[Big Momma finds Ben and Sadie in her bed]

Big Momma: You two? In my bed? Oh, hell no!

Ben: Hattie Mae, I can explain.

Big Momma: Explain it to the fattier end of my baseball bat.

Sherry: [jumping into bed beside "Big Momma" during the storm] I remember how it used to storm like this when I was a little girl. You would wrap your arms around me, and it felt like nothing in the world could ever hurt me.

Malcolm Turner: [wrapping his arms around Sherry] It feels so damn good.

Sherry: [feeling a jab in her back from Malcolm's "arousal"] Big Momma, what's that?

Malcolm Turner: [pulls out a flashlight] That's just my flashlight. The storm knocked out all the power so I had to get a big ol' flashlight.

Sherry: [interrupting the conversation they were having when she feels another jab in the back] Big Momma, is there another flashlight under there?

Big Momma: Somebody better tell me something, cause this show is some freaky shit.

Sherry: Oh, it's so good to see you, Big Momma. I thought you may forgotten all about me.

Malcolm Turner: Shut your mouth, child. Oh, Big Momma could never forget that ass...

Sherry: What?

Malcolm Turner: ...ma. Asthma. Do you remember you had asthma?

John: Is that morphine in there? God, beats the hell out of aspirin.

John: I'm a married man, I'm not used to this much attention.

Big Momma: Oh no! Not in Big Momma's house!

Malcolm Turner: I've seen a lot of scary shit in my days, but damn that was a lot of ass.

John: [while icing his balls] I think I need a splint or something.

Ben: I've been waiting on this moment ever since I first laid eyes on you.

Malcolm Turner: Ben, whatever you started in that bed, trust me, you're going to finish alone!

Nolan: Now lets say you walking down the street, strutting yo stuff, and someby yells out and screams "Hey baby! Why don't you back that thing up and show me whatcha got and whatcha gon do?"

Big Momma: I'd say imma size 10, and I'm about to cram it up his boney ass!

John: I used to be married, but not anymore.

Sadie: [sympathetically] Is your wife with Jesus now?

John: Actually, the guy's name was pronounced "Hey-soos." He was the gardner, and one day I caught him spreading some fertilizer around the bedroom, if you know what I mean.

[upon seeing Sherry in her underwear]

Malcolm Turner: Oooo ma damn!

John: [on the phone] Yeah, he knows what he's doing.

John: [faces Malcolm immediately afterwards] What the hell are you doing?

Basketball Teen #1: Oh so granny think she got game?

Malcolm Turner: [as Big Momma] Oh yes i got game. and i got two words for you im back.

Basketball Teen #2: You to fat to be ballin'!

Malcolm Turner: [as Big Momma] Say what? You look like a damn shaved bird!

[Trent giggles]

Malcolm Turner: [as Big Mommma] Ben, if you wanna get with m-... I mean, you will never get with me understand? And even if i was interested, which I definitely am not! you'd be going about it completely the wrong way.

Ben: Well how am I supposed to go about then?

Malcolm Turner: [as Big Momma] You don't come in a woman's house and lead with ys sha boing boing!