- The Fish: Someone else should drive!
- The Cat: Alright, you win. Concrete, you drive.
- [gives Conrad the wheel]
- Conrad: Are you serious?
- The Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.
- Conrad: This is awesome!
- Sally: I want to drive.
- The Cat: I think that's a great idea.
- [gives Sally another wheel]
- Conrad: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
- The Cat: You're right. We should all drive.
- [gets his own wheel]
- Thing Two: Don't belittle me.
- The Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.
- Thing Two: And all of the above.
- The Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.
- Thing Two: Ben.
- [Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
- The Cat: Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.
- The Cat: [as the cook] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
- The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!
- The Cat: [as the cook] You're not just wrong, you're stupid.
- The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Now, wait just a minute...
- The Cat: [as the cook] And you're ugly, just like your mum.
- Sally: Who are you?
- The Cat: Who, Me? Why I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"..."key lime"..."turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!
- The Cat: [closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Convex... you probably don't wanna do that.
- Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.
- The Cat: This isn't just any old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
- Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".
- The Cat: Yes, but not *this* Philippines.
- Conrad: I'm not going to military school.
- Lawrence Quinn: Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.
- The Fish: This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!
- The Fish: A dog goes, "Woof woof," and everybody knows that little Timmy's trapped under a log. But a fish speaks in plain English...
- The Cat: [sinister voice] There is a third option!
- [Vaudeville keyboard music]
- Sally: There is?
- The Cat: Yes. It involves... murder!
- [More vaudeville keyboard music]
- Conrad: That's your option?
- The Cat: [normal voice] No. You guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too.
- The Cat: [back to sinister] Or did I?
- [More vaudeville keyboard music]
- Sally: Cat, you're not helping!
- Lawrence Quinn: Anything for my little Princess.
- Sally: Oh, I don't wanna be a princess, in a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the real power.
- Mom: [on phone] What do you mean you're leaving? You're a baby sitter. Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave.
- Mr. Humberfloob: First, I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan.
- [McFinnigan shakes Humberfloob's hand, to everyone else's shock]
- Jim McFinnigan: Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you...
- Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
- Jim McFinnigan: I beg your pardon?
- Mr. Humberfloob: Fired.
- Jim McFinnigan: But I...
- Mr. Humberfloob: [shouting] Fireeeee-dah!
- [McFinnigan runs away crying]
- [last lines]
- Narrator: Well, what would you do if your mother asked you? The family was whole, all thanks to the Cat, who was dashing and charming, no doubt about that. He was witty and cultured... and, well, very endearing... and tremendously attractive, but in a sort of real way. You know, kind of an approachable way that I think you don't see these days...
- The Cat: [the narrator is revealed to be the Cat using a voice-changer] Oh! Hello! I was just, uh... I really should be going. How'd they get so smart?
- [Joan spends quality time with her children, jumping on the living room couch, while the Cat along with Things 1 and 2 walk off into the sunset]
- The Cat: Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? How about Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. Oh, Things are complicated.
- Conrad: I'll take the blame. Look, Mom will be home any second. Why don't you go upstairs?
- Sally: I'm not going upstairs. I'm staying with you.
- Conrad: Really? Why?
- Sally: Two reasons. One, the stairs are destroyed. Two, this is just as much my fault as yours. We should share the blame.
- Conrad: Thanks, Sally.
- Sally: By the way, you're a pretty good brother.
- Conrad: Glad you think that. Maybe we can room together at military school.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: There are gajillions of stories of mischief and fun, but to keep things simple, let's start with just one. About a mom and two kids and a house and a hat - that, oddly enough, was worn by a cat. But soon enough we will get to all that.
- Quinn: [At his apartment taking his harness off and then sits in his rocking chair. Takes his false teeth out and puts them in an empty glass cup. Door knocks] Yeah! What do you want now?
- Repo Guy: [Gives Lawrence a form about his TV repossession notice] Repo.
- Quinn: You're repossessing my TV? Well, I'm sure I made a payment. If it's about that balance check, here let me give you a credit card. It's expired.
- [the Repo crew leaves with Larry's television]
- Quinn: Huh? Oh, come on!
- [from DVD menu]
- Conrad: [gets spit out of a tube from the Cat's hat] Whoa! Cool!
- Sally: [gets spit out next] Ugh! Well that was rather rude.
- Conrad: I thought it was pretty cool.
- Sally: You would.
- Conrad: You should.
- Sally: [to viewer] Oh, hello there. I'm Sally, and welcome to the Cat in the Hat DVD.
- Conrad: And I'm Conrad, and if you click over here, I'll show you some real cool stuff about the film.
- Sally: Or if you click on my side, I'll tell you some amazing stories about how they made the movie.
- Conrad: Don't listen to Sally, her stuff is boring! Click over here!
- Sally: The word you're looking for is interesting.
- The Fish: [rising from the hat] Remember the fish?
- [Sally tells on Conrad]
- Lawrence Quinn: Can I tell you something that will get you through life? Nobody likes a suck-up!
- The Cat: Okay, here we go. GPS, check. DVD, CD, check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a... Czech.
- [chortling]