Lorelai: [walking into Luke's diner] Give me a burger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I need some heroes.
[Luke and Lorelai's first real date; they have just read a long story on the back of a menu, hence the menu line]
Lorelai: Hey, do you remember the first time we met?
Lorelai: I'm just trying to remember the first time we met. It must have been at Luke's, right?
Luke: [nods] It was at Luke's, it was at lunch, it was a very busy day, the place was packed, and this person...
Lorelai: Ooh, is it me? Is it me?
Luke: This person comes tearing into the place in a caffeine frenzy.
Lorelai: [happily] Ooh, it's me.
Luke: I was with a customer. She interrupts me, wild-eyed, begging for coffee, so I tell her to wait her turn. Then she starts following me around, talking a mile a minute, saying God knows what. So finally I turn to her, and I tell her she's being annoying - sit down, shut up, I'll get to her when I get to her.
Lorelai: Y'know, I bet she took that very well, 'cause she sounds just delightful.
Luke: She asked me what my birthday was. I wouldn't tell her. She wouldn't stop talking. I gave in. I told her my birthday. Then she opened up the newspaper to the horoscope page, wrote something down, tore it out, handed it to me.
Lorelai: God, seriously. You wrote the menu, didn't you?
Luke: So I'm looking at this piece of paper in my hand, and under Scorpio, she had written 'You will meet an annoying woman today. Give her coffee and she'll go away.' I gave her coffee.
Lorelai: [grins] But she didn't go away.
Luke: She told me to hold on to that horoscope, put it in my wallet, and carry it around with me -
[takes a piece of paper from his wallet and gives it to her]
Luke: one day it would bring me luck.
Lorelai: [teasing] Well, man, I will say anything for a cup of coffee
[reads it, grows serious]
Lorelai: Um... I can't believe you kept this. You kept this in your wallet?
[sees his face]
Lorelai: You kept this in your wallet.
Luke: Eight years.
Lorelai: [emotionally] Eight years.
Luke: I don't even like kids. They always have jam on their hands. Even when there isn't any jam in the house, they get jam on their hands. I can't deal with jam hands.
Lorelai: Well, I can't take it back to Yale.
Luke: I'm not storing your microbe mattress, forget it.
Lorelai: Well, then I'm stuck here.
Luke: Fine, because I need my truck back.
Lorelai: Fine, but that leaves you with the mattress.
Luke: I'm not taking the mattress.
Lorelai: Then let me take the truck.
Luke: But that means you take the mattress.
Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.
Luke: Then you can't have the truck.
Lorelai: But that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke: If you take the truck, it comes with the mattress.
Lorelai: I can't take the mattress.
Luke: Then you can't have the truck.
Lorelai: And that sticks you with the mattress.
Luke: We've been here before.
Lorelai: I recognize that tree.
["Gilmore Girls: Beginnings" opening narration]
Lorelai: There are many paths in life. There's the "Hey, you're cute, sure, I'll marry you after graduation and med school" and the "Can you drive Susie to soccer today, 'cause I've got a pediure?" path. And then there's my path, where I found myself 16 and pregnant and I realized "I have to get a job, I have to raise a kid and being me, I have to do it all by myself." Not easy. But the thing with my path was, when I reached the end, I turned around and realized I'd ended up someplace really good.
Lorelai: Heh, you know what I just realized? "Oy" is the funniest word in the entire world.
Lorelai: I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.
Emily: Oh dear God.
Lorelai: "Poodle" is another funny word.
Emily: Please drink your drink, Lorelai.
Lorelai: In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know? Like, "Oy with the poodles already."
Lorelai: So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catchphrase:
Rory: Oy with the poodles already.
Lorelai: I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" right out of first place.
Rory: [when Paris suddenly appears in front of Rory] God, you're like a pop-up book from hell!
[Luke thinks Lorelai is still dating Jason even though he, Luke, has 'made his intentions clear']
Luke: I thought we were on track, and now you're standing there looking at me like I'm crazy.
Lorelai: I'm not looking at you like you're crazy!
Luke: You know the last time I bought flowers for someone? Never! That's when! Very easy stat to remember!
Lorelai: I loved the flowers!
Luke: And then when I walked you home after the wedding, there was a moment. I thought there was a moment.
Lorelai: There was! There was a moment.
[Luke looks at her and then moves closer]
Lorelai: What are you doing?
Luke: Will you just stand still?
[he gathers her in his arms and they kiss. Lorelai moves away, and then steps closer to Luke]
Luke: What are you doing?
Lorelai: Will you just stand still?
[they kiss again]
Lorelai: Mom, Dad, look. I know we've had our differences over where Rory should go to school, but that's behind us now. She's going to Yale, and, that's good. Really good
Rory: Nothing but smiles.
Lorelai: We're both really happy about it.
Lorelai: Her and me.
Rory: She and I.
Lorelai: Everybody in this room named Lorelai is over the moon about the going to Yale.
Rory: Which means that everybody else in this room not named Lorelai can be, equally over the moon about the going to Yale.
Rory: So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?
Lorelai: Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert... again.
Lorelai: Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.
Rory: I have to get to school.
Jess: Yeah, me too.
Jess: Bye. Bye.
[Jess and Rory leave]
Luke: What the hell was that?
Lorelai: That was episode one of Rory and Jess: The Early Years.
[after Logan's prank in front of her class]
Rory: I have no words...
Logan: It was just a joke!
Rory: Oh, no, wait. I thought of some. Jerk! Ass, arrogant, inconsiderate, mindless, frat-boy, low-life, butt-face, miscreant!
Logan: 'Butt-faced miscreant'!
Rory: Why would you do something like that?
Logan: I'm sorry, 'butt-faced miscreant'?
Emily: You were on the phone?
Richard: Long distance.
Lorelai: God lives in London?
Richard: My mother lives in London.
Lorelai: Your mother is God?
Lorelai: So, God *is* a woman.
Lorelai: *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.
Richard: Make her stop.
Rory: Oh, that I could.
Lorelai: Lately I've been having these dark premonitions.
Rory: About what?
Luke: [handing Rory and Lorelai their food] Dead cow... and dead cow.
Lorelai: That's weird.
Rory: He's always weird.
Lorelai: No, I mean my premonitions have been about death... about *my* death.
Rory: I don't want to hear this!
Lorelai: And the thing is, they're all silly.
Rory: What do you mean silly?
Lorelai: In one, I slip on a banana peel and fall into a giant vat of whipped cream.
Rory: Silly and fattening.
Lorelai: In another, a turtle eats me.
Rory: A turtle? How?
Lorelai: Very slowly. There's *lots* of chewing.
Rory: And in your premonition you didn't run away from what is perhaps the slowest land animal on earth?
Lorelai: His first bite injects me with immobilizing poison.
Rory: Well, you left that part out.
Lorelai: This last one's a little more gory. I'm hunting...
Rory: [interrupts] A favorite Lorelai Gilmore pastime.
Lorelai: ...and my shotgun backfires. My whole face spins around a bunch of times and winds up in the back of my head like Daffy Duck.
Rory: That's the silliest one yet!
Lorelai: Now if that's how I go, you have to promise to move my face back to the front of my head like Daffy did with his beak.
Rory: I should really be writing this down.
Lorelai: You can remember to move my face to the front of my head.
Rory: It depends on what I have going on that week.
Lorelai: Schooch down now and go to sleep.
[she moves Rory's armchair]
Rory: What are you doing?
Lorelai: Nothing, just a little feng shui, go to sleep.
Rory: Mom, you don't have to sleep in here tonight.
Lorelai: I know, I just think the chair looks nice here.
Rory: And what's the blanket for?
Lorelai: In case the chair gets cold.
Rory: And the pillow?
Lorelai: To keep the blanket company.
Lorelai: Okay, everything's in its place. Chair seems warm, blanket seems happy, just one thing missing... oh yeah.
[sits down in chair]
Rory: Freak of sideshow proportions.
Lorelai: I love you, too.
Rory: I'm sorry.
Lorelai: Shh, the chair is trying to sleep.
[Rory has just met Paul, a younger man Lorelai once dated "casually" because he came into Luke's with his parents]
Lorelai: Say it!
Rory: I've always wanted a little brother.
Lorelai: He looked older the other night.
Rory: How much older could he possibly look?
Lorelai: A lot! He's usually a little scruffy, and then the baseball cap hides the funky hair thing.
Rory: He should've been holding a yo-yo and a lollipop and wearing a beanie with a propeller on it.
Lorelai: He's in his twenties.
Rory: He must have been a very good boy to deserve such a happy day. I bet they let him ride a pony.
Rory: Please, just tell me why you're here.
Dean: I don't even know...
Rory: Yes, you do!
Dean: Because I thought that you? Oh, forget it.
Dean: I thought you were trying to talk to me.
Dean: I mean, you came to my house?
Rory: Oh, no that? that wasn't me.
Dean: It *was* you.
Rory: It must have been someone that looked like me...
Dean: My sister recognized you from the pictures in my box.
Rory: What box?
Dean: The box I have of us, pictures and letters from you and everything...
Rory: You have a Rory box?
Dean: And what was going on at that town meeting, all that stuff about writing a song?
Rory: I don't know what I was talking about...
Dean: And it had nothing to do with me?... Well, I must have imagined it all, then. Your boyfriend is waiting.
Rory: He's not my boyfriend, I *hate* him!
Rory: Because I love you, you idiot!
Luke: [Luke is buying self-help books but doesn't want Andrew to see them] What are you doing?
Andrew: I have to ring them up.
Luke: I ' ll just tell you the prices. This one is... $24.99.
Andrew: That high?
Luke: They're your prices!
Andrew: Can I just see the book?
Luke: I'm reading you the book. It says right here.
[looks at the price again]
Luke: Oh, wait - that's the Canadian price. $14.99.
Andrew: Will you just let me scan the book?
Luke: When you scan the book, do you see the title?
Luke: Then no.
Andrew: Luke, come on! What do you got there, porn?
Luke: You sell porn?
Luke: You think I brought my own porn in here to buy?
Andrew: I don't know what you're doing. I just need to scan the books.
Luke: [hands Andrew some money] This should cover it.
Andrew: A hundred bucks? That's way too much!
Luke: Take it.
[he leaves, then comes back in]
[Andrew hands him one, he leaves again]
Lorelai: Oh, hi. You really like my table don't you?
Joey: I was just, uh...
Lorelai: Getting to know my daughter.
Rory: Are you my new daddy?
Joey: Wow. You do not look old enough to have a daughter. No, I mean it. And you do not look like a daughter.
Lorelai: That's possibly very sweet of you, Joey. Thanks.
Joey: So... daughter. You know, I am traveling with a friend.
Lorelai: She's sixteen.
[Lorelai has had to throw Emily an impromptu bachelorette party and invited all the women from Stars Hollow. Emily is now drunk]
Miss Patty: So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow.
Emily: It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai?
Lorelai: Ab fab, sweetie darling.
Emily: Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy?
Gypsy: Please make your mother stop talking to me.
Lorelai: If only I had that power.
Lorelai: [talking to Rory on the phone] "School comes before mommy's mental health."
Zach: [sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing." Dude, what's a bulwark?
Zach: It says, a bulwark never failing.
Brian: I think it's a wall.
Zach: Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay.
Brian: I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something.
Zach: Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark.
Emily: Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening, and I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past, but I want to make this very clear: you, young lady, your person and your existence, have never ever been, not even for a second, included in that list. Do you understand me?
[Luke is trying to subtly flirt with Lorelai at his diner]
Luke: Those jeans are really working for you.
Luke: They're working for me, too.
Lorelai: You're flirting with me.
Luke: Something like that.
Lorelai: Finally. Do it some more.
Luke: Your shoes work well with that... shirt.
Lorelai: Gee, Carson, thanks.
[Lorelai's having Rory]
Young Lorelai: Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.
Nurse: Just breathe deep, honey.
Young Lorelai: Breathing doesn't help, can I hit you instead?
Young Lorelai: Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.
Nurse: No, you cannot hit me.
Young Lorelai: Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you 'cause I really need to do something.
Sookie: Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry pancakes.
Michel: Are there 12?
Sookie: 12 what?
Michel: Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.
Sookie: Or what?
Michel: What do you mean, or what?
Sookie: What happens if you eat 13 blueberries?
Michel: This is a silly conversation.
Sookie: Would you die?
Michel: Just hand me the plate.
Sookie: Only if you don't count.
Michel: I won't count.
Sookie: Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's Child break up if I count these blueberries.'
Michel: [raises his hand] ... Pick another group.
Michel: [slams hand down] I hate you! Hate you!
Lorelai: What happened? The reception on the phone sucked. All I heard was "Rory" and "Chilton" and "Get down here." Whose butt do I have to kick?
Rory: We didn't go to breakfast.
Lorelai: What are you talking about?
Rory: We came here. They broke into the headmaster's office as the big initiation.
Lorelai: Ugh, those stupid girls.
Rory: Uh huh. Part of the initiation was ringing a bell. So, that's what I was doing when security showed up and they called you.
Lorelai: That's what you got busted for? That's it? Bell-ringing?
Lorelai: Were you at least smoking a Cuban cigar while you were doing it?
Lorelai: No, I mean, "bad girl, how many times have I told you not to ring bells?"
Rory: [interrupting] Let's go.
Lorelai: [continuing] "They can dent, or scratch, and they make dogs go crazy. Who do you think you are, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? Are you French? Circular? I don't think so."
Rory: I'm walking to the car now.
Lorelai: [later] Was it a big bell at least?
Lorelai: [to Rory] I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on.
Lorelai: Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke.
Rory: Was he naked?
Lorelai: No. He was making breakfast.
Lorelai: Ok, you have been in Washington for way too long.
Jess's New Girfriend: Hi.
Jess's New Girfriend: So?
Jess: One sec.
Jess's New Girfriend: Jess!
[closes his book, turns to Luke]
Jess: I'm out!
Rory: Ladies and gentlemen, an entire conversation in one word sentences.
Dean: [walks into Luke's] OK, don't hate me, but I already ate breakfast.
Lorelai: See, nice, full sentences.
Rory: Don't ruin it.
Paris: I pierced my nose. And within an hour of having it done, my nose swelled up to four times its normal size, blocking all nasal passage, making it impossible to breathe. I went to the emergency room, where they pried the thing out of my nose and shot me up with antibiotics. I spent the night with an ice pack strapped to my face.
Rory: Oh, Paris.
Paris: It seems that I was allergic to the crap metal hoop that I paid $19.95 to have jammed into my nose.
Louise: Did you take a picture?
Paris: No, Louise, I did not take a picture. I was a little busy trying to get air to my brain cells, a burden you've not yet faced.
[Lorelai and Luke are discussing Rory and her new boyfriend Dean]
Lorelai: I have to make her understand that I'm okay with the guy thing. 'Cause not talking about guys and our personal lives - that's me and my mom. That is not me and Rory.
Luke: Are you okay with the guy thing?
Luke: That's not okay.
Lorelai: That's okay with an "ish."
Luke: Whatever you say.
Lorelai: [after talking to her mother on her cell phone] *Your* fault.
Luke: How is that *my* fault?
Lorelai: Because you preoccupied me with all your yammering about the meeting so I wasn't thinking and I didn't check to see who was calling before I answered! Boy, it's nice to finally have someone to blame.
Lorelai: [at the town meeting, when everyone is talking about the bad things that Jess has done] I hear he controls the weather and wrote the screenplay to Glitter!
Richard: Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear? Well, don't do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos.
Lorelai: I'm gonna have pancakes with a side of pancakes.
Rory: [to Logan as they enter his house for dinner] Remind me to tell you about the time my mom wore her rhinestone penis T-shirt to dinner and Grandma had her car towed.
Lorelai: Hey, Luke.
Luke: I'm in bed. I have ten more minutes to sleep. Not a lot of time in the grand scheme of things, but still, ten minutes is ten minutes. You know what I mean.
Lorelai: Sure, yeah.
Rory: Ten minutes is great.
Luke: And then the phone rings, and it just rings and rings and rings and rings, so I pick it up.
Lorelai: And then hopefully got your hearing checked.
Luke: Can I finish my story?
Lorelai: I'm just saying, that's a lot of rings.
Luke: And on the other end of the phone is someone named John who says he's Kyle's father, and Kyle threw a party last night without permission. And two guys got into a fight and tore the place apart, so John wants me to come down and take a look at the damage and discuss some sort of solution to the problem of the damages. Now, I don't know John, and I certainly don't know Kyle, but I do know someone who would get into a fight at a party and leave the place completely trashed. It's a wild guess, but I think his name rhymes with Tess. So here I am, heading in there to talk to John about Kyle and discuss what is to be done about the Hummel.
Lorelai: The what?
Lorelai: I would reconsider calling Dean. It's not his fault that you're so fabulous he can't think about anything else.
Rory: Bye Mom.
Lorelai: I mean, he just sits in his room, eating Froot Loops out of the box, saying your name over and over and over.
Rory: Time is ticking.
Lorelai: Rory, I love you Rory. Rory, I will not be ignored Rory...
[Luke is shoveling Lorelai's walk after they had a fight]
Lorelai: Ooh, this is great. Can we fight again, 'cause I need my roof gutters cleaned.
Mrs. Kim: [talking to relative at a Kim wedding] Ming-Jei. Look good. Lost weight. Not so fat.
Paris: Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated brow line? Man, was my face red.
Madeline Lynn: I've done that, too. Ooh, it's bad.
Louise: She was being sarcastic.
Madeline Lynn: Well, I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month.
Lane: The very concept of childbirth is vaguely disturbing.
Rory: Yeah. Kids are cool and all, but getting there seems like a big cosmic joke.
Lane: Definitely thought up by a man.
Rory: My mom said that when she told me where babies come from.
Lane: My mom still hasn't told me.
Lane: When my cousin got pregnant, she said it's because an angel brushed its wings against her face.
Rory: I could fill you in on the details sometime if you want.
Lane: No thanks, I've picked it up off the streets.
[At the Yale-Harvard football game]
Lorelai: Oh, wait, are you Pennilyn Lott, my dad's college sweetheart?
Pennilyn Lott: Yes.
Lorelai: You're my almost-mommy.
Pennilyn Lott: Well, I supposed that's one way of putting it...
Lorelai: I'm so glad to finally meet you. Let me ask you something - would you have let me get a pony?
Tristan: And she's reading again. How novel.
Rory: Good-bye, Tristan.
Tristan: Did you get the novel thing? Because...
Rory: I said good-bye.
Tristan: What are you doing here?
Rory: I like lines.
Tristan: The guy's supposed to buy the tickets.
Rory: Really. Does Susan Faludi know about this?
Tristan: Unless of course there is no guy.
Rory: There's a guy
Tristan: A Cheap guy.
Rory: Well, what can I say? I like 'em cheap. Sloppy too - bald spot, beer gut, you know, and the pants that kind of slip down in the back, giving you that good plumber shot. That sends me through the roof.
Tristan: So who is he?
Rory: How many languages can you say 'none of your business' in.
Tristan: Does he go to this school?
Rory: No, he doesn't.
Tristan: Uh-huh. Well, look, OK, I'll confess something to you. I don't have a date.
Rory: Well I hear Squeaky Fromme is up for parole soon. You should keep a good thought.
[about new school]
Rory: One of the girls already hates me. The guys are weird.
Lorelai: Weirder than other guys?
Rory: Yeah, they kept calling me Mary.
Lorelai: You're kidding me. Wow, I can't believe they still say that.
Rory: Why? What does it mean?
Lorelai: It means like, Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.
Rory: You're kidding.
Rory: Well what would they have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?
Lorelai: Well, they might have added a Magdalene to it.
Rory: Wow. Biblical insults. This is an advanced school.
Luke: I'm different, I'm a loner.
Lorelai: Oh no. No no. I don't want to hear about the romance of being a loner.
Luke: Some guys are just naturally loners.
Lorelai: Yes, lonely guys.
Luke: Independent guys.
Lorelai: Sad guys.
Luke: Maverick guys.
Lorelai: Lee Harvey Oswald.
Luke: John Muir.
Lorelai: The unabomber.
Luke: Henry David Thoreau
Lorelai: Every one of these sad and lonely guys.
Lorelai: You saved me, I love you, I want to have your baby... Oops too late.
Lorelai: My life stinks. Hey, let's look into each other's eyes and say "I wish I were you" at exactly the same time - maybe we'll pull a Freaky Friday.
Rory: Or we can just pretend that we did and you can go around acting really immature. Oh, wait...
Lorelai: I can't believe you won't switch bodies with me.
Rory: Forget it. Then I'd have to date Kirk.
Luke: Uh, listen, I just want you to know that I had a little talk with Jess earlier.
Lorelai: You did?
Luke: Yes, I did, and I really laid down the rules concerning him and Rory. Trust me, he now knows that I am going to be watching them every second they are together.
Lorelai: Oh good.
Lorelai: You know, they're together now.
Lorelai: Oh yeah. 'I have to get a part for my car', 'I'm going to go study' - that's kid code for 'Meet me at the previously agreed upon location far away from my clueless uncle.'
Luke: You're kidding me, right? You don't really think that... damn, they are. They're together. They used the kid code and now they're together.
Rory: Hi, I'd like a large caramel macchiato with an extra shot and whipped cream, please.
Coffee vendor: Coming up.
Rory: Wait, hold on, how much is that?
Coffee vendor: $4.85.
Rory: Okay, better drop the extra shot. What does that make it?
Coffee vendor: $4.20.
Rory: Better make it a small. What does that make it?
Coffee vendor: $3.30.
Rory: Better drop the whipped cream, what does that make it?
Coffee vendor: Less calories.
Rory: Just a plain old small coffee, please.
Lorelai: 'Mom, I'm getting married.' I'm an idiot. And you know, as my mouth was opening my mind was screaming, 'Don't do it, I mean it, you'll regret it.' But did my mouth listen?
Lorelai: No. And it opened and the words came out, and Emily was Emily, and my mouth was stunned. And my mind said 'I told you so.' And then my mouth got mad because no mouth like's to have it's nose rubbed in it. And now my mind and my mouth aren't talking, and it'll be weeks before we can get the boys together again.
Rory: Your mouth has a nose?
Lorelai: What in Lucifer's reach is my mother doing here?
Lorelai: Hey, if that's a crack at my housekeeping skills... well then, okay.
Lorelai: Ladies never get their own eggrolls. Ladies never get their own anything. They don't even get their own ideas.
Rory: Oh boy.
Lorelai: They just sit helplessly and wait for some young strong man to come by and assist them. They don't step in puddles, they don't step over puddles. They can't even look at puddles. They actually need to be blindfolded and thrown in a sack and carried over puddles.
Rory: Isn't there a moratorium on how long ladies are supposed to talk?
Lorelai: Uhh, no.
Lorelai: Date her, marry her, make her Mrs. Backwards baseball cap. See if I care.
Rory: [She is being stared at in the diner] I feel like a used car.
[Lorelai is rejoicing over being able to go down to Luke's diner and get pie whenever she wants]
Lorelai: Oh, it's heaven! One quick trip downstairs and I have all the treats I want. You're like Willy Wonka but hotter.
Luke: I am not hotter than Willy Wonka.
Lorelai: Slap on a purple top hat and you're close.
Lorelai: [to Rory] You've got Bambi voice.
Christopher: Who could not like being kissed by a Gilmore girl?
Lorelai: I really like him, Rory. I can't help it. And it's been a really long time since I've felt like this. You can't always control who you're attracted to, you know. I think the whole Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thronton thing really proves that
Rory: [Logan just called Rory his "girlfriend" for the first time] You OK over there? Do you need a glass of water or... a time machine?
Lorelai: Are you going to kiss me now? You are so incredibly predictable.
Luke: Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no." And when I die, I'm gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How's Ted?" followed closely by, "Taylor, no."
Lorelai: Great, fine, do what you want. I guess I'm just out the thousand-dollar deposit.
Luke: What deposit?
Lorelai: For the room.
Luke: What room?
Lorelai: For the thing, for the afterwards thing...
Luke: Oh, wait, now, you're talking crazy talk trying to confuse me, aren't you?
Lorelai: Aren't you?
[after Rory has been arrested for stealing a yacht; she's telling Luke about it]
Lorelai: Rory never even shoplifted. Not a candy bar, not a lipstick. She forgot to return a library book once. And she was so guilty about it that she grounded herself. I mean, can you imagine? She's just sitting there in her bedroom yelling at me, "Now no one else got to read the Iliad this week because of me!"
[Emily has purchased a very small "panic room"]
Lorelai: Hey, let's test it out. I'm gonna get you.
[makes claws with her hands]
Emily: [annoyed] Oh, my God.
Lorelai: [attempting to be scary] You better get in there, 'cause I'm a bad guy. Baah!
Emily: Stop it.
Lorelai: I'm menacing. Panic, damn it. Come on.
Mrs. Kim: [to David, in response to his request to take Lane to the prom] "Let never day nor night unhallowed pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done."
[he leaves, confused]
Mrs. Kim: [the next day, David confronts Mrs. Kim]
Dave Rygalski: I stayed up all night. I read the entire Bible cover to cover. I don't know what it means.
Mrs. Kim: David...
Dave Rygalski: You have to tell me what it means. Is it "yes?" Is it "no?" I can't feel my right elbow any more. I don't even know why, but I... I can't.
Mrs. Kim: David!
Dave Rygalski: [pleading] Please. Just tell me. I'm so tired.
Mrs. Kim: It's not from the Bible.
Dave Rygalski: What?
Mrs. Kim: It's Shakespeare. Hevry VIth. I like to goof off now and then too, you know.
Dave Rygalski: Shakespeare?
Mrs. Kim: That is a very difficult thing to do, reading the Bible in one night. I myself have only done it three times. You need great determination and excellent light. I'm very impressed.
Dave Rygalski: [he looks at her expectantly]
Mrs. Kim: All right.
Dave Rygalski: All right what?
Mrs. Kim: You can go to the prom, but you can not get married.
Dave Rygalski: That seems fair to me.
[the quotation is from Henry VI, Act ii, Sc.1]
Lorelai: Boy, you'd think love songs are all you and Lane would wanna play.
Zach: Man, this crunch just now sounded like the drum-fill in Baba O'Reilly.
Dave: Yeah, Zach, a musical mouth. That's awesome.
Zach: But why would Dave and Lane wanna play just love songs?
Lorelai: Because, I was just thinking, you know, with Dave's name - Dave - you've got the last two letters in love. V, E. And with Lane's name, you have the L. You can just dump the A and add an O and there you go.
[Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her mother made her get involved in]
Lorelai: Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.
Rory: Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now.
Lorelai: Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.
Rory: Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about Waffle. We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium.
Lorelai: [dialing on her cell phone] Okay, I'm crabby, I need to do something about it.
Lorelai: Hey Mom!
Emily: Well, hello.
Lorelai: So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you?
Emily: No, she did not.
Lorelai: Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look.
Emily: Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved.
Lorelai: Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.
Emily: Well, good for you.
Lorelai: Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.
Emily: Excuse me?
Lorelai: Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup.
Emily: Lorelai, you can't be serious.
Lorelai: Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.
Emily: This is ridiculous.
Lorelai: Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future?
Emily: All right.
Lorelai: Start measuring.
Rory: You feel better now?
Lorelai: Waffle's very happy.
[Lorelai wants Luke to fire the annoying new guy he hired]
Lorelai: He doesn't write the orders down, he never brings you food that's hot or yours, he can't distinguish bagels from doughnuts, he hands out butt napkins, and he has worn that Foreigner t-shirt every single day since he started working here and he doesn't know who they are. I asked him.
Luke: What are butt napkins?
Lorelai: Kirk needed a napkin, and he pulled one out of his back pocket.
Luke: Hey, Bren?
Brennon Lewis: Yeah, boss?
Luke: Did you give Kirk a napkin out of your back pocket?
Brennon Lewis: Yeah.
Brennon Lewis: Okay.
Lorelai: So, apparently, I'm now the Reigning Lorelai.
Rory: Huh. I guess you are.
Lorelai: It's a lot of responsibility.
Rory: Well, sure.
Lorelai: I mean, it's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays. Declaring knighthoods, opening supermarkets. But now and then, you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp.
Rory: Neat. And coins.
Lorelai: Yeah, and coins. You know, someday you'll be the Reigning Lorelai.
Rory: I don't like that idea!
Lorelai: Why not? You get a cape.
Rory: Because if I'm the Reigning Lorelai, then that means you'll be gone.
Lorelai: Gone? No, not me. I'll step down way before that. I'm not going to pull a Queen Elizabeth on you, make you wait around forever, force you to develop interests in polo and architecture.
Rory: I am scared of horses.
Lorelai: I know that.
Rory: So there's a cape, huh?
Marty: Okay. I remember something about Rome. Rome. Rome. Romans live there. Audrey Hepburn took a holiday there. It's the name of a B52s song.
Rory: Different Rome.
Marty: Okay. That's it. I can't remember. College is breaking my spirit. Every single day telling me things I don't know, it's making me feel stupid.
Lorelai: How does Charlie Rose screw up your REM sleep?
Luke: Because he's always got some guy on pushing a book about how everything's all going to hell, or they're going to pass a law, how everyone with a nose ring is going to get shipped off to China. Suddenly you're depressed, thinking we're all going to die and don't drink the water, there's anthrax in my bagel - and bam, there goes your REM sleep.
Lorelai: Or Mel Brooks is on, and he is so funny, and you think, "What a wonderful world we live in, that there's a Mel Brooks to go to sleep to."
Luke: Mel Brooks is never on Charlie Rose, and when he is on he's talking about Nazis, and then you go to sleep and you dream about Nazis and they all look like Nathan Lane, and you're creeped out for days.
[At Richard and Emily's vow-renewal ceremony]
Lorelai: Oh, Marilyn, this is Luke. Luke, this is my cousin Marilyn.
Luke: Nice to meet you.
Marilyn: You, too.
[pulls Lorelai aside]
Marilyn: Is he a gardener?
Lorelai: Um, no, he owns a diner.
Marilyn: Oh, I've always wanted to have an affair with a gardener. Apparently that's very 'in' now.
Christopher: This town is like one big outpatient mental institution.
Clara: Is Jess your real name?
Clara: Do you like it?
Jess: It's fine.
Clara: Would you rather be named Bill?
Jess: Does this belong to you?
Dean: Clara, you want a snowcone?
Clara: Yes, will you get me a snowcone?
Jess: Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I'll be right back.
Lorelai: Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay.'
Lorelai: I have earned the right not to be quizzed about my social life by my sixteen-year-old daughter.
Rory: I thought I was your best friend.
Lorelai: When we're at a U2 concert, you are my best friend. But right now you are my sixteen-year-old daughter and I am telling you I do not want to have this conversation.
Jess: Yeah women right, can't live with 'em can't stop them from jumping in closets... go figure.
Jess: Someone devil-egged my car?
Lorelai: There goes my little girl, off to rule the world!
Rory: Paris will be ruling the world, I will be holding the keys.
Lorelai: Wow, you're pretty, you're smart. Now all you need as a drunken relative behind the scenes embarrassing you with every move they make.
Rory: Will you get on that?
Lorelai: I'm two steps ahead of you.
Rory: He was always a cat person. He just never had a cat.
Lorelai: It's not my fault that yes and Jess rhyme.
Rory: [to Lorelai] What am I doing? I'm ranting. You should recognize this, I learned it from you.
[many alarm clocks go off]
Lorelai: You are hilarious.
[Going down the stairs]
Lorelai: Okay, see, last night when I said to you: "Tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I get up at seven," what I actually meant was: "tomorrow, no matter what, make sure I have the option of getting up seven, in case, when seven comes, I actually wanna get up." Which, as it happen, I didn't. Therefore, you're currently responsible for the great alarm clock slaughter of 2002.
Luke: No survivor?
Lorelai: The one shaped like a bunny escaped with a mild decapitation.
[Emily's friend 'Sweetie' has just passed away]
Lorelai: Was that her real name - Sweetie?
Emily: No, her name was Melinda. Sweetie was a nickname.
Emily: What do you mean, why?
Lorelai: I mean, how did they get Sweetie from Melinda?
Emily: They didn't get Sweetie from Melinda. Sweetie is a nickname.
Lorelai: Yes, I know Sweetie was a nickname, but usually, a nickname comes from a version of your name, or there's a story behind the name or something.
Emily: She was sweet. That's the story.
Emily: She had a very sweet nature.
Emily: Well, what kind of story did you want, Lorelai?
Lorelai: No, that's fine. She was sweet. They called her Sweetie. It's a good story.
Emily: No, really. Exactly what kind of story about my recently departed friend would amuse you?
Lorelai: Mom, it's not to amuse me. It's...
Emily: All right, fine. Sweetie's father was a very poor man - so poor that Sweetie and her four siblings all had to sleep in a hollowed-out tree trunk because the house was only big enough for their parents. One winter, there was no food, so Sweetie crawled out of her trunk, wrapped her feet in newspaper, and walked forty miles in the snow to the nearest town, where she stumbled into a candy store. The owner took pity on her and gave her bags of candy, a dill pickle, and drove her back to her family. He promptly offered a job to her father, who gladly accepted and eventually owned that store and turned it into one of the most important candy emporiums in the world. And that is how she got the name Sweetie. There, how was that?
Lorelai: Now, that was a pretty good story.
Lorelai: Rory is very low maintenance. Kind of like that robot kid in A.I., only way less mother-obsessed. Oh my God, that kid was so annoying. I would've pushed him out of the car while it was still moving.
Lorelai: Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.
Lorelai: Hey, I should bring steak sauce, right?
Rory: For what?
Rory: I just got back from Italy.
Rory: So they'd shoot you in Italy for that.
Lorelai: Ah, but this is America, where we unapologetically bastardize other countries' cultures in a gross quest for moral and military supremacy.
Rory: I forgot. Bring on the imperialistic condiments.
Michel: Every day that you breathe you make my life harder.
Luke: [talking about a partner for the dance marathon] What about that one?
Lorelai: Mhm... No.
Luke: Why not?
Lorelai: Too pale.
Luke: So what?
Lorelai: Pale means sick.
Luke: Or sunscreen.
Lorelai: Or mad cow disease.
Luke: Pale does not mean mad cow disease.
Lorelai: Have you ever had mad cow disease?
Luke: Twice last week and my coloring was wonderful.
Dave Rygalski: A few weeks ago you told me that Lane had a crush on me. Well, I have a crush on her, too. Now, I know you have very strict rules about dating and boys, but I just want you to know that I'm a good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket, I'm healthy, I take care of myself, I floss. I never watch more than 30 minutes of television a night partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents, I do well in school, I never play video games in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial killer. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar, and I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom.
Dave Rygalski: [Mrs. Kim doesnt say anything] Mrs. Kim? Please don't make me repeat that list again.
Mrs. Kim: Let never day nor night unhallow'd pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done.
Dave Rygalski: Okay, thank you.
Dave Rygalski: [Dave and Lane walk outside] Did you hear what she said?
Lane: Yes, I did.
Dave Rygalski: What did it mean?
Lane: I don't know.
Dave Rygalski: Was it a yes, was it a no?
Lane: I'm not sure.
Dave Rygalski: Well, it's gotta be from the bible, right? So I'll just go home, do some research, look on the Internet, see what I can find. I'll call you when I know something.
[Lorelai pulls a shirt from Luke's closet]
Lorelai: Oh my God.
Lorelai: Jimmy Buffett?
Luke: Put that back.
Lorelai: You like Jimmy Buffett? He's so mellow.
Luke: I've just been to a few shows, that's all.
Lorelai: A few shows? Oh my God, you're a Buffetthead.
Luke: Is that the one you want me to wear or not?
Lorelai: Sing Margaritaville.
Jess: That attitude's gonna lose you that toy.
Luke: Stay outta this.
[turns to Rory and says sarcastically]
Jess: So Courtney, what about you?
Zach: Dude, Brian's breathing is louder than the song.
Brian: I've got a deviated septum. All the women in my family and me have it.
Zach: Well, it's throwing me off.
Lane: Hold your breath when we're playing, Brian. There, problem solved. Okay, come on, now, let's rock. One, two, three...
Zach: Wait. The bottom line here is that breathing should not be louder than a rock band. Am I right or am I right?
Dave: What we need is a name.
Brian: I made my suggestion.
Zach: Yeah, and we vetoed "The Harry Potters." Next.
Brian: So yours is better?
Zach: "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is memorable and classy.
Brian: I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zach: You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
Dave: Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.
Brian: Even without an inhaler, "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is too long.
Zach: Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to F-T-T-T-E-O-T-D.
Luke: [Jess' beeper goes off when Luke visits him in his run-down apartment] What, are you a drug dealer now?
Rory: I have to perform Act Five of "Romeo and Juliet" with Paris, Madeline and Louise.
Rory: Paris has appointed herself as director.
Lorelai: Nice. What part are you playing?
Rory: I don't know yet. She's still mulling over the screen tests right now. We're gonna find out tomorrow.
Lorelai: Screen tests?
Rory: 24 takes.
Lorelai: Ah, I so want a copy.
Rory: Forget it.
Lorelai: Sell it on the Internet, make a fortune. 'First we brought you Pamela and Tommy Lee, now prepare yourselves for the crazy antics of Rory and the Bard.'
Rory: Oh, and I told Paris that you would make all of our costumes so she wants to have a concept meeting with you tomorrow at three.
Rory: Yeah, she needs a resume and samples of your previous work and, uh, referrals.
Lorelai: And my bare butt to kiss?
Rory: If you think that will set you apart from the other applicants, yes.
[Luke has hired a new waiter]
Rory: Oh, my god.
Rory: He hired Brennon Lewis.
Lorelai: He doesn't look that bad.
Rory: He's the boy who dissected a frog, did not wash his hands, and then ate a sandwich.
Rory: He's like the lost Farrelly brother. He's so stupid. He watched 'The Breakfast Club' and decided to tape his own butt cheeks together.
Lorelai: You lost me at carrots, which was the first draft of 'you had me at hello'.
Marty: Okay. I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a very similar result.
Rory: This is Anna.
Marty: [gasps excitedly] Did Paris move?
Paris: [from behind] I'm right here, Marty.
Marty: I know, Paris.
Paris: Well, the worst that can happen is that I spend some time in your town and suddenly have an urge to enter a pie in the county fair.
Lorelai: Hey, I'm studying in there...
Rory: I know.
Lorelai: Yeah. I have, like, 6,000 pages of case studies to memorize and this whole big test on the Wal-Mart phenomena coming up on Friday and because I have a life and a job and business school's not the only thing I have to concentrate on I'm behind, and I'll probably fail and then that little 18-year-old annoying gnat who sits behind me will get another 'A' and make that 'I'm smart you're dumb' fact to me for the rest of the week and I'll be very upset and will possibly cry.
Rory: The music's too loud.
Lorelai: That's the *last* time I buy anything just because it's furry.
Rory: Yeah, as obvious as a man wearing sunglass with a dog selling pencils...
Luke: When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They'd go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it's indecent. This is a diner not a peep show.
[Advice for Rory to answer the phone]
Lorelai: If it's Mick Jagger, run away and ring the bell I gave you.
Luke: Red meat kills, enjoy.
Paris: I can't do this.
Paris: Date. I can't date. I'm not genetically set up for it.
Rory: Not true.
Paris: I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I'm covered in hives, I've showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn't even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don't wind up in a restaurant that's really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?
Lorelai: Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon.
Rory: You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me?
Lorelai: Just a little.
Rory: How much is a little?
Lorelai: Learn Russian.
Jess: [to Rory] So are we gonna sing School House rock songs?
Lorelai: All those Stars Hollow moms looked alike, except for Lane's mom and that one mom with the freaky glass eye that never moved.
Lorelai: Hey, what do you know about this town loner guy?
Luke: Same as everyone. Just kind of skulks around with that backpack, never smiles.
Lorelai: Does he also make cheeseburgers and secretly harbor a desire to wear a backwards baseball cap?
Lorelai: [sings] They're cousins, identical cousins...
Luke: Stop it.
Rory: Dean?... Dean, what are you doing here?
Dean: I'm leaving.
Rory: Don't go!
Dean: I shouldn't have come...
Rory: No, wait!
Dean: I feel like an idiot.
Dean: Because I come all the way out here and then I see you with *him*. That's just great!
Rory: No, Tristan was just...
Dean: I don't care.
Rory: No, listen...
Dean: He's got your books, Rory!
Rory: But he took them and he wouldn't give them back. Please, just tell me why you're here.
Lane: How are you doing, Kirk?
Kirk: Great. I'm loving this blackened Cajun bread Luke made for me. I didn't even ask for it.
Lane: It's burnt toast, Kirk. You don't have to eat it.
Kirk: But I'm loving it. And look, I've been mixing black ash with the runny eggs. Goes great with the fishy-tasting bacon.
Lorelai: Boy, it's cold in here.
Rory: It's a lot colder where you're sitting.
Lorelai: Ugh. She's mad at me.
Lorelai: Think she's gonna be mad at me all night?
Lorelai: I guess I should go in there and talk to her.
Lorelai: You wouldn't wanna go in there and talk to her for me?
Lorelai: Good thing you don't get paid by the word.
Rory: The sooner you get in there, the sooner you get cheese.
Rory: She's very up on traffic flow and rush hour and all that.
Lorelai: She's Rand McNally.
Rory: She should do traffic reports on the radio.
Lorelai: Hi, this is Sherry Tinsdale. Looks like there's a tie-up on the boulevard. They appear to be moving every building in Harvard University so now it's just one point three miles from my house. Nice job, guys.
Rory: You're awful.
Lorelai: Oh, and lots of cars stopped at a blue light on Garvey Avenue. Why a blue light? Well, 'cause blue's the new red.
Sookie: I should not be a parent.
Lorelai: Sookie. Look at me. There are many people in this world who should not have been parents. Mr. and Mrs. Hitler for example. The Bin Ladens could have watched TV that night. Richard and Emily might have taken a pass at procreating. But... you. No way. You're going to be a great parent.
Michel: Yes, this place is impressive,isn't it? I mean, the uniform alone... like working in your jammies. And these headsets, are they not fabulous? Especially when, for example, you're in the bathroom, a place one would normally choose to be alone. Then suddenly... BANG... someone is yakking in your ear. How delightful. You can never get lonely.
Lorelai: I suppose not.
Michel: And the people who work here. A joy. So young, so talented. Some of them are actors in ambitious off-Broadway reviews. They play cockroaches and derelicts, do Shakespeare dressed like punk rockers. It gives me chills just thinking about it.
Rory: I can go from zero to studying in less than sixty seconds.
Christopher: Move to California. That's what I do when my parents fight.
Rory: Before I knew it, Grandma was telling me how important it is for a person to be properly presented to society.
Rory: And how every young girl dreams of this day.
Rory: And how there are flowers.
Lorelai: Oh Lord.
Rory: And music.
Rory: And cake.
Lorelai: Oh yeah, the cake's actually good.
Lorelai: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the Gilmores of our lives.
Lorelai: Ugh, Rory, my brain is full. It has reached capacity. It's Shea Stadium when the Beatles played. It's cramped and girls are screaming and I think George is fighting with Ringo.
Sookie: Oh, that makes me so mad. And so sad. I'm smad.
Lorelai: I want to welcome you to the first annual and probably never ever to be held again because Sookie's on the verge of a nervous breakdown Bracebridge Dinner.
[Emily and Richard have split up]
Emily: At some point you have to face facts, and the facts are, he's moved on. And therefore I should move on also.
Lorelai: Absolutely. MoveOn.org.
Emily: [pause] I think it's time for me to date.
Lorelai: [chokes on her drink] Oh, my God.
Emily: I want to go on a date.
Lorelai: With - a *man*?
Emily: No, a weasel. Of course, a man!
Lorelai: I'm not hearing this.
Emily: Well, why shouldn't I date? I'm still a viable commodity.
Lorelai: I need a paper towel and a Valium, please.
Emily: There are plenty of men at the club who, in the past, have made their interest in me known, I just need to figure out how to reciprocate their feelings. You have a lot of experience with men. How do you let them know that you're available?
Lorelai: Well, one of those bench ads usually does the trick.
Emily: Lorelai, stop it. I need help here. It's been years since I did this, and I don't remember the proper procedure! Now take me through this step-by-step. You see a man, you walk up to him and you say...
Emily: Is that too forward?
Lorelai: No, it's the appropriate way to indicate you're open to a social engagement. Unless, however, you are approaching a weasel. Then I believe the proper signal is just to offer him your hindquarters.
Emily: When a woman gives birth to a crack baby you do not buy her a puppy.
[Luke and Lorelai arrive at Emily and Richard's vow renewal. Luke is already in his suit and complains that his pants are wrinkled]
Lorelai: Hey, stop being such a nancy-boy about the pants. Think Hemingway ever gave a crap what his pants looked like?
Luke: Hemingway blew his brains out, also. How much of a role model do you want me to make this guy?
Luke: Crazy people. Whole town should be medicated and put in a rec room with ping pong tables and hand puppets.
Luke: Okay, if I give you my lawyer's name, will you leave?
Russell: I will leave.
Luke: Okay, you ready?
Luke: His name is Don Dewey. He works at the firm of Dewey...
Luke: And Howe.
Russell: Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe. That was very immature.
Lorelai: This is it. She can finally go to Harvard like she's always wanted and get the education that I never got and get to do all the things that I never got to do and then I can resent her for it and we can finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship.
Kirk: I have night terrors.
Luke: Night terrors?
Kirk: Basically, I freak out at beddy-bye. About an hour after I fall asleep, I wake up in panic. Everything around me seems threatening, scary, out to get me. Two nights ago, I was suddenly gripped with the overwhelming feeling that there was an assassin in my house.
Kirk: I had to get out of the room before he got me, so I jumped out of bed and locked my pillow in the bathroom.
Kirk: Because it was a bomb.
Luke: Of course.
Kirk: After neutralizing my pillow, I ran up the stairs, climbed out the bathroom window, scaled the trellis up the side of the house, and hid on the roof...
Kirk: Completely naked.
Luke: Aw, jeez!
Kirk: The worst part of night terrors is it always ends up with me on top of the roof completely naked or running down the street completely naked or swimming in the community-center pool completely naked. That was the time I thought I was on fire.
[on Paris's relationship with Asher Fleming]
Paris: I'm not denying that we've got a May-December romance going on here.
Rory: This is not May-December, this is May - Ming Dynasty.
Paris: An age difference like this is very common. People dating people the same age are passe now.
Rory: My grandfather introduced you to him. Do you see how awkward this is for me?
Paris: Well, hot men tend to run in packs.
Rory: Do not ever say anything like that again.
Rory: Uhh, Barry Manilow.
Lorelai: Ugh, stop.
Rory: Looks like we made it...
Lorelai: Oh, yeah? Spice Girls.
Rory: Duran Duran.
Rory: Olivia Newton John.
Lorelai: The Macarena. You and Lane for hours and hours, for weeks on end.
Rory: Hey, we were mocking. You can't mock the mocking.
Lorelai: All right. It's getting ugly. Let's stop.
Rory: Let's be friends again.
Lorelai: All right.
Lorelai: Stop it.
Sookie: [to Lorelai about Luke] He has had to watch you go from one guy to another, and then the engagement was on, and then the engagement was off, and patiently, he's waited. And in walks this kid and he says "My God, will she date anyone else in the world before she'll date me?"
Logan: You can do anything. You just have to believe in yourself. Did we learn nothing from "Mad Hot Ballroom"?
Lorelai: Well, as Maid of Honor, if you're not there I'm gonna have to get drunk and make out with the best man, who is Rory, so you can see all the very creepy ramifications of your absence here.
[Lorelai and Rory haven't seen each other in a while because of their busy schedules, and are talking on the phone about it]
Lorelai: I'm mad and needy, and I ended up going out to dinner alone with my parents, who bickered the whole time about which Beatle is alive and which is dead.
Rory: So, where'd they land?
Lorelai: John and Keith are dead. Paul and Bingo are still kicking.
Lane: [upset and exasperated with the results of her career aptitude test] Sales!
Rory: It's just a stupid test.
Lane: Lane Kim, you show a genuine aptitude for sales!
Rory: [trying to placate Lane] It doesn't mean anything!
Lane: [speaking even faster than normal] Hello, ma'am, I see you're eyeing the new Whipomatic! Nice Choice! This baby's right off the truck! And let me tell you if you're looking for something to fulfill all your whipping needs, you've come to the right place, because as Devo says, "When trouble comes along you must whip it!" As long as you whip it with a Whipomatic.
Rory: [bemused] Wow, you *are* good.
Lane: Stop it!
Rory: I'll take two.
Lane: I don't want to be in sales.
Rory: You don't have to be.
Lane: I want to be in something cool!
Rory: How about refrigerators?
Lane: You're not funny!
Zach: Welcome to the SH, bitch.
Lorelai: Hi Lane!
Lane: You're in possession.
Lorelai: Of what?
Lane: Of the wedding dress.
Lorelai: Oh, um yeah, it's safe and sound. I was just starting to dig into it.
Lane: Don't dig! Slice, kick, maim, destroy!
Lane: Stick a mad pack of wolves on it, douse it with lighter fluid and turn it into ash, I cannot wear that dress!
Lorelai: Yeah I know. It's a little Old World.
Lane: Have you looked at it?
Lorelai: Parts of it.
Lane: Exactly, you can't take it in all at once, the human eye is not capable.
Lorelai: Oh, it's not that bad.
Lane: Its got pants.
Lorelai: [intakes breath] No!
Lane: You didn't look at it very carefully.
Lorelai: Well, I will remove the pants.
Lane: Oh, it's every girl's dream to hear the woman altering her wedding dress say "I'll remove the pants."
Lorelai: I'm sure once I alter it a little...
Lane: No don't alter it, have an accident! Leave a warm iron on it, spill a vat of acid on it, run your car over it!
Lorelai: Lane. Lane! I haven't even put it on the mannequin yet. Let me startwork on it and I will keep you fully posted every step of the way.
[Later Lorelai is looking at the awful thing, picks up the hoop skirt end and notices the tiny white pants with gold trim underneath, steps away for a second then steps back and spills the coffee she is holding all over it]
Emily: I'm sorry. You were on the phone?
Richard: Long distance.
Lorelai: God lives in London?
Richard: My mother lives in London.
Lorelai: Your mother is God?
Lorelai: So, God *is* a woman.
Lorelai: *And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.
Richard: Make her stop.
Rory: Oh, that I could.
Paris: So I told her, 'Look, Missy - '
Rory: You called your advisor 'Missy?'
Paris: It was attitudinal. I said I'm not taking AP Calculus from Henneman. I'm going with Branch. Branch is a graduate of MIT and Henneman went to Berkeley. Berkeley! I mean, he may have majored in math but what did he minor in? Bean sprouts? Forget it. And I'm telling my advisor all this, Mrs. Schlosser, and I look down in her trash can and there's this half-eaten banana in there. Nothing else. And I pictured her sitting in this shoe box of an office eating a banana all day by herself and I almost felt sorry for her. But then she questioned my judgment about Berkeley so I eviscerated her. I mean, she was welling up at the end, but she had the decency to hold it in until I was gone. I have enough faculty recommendations to run for student council, so I don't need her anyway. My locker's this way.
Richard: [Walking into Dining Room] Sorry, I left work early today. Apparently it caused everyone's IQ to drop 60 points.
Zach: [the band are talking about new replacement, Gil] Right here
[points to his eyes]
Zach: , he's got some lines. That blows my mind.
Brian: What is he, late thirties?
Zach: Approaching forty.
Brian: He was alive before man walked on the moon.
Zach: Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.
Lane: Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.
Zach: He's had a lot of time to practice.
Brian: And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.
Lane: This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...
Brian: He was our age when we were born.
Lane: He thinks we're great
Brian: There were no cd's when he was born.
Zach: Stop it, man. I mean it.
Lane: Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.
Brian: He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.
Zach: And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.
Lane: You want to stop the audition?
Brian: We shouldn't be rude.
Zach: Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.
Lane: I know.
Rory: Can we not say the word college for at least forty-eight hours?
Rory: Thank you.
Lorelai: How 'bout collage, can we say collage? 'Cause it sounds the same but it's actually very different.
Rory: Collage is fine.
Lorelai: Okay, good, 'cause I don't even know how to get through a conversation without the word collage.
Paris: For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name Paris in the same sentence with the word date, jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like 'how' and 'why' and 'Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end.' will immediately fly out of people's mouths.
Reverend: The church is exempt from your town statutes, Taylor.
Rabbi: We answer to a higher authority... like the hot dog.
Reverend: I laugh every time you say that.
Rabbi: I know. Funny is funny.
Taylor: Well, I can guarantee that God does not want this either.
Reverend: Did you hear that, David? Taylor Doose is in direct communication with God.
Rabbi: Thirty years I'm working for God, I haven't received so much as a card.
Reverend: Is it by phone that you speak with him, Taylor?
Rabbi: Do you have a God phone, Taylor?
Taylor: Rabbi, please.
Reverend: What's he like? For us common folk who've never met him?
Rabbi: Is he short, is he tall?
Reverend: Does he like to laugh?
Rabbi: Is the whole shellfish thing really serious? Because, I gotta tell you, some of these Red Lobster commercials...
Brad: Through good times and bad, Chilton formed us, brought us hope, honed our insight, gave us encouragement. Though my time here was briefly interrupted by my period spent on Broadway hanging out with Stephen Sondheim, I still consider Chilton the most rewarding experience of my young life. Now it had always been my plan in closing to recite a short poem I'd written.
Louise: But you reconsidered.
Madline: Come on, Brad. Go out a winner.
Brad: But as I read it aloud, I realized the sentiments I wanted to share with my fellow students were better expressed in a favorite song of mine.
Brad: Cherish is the word I use to describe... bong, bong. Bong, bong.
Rory: Oh, Brad.
Sookie: [petrified] Uncle Ernie hugged me too long!
Zach: Yeah. Dave, you're a Christian. So what? That's cool.
Brian: It's nothing to hide.
Zach: Christians can still rock.
Dave: They can?
Lane: Yeah, yeah, Dave. Christians can still rock, don't hide it.
Zach: Marshall Stacks don't know Christians from atheists.
Dave: Gosh, I just wasn't sure if you guys would be accepting of my devoutness.
Brian: Dave, it's a part of you, and we think you're cool, so it's cool.
Dave: Great. Thanks, guys.
Zach: But no way are we playing Creed, man.
Dave: Oh, no, of course not.
Zach: Or Amy Grant. That's where we draw the line.
Dave: Anyhow, I hadn't seen you in a while, and I thought I'd come down and maybe we could figure something out on this band issue.
Lane: Sure, we could do that.
Dave: Plus, I missed you.
Lane: You did? You missed me?
Dave: Well, yeah. Did you miss me?
Lane: Oh, yeah, definitely. I definitely, definitely missed you.
Dave: Glad and relieved to hear it.
Dave: Thank you. You know, my parents would love these sandwiches. I wish I could bring 'em by but unfortunately they're in private bible study right now.
Dave: Wow, you run really quiet.
Lane: Sorry, I'm sorry about everything.
Lane: The whole night. I had no idea she'd make you play five straight hours without a break.
Dave: It's okay.
Lane: Your hands must be dead.
Dave: They're just a little numb. But I've got these Kurt Cobain calluses now, how cool is that?
Lorelai: I love my little circus freak.
Rory: Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown.
Lorelai: I love ranting Luke.
Zach: Brian's been yammering on about germs and spores for 20 minutes. I'm completely freaked out to touch a microphone ever again.
Brian: I'm just saying, at the end of the night, who cleans them?
Brian: Shut up, Brian.
Gil: Look, man, I only have the babysitter till 6:00, then it's my turn to drive them to Gymboree.
Zach: Dude, you promised you wouldn't talk about the parental issue during band practice.
Gil: We're not having band practice, and it's not a parental issue. It's being part of the cycle of life, and that, my friend, is pure rock 'n' roll.
Zach: Go join "The Polyphonic Spree," you fruitcake.
Brian: I'm just saying my bass strap has a smell.
Michel: I feel like crap on toast.
Lorelai: Mom, it's just a pretend wedding. J-Lo has them all the time.
Lorelai: Oh, you're gonna have to walk faster than that. You're gonna have to turn into friggin' Flo Jo to get away from me.
Madeline Lynn: Paris has gone bye-bye.
[regarding Lorelai's birthday party]
Rory: Oh, I'm sorry. You wanted a party? I told everyone you didn't want to make a big deal out of your birthday this year.
Lorelai: You're not funny.
Rory: Ms. Patty and Babette wanted to hire these two hot guys to carry you around all day and feed you Bon-Bons, and Kirk wanted to hire the Red Hot Chili Peppers to play a concert in the square, but I said "Hey, please, respect the lady's wishes. She deserves that at her age.'"
Lorelai: Why are you so cruel to mama?
Rory: I have to go.
Rory: None of your business.
Lorelai: You *are* planning something for Friday night, aren't you?
Rory: I'll bring back Chinese for dinner.
Lorelai: And you tell people, no matter what they say, I just couldn't accept a new car. It would be beneath me and I would be completely humiliated. And a convertible would just make me fling myself off a building!
Jess: So we just sit on a bench or stare at our shoes.
Rory: So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?
Lorelai: Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbara Streisand will give her final concert... again.
Lorelai: Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.
Michel: Look, I've had my peace with the fact that everyone who calls here is a notch above brain dead, and that the pennies I am thrown each week are in exchange for me dealing with these people in a nonviolent manner. And usually that is fine, but today, sorry lady, I have ennui.
Rory: So how was in seeing Max last night?
Rory: No gory details.
Lorelai: Like I've ever shared that part of my relationship with you.
Rory: You've alluded, you've insinuated, you have tiptoed to the brink of impropriety.
Lorelai: Hm, that Chilton has taught you some big words.
Rory: That's kind of the point.
Lorelai: Someone hit you with a pretty stick.
Lorelai: Okay, so, don't wait up and remember only 2 or 3 crack heads at the most, they eat all the good cereal.
Lorelai: No, Mom, I'm shopping for Rory. You're shopping for your imaginary granddaughter, Barbara Hutton.
Lorelai: Be good. Ooh. Make sure you look in somebody's sock drawers. Rich people have hilarious sock drawers.
[Sookie is getting ready to go on her first date with Jackson]
Sookie: I'm scared.
Lorelai: I know.
Sookie: I like him.
Lorelai: He likes you.
Sookie: How do you know he's not being polite?
Sookie: No, I mean it. It's like I cornered him and he felt trapped and he had to say yes.
Lorelai: He did not have to say yes.
Sookie: Oh my God. Technically, I am his employer.
Sookie: I am. I buy his wares. His livelihood depends on me.
Sookie: Oh! I'm a sexual harasser!
Lorelai: Well, then you need some false eyelashes.
Sookie: This isn't funny. I am now desperate, lonely and a criminal.
Lorelai: Kirk asked me out.
Rory: Shut up!
Rory: That's so sweet!
Rory: What are you gonna wear? Ooh, you should wear your dress with the ponies on it, I bet he likes ponies.
Lorelai: You're not serious.
Rory: I bet you'll have a good time.
Lorelai: "Hello, headmaster Charleston, this is my stepdad, Kirk. Try not to make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter!"
Rory: OK, so how are you gonna let him down?
Rory: ...I want you to come over here to this dresser, open up the top drawer and take out everything that you'd be embarrassed to be wearing during a car accident. Meet me downstairs. Move.
Richard: If my wife wants the first cup of tea, she is going to get the first cup of tea.
Luke: Well, Taylor, I'm a two inch kinda guy.
Rory: [to Lorelai] This from a woman with a Hello Kitty waffle iron.
Richard: How's he supposed to... after being out all night with some cheap tramp?
Alan: Knowing Henry, she wasn't cheap.
Lorelai: I do know that Istanbul is Constantinople. So, if you have a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Istanbul.
Mrs. Kim: Watch it. You break it, you buy it. Ten percent off for cousins, twenty percent off for nephews and nieces.
Jess: Excuse me Edgar Bergin, I think I'd like Charlie McCarthy to answer now.
Jess: You're having your vertical "From Here To Eternity" moment right in front of the super glue.
Lorelai: Come on, Rory. We will be going to dinner there next week and every week for the rest of our lives. And I mean the rest of our lives, because my parents will outlive us. The damned can do that.
Emily: I've called several times the past few weeks and you've skillfully avoided every call.
Lorelai: No, that's not true. I've left messages on your machine.
Emily: Yes, messages. And then if I happened to pick up, you'd hang up. Or if the maid picked up, you'd ask for me, then claim you were driving through a tunnel so you might get cut off, and then you'd make garbling noises and hang up.
Rory: Okay, I am planning this wedding without you. You will have no say and I may not even let you come.
Rory: [Paris is looking over Rory's shoulder while she's reading] Paris, please don't compare our reading times again. You're fast, I'm slow, enjoy your trophy.
Lorelai: [Rory wants Lorelai to have a separate dinner with Emily while she has a dinner with Richard] Can't I take the butler? He doesn't talk much, and, as far as I know, he thoroughly enjoys the way I dress.
Emily: Walk as you babble please.
Luke: This is Stars Hollow. You take three left turns and you're back in the center of town.
Lorelai: As soon as they both get tired of saying 'No, you're prettier' to each other, then the night's over.
Lorelai: Well, since you still haven't told me what exactly it is that you do, I'm gonna go with yoga instructor or chiropractor.
Christopher: No, it's actually pretty interesting. I'm working for this firm that helps those overblown tech companies scale back and stay afloat now that they're facing leaner times.
Lorelai: I'm sorry, uh, what's the interesting part?
Christopher: We dress like superheroes when we do it.
Rory: Note to self: impulsive definitely does not work for me.
[while studying for exams]
Rory: Okay. You should get back to your studying.
Lorelai: Fine. Oh, great.
Lorelai: I think I've already forgotten everything I read in the last two hours.
Rory: No, you haven't.
Lorelai: Yes, I have. In fact, I may have forgotten everything that I've ever known. Child, what be your name?
Michel: I will never go near those filthy birds.
Michel: I hate the swans.
Lorelai: These particular swans?
Michel: No, all swans. I was attacked by a band of swans in the Luxembourg Gardens when I was a boy. No one forgets that.
Lorelai: [laughing] Oh no - not being attacked by a band of swans. Was it an all-boy band? Kind of a scary, feathery *NSYNC kind of fiasco?
Michel: This is not funny.
Rory: [reading titles of travel books] "Selected Hotels of Europe," "Hotels, Restaurants and Inns of Great Britain and Ireland, 1986", "Myra Waldo's Travel and Motoring Guide to Europe, '78."
Lorelai: Wow, these will be an enormous help in planning our trip. Hey, you wanna go see the Berlin Wall?
Rory: Sounds great.
Young Christopher: Let's celebrate.
Young Lorelai: Celebrate what?
Young Christopher: No more midterms.
Young Lorelai: Hear, hear.
Young Christopher: Okay, I say that we drink to it.
Young Lorelai: Hear, hear.
Young Christopher: Scotch, vodka, or gin?
Young Lorelai: Hear, hear.
Young Christopher: Okay.
Young Lorelai: And put a cherry in it.
[after Michel has begged Lorelai to take him to an auction run by her mother]
Lorelai: Michel, if you wanna go to this auction, you have to be in the lobby at six o'clock Friday morning. You have to hand out towels and water bottles, you have to show them the hiking trails, and you have to let them give you a nature name.
Michel: Fine, I will let them give me a nature name.
Lorelai: All right, then, you can come.
Michel: Thank you.
Michel: You cannot give them suggestions.
Paris: Pack up the chastity belt, Gilmore. You're going to Harvard.
Rory: I need you, I need you here, I need you now. I cannot do this alone. I need my Mommy, and dammit, I don't care who knows it.
[Luke's deceased Uncle Louie is being buried with his prized possessions]
Luke: Taylor and the guys were right. I was cutting Louie slack out of respect for my dad, but the man was rotten and mean and selfish all his life. For God's sake, he's even selfish in death. Other people would've loved to have had those baseball cards. I would've loved to have those baseball cards. He's got Lou Gehrig's rookie card, Joe DiMaggio, Willie Mays, tons of others - but no. My uncle, King Tut, has to take all of them to the afterlife with him.
[Kirk is sitting at a table with a cup of coffee. Luke is trying to give him his check]
Luke: You've been sitting there for two hours.
Kirk: I just want a little more coffee.
Luke: You've had eight refills.
Kirk: You know, in France, when you sit and order, you can have the table as long as you want.
Luke: I bet you know what I'm gonna say next.
Kirk: That we're not in France?
Luke: Give or take a profanity.
Kirk: Fine, I'll go. Can I have my check?
[Luke picks up the check already on the table and slams it down]
Paris: I didn't get into Harvard. I had SEX, but I didn't get into Harvard. If you had asked me last year which I thought was more likely, it WOULD NOT have been not getting into Harvard.
Luke: I'm closing down the diner for a couple of weeks and taking Nicole on a little trip.
Luke: We're driving through Western Canada and then taking a cruise up to Alaska.
Rory: A cruise?
Luke: I guess. Is it?
Lorelai: [singing] The Love Boat.
Lorelai: A cruise is a good spot to get down on one knee.
Luke: And do my ventriloquist act?
Lorelai: [walking into Luke's diner] Give me a burger, onion rings, cheese fries, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I'm lookin' for some heroes.
Kirk: If you'll just follow me, I would like to present you with my new line of one-of-a-kind mailboxes.
Lorelai: Wow. They look very nice, Kirk.
Kirk: And whimsical. They say to the world, "I'll take my mail with a smile."
Lorelai: Yes, they do say that.
Kirk: And since you are one of our preferred customers, with the purchase of one of our mailboxes, I'll throw in a carved-duck doorstop and a garlic peeler.
Lorelai: Wow. That's quite an offer, Kirk. But I think it's a little early to pick a mailbox. We haven't even settled on a color for the inn yet.
Kirk: Well, whimsy goes with everything.
Lorelai: Kirk, I promise, just as soon as... is that Condoleezza Rice?
Kirk: Yes, it is. I'm a fan and her big mouth is perfect for shoving mail in.
Jason: And trust me: nothing bonds two businessmen together more than one of them finding the other hungover with a hooker in their bed the next morning.
Rory: Janet's out jogging so I don't know what she thinks, but I have to hope she's pleased 'cause that girl's in shape and can kick my butt.
Lorelai: Well, just make sure there's something she likes on the TV when she gets home. Something soothing to runners - maybe something that goes in a circle over and over.
Sookie: A child is not a duvet cover. You can't just take it back if it doesn't like you.
Lorelai: Luckily, duvet covers notoriously like whoever they go home with. They're like golden retrievers.
Sookie: You know what happens when kids don't like you? They tie you to a chair. They brain you with a bat. They set fire to the house and blame it on the neighbors.
Lorelai: Wow, now you can't have kids or live next door to them.
Lorelai: All right, I should go. I called Luke last night and he made me promise to get the truck back by two hours ago, so if I leave now it's sooner than I planned.
Rory: If we were caught smuggling hash over the border and we were thrown in some Turkish prison, wouldn't you want someone to know that we were in Turkey?
Lorelai: Where'd we get this hash we were smuggling?
Rory: You were at a café, you met a guy, he was sweet-talking you, he put the stuff in your purse when you weren't looking.
Lorelai: At least tell me he was cute.
Rory: He was not bad for a hash dealer.
Paris: Gandalf the Grey is still falling down that hole; it's a big hole!
Rory: That had all the tact of a Nazi Storm Trooper.
Lorelai: Someday, when you're a little older, you'll be introduced to something that is extremely seductive but fickle. A fair weather friend who seems benigned but packs a whallop like a donkey kick, and that is the Long Island Ice Tea. The Long Island Ice Tea makes you do things you normally wouldn't do, like lifting your skirt in public or calling someone you normally wouldn't call at really weird times.
Paris: Ladies, thank you for seeing me. I know you're busy with work and have families to get home to, so I really appreciate your courtesy, and I'll make it brief. Having Grad Night on a yacht is the worst idea since Neville Chamberlain told the people of England, "Hey, don't worry about Hitler. He's a stand-up chap." Forget the inconvenience of being at sea with guests unable to leave if the party is dull or if the band, which will inevitably be composed of accountants with semi-mullets, decides to do a half-hour tribute to Kenny G. The seasickness factor alone, abetted by snuck-in flasks and badly cooked food, could lead to an epidemic, which may lead to lawsuits the school could ill afford. These points conclusively call for a change in venue to a hotel ballroom, a restaurant facility, several of which I've already called. Here are the results of my research. I've also included a list of maritime disasters from the past fifty years - capsizings, onboard fires, et cetera - and trust me, it'll put you off your lunch. Thank you for your time and cooperation.
[Kirk's planning the annual Stars Hollow Firelight Festival]
Kirk: After we light the bonfire, the dancers should come through.
Miss Patty: Okay, Kirk.
Kirk: They'll circle the gazebo. Jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands. Then out come the flaming batons.
Miss Patty: That sounds good, Kirk.
Kirk: Are you ignoring me?
Miss Patty: Since you were old enough to walk, Kirk.
Michel: People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them.
Lorelai: Luke, we sleep around here. Okay, we like it. It makes us pretty and keeps us from killing our crazy friends.
Taylor: All right, the nays have it. Let the record reflect it. Lorelai, I hope that's not food in those bags. Food is not allowed at town meetings.
Lorelai: No, Taylor. It's not. It's, um, diapers for the little ones.
Lorelai: Dorsal fins and Cucamonga.
Taylor: What did she say?
Lorelai: [whispers to Max] I confuse him till he loses his train of thought and then he moves on. Hot dog?
Taylor: I don't get this, people. This man is practically a vagrant. I mean, where do you even live? What do you do for a living?
Grant, the 1st Troubadour: I don't want people to know those things!
Taylor: Why not?
Grant, the 1st Troubadour: Because that's part of being a troubadour.
Taylor: What is part of being a troubadour?
Grant, the 1st Troubadour: The mystique!
Taylor: Oh, this is absolutely ridiculous. Do you subscribe to this troubadour mystique?
The 2nd Troubadour: I run a Kinko's in Groton.
Grant, the 1st Troubadour: You see, that proves it. He doesn't respect the code. You're not supposed to talk. You're not supposed to run a Kinko's. You're supposed to speak through your music. That's the whole point.
Lorelai: [upon entering the church] Would it kill God to dust?
[Rory is supposed to be swiping ID cards for the cafeteria, but she is reading and not paying attention]
Glenn: Hey, Rory, if you're gonna completely ignore me, I might as well go hang out with my ex-girlfriend. Same thing.
Rory: Oh, sorry, Glenn.
[swipes his card]
Glenn: Everyone is going to be sorry one day - everyone.
Rory: You really gotta stop watching "Taxi Driver," Glenn.
[weeping over the death of Fran Weston]
Miss Patty: It's times like these that you realize what is *truly* important in your life. I'm so glad I had all that sex.
Taylor: "The Last Supper" cannot be funky.
Sookie: Call me Belinda, 'cause my lips are sealed!
[Having moved into the pool house, Richard now has his own valet/butler, Robert]
Rory: Do you think he's happy?
Lorelai: I do. I think he's very happy out here with his books and his special friend, Robert.
Rory: Don't be gross.
Lorelai: What? I'm just saying two grown men out here alone with Hungarian cheese and swim trunks...
Rory: Oh, jeez.
Lorelai: Don't be so puritanical. After all, Heather has two mommies.
Rory: [At a town council meeting] That woman's staring at me.
Lorelai: Oh, Mrs. Van-uppity? Well, maybe you're just her type.
Lorelai: [after the woman staring at Rory is introduced to give a speech] Hey, it's your future wife.
Rory: Shut up.
Lorelai: [Finally, as the meeting breaks up] Wait.
Lorelai: I wanna see if she asks you out.
[Max and Lorelai are talking on the phone, Max is in the Teacher's Lounge at Chilton]
Lorelai: Grunt like a gorilla.
Max: I will not grunt like a gorilla.
Lorelai: If you grunt like a gorilla I'll tell you what color underwear I'm wearing.
Lorelai: [pause] Had you considering the grunt, didn't I?
Lorelai: Boy, I'm good.
[Logan and Colin storm Rory's class and pretend to fight over her. Finn enters dressed as an English policeman]
Finn: All right, that's enough, break it up, you two!
[pulls Colin and Logan up by their collars]
Finn: Rory Gilmore, you should be ashamed of yourself. Toying with these boys like this. They used to have pride. They used to have dignity. They used to have balls. Damn it Gilmore, give 'em back their balls!
[Lorelai is organizing a wedding at the Independence Inn for two bratty twin brides, and their mother is getting stressed]
Mrs. Shales: [to Lorelai] Do you have children?
Lorelai: I have a daughter.
Mrs. Shales: Do you hate her?
Mrs. Shales: Not ever?
Lorelai: Well, I wasn't wildly fond of her during labor.
Mrs. Shales: That was the high point for me.
[Miss Patty's ballerinas are practising walking around with books on their heads]
Miss Patty: Now, walk smooth. That's the new Harry Potter on your heads. If they should drop, Harry will die, and there won't be anymore books.
French Businessman: [walks up to the front desk] Bonjour, monsieur. Vous Ítes FranÁais? Vous parlez FranÁais?
[Hello, sir. Are you French, do you speak French?]
Michel: No, sorry.
French Businessman: Mais vous avez une accent FranÁais. Vous parlez pas FranÁais?
[but you have a French accent. Don't you speak French?]
Michel: Sir, I'm just a simple country boy from Texas. I do not understand this "FranÁais" business you're babbling about.
Lorelai: [approaches] Pardon.
[takes Michel aside]
Lorelai: He knows you are not from Texas.
Michel: [looking over at the businessmen] Smile when you say that.
Lorelai: Michel, I told you there would be a French group here for a couple of days, and it's your job to keep them happy.
Michel: Lorelai, I don't know how many French people you've met over the years, but most of them are insufferable.
Lorelai: [sarcastically] Really?
Michel: Mm. That is why I left France.
Lorelai: Huh. I thought it had something to do with the torches and the villagers. Michel, talk to them.
[turns away from Lorelai, she just glares at him]
Michel: You are giving me that look, aren't you? Your patented "Do it or something unspeakable shall befall you" look.
Michel: Fine, I shall be French, but I shall not be happy.
Lorelai: Then you will be yourself. Good choice.
Michel: [trudges over to the businessmen] Bonjour, messieurs. Je m'appelle Michel, ce soir pour vous aider.
[Hello, gentlemen, my name is Michel, I am here to assist you]
French Businessman: [laughs] Vous avez fait un blague to?t . l'heure! TrËs drÙle, trËs drÙle, Michel!
[you played a joke just now! Very funny, very funny!]
French Businessman: [kisses both his cheeks]
Michel: [pretends to laugh, to Lorelai] Kill me now.
Lorelai: Are you two completely out of your mind? There is a ceremony going on in there. Young girls in ugly dresses and stupid fans are parading around in circles for God knows what reason, and you two are ruining it.
Lorelai: I thought all butlers' names were Jeeves.
Kirk: Man, I wish my mom would let me have a car, or a bike... or my roller skates back.
Kirk: I love carrot sticks, especially the crinkle cut kind.
Lorelai: Women don't eat at all. They just look at food then jump on the treadmill.
Paris: [talking to her maid in Portuguese about eating at Rory's] Mucho Mac n' cheese!
Rory: [at town meeting, during the town-troubadour debate] ... sometimes you have something you need to say but you can't, because the words won't come out or you get scared or you feel stupid. So, if you could write a song and sing it, then you could say what you need to say and it would be beautiful and people would listen and you wouldn't make a complete idiot out of yourself. But all of us can't be songwriters, so some of us will never be able to say what we're thinking or what we want other people to know we're thinking, so we'll never be able to get the chance to make things right again...
Sookie: I got the idea in a dream. I was back in cooking school, and I was late for my final, so I run over to an oven and I open it up and sitting there is the s'mores wedding cake. And I present it to my teacher, and he starts weeping, and the whole class starts applauding and cheering. And then, of course, Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise come leaping out of the cake screaming about how amazing it is, so that made the whole thing a little creepy, but up until then...
Lorelai: [while on the phone with each other, Lorelei and Rory are watching their Roombas together] Is this more or less fun than watching the same TV show at the same time?
Rory: I think more.
Lorelai: If we were to die right now and decompose, they would vacuum us up. No one would ever know.
Luke: [rushing to leave the diner so he can remove the chuppah from Lorelai's yard after she and Max break up] Hey, we're closing early! Chew it or lose it!
Kyon: What are we doing here?
Lane: I've tried to explain it to her but it is not working.
Rory: We are throwing my grandmother a bachelorette party.
Kyon: But she is married.
Rory: Yeah, but, they are doing it again.
Kyon: But why?
Rory: Because, they want to tell each other they love each other all over again.
Kyon: But why?
Rory: 'Cause they do.
Kyon: But why?
Rory: Because its fun.
Kyon: But why?
[looks at Lane]
Lane: Hey, you lasted one more "but why" than I did.
Lorelai: [on telephone] Hi, yes. I was at your auction yesterday. I was wondering if you could help me? I met a man there, and I would like to contact him, but I didn't get his name and I was wondering if you could look it up for me. He was paddle number 17 and - oh. Right. Confidential. Got it. Well, you know, actually, I misspoke earlier because this isn't a complete stranger I'm trying to contact here. He's an old friend from school - Good question. Well, I don't know his name because I only knew him by his nickname. Shamu. We called him Shamu. Kind of a big guy in high school, he's slimmed down quite a bit. No, see, I don't have time to contact the high school alumni committee because time is of the essence! See, Shamu and I went into a liquor store after the auction and we bought a lottery ticket together, and we tore it, and I took half and he took half, and I'll be damned if the thing didn't win! Fourteen million dollars! Really. But see, we have to claim it by 4pm today or we forfeit - Ah. Yes. Oh. Well. But there's one more thing I forgot to tell you. See, um, my blood type is O negative and he's O negative and I have a medical condition that - Alright then. Well, thank you anyway. Bye.
Lorelai: Hey, Kirk, discover a new freaky fetish?
Rory: Nothing. You buy a cat?
Kirk: Yup! I'm very excited.
Lorelai: You seem it. So what's all this?
Rory: I'm assuming there's nothing left in the store.
Kirk: Actually, there are a number of things left.
Rory: No, I meant, you seem to be buying a lot of stuff.
Kirk: Oh. Sorry. My excitement must be clouding my ability to judge comedic hyperbole.
Anna: [after Rory shooed away two college guys, whining] Rory!
Anna: Well that's not fair. You get to talk to boys!
Anna: You were over there, talking to Marty.
Rory: [laughs] That's different. Marty's just a friend. Which is another great thing about college. You learn to have guy friends. Nothing romantic, just a good pal.
[Marty looks pained]
Rory: Those boys are not interested in your friendship, unless the word "friendship" is tattooed on your butt. Now drink your coffee.
[they take a sip]
Rory: It's good, huh?