Captain O'Hagan: There was a time when we'd take a guy like you in the back and beat you with a hose. Now you've got your God-damned unions.

Farva: Cap'n... you know I'm not a pro-union guy.

Captain O'Hagan: I swear to God I'll pistol whip the next guy who says "Shenanigans."

Mac: Hey Farva what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?

Farva: You mean Shenanigans?



[as they offer the Captain their pistols]

[Foster and Mac have pulled a man over for speeding and are deciding what game to play]

Mac: All right, how about "Cat Game?"

Foster: Cat Game? What's the record?

Mac: Thorny did six, but I think you can do ten.

Foster: Ten? Starting right 'meow?'

[Mac laughs - they walk up to the car, and Foster taps on the driver side]

Larry Johnson: Sorry about the...

Foster: All right meow. (1) Hand over your license and registration.

[the man hands him his license]

Foster: Your registration? Hurry up meow. (2)

[Mac ticks off two fingers]

Larry Johnson: Sorry.

[the man laughs a little]

Foster: Is there something funny here boy?

Larry Johnson: Oh, no.

Foster: Then why you laughing, Mister... Larry Johnson?


Foster: All right meow, (3) where were we?

Larry Johnson: Excuse me, are you saying meow?

Foster: Am I saying meow?

[Mac puts his hands up for the fourth one, but makes an "eehhh" facial expression, as he is considering the last one]

Larry Johnson: I thought...

Foster: Don't think boy. Meow, (4) do you know how fast you were going?

[man laughs]

Foster: Meow. (5) What is so damn funny?

Larry Johnson: I could have sworn you said meow.

Foster: Do I look like a cat to you, boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree?

[Mac is gut-busting laughing]

Foster: Am I drinking milk from a saucer?

[feigned anger]

Foster: Do you see me eating mice?

Foster: [Mac and the man are laughing their heads off now] You stop laughing right meow! (6)

Larry Johnson: [the man stops and swallows hard] Yes sir.

Foster: Meow, (7) I'm gonna have to give you a ticket on this one. No buts meow. (8) It's the law.

[rips off the ticket and hands it to the man]

Foster: Not so funny meow, (9) is it?

Foster: [Foster gets up to leave, but Mac shakes his hands at him, indicating only nine meows] Meow! (10)

Farva: Hey, let's pop some Viagras and issue tickets with raging, mega-huge boners.

Thorny: You know, Farva, only you can make a dark man blush. And no, we're not doing it.

Farva: Give me a double bacon cheeseburger.

Dimpus Burger Guy: [into mic] Double baco cheeseburger. It's for a cop.

Farva: What the hell's that all about? You gonna spit in it now?

Dimpus Burger Guy: No, I just told him that so he makes it good.

[into mic]

Dimpus Burger Guy: Don't spit in that cop's burger.

Farva: Yeah, thanks.

Second Dimpus Guy: Roger, holding the spit.

Farva: Gimme a pie... apple.

Dimpus Burger Guy: Want me to hold the spit? Hah, just kidding officer Farva.


Dimpus Burger Guy: Want me to dimpa-size your meal for 25 cents?

Farva: Want me to punch-a-size your face, for free?

Dimpus Burger Guy: It's only 25 cents, and look how much more you get.

Thorny: Look, kid, he doesn't want it.

Farva: I can handle this, Thorn. I don't want it!

Dimpus Burger Guy: Uhh, right. Beverage?

Farva: Gimme a litre o' cola.

Dimpus Burger Guy: What?

Farva: [Annoyed] A litre o' cola.

Dimpus Burger Guy: [into mic] Litrecola? Do we sell litrecola?

Thorny: Will you just order a large, Farva?

Farva: I don't want a large farva. I want a goddamn litre o' cola!

Dimpus Burger Guy: [to Farva] I don't know what that is!

Farva: [slowly starts shouting] Litre is French for...

[grabs burger kid by shirt]

Farva: ... give me my fuckin' cola before I break VOUS FUCKIN' LIP!

College Boy 3: [licking back window of police car] The snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Farva: License and registration... chicken fucker.

Captain O'Hagan: [In an Irish accent] I'll believe ya when me shit turns purple and smells like rainbow sherbet.

[a man appears to be having sex with a bear in the woods]

Officer Smy: Bear... bearfucker, do you need assistance?

Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun!

Thorny: [referring to Farva] Yeah, and his shenanigans are cruel and tragic.

Foster: [after a pause] Which... makes them not really shenanigans at all.

Mac: [in a silly voice] Evil shenanigans!

[Mac gets shot in the crotch while wearing the steel cup ]

Foster: How you feelin' there, Mac?

Mac: Good enough... to fuck... your mother.

Mac: Oh, c'mon, we're like the sons you never had.

Captain O'Hagan: If you were my son, Mac, I would've smothered you by now.

Mac: Smothered me in gravy you big dirty man.

Police Chief Grady: I will have the enchilada platter with two tacos and no guacamoles. Smy?

Officer Smy: Yeah, chief. I'll have a CHINCHILLA!

Rabbit: I don't get it. Tacos?

Thorny: They think I'm Mexican.

Rabbit: You're not Mexican?

Thorny: It stinks like sex in here.

Thorny: Are you okay?

College Boy 2: Yeah, sure.

Thorny: Yes sir?

College Boy 2: Yes sir.

Thorny: No, did you say "yes sir."?

Rabbit: I think he said "yeah, sure."

College Boy 1: What'd you say man?

College Boy 2: When I said, "yeah, sure", but what... literally what I said was "yeah, sure, sir."

Thorny: So you are okay then?

College Boy 2: Yes sir.

[sounds like "yeah sure"]

Police Chief Grady: Desperation is a stinky cologne.

Thorny: Where are your shoes?

Foster: What are you, the shoe police?

Thorny: I am, and you owe me 20 laps around the bar.

Foster: Black magic only works on the rookie.

Thorny: That's brown magic.

Farva: Who can say "meow" the most? You guys are real crazy, hey look out for these guys.

Farva: Hell I can say "meow". I can say "moo", for twenty bucks I'll call the guy a chickenfucker.

Captain O'Hagan: Bulletproof cup, huh? I invented this gag, Rabbit. Only in my day, the rookie got naked.

[fires through the window, accidentally shooting out the glass]

Captain O'Hagan: And we also used blanks. You're a sick motherfucker, Mac.

Mac: Thanks, Chief!

Foster: Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer? DO YOU SEE ME EATING MICE?

Farva: Just cleaning out the old locker, she stinks like ass but I'll sure miss her... I guess you could say that about all my girls.

Foster: Okie silly dilly dokie-o. I'm an idiot.

Mac: That's true.

Rabbit: [lifting soap out of coffee] Oh, look, a bar of soap.

Farva: Oohoohoh shit. I got you good, you fucker!

Mac: Awesome prank, Farva.

Farva: Better'n the crap you pull, Mac.

[Farva brings the boys a round of coffee, and has left a surprise in Rabbit's]

Rabbit: [dryly] Oh, look, a bar of soap.

Farva: Oh, shit, I got you good, you fucker!

Mac: *Awesome* prank, Farva.

Farva: Better than the crap you pull, Mac!

Captain O'Hagan: Look, fellas...

Mac: [to Rabbit] Bite it, rook! You'll make him look like a dick!

Rabbit: Nah...

Captain O'Hagan: Every Thursday night I walk into the lodge to play Hearts...

[Mac persists in goading Rabbit as O'Hagan continues]

Mac: Seriously, rook, bite it. Do it. Don't be a wuss!

Captain O'Hagan: ...and they always have my Old-Fashioned just waiting there...

Mac: Don't be a wuss, bite it!

Captain O'Hagan: ...I like that. I like it here...

Mac: Bite it. Bite it!

Captain O'Hagan: [Fed up] Oh, hell! Give me the goddamn soap!

[He grabs the soap, takes a bite, and spits it at Mac]

[Ursula meets Foster at a restaurant. Ursula is dressed as a biker, Foster is dressed as a cyclist]

Foster: Ah, biker. I'm such an idiot.

Thorny: Littering and... littering and... littering and smokin' the reefer.

Foster: [explaining his low number of citations issued] I can't make them speed.

Captain O'Hagan: Try hiding.

Rabbit: [referring to the Johnny Chimpo cartoon] It's really funny, Cap! It's Afghanistanimation.

Mac: You boys like Mex-i-co? Yee- Haww!.

Farva: It doesn't matter cause I'm going to win ten million dollars.

Thorny: What are you going to do with ten million dollars, and you can't say buy the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Farva: I'd buy a ten million dollar car.

Thorny: That's a good investment but I'd still pull you over.

Farva: Bull Shit. You couldn't pull me over, and even if you did I'd activate my car's wings and I'd fly away.

[Farva pulls off ticket from cup and pop spills all over him from the hole behind the ticket]

Farva: Dammit, you burger punk. You son of a bitch!

Ursula: [talking into voice filter] Freeze motherfucker.

Foster: Oh, god, please don't shoot me. I'm naked.

Ursula: Drop your coat and grab your toes.

Foster: What?

Ursula: I'm gonna show you where the wild goos goes.

Foster: Uh, this isn't happening. I'm a police officer. Ursula, help.

Ursula: Baby, I'm gonna butter your bread.

[Foster turns, sees Ursula is "holding him up"]

Ursula: [still talking into the voice filter] You don't have these at your station?

Foster: [grabs the voice filtrator, and speaks into it] I don't suppose you have a fresh pair of underwear I can borrow?

Ursula: I'm not sure you could fit into my panties.

Mac: ...And that was the second time I got crabs.

Farva: MacAttack, wanna go punch for punch?

[Mac punches Farva in the stomach]

Farva: Oooh good one, I did not specify. Never shit a shitter.

[Ursula walks by]

Farva: Lady in blue comin' through.

Thorny: [car speeds past while Thorny is talking to potheads] Mother of God.

Thorny: [after pulling car over] Do you know how fast you were going back there?

College Boy 1: Umm... 65?

Thorny: 63.

College Boy 1: But... isn't the speed limit 65?

Thorny: Yes, it is.

College Boy 3: [stoned] I'm freakin' out, man!

Thorny: Smell that, Rabbit?

Rabbit: *sniff sniff*... fear.

[finishes reading the Governor's letter]

Captain O'Hagan: "Due to our tight fiscal situation, we regret to inform you we are still going to have to close your station. Good luck in Sherbourne, John. And give your men my best. Sincerely, Governor Fuckhead."

Officer Smy: Ursula, what the fuck? There's no TP in the bathroom!

Ursula: What about the piece stuck to your shoe?

Officer Smy: What ABOUT the piece stuck to my shoe?

[Looks down]

Officer Smy: SHIT!

Ursula: [Stifles a laugh]

Officer Smy: You know, you might get ahead around here if you made the extra effort.

Ursula: Oh why... did you want me to wipe your ass?

Officer Smy: [Flustered] That's not what I meant!

[With a pompous gesture]

Officer Smy: Well around MY house, my wife knows to refill the TP.

Ursula: I'm not your wife, Smy.

Officer Smy: No, and if you were, I'd take you down a peg or two.

Ursula: Oooooooh.

Ursula: You're not going to tell anybody about this?

Foster: I already told my mom.

Thorny: Littering and smoking the reefer. Now to teach you boys a lesson, me and officer Rabbit are going to stand here while you three smoke the whole bag.

College Boy 3: [Just ate a bag of weed and a bag of shrooms] Oh please no.

Police Chief Grady: John, I'm glad you called. Listen, I have Bobby the Baboon in lockup, and he says that for 20 bananas, he'll provide evidence that John Chimpo is the pimp in charge of the Cartoon Network whorehouse.

Farva: Say car Ram-Rod.

College Boy 2: Dude, you didn't eat both those bags did you?

College Boy 3: [Mouth full of drugs] Call Guinness!

Officer Smy: [to Ursula] If you were my wife, I'd take you down a peg or two.

[to Foster]

Officer Smy: Hey douche bag.

Foster: [to Ursula] If you were my wife, I'd massage your feet 'til you fell asleep.

Ursula: Nice try.

Police Chief Grady: I'm sorry about that delousing. Just standard procedure.

Farva: It's powdered sugar.

Police Chief Grady: The lice hate the sugar.

Farva: [deadpanning] It's delicious.

Captain O'Hagan: I'm sorry, Bruce. These boys get that syrup in 'em, they get all antsy in their pantsy.

Farva: What's this?

[playing with cloth]

Rabbit: A chamois cloth.

Farva: Ha. Lucky guess. I just lost a buck. To myself.

Foster: We could be like Cagney and Lacey.

Ursula: Right. Except Cagney and Lacey were both women.


Foster: I could be Lacey.

[College Boy 3 appears from closet, encounters cops]

College Boy 3: I love acid... Cops.

Complaining Fan: Move that gigantic cotton candy!

Local Officer Rando: God dammit!

[hits man with cotton candy]

Local Officer Rando: How's the view from sugar heaven, bitch?

Farva: Who wants cream? Nobody? Okay, no cream.

[College Boy 3 is licking the dividing window in the cop car and says]

College Boy 3: The Snozzberries taste like Snozzberries.

Mac: Your mother should've swallowed you, Rando!

Thorny: Say Farva, you wanna take this dispatch?

Farva: Hell, yeah!

Thorny: Yeah, I bet you would.

College Boy 3: [shouts] Candy bars!

Rabbit: You gonna set my country music award on fire?

College Boy 3: [stoned] I'm freakin' out, man!

Rabbit: Yes, you are freaking out... man.

Thorny: I'll give you the fat guy for Foster. And uh, how about that stupid guy for Rabbit.

Ursula: Well, you're going to have to be more specific, they're both kind of fat and stupid.

[first lines]

College Boy 2: No, man, I'm just saying... I'm sayin', if-if you own beachfront property, right, do you own, like, the sand and the water?

College Boy 3: Nobody owns the water. God owns - it's God's water.

Captain O'Hagan: We should have taken him out the back and shot him a long time ago.

Captain O'Hagan: Did you guys put in for any transfers yet?

Mac: I applied for a guard job - at the post office.

[collective groan]

Thorny: Hey, you'll finally be able to shoot someone.

Thorny: [points to his lips, referring to the lipstick Rabbit has on his lips and cheeks] Hey Rabbit.

Rabbit: Yeah, I know. You've got beautiful, big brown lips.

Thorny: Where you boys headed?

College Boy 1: Canada... we were goin' to Canada for some French fries and gravy, sir.

Thorny: Canada, huh? Almost made it.

Captain O'Hagan: [Drunk, peeing into a man's car after pulling him over] When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Farva: I'm not even gonna dignify myself with a response to that.

Mac: You boys like Mex-ee-co? YEEEE-HOO!

Mac: But our shenanigans are cheeky and fun

Thorny: And his shenanigans are cruel and tragic

College Boy 2: You must have eaten, like, a hundred bucks worth of pot, and, like, 30 bucks worth of shrooms man.

Thorny: Who wants a moustache ride?

German Woman: Ooh, I vant von!

German Man: I do! I do!

Farva: Don't call me radio, unit 91.

Mac: Then don't call me unit 91, radio.

Farva: Are you done?

Thorny: [finishes Syrup, slams bottle on table] I am all that is man!

[Rabbit struggles to Finish]

Mac: What's a-matter Rabbit, your mother teach you to Chug?

Foster: You crapped on my heart.

Foster: [Drunk] Hey, so, Ursula, what's uh, what's goin' on?

Ursula: Don't use that boyfriend voice with me.

Mac: No, Farva, you are under arrest for being a complete and total fuckhead.

Foster: Ain't so funny meow is it?

Farva: Gimme a litre o' cola.

Dimpus Burger Guy: What?

Farva: A litre o' cola.

Thorny: Just order a large, Farva.

Farva: I don't want a large Farva. I want a goddamn litre o' cola.

Dimpus Burger Guy: I don't know what that is.

Farva: Litre is French for give me some fucking cola before I break vous fucking lips!

Rabbit: Holy shit, it's a cool Winnebago.

Rabbit: A number one top gun, in the name of justice, John Q. Public can trust us. Hail to thee dear old Paroon, hail to thee.

All: Hail to thee!

Rabbit: Hail to thee!

Rabbit: See, a lot of drug dealers use stickers to mark their products. Like a brand name.

Farva: See? Where'd you learn that, Cheech? Drug school?

Captain O'Hagan: Shut up, Farva.

[to Rabbit]

Captain O'Hagan: Did that bag you pulled off these College kids have that sticker?

Rabbit: Uummm...

[secretly looks at a bag he hid in his pocket]

Rabbit: I don't believe it did.

Mac: How's your shooting, Thorny?

Thorny: Good. I've been dead on all morning.

Mac: What about that little guy?

[points to a bullet hole in the shooting target's neck]

Thorny: Who, that little guy? I wouldn't worry about that little guy.

Rabbit: See if they've got any chocolate bananas... Foster?

Thorny: I'm OK... but I can't say the same for these white devils.

Captain O'Hagan: Well, this burger thing with Farva's really screwed our pooch.

Thorny: What? They can't lump us in with that fuckin' martian!

Farva: [Farva to Unit 91, aka Foster over radio whilst Ramathorne and Rabbit are chasing Miata] Unit 91, unit 91? C'mon Unit 91, quit counting your pubes we have a pursuit out here

Thorny: All right Arlo, why don't you hop up on Uncle Rabbit's lap?

Rabbit: [indicating that he still has an erection] I don't think that's such a good idea, Thorny!

[repeated line]

Thorny: Enhance.

Captain O'Hagan: Just print the damn thing!

Captain O'Hagan: What did you find out at the weigh station?

Mac: My cruiser weighs 16,000 kilograms!

Farva: Sing it again, rookie biatch!

Thorny: [upon seeing Farva in a local cop uniform] What the fuck, Farva!

Captain O'Hagan: What are you doing wearing that uniform in my station?

Farva: Looks who's talking 'Denim Dan'! You look like the President and CEO of Levi-Strauss!

Captain O'Hagan: What's the significance of this John Chimpo fella?

Foster: You know those really cheap Japanese cartoons? No? This is basically a cheaper, Afgahni knockoff. It's this monkey that basically travels around the world, doing nasty things. His butler tries to keep him in line, but, uh... no.

Rabbit: It's really funny, Cap. It's Afghanistanimation!

Captain O'Hagan: The monkey has a butler? Great. Is that what they do in Arabia, Thorny?

Thorny: How the hell should I know?

[In a silly voice with his eyes crossed]

Mac: Do we look like the two dumbest guys in the world to you?

Mac: [Chugging maple syrup] Three... two... one... DO EET. Oh go girlfriend.

Captain O'Hagan: That's it. You're off the road, never again.

Farva: Sir, it was not my fault!

Captain O'Hagan: Neither was the goddamn schoolbus! You know, there was a time we'd take a guy like you out back and beat you with a hose; now you got your Goddamn unions.

Farva: Cap, You know I'm not a pro union guy.

Captain O'Hagan: And you're banned from Dimpus Burger!

Farva: Damn it!

Captain O'Hagan: Get some rubber gloves. From now on, you're my cleaning lady. BEAT IT!