: [into walkie-talkie] Report of a possible stolen vehicle.
Peter Griffin: But this is my car.
Police Officer: Suspect becoming beligerent.
Peter Griffin: Wha...
Police Officer: Officer down.
[Officer falls to ground, police cars surround Peter]
Joe Swanson: Peter, it's over.
Peter Griffin: Over? What are you talking about? What kind of talk is that? It's un-American. Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that DUI? No! Did he quit after he got busted for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit...
Joe Swanson: I get the message, Peter.
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Can bees think? A new study indicates that no, they cannot.
Glen Quagmire: HEY GET THE HELL OFF MY... well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass.
Meg Griffin: [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
Peter Griffin: Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.
[Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
Peter Griffin: [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
Brian Griffin: I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Stewie Griffin: [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?
Peter Griffin: Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse?
Peter Griffin: [singing] Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois.
Peter Griffin: Hewy Jambi.
Brian Griffin: [as Jambi the Genie] Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much.
Lois Griffin: Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity.
Peter Griffin: Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're acting ridiculous.
Peter Griffin: [everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen] You said the secret word!
Peter Griffin: That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again he was never meant to be funny.
Quagmire: [walks between two women] sorry, I didnt mean to come between you... or did I?
[Brian tries to distract an angry mob of rednecks]
Brian Griffin: Hey, look over there! It's a newly married inter-racial gay couple burning the American Flag!
Stewie Griffin: Do you want to go first?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, I'll go! Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're one to talk! You get a stiffy from Felicia Rashad /
Brian Griffin: Oh, one time!
[gets a sudden erection]
Stewie Griffin: I've a style flair / Just look at my hip hair
Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, that - that's quite a nice do there /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, thanks!
Brian Griffin: [imitating Triumph the Insult Comic Dog] For me to POOP on!
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: Oh, come on! You look like Charlie Brown!
Stewie Griffin: Oh, bite me, Snoopy!
Brian Griffin: 'Cause I love the strings of a classical score /
Stewie Griffin: And I like that singer who looks like a whore /
Brian Griffin: Ricky Martin?
Stewie Griffin: Love him!
Stewie Griffin: [in a Southern accent] Warm out today. Warm out yesterday. Even warmer today.
[strums up his banjo]
Stewie Griffin: [singing] Met her on my CB / Said her name was Mimi / Sounded like an angel come to Earth /
Banjo Chorus: Come to Earth /
Stewie Griffin: But when I finally meet her / Boy, you should've seen her / Twice as tall as me, three times the girth /
Banjo Chorus: Girth /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my fat baby loves to eat /
Banjo Chorus: Loves to eat /
Stewie Griffin: A big old Buddha belly, and her breasts swing past her feet /
Stewie Griffin: Oh, my fat baby loves to eat /
Banjo Chorus: Eat /
Stewie Griffin: My big ol' fatass baby loves to eat!
Stewie Griffin: [shouts] I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!
Lois Griffin: You all think Christmas just happens. You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky. Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So you can cook your own damn turkey. Wrap your own damn presents. And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!
Stewie Griffin: The life of the wife is ended by the knife.
Stewie Griffin: Voice control... Hi, I'm Chris.
Chris Griffin: Hi, I'm Chris.
Stewie Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat!
Chris Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat!
Stewie Griffin: [sings] If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?
Chris Griffin: Puttin' on the ritz!
Stewie Griffin: Not my bit, but funny still.
Peter Griffin: [Peter has taken a hose to the staircase and sprayed it with water] Hey, Brian, I made a waterslide with the stairs!
[goes down the stairs hitting bumps until he hurts himself, and starts crying like a little kid]
Brian Griffin: I'm not going to call the hospital because you wouldn't learn anything if I do.
Chris Griffin: Oh, my God, the Government's here! Run E.T.!
Stewie Griffin: The port is quite good.
Brian Griffin: Yes, quite good.
Chris Griffin: Indeed.
Peter Griffin: Most certainly.
Brian Griffin: What year is it?
Chris Griffin: '51.
Peter Griffin: Ah.
Stewie Griffin: Delectable.
Brian Griffin: Indeed.
Chris Griffin: Yes.
Peter Griffin: [Peter bursts into flames] Oh, dear.
Brian Griffin: What is it?
Peter Griffin: I spontaneously combusted.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I am sorry.
Peter Griffin: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
Stewie Griffin: Ah, very good then.
Chris Griffin: For the best.
Brian Griffin: Yes, indeed.
Stewie Griffin: Tsk-uh! Is it raining again?
Bonnie Swanson: Yeah, I don't want to bring a baby into the world with a man like him running around.
Peter Griffin: Ok, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years. Either have the baby or don't. Secondly, Quagmire's a good guy, he...
Bonnie Swanson: [Peter is attacked by the giant chicken and a five-minute fight ensues]
Crackle: Those freakin' elves, man. They just came out of the trees, they just came out of the trees!
Pop: You saved my ass back there, man.
Crackle: You saved mine.
Crackle: [as he lifts his beer in a toast] Here's to Snap!
Pop: [they clink glasses] To Snap!
Stewie Griffin: You know, it's dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. I say, let me get on your back.
[hops on Brian's back]
Brian Griffin: Oh, God!
Stewie Griffin: Strong with the force young Skywalker is.
Brian Griffin: I don't believe this.
Stewie Griffin: That is why you fail!
Brian Griffin: No, Peter. Martin Luther King.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Space: The Final Frontier?
Brian Griffin: That was Martin Landau.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in House Party?
Brian Griffin: That was Martin Lawrence.
Peter Griffin: What about the drink that you put on ice?
Brian Griffin: That's Martini And Rossi.
Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Apocalypse Now?
Brian Griffin: He was Mar... Mar... something.
Peter Griffin: *Wrong*! It was Tom Beringer. We were looking for Tom Beringer.
Brian Griffin: Well, thanks for having me on the show. I really enjoyed it.
Brian Griffin: [shouts] Wait a minute!
[live hurricane report]
Tom Tucker: And now to Ollie Williams, with our live hurricane report. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: It's rainin' sideways!
Tom Tucker: Don't you have an umbrella, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Had one!
Tom Tucker: Where is it?
Ollie Williams: Inside-out, five miles away!
Tom Tucker: Can we get you anything, Ollie?
Ollie Williams: Bring me some soup!
Tom Tucker: What kind?
Ollie Williams: Chunky!
Jasper: So! Do you like "Sex and the City"?
Brian Griffin: Yeah, it's an all right show.
Jasper: I wasn't talking about the show. Ooooh I'm nasty!
[makes a ship horn sound]
Jasper: Somebody ship me out to sea!
Peter Griffin: All right, I'll talk to him, Lois. But, uh, you know when my father wants something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant. You can kick and scream all you want, but it's gonna happen.
Stewie Griffin: You look like Snoopy and it makes me smile.
Peter Griffin: [Dancing to Axel F] Neh-neh neh neh neh-neh neh neh. Neh-neh neh neh neh-neh neh. Neh neh neh neh-neh neh and then another neh-neh neh neh-neh.
George: [a parody of "The Jetsons": George and Roy are on the dog walking treadmill, a cat appears, Roy chases him] Help!
[he falls again]
George: Stop this crazy thing!
[he falls again]
Joe Swanson: [siren wails] Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up!
Cleveland: Fooled you!
[all but Peter laugh]
Peter Griffin: Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this?
Joe Swanson: It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us?
Peter Griffin: Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic.
Joe Swanson: Oh, my God!
Glen Quagmire: Oh, man!
Peter Griffin: Fooled you!
Peter Griffin: Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
Stewie Griffin: [talking to a very old prostitute] So is there any tread left on the tires or at this point would it be more like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Smurf #1: Yo, Smurf, that party last night was freakin', Smurf!
Smurf #2: You bet your smurf it was!
Smurf #1: Hey, I saw you leaving with Smurfette.
Smurf #2: Yeah. Right when we left the party, she started smurfin' me.
Smurf #1: Shut the smurf up! Right in the smurfing parking lot?
Smurf #2: Oh, yeah.
Smurf #1: That's freakin' smurf!
Smurf #2: You betcha.
Smurf #1: Freakin' smurf.
Chris Griffin: Hey dad, you didn't tell us how we got our house back.
Man on TV: Hey! Hey! Get that
Man on TV: camera out of my face!
[smashes the glass of the camera]
Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?
Meg Griffin: Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls.
Peter Griffin: Do it again! Do it again!
[Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached]
Big Bird: Yeah? Well, what'd you want?
Meg Griffin: Uh...
Big Bird: You called me, right?
Meg Griffin: Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you.
Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh?
Peter Griffin: Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here.
Big Bird: I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke,
Big Bird: bitch.
[Chris and Meg are fighting over who should have the remote to the TV, and Chris steals Meg's hat and puts it in his pants]
Brian Griffin: Hey, aah... You two better settle down... Aah... Chris give Meg her hat...
Chris Griffin: I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul!
Brian Griffin: Ow!
Peter Griffin: Boo Lois, yeah beer!
[while eating a pancake]
Stewie Griffin: Oh. Mmm, yes. Oh, God, this is better than *sex*.
[looking at himself in a spoon]
Tom Tucker: I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.
[an extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock]
Boy: Daddy, what's that?
Father: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist.
Peter Griffin: I'm a man jackass.
[the Millennium Bug has just hit, causing planes to fall from the sky, nuclear bombs to detonate, etc]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap... Did anyone else feel that?
Peter Griffin: Nothing else has worked this far / So I wish upon a star / Wonderous shining speck of light / I need a Jew / Lois makes me take the rap / Cause our checkbook looks like crap / Since I can't give her a slap / I need a Jew / Where to find / A Baum or Steen or Stein / To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss... / Though by many they're abhorred / Hebrew people I've adored / I don't think they killed my Lord / I need a Jew.
Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
Peter Griffin: Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
[Peter makes a joke during a Christmas play]
Spectator #1: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something!
Spectator #2: Bob, there's nothing you can do.
Spectator #1: Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
Glen Quagmire: Fat chicks need lovin too, but they gotta pay.
Stewie Griffin: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
Peter Griffin: If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
Peter Griffin: Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?
Peter Griffin: I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.
Peter Griffin: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?
Spokesperson: What the hell is that?
Peter Griffin: Five seconds...
Spokesperson: Is that?
Peter Griffin: Four seconds...
Spokesperson: It smells like...
Peter Griffin: Three seconds...
Peter Griffin: CLEAN MY PEE.
[at a rehab center]
Peter Griffin: YEAH. I'm also addicted to boobies.
[during a fishing trip]
Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichÈs.
Kevin: Dad, the fish got away.
Joe Swanson: The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish's ass.
Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.
Peter Griffin: Ha ha ha ha! You just said "nuclear". It's "nukular", dummy, the "s" is silent!
Peter Griffin: I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
Fred: It looks like the killer gutted his victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped to body in the river.
Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
Fred: That's right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
Peter Griffin: Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
Mr. Fargas: Today, we are going to dissect... a clown. Well, it's no wonder this clown died. His lungs were filled with candy.
Stewie Griffin: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Lois Griffin: Chris, that's a terrible word. Nipple.
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word. Pussywillow.
Stewie Griffin: Damn the toilet. It's made slaves of you all. It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
Stewie Griffin: How deliciously evil. It's like something out of Stephen King.
Stephen King: Now for my 300th novel, a couple... uh...
[casts about desperately]
Stephen King: is attacked... by a giant... uh... lamp monster! Oooooooo!
Editor: You're not even trying anymore are you?
Editor: When can I have it?
[upon finding out the local bar has been turned into a British pub]
Peter Griffin: Holy crap. It's a gay bar.
Tom Tucker: This is Tom Tucker... 's evil twin Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. Ha ha ha! Now I'm going to go back inside my motel room where I'm going to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have another 45 minutes.
Peter Griffin: It's OK, Meg. Your mom is full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to take down an elephant.
Tom Tucker: I think I speak for everyone when I say, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
Peter Griffin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up.
Chris Griffin: Hey, mom, look at these bananas.
Peter Griffin: Why you smart little bastard.
Lois Griffin: Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, some women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and flavorful, and very very special.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for the platain section.
Stewie Griffin: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.
[a social worker is trying to take Stewie away because she believes the Griffin parents are unfit]
Lois Griffin: How dare you say that. This is a wonderful home for a child to live.
[a gunshot is heard from the roof]
Peter Griffin: Quagmire, you rat bastard. Come near my fence again and that'll be your head.
[Joe Swanson is in a fight with the Grinch]
Grinch: You think you have won, you think all is well. Well kiss my green ass, I'll see you in hell.
Lois Griffin: So how was your day?
Brian Griffin: My day? Un-freakin' believable. First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll, her doll for god's sake. Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for ya, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey, BAM, freakin' evaporated like a dingy stinkin' mudpuddle. One day you see your reflection in it and the next day it's a, it's a damn oil spot on your crack driveway, staring back at you, mocking at you, blah, blah, blah, knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was!
Peter Griffin: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.
Peter Griffin: Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing?
Chris Griffin: Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style!
Peter Griffin: Well... ehh... the important thing is you tried, son.
Stewie Griffin: [singing and pointing to rifle and crotch alternately] This is my rifle / This is my gun / This is for fighting / This is for fun!
[Peter has taken some politicians to a strip joint, where one of them has accidentally killed one of the strippers]
Peter Griffin: You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!
[while Peter is changing Stewie]
Stewie: No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhhhh. Take that.
Stewie Griffin: Blast I thought I had more time. Keeping people from having sex is more difficult than I thought. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. BA-ZING.
Peter Griffin: What do you expect me to do with all these great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that's what soap is for Lois.
[Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink]
Stewie Griffin: Careful! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.
Peter Griffin: Lois, the bar has been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, no-good, tea-sucking British bastards.
[on being the First Lady of "Petoria"]
Lois Griffin: I'll be just like Hillary Clinton, only you know, without the penis.
Guy in chicken costume: The world is gonna end at midnight tonight. Y2K.
Peter Griffin: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?
GPS System: Turn left at fork in road... in native Russia, road forks you.
Peter Griffin: [sighs] That got old real fast.
Peter Griffin: You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds. But you know... uh... I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?
[the Griffins are being relocated to the South]
Peter Griffin: The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?
Peter: To you she may be worth a million dollars. But to me she's worthless!
Peter Griffin: If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert.
Chris Griffin: I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg?
Meg Griffin: Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter...
[Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing]
Stewie Griffin: She needs to get laid big time!
Lois: It's like I always tell the kids: "Quitters never win" and "Don't trust Whitey".
[after Peter tells Lois an outlandish story]
Brian: Congratulations, Peter. You're the Spalding Gray of crap.
[Peter has gotten liposuction]
Stewie: My god, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed in on himself like a neutron star.
Pillsbury Doughboy: Nothing says "I Love You" quite like Pill...
[Lois starts to roll him flat with a rolling pin]
Pillsbury Doughboy: Hey! What the hell are you doing you crazy bitch!
Stewie: Look at him. He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?
Tom Tucker: We'll return with a report on the clitoris: Nature's Rubik's cube.
Tom Tucker: All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache?
Intern Interviewee: I guess so.
Tom Tucker: Question number two. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them?
Intern Interviewee: I don't know.
Tom Tucker: Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!
Congressman: Cigarettes killed my father... and raped my mother!
Stewie Griffin: Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Donnez-moi pancakes. Click-click-bloody click pancakes!
Peter Griffin: [as Tom Hanks from Castaway, talking to a ball with a face painted on it] Wilson! Wilson! Wilson! What are we gonna do now? Wilson!
Voigt: The name's Voigt, dumbass!
Disabled Man: [electronic voice] That was pathetic. Tell your wife to come over to my place if she wants a little boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom.
Salesman: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Now, I know you've been here all day, so if you'll just sign this contract without reading it I'll take your blank check, and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.
Stewie Griffin: You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take six months off my face.
Peter Griffin: Man, this is a great show. They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside 'em. Like this one guy, didn't know he was actually two midgets.
Peter Griffin: I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Ummm... you might have noticed my underwear has a hole in it. It's uh... you know, I... I don't see any reason to throw it out. The waist is still fine. You know, see. See, it's still real stretchy.
Bad Peter: Lie to her. It's okay to lie to women. They're not people like us.
Peter Griffin: Well, I don't know.
[Looks for Good Peter]
Peter Griffin: Hey, where's the other guy?
Good Peter: [Is stuck in traffic on a heaven highway] Come on, you bastard, I'm late for work!
[Spills coffee on his robe]
Good Peter: Oh oh oh, this is perfect.
Peter Griffin: Make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die.
[doorbell rings; Peter's boss, Mr. Weed, is coming over for dinner]
Peter Griffin: That must be him. Oh God! I hope that thing doesn't happen where I get nervous and can't control of the volume of my voice.
Mr. Jonathan Weed: Hello Peter. How are you?
Peter Griffin: [yelling] Fine!
Peter Griffin: [quietly] Please come in.
[looking into a woman's window with binoculars while she is undressing]
Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor.
Old Woman: Aw, look at you! I bet you're hungry.
Stewie Griffin: And I bet your lost your virginity to a mechanical bull. Now change me!
Peter Griffin: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.
Tom Tucker: [on the phone with his wife] Honey, I won't be home tonight. I have a hooker coming over. Well what about the pool man? He seems to like you.
[Adam West is trying to win a promotion for Pawtucket Pat's brewery, and is talking to a beer bottle]
Adam West: Now you listen to me, you long-necked bastard. Give me that silver scroll, and I'll make you Head of Sanitation for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweet-cake.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: I can't believe you ordered a pie for an appetizer!
Peter Griffin: It's okay, I'm gonna go to the John and fire one out in about five minutes. That should make room for dinner.
[after having sex]
Social Worker: Glen, honey. Can I ask you a question? What do you do for a living?
Quagmire: Heh! I got a question for you too. Why are you still here?
Glen Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.
Chris Griffin: [driving around with Quagmire, sees a woman walking] excuse me you dropped something... my jaw! hehe all right.
Chris Griffin: I'm so hungry I could ride a horse!... I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store I guess.
Stewie Griffin: [accidently rips off the tail of Brian's dead mother] Oh, relax. The old girl didn't have much to wag about these days, anyway.
Randy Savage: I must be in Quahog, cause all I see is a bunch of hicks!
Brian Griffin: [imitating Truman Capote] Audrey Hepburn not only looked like she didn't have Breakfast at Tiffany's, but that she hadn't eaten anything in a year! Oh, ho, ho. I'm such a bitch.
Doctor: Mayor West, I'm afraid you have lymphoma.
Adam West: Oh.
Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
Adam West: I see.
Doctor: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers.
Doctor: Well, that's just silly!
Adam West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.
Stewie Griffin: You didn't love me. It was my cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed. Go get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin-loving freak!
Peter Griffin: [singing to Lois] Lois, you can't spell Love without L-O, You can't spell is without I-S, you can't spell... silo without Lois.
Peter Griffin: All right, here's my one-man show, "Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye." Okay, act one.
Peter Griffin: I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like some tea? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Do you like to wear knickers? I do because I'm Winston Churchill.
Gun Safety Instructor: Remember, guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do.
Brian Griffin: Peter, being a hero is just being someone that somebody can look up to.
Peter Griffin: People have looked up to me... Remember that time I read to those kids at Sunday school.
Brian Griffin: Ah, when you forgot all the lyrics to the songs?
Peter Griffin: [flashback to church]
[Peter is singing a song to the kids]
Peter Griffin: Jesus really loves me./ He loves me a whole bunch./ That's why he puts Skippy in my lunch.
Peter Griffin: [slurring, drunk] This comedian sucks. He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off and he was the one makin' me do it. Come on, skinny, make me laugh!
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a microphone stand.
Peter Griffin: Oh, well, excuse me for thinkin' that a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.
[Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are forming a band]
Brian Griffin: You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots at a karaoke bar doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band.
Peter Griffin: Oh, Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're going to be awesome!
Brian Griffin: Wait, what am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I just - I'm ants at a picnic. All right, just making sure.
Peter Griffin: [is reading very loudly while intoxicated] Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain, you still live in exciting times.
[he sees a cop]
Peter Griffin: Aww, crap.
Police Officer: Sir, do you know how loud you were reading?
Peter Griffin: [hesitates, and tries to evade the cop, still reading] The-life-of-a-silver-smith's-apprentice-was-not-an-easy-one...
[crashes into a bookshelf]
Adam West: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found!
Joe Swanson: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads.
Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again.
[he hangs up the phone]
Adam West: I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We!
Stewie Griffin: [Stewie looks into the mirror after applying some lipstick to his face] Well, I say, look at you there. You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care where you get it becasue you have no self-respect and that gets you off, doesn't it?
Lois Griffin: All right, Stewie, hold on to these while mommy goes to get some apples.
[hands him plastic bags]
Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, how clever, Lois, to leave a child with a plastic bag that he can suffocate himself with. Well, I'm going to do it!
[tries to put it over his head but it doesn't fit]
Stewie Griffin: That's right I'm going to do it!
[tries putting it on the side of his head then climbing in it but it doesn't fit]
Stewie Griffin: Good Lord, Lois. Either I was a c-section or you're Wonder Woman.
Peter: Ah, Los Angeles! Everything's big, everything's grand, and they always say something witty right before the commercial break.
[Peter looks confused. Five beats, then CUT TO COMMERCIAL]
Lois Griffin: [Stewie has just seen his parents having sex] Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created...
Stewie Griffin: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out!
[Lois leaves, Brian enters]
Brian Griffin: Oh, God. You saw them together, didn't you?
Stewie Griffin: Ngg...
Brian Griffin: You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
Glen Quagmire: [Quagmire slowly peeks out at Meg's slumber party] Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is!
Meg: Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?
Lois Griffin: [referring to Peter] This from a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.
Stewie Griffin: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.
Peter Griffin: They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV and she looks like a foot.
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Watch me shave.
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: A story on conveniently-placed news stories in television shows. But first, Peter, watch out for that skateboard.
[Peter trips over a skateboard]
Peter Griffin: What if Kurt Cobain had quit?
[Flashback to Nirvana finishing a concert]
Kurt Cobain: Thank you! And remember, say "no" to drugs!
Agent: Great concert Kurt. The label's excited about your seventh album.
Kurt Cobain: Thanks. Oh you remember my wife, Courtney Love?
[Courtney Love looks down and grimaces]
Police Scanner: We have a gang shooting on Third and Main, three wounded one dead.
Brian Griffin: Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?
Peter Griffin: I have no son! Except for Stewie... and Meg!
Peter Griffin: Any problem caused by a tank can be solved by a tank.
Peter Griffin: Wow, it'll be just like that show "Big Brother", only with someone watching.
Carter Pewterschmiidt: Peter, I see you're still fatter than Holy Hell.
Peter Griffin: [a Past Generation of the friends is drinking in the Clam] To the Clam!
Glen Quagmire: To the Clam!
Joe Swanson: To the Clam!
Joe Swanson: And to mind-damaging STDs!
Glen Quagmire: I wake up with blood on my penis-pillow!
Peter Griffin: I'm going to die an old man in a chair, staring out to sea and going slowly insane!
PTSD 'Nam Vet: I've seen some things, man, and some stuff! I wouldn't recommend it!
Preacher: "Love thy neighbour as thyself". People ask me what that means. Can you believe it? Morons!
Peter Griffin: [naked and drunk at a wine tasting] Anyone seen that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me twenty bucks if I took off all of my clothes off.
Stewie Griffin: [Lois is away, trash is piling up] Peter! Peter! There's just so much doody! I just, I just can't fit any more in there! Help!
Chris Griffin: WAAAH! Ah, my Morning Scream...
Peter Griffin: Buttscratcher?
Woman on Tape: We're going to add...
[tape interrupts Lois]
Lois Griffin: Peter!
Peter Griffin: Ahh!
Lois Griffin: I know what you've been doing here, and I'm very upset with you.
Peter Griffin: Oh. Usually, beautiful women don't turn back into you until I'm finished.
Lois Griffin: These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me.
[starts taking a bathrobe off]
Peter Griffin: This is hot.
Lois Griffin: Turn around.
Peter Griffin: Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me!
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's okay.
Peter Griffin: Yeah?
Lois Griffin: I was trying to be sexy for you.
Peter Griffin: Oh, come here you.
[starts to rewind]
Lois Griffin: You should've told me.
Lois Griffin: You should've told me.
[Peter is watching a beer commercial]
Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you drink it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Good Peter: Hey sorry, man, am I late? What did I miss?
Peter Griffin: Thank God you're here. What do I do?
Bad Good Peter: Tell him to keep lying. He's in too deep.
Good Peter: Well, I don't know...
[Looks for good side]
Good Peter: Hey, where's the other guy?
Good Good Peter: [Is stuck on the same highway in his tiny car] Ah, this is unbelieveable!
Peter Griffin: Uh, hi. We're here to see the Dean.
Guardian of the College: Nobody can see the Dean! Not nobody, not no how!
Peter Griffin: This is even worse then when we went to see the "Vagina Monologues".
Talking Vagina: [on stage at a comedy club] You know I heard they're using Jeff Gillooly in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden... Jeff Gillooly.
Talking Vagina: Okay, that one wasn't so fresh, but you knoooow...
[Brian watches Nova]
Man on Nova: After years of study, I discovered the secret to longer life for canines, and that secret is...
Man on TV: We interrupt this program for several episodes of "One Day at a Time"
Ms. Romano: Damn it, Julie, I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how, and damn it Schneider, I ask you to fix that damn sink two days ago.
Schneider: Oh, I'll fix your sink Ms. Romano, and by "fix your sink" I mean I'll have sex with you, and by "I have sex with you" I mean I'll fix your sink. And by "sink" I mean your reproductive organ. And by, "reproductive organ" I mean the thing between your knee, and by "the thing between your knee"? I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory.
[Brian hollers, then he crashes on the couch passed out]
Brian Griffin: You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable talking about this amelodically.
Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her.
Stewie Griffin: So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin: Yes.
Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.
Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: You know what this means?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.
Meg Griffin: Mom!
Chris Griffin: Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin: That's it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin: Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin: Well now, I am getting us off TV.
Meg Griffin: I quit!
Lois Griffin: Hello?
Peter Griffin: Lois? I can't take out the garbage because they're keeping me late at the office.
Lois Griffin: Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact... I can see you.
Peter Griffin: Can you see me now?
Lois Griffin: No.
Peter Griffin: Okay, now I'm at the office.
Peter Griffin: If I'm a child, that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert.
Stewie Griffin: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
Tom Tucker: And the winning theme for the Harvest Day Parade float is... the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower.
Peter Griffin: [while peeing into a urinal] Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry, I'll put it out.
Stewie Griffin: Take it, dog.
Brian Griffin: We're quite a bit of partners just like Velma and Louise/Except you're not six feet tall/
Stewie Griffin: Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees.
Brian Griffin: Give it time
Brian Griffin: I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants/
Stewie Griffin: How dare you, at least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants.
Brian Griffin: Oh, pee jokes.
Brian Griffin: Crazy travel conditions huh?
Stewie Griffin: First class and no class.
Brian Griffin: Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique.
Brian Griffin: Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry/
Stewie Griffin: Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please!
Brian Griffin: We'd like to get some college girls and picnic on the grass/
Stewie Griffin: We'd tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass.
Brian Griffin: Yikes!
Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin: We certanly do get around/Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony/We're Rhode Island bound/Or like two groups of college freshmen who were rejected from Harvard and forced to go to Brown/We're Rhode Iiiiislaaaaand bouuuuuuuund.
Peter Griffin: I didn't give those porn magazines to the kids. The truth is Lois. Lois, Lois, Lois, Ah! Oh, crap. The truth is I love my wife Lois very much. I gave those porn mags to my son. I wanted to teach him about treating women as objects. If anything I don't deserve your respect.
Trica Takanowa: Mr Griffin, does this mean that you're not only a bad husband and father but you're a bad school board president?
Reporter #2: Will you resign over this?
Peter Griffin: Yes, no and screw it, I resign.
Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie.
[cuts to Ollie]
Ollie Williams: He gonna get it!
Brian Griffin: [appalled by the students being stupid] Nobody can be this stupid, not even Peter when he took that blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company!
Peter Griffin: [cutaway to Peter ending the kitchen dressed as 'Larry'] Jack, there's a hot-tub party across the street and we're invited!
Brian Griffin: What are you talking about?
Stewie Griffin: The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!
Stewie Griffin: If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm?
Brian Griffin: I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: What?
Brian Griffin: I said, I'm not going to change you.
Stewie Griffin: You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did!
[Peter and his friends have formed a rock band and are performing at a prison]
Peter Griffin: [shouting into microphone] Hello, Cleveland!
Cleveland: Hello, Peter.
Quagmire: [clapping drum sticks together] One, two, three, *four*!
Peter Griffin: [small amount of time passes] Oh, my God. We don't know any songs.
[prisoners get mad]
Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here?
Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make piece with her.
Stewie Griffin: So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way?
Brian Griffin: Yes.
Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk.
Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah.
Stewie Griffin: You know what this means?
Brian Griffin: Yeah.
Mr. Rogers: Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again.
Mr. Rogers: Oh! I think I hear a friend traveling.
Stewie Griffin: Actually it's your mortal enemy Stewie.
Mr. Rogers: W-what the?
Stewie Griffin: I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today Mr. Rogers, I dare say you find it quite in ruins.
Mr. Rogers: What?
[Mr. Rogers looks out and all are dead and the cat is on fire]
Cat: [meowing] Skin graft!
Mr. Rogers: Oh, my God!
Stewie Griffin: That's right! All dead. And now Mr. Rogers ? Fred - may as well drop blood formalities - I'm going to kill you anyway!
Mr. Rogers: No, please... don't!
Stewie Griffin: How ironic ? Rogers - it almost rhymes with... eliminate.
Mr. Rogers: No!
[Stewie shoots him many times with his gun]
Stewie Griffin: [wakes up] Eh, what, what? What the devil?
Lois Griffin: It's okay. Stewie we're just tucking you to sleep.
Mr. Rogers: But now it's time for you to meet Mr. Death.
Stewie Griffin: [wakes up from nightmare] Ahh!
[the Jetsons parody]
Jane: Oh my God. George.
George: [after being on the dog walker] Did you not hear me out there?
Elroy: Yeah, you...
George: Go to your room, Elroy.
George: [shouts] Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken.
Jane: I'm sorry.
George: Oh, ?I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry?, I could've been killed.
[Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor]
Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?
Bob Ross: All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don't you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that'll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there I will come to your house and I will cut you.
[trying to get a Scout Merit Badge]
Chris Griffin: Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything
Peter Griffin: Well, we almost got that one for insect study.
[cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat]
Peter Griffin: Look Chris, it's a whole family of WASPs.
Rich Father: My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.
Rich Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
Rich Father: [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?
Peter Griffin: You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat?
Peter Griffin: [cut to previous scene] A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those!
Lois Griffin: [cut back to present scene] Peter, that happened ten minutes ago.
[Quagmire tries to hit on some women at a lesbian bar]
Glen Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?
[at a job interview]
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?
Peter Griffin: [thinking to himself "Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife."] Doing your, uh, son...
Chris Griffin: Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
[Brian and Chris try to sneak into a fair by wearing a horse suit]
Ticket Seller: Wait a minute... your ass just sneezed. And horses can't talk. No, no... nothing here adds up at all.
Peter Griffin: [singing] Lois makes me take the rap/'Cause our check book looks like crap/Since I can't give her a slap/I need a Jew.
[showing his crotch to Peter]
Glen Quagmire: Does this look like a Q to you?
Peter Griffin: Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."
Diet Institute Worker: Sir, you can't park your van in here.
Peter Griffin: Hey, that's my kid.
Diet Institute Worker: Oh sorry.
Diet Institute Worker: Hey, don't worry, it's just a really fat kid.
Stewie Griffin: For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny.
Army Captain: [while trying to take over Peteoria] As you may presently yourself be fully made aware of, my grammar sucks.
Peter Griffin: We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party.
Meg Griffin: But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time.
Lois Griffin: Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic.
[Flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodastant whore]
[Charles Lindbugh has just accidentally flushed his baby down the toilet while potty training]
Charles Lindburgh: OK, don't panic. He was kidnapped. You go phone the police, I'll write the note.
Mrs. Lindburgh: [pointing at Amelia Earhart] But what about Amelia? She saw everything.
Charles Lindburgh: You leave her to me...
Stewie Griffin: Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said, "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
Glen Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8... and home by 11.
Cleveland: Oh Quagmire, you are what the Spanish call, "El Terrible".
[Peter has just been offered a directing job, and has a daydream where, as a Hollywood big-shot, he falls off the balcony of his clifftop mansion, loses his robe, and crashes naked through the roof of the house of a Mexican family]
Mexican Husband: øQuiÈn es esto?
[Who is this?]
Mexican Wife: ...l es la respuesta a mis oraciones.
[He is the answer to my prayers]
Mexican Husband: øPor quÈ?
Peter Griffin: I love Mexicans! I'll do it!
Bad Cockroach: Man, I'm going to cut you up so bad, that you... you gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES!
Lois Griffin: [oblivious] Oh, you want you toy back. Here yo go.
[Gives Stewie his Ray-Gun toy]
Stewie Griffin: Yes... well... VICTORY IS MINE!
[he runs off - the sound of the grenades exploding is heard]
Stewie Griffin: BLAST!
Peter Griffin: [giving a speech running for school board] This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
Stewie Griffin: [Brian is reading the newspaper] Look where my hand is. I say, look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place.
Stewie Griffin: [Brian puts the paper down, Stewie's finger is in his nose] Does this not disgust you?
Brian Griffin: Kid, you're talking a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
[Stewie reads a card and discovers his name written inside as the sender]
Stewie Griffin: Did you forge my name? How dare you. Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight.
Gene Simmons: Someone kidnapped Santa? That does not rock.
[Peter has plastic surgery]
Brian Griffin: Hey, pal, you just can't walk in here, and, holy crap, it's Peter.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.
Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans.
Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids?
Stewie Griffin: OOH. OOH. ME. ME.
Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1?
Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.
Judge: I find you guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail. HA. Now YOU got burned... No bail.
[looking around at a posh rehab clinic]
Peter Griffin: This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.
[at Peter's imaginary version of Cheesy Charlie's]
Kid: I have 13 tickets, is that enough?
Clerk: I'm sorry, Timmy. You need 15 tickets to live.
[watching The Brady Bunch]
Dad: Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.
[Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse]
Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I'll cut her!
[realizes he's holding a tongue depresser]
Stewie Griffin: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.
[Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery]
Peter Griffin: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.
Glen Quagmire: Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.
Stewie Griffin: Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.
Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col. Schwartz.
Peter Griffin: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
Lois Griffin: Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations.
Peter Griffin: Oh, that's so cute! You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid, like buy that time-share or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn.
Lois Griffin: You taped over our wedding video?
Peter Griffin: Just the boring stuff.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."
Stewie Griffin: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
[watching a baseball game]
Stewie Griffin: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.
Pablo: Santa can't be Asian. He doesn't drive 20 miles an hour under the speed limit with his blinker on!
Meg Griffin: Can you please teach me how to drive?
Brian Griffin: Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter.
Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.
Brian Griffin: Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest.
Roadrunner: Meep Meep.
[Peter's car runs over him]
Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Did I just hit that ostrich?
Wile E. Coyote: No.
Peter Griffin: Are you sure?
Wile E. Coyote: Yeah. Keep going.
Stewie Griffin: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.
Brian Griffin: Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space.
Dad: We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry peadophile with you.
Stewie Griffin: I love God. He's so deliciously evil.
Peter Griffin: [to youth cult] Hey guys, you want to come to my son's first birthday party?
[They all drink a toast to Peter's idea with a poison-laced punch, then all collapse simultaneously]
Peter Griffin: I guess that's just more people who would rather fake their own deaths than go to a party with you, Meg.
Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich.
Stewie Griffin: Enjoy your studio apartment.
Brian Griffin: You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?
Chris Griffin: It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet.
Peter Griffin: We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.
[Family is talking about Peter's Drinking problem]
Brian Griffin: And remember the time when you had an Irish Coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia"?
[Shows them in a movie theater]
Peter Griffin: Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big". Tom Hanks Everything he says is a Riot.
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
[Peter starts laughing uncontrollably]
Chris Griffin: Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not mention poo. Oh god! What have I done?
Brian Griffin: Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes.
[Flash Back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns]
Peter Griffin: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe.
[Apes cock shotguns]
Peter Griffin: And this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.
Stewie: Hidden missile behind the Great Wall? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.
Judge: Mr. Griffin, we have undisputable evidence that not only were you never not in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you were never even in the same state. What do you have to say for yourself?
Peter Griffin: Babba booey, babba booey, Howard Stern's penis, Babba booey, babba booey.
[Family is trying to hide from mobsters]
Peter Griffin: Don't worry, I got it all worked out. We'll move to England, huh? Worst they got there is, you know, drive-by... arguments...
[Meanwhile, in England]
Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth?
Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay it is.
Englishman: Oh, let's get him.
[They drive up]
Englishman: Oh Reginald... I disagree.
[to Stewie, at Christmastime]
Chris Griffin: Here, it's a candy cane. But don't stick it up your nose, it burns like hell.
[a parody of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]
Pawtucket Pat: Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation.
Englishman #1: I say, you know what's really funny? A man dressed in women's clothing.
Englishman #2: Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh.
Stewie Griffin: [to his grandmother] I smell death on you.
Stewie Griffin: [to a masseuse] Sh, sh, sh, no conversation.
Stewie Griffin: OK, Rupert, what do you think of our Mad Lib?
Stewie Griffin: [reading] Cinderella had two step-'watermelons', who were very 'smelly' to her. So her fair god'toilet' turned her pumpkin into a big 'fanny', and sent her off to the 'poop'.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, how ruthlessly absurd.
Stewie Griffin: She packed my bags. Last night preflight. Zero hour 9am
Stewie Griffin: and I'm gonna be... high... as a kite by then.
[transparent Stewie clone #1]
Stewie Griffin: And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh No no! I'm a rocket man. Rocket man! Burnin out his fuse out here, Alone!
[Transparent stewie clone #2 bow tie undone]
Stewie Griffin: And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me down again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh no no no! I'm a rock it man. Rocket man! burnin out his fuse out here. Alone!
Peter Griffin: They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.
[Peter and Chris are dressed in grass skirts]
Peter Griffin: [slapping Chris] No, no, no. It's "step, pivot, step, pause". Are you TRYING to piss off the volcano god?
[Peter saw Lois in a coffee shop talking with her old college boyfriend]
Peter Griffin: I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.
Cleveland: That tickles me in a way where, if Loretta were to tickle me that way, I'd say, "Oh... yeah, that's it... that's the spot."
["Hollywood Squares" parody]
Contestant: I'll take the dying boy to block.
Tom Bergeron: Ok, Jeremy... is there anything lower than absolute zero?
Jeremy: Uhh, yeah... my white cell count.
Toy Designer: I've just finished the new line of G.I. Jew toys.
[he pushes a button on the G.I. Jew action figure]
G.I. Jew: You call these bagels?
Toy Designer: Whoa, I'm glad he's on our side.
Brian: Hey, if every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the Superbowl, no one would be married.
Brian Griffin: Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family.
Peter Griffin: No, the rest were FROM the family... weren't they? Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian Griffin: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter Griffin: Why wasn't I told?
Brian Griffin: They sent you a card, but it said 'For Peter' on it, so you must have thought it was FROM you, so you didn't uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.
[hitting on a girl waiting in line for a roller coaster]
Glen Quagmire: Hello there. You must be *this* beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
Brian Griffin: I've been to New York. It's like Prague sans the whimsy.
[Stewie is sitting in between Meg and Peter dressed like a prostitute]
Stewie: [to Meg] It's eerie, isn't it. Like looking into the future.
Stewie: Mark my words, your uppance shall come.
Meg Griffin: How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight.
Lois Griffin: Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time.
Stewie Griffin: Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers.
Stewie Griffin: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
Peter Griffin: Oh, boy! I remember my first job. I was in a folk music trio.
[cuts to a room in the 1970s, Peter is sitting with Art Garfunkel and Paul Simon]
Peter Griffin: Hey, how about "Here's to You, Mrs. Fleckenstein"?
Paul Simon: Yeah, you've been pitching that for an hour. It's just not a very attractive name.
Peter Griffin: [petulant] Oh, fine, fine. I guess were also not going with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Lowery's Seasoning Salt."
Peter Griffin: That's it, I'm going to 'Nam.
[after Stewie gets taken into an ethnically diverse foster family]
Indian boy: Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban?
Stewie: Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country.
Indian boy: Yee, would your people really do this?
Stewie: Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who in turn sells them to Ura's people so that they can ethnically clense the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other!
[Children start crying]
[Peter is watching a pornographic video]
Woman on Tape: How about some whipped cream...
Peter Griffin: Ohh! That's always good.
Woman on Tape: ...and some cinnamon.
Peter Griffin: Ohh! Oh, that's good too.
Woman on Tape: And then guess what? I'm going to add...
Peter Griffin: Ah, Jeez! If she says "Mrs. Dash" I'm going to lose it.
[in a turtle-shaped pool float]
Stewie: My God, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle - nature's "D" student?
Gay Dog: Hey! You guys got any cheese doodles?
Gay Dog: See, that's what I do, I ask for a snack, and then I blow the horn.
Chris Griffin: If I had a hole in my neck, I'd put pennies in it!
Stewie: [talking over speaker] Welcome Man in White, I've been expecting you.
Cult Leader: W-who said that? Who's there?
Stewie: Peek-a-Boo, I see you!
[Man in White walks to the closet]
Stewie: You're getting warmer...
[Man in White opens closet door to discover a walkie talkie]
Cult Leader: Where are you? What do you want?
Stewie: Freedom! What do you want?
Cult Leader: I wanna get the hell out of here!
Stewie: Oh, I'm sorry, we're fresh out of that, all we have left is untimely death!
[Stewie appears with a laser gun in his hand]
Cult Leader: What the hell is this?
Stewie: It's a boy.
[Stewie fires at Man in White]
[Brian is working as a guide dog and has taken a blind man to see "The Blair Witch Project"]
Brian: Okay, they're - they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh... I think they're looking for some witch or something; I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.
[Brian Singing to Stewie]
Brian Griffin: I'll bet money / You'll marry a honey / Who's pretty and funny / And her name will be Ted.
Peter Griffin: Quiet, sweetie. Men are talking.
Susan Sarandon: I'm Susan Sarandon. You might know me as Tim Robbins' mother...
Susan Sarandon: ... but actually I'm his girlfriend.
Lois Griffin: Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date.
Peter Griffin: Oh sorry, honey, I must have lost track of the time. But what do you say, eh? 'Think the guys will like it?
Lois Griffin: This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record.
[waiting in line for bathroom after drinking prune smoothie]
Peter Griffin: Hooold it... hooooold it...
[Stewie taunts a girl who has fallen down a well]
Stewie Griffin: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Peter Griffin: [Peter's letter to Fox about "Coach", hyphens around the sections that get deleted by TippEx] if you don't put 'coach' back on the air i'll -be really upset. the s- kill -ful acting of- craig t. nelson -will be missed a lot- signed peter griffin
Rising Stars Instructor: Look, it's your first marquee!
[the sign reads "Simon & Garfunkel" followed by "Olivia & Stewie"]
Olivia: It's pretty cool, huh?
Stewie Griffin: The marquee or the other thing?
Olivia: What other thing?
Stewie Griffin: You know- the sex... with Simon. I mean, why else would your name be first?
Olivia: Well, it makes sense ya know. Lead with strength, put your BEST foot forward.
Stewie Griffin: So the sex was good?
Peter Griffin: Brian, tape this for me.
Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football.
[Flashback: FBI Agents burst in just as Peter is about to tape]
FBI Agent: Do you have the expressed written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League?
Peter Griffin: Just ABC.
[FBI Agents blow the VCR to bits]
Meg Griffin: [Her sleeping pills have been switched for Alka-Seltzers] People are gonna miss me when I'm BUUUUUURP!
Stewie Griffin: Good Lord!
Doctor: A child incapable of behaving to the satisfaction of a teacher? I've heard of this, but I never thought I'd see it in my lifetime...
Peter Griffin: [drunk, to male coworker] Why don't you look me in the eye when we make love?
Peter Griffin: Holy crap!
Lois Griffin: Peeetah!
Stewie Griffin: I was making radio shows for fun! Everybody does it! Well, everybody I know. Shut up!
Peter Griffin: Okay, Doc, let's give her some pills to switch that mouth off, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.
Stewie Griffin: [Madlibs] Oh, how ruthlessly absurd!
Peter Griffin: [bringing Stewie back from the Maternity Ward] Okay, little guy, it's down to you! Save. This. Family.
Peter Griffin: [on Bill Cosby] I was so busy not seeing color that I didn't see all the raping.
Brian Griffin: [Heaven] Look at us! Who'd have thought I'd ever be hanging out with Hemmingway, Van Gogh and Cobain! How'd you all end up here?
Ernest Hemmingway: Well, I collapsed under the weight of my own genius, and so I shot myself.
Kurt Cobain: I didn't want my music to become part of some Corporate Mechanism, so I shot myself.
Vincent Van Gogh: I couldn't reconcile the beauty of the World with the way people around me were living, so I shot myself.
Brian Griffin: ...I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.
Zuzu: Teacher says, when a bell rings a straight guy has to pretend to be gay to get out of a marriage.
George Bailey: Yeah, we're taking you out of that school...
Stewie Griffin: [to bully] I've worked out why you do this, from some deep inner pain, so I thought what would help IS SOME OUTER PAIN!
Greased-Up Deaf Guy: Yes, I'm Greased-Up and, yes, I'm Deaf, but what else am I?
Albino: The Moon is my Sun. I like to kill beetles. Beetles are Teachers.