Anna (in Tess's body): I'm old!

Tess (in Anna's body): I beg your pardon!

Anna (in Tess's body): Oh, I'm like the Cryptkeeper!

Ryan: OK, where are we going next, Harry's school?

Anna (in Tess's body): Oh, he can walk from here.

Harry: It's 20 blocks!

Anna (in Tess's body): Fresh air will do you good.

Harry: But what about bullies?

Anna (in Tess's body): Run fast.

Anna (in Tess's body): Like cooking: I mean, have you never heard of takeout? And cleaning: let's don't and say we did. Quality time with your kids: You know what? Quit bugging 'em. Leave 'em alone. They like it!

Tess (in Anna's body): Honey. Look, I think something's happened to us.

Anna (in Tess's body): What are you?

Tess (in Anna's body): It's me, Mom.

Anna (in Tess's body): You're not my mother!

Tess (in Anna's body): Yes, I am.

Anna (in Tess's body): Get away, you clone freak!

Tess (in Anna's body): Don't you use that tone with me!

Anna (in Tess's body): Oh my God, you are my mother!

Pei-Pei's Mom: Coo-kie?

Anna (in Tess's body): Darling. Could you, like, chill for a sec?

Tess (in Anna's body): And what are you doing with this?

[grabs box of french fries]

Anna (in Tess's body): I'm eating.

Tess (in Anna's body): You cannot eat fast food.

Anna (in Tess's body): Why not?

Tess (in Anna's body): Because it will go down your throat and drop instantly to my thighs!

[last lines]

Pei-Pei: Mama! What are you doing? Mama! Grandpa! Harry! No!

[tackles them, grabs cookies]

Pei-Pei: Okay!

Jake: Yesterday was freaky.

Tess (in Anna's body): We'd like to speak to you about something that we think happened to us at your restaurant.

Anna (in Tess's body): Yeah, something that SUCKS.

Tess (in Anna's body): I look like Stevie Nicks.

Anna (in Tess's body): Who's he?

Anna (in Tess's body): Are you mad?

Ryan: No.

Anna (in Tess's body): Do you, like, not want to get married now?

Ryan: No. No I don't. Not if you're gonna put me in this role.

Anna (in Tess's body): What role?

Ryan: The role of insensitive stepfather who couldn't care less, or thinks it's a stupid rock band, or any of the preposterous things you just said. How can you say I don't care? I'm not that guy, Tess, and if that's who you think I am, then this is never gonna work. When I fell in love with you, I knew you came with a history and a family, and I respect the hell out of that. You have always put the kids first. That's exactly how it should be, that's how I want it. I never pushed Anna, because I want her to like me on her own terms, in her own way.

[Anna and Tess read the fortunes they received from Pei-Pei's mother]

AnnaTess: A journey soon begins...

Tess: ...its prize reflected in the other's eyes.

Anna: When what you see is what you lack...

AnnaTess: ...then selfless love will change you back.

Anna (in Tess's body): I can't marry Ryan. Eww.

Anna (in Tess's body): Root canal? That's not fair, they're not my teeth.

Mr. Bates: [to a student] Mr. Waters, describe the character of Hamlet.

Mr. Waters: Hamlet. He's, uh... he's one of the big characters. I mean, he's Hamlet. He's just... bopping around... doesn't know which way's up. I don't think the guy's got a clue.

Mr. Bates: You mean to say that he is a man...

Mr. Waters: Yeah.

Mr. Bates: Who couldn't make up his... mind.

Mr. Waters: ...mind. Exactly.

Mr. Bates: Good. B.

[first lines]

Tess: Honey, wake up.

Anna: No.

Tess: Anna. Greet the day.

Tess: Hello, Dr. Coleman. Yes, Elizabeth. Yes, Elizabeth, I'll be at the appointment tomorrow. Ok, good. And Elizabeth, remember, you are a smart, strong, beautiful, independent woman and you don't need a man to complete you.

Butcher Woman: Thank you.

Tess: Goodbye.

Tess (in Anna's body): You pierced your navel?

Anna (in Tess's body): Yeah, I... meant to talk to you about that.

Tess (in Anna's body): When did you do this?

Anna (in Tess's body): At Maddie's cousin's sweet 16.

Tess (in Anna's body): Well, when you get your body back, it's grounded.

Dottie Robertson: Loved your book, I actually read this one.

Anna (in Tess's body): That makes one of us.

Anna (in Tess's body): 3 years ago we had a really bad thing happen we lost a father and a husband and I didn't think we'd ever get over it but then this guy next to me

[Ryan looks at Tess Proudly]

Anna (in Tess's body): came into the picture and everyone could see I was happy again I was singing in the shower again not well I may add but I was still worried about my kids Anna and Harry whether or not they would be able to accept a new man in their life and now I know how Anna feels

[Ryan looks over towards Anna]

Anna (in Tess's body): and what she feels is that...

[Tess starts to get emotional]

Anna (in Tess's body): No-one could ever take the place of her Dad

[Voice breaking]

Anna (in Tess's body): because he was a really great Dad but somebody could be part of a new family it's own kind of cool, new little unit and that for someone as special as Ryan that we would all just make a little room Anna really wanted her mom to know that.

[Tess mouths I love you]

Tess (in Anna's body): Role-playing! Her idea. New therapeutic technique. Switching points of view.

Grandpa: If I switch with Harry, do I have to wear a thong?

Harry: [mocking Grandpa] Earthquake. Save me. Earthquake.

Anna (in Tess's body): It's easy to be you. I'll just suck the fun out of everything.

Tess (in Anna's body): I do not suck the fun out of everything.

Anna (in Tess's body): Fun-sucker.

Grandpa: [about Anna] Stop groveling, man. Let her come to YOU.

Ryan: She'd come with a hatchet.

Pei-Pei: [about her mother] Oh, she's crazy.

Pei-Pei's Mom: [subtitles] Like a fox.

Tess (in Anna's body): She is dead, worse than dead. She will spend the next year in a phoneless, dateless, Amish existence!

Anna (in Tess's body): So, let's do this thingy.

Ryan: You mean our wedding rehearsal?

Anna (in Tess's body): Yeah, whatever.

Ryan: You know what, I'm not really a prying kind of guy, but just for the heck of it, I was wondering what you were doing on the eve of our wedding straddling some guy on the back of a big black Harley?

Anna (in Tess's body): Hello, it was a Ducati!

Anna (in Tess's body): So you're in my body, and I'm in your body. Why don't we, like...

Tess (in Anna's body): Yes, yes, I see what you're saying. A jolt! Okay, you go over there, and I go over here. Okay, when I say go. Ready? Go!

[they both bump heads and fall to the ground while Harry walks into the room]

Peg: Aren't you like the maid of horror or something?

Anna: You couldn't last one day in my high school.

Tess: Actually I could, and I would do it without getting a detention.

Anna: You're ruining my life!

Anna (in Tess's body): Halibut? Eww! That's disgusting! What kind of caterer ARE you?

[Ryan has just let Anna go to the House Of Blues for the band audition]

Peg: Mr. Dude, you rock!

Harry: Get a room!

Ryan: What the hell just happened?

Tess: Trust me, you don't wanna know.

Jake: You know, it's just... Yesterday was freaky, and I mean, I see your mom... And I like her. I mean, not "like her" like her, but, you know, I mean... Like her as your mom. Listen, do you think we could just rewind this whole thing and start again?

Anna: [smiles] I'd like that.

Jake: You know, I've been thinking about that kiss.

Anna: [puzzled] Kiss?

[pulls herself together]

Anna: Remind me again how I did it.

Jake: In front of your mom?

Anna: It's okay. She owes me.

[They kiss]

[after dropping "Anna" off at school]

Ryan: Okay, where are we going next? Harry's school?

Anna (in Tess's body): [smirking at Harry] Oh, he can walk from here.

Harry: It's twenty blocks!

Anna (in Tess's body): Fresh air will do you good.

Harry: But what about bullies?

Anna (in Tess's body): Run fast.

[Grandpa seeing Harry's underwear that was put over his head, thanks to Anna]

Grandpa: What is this, one of them thongs? I don't want to know.

Tess (in Anna's body): Mr. Bates, may I please speak with you ?

Mr. Bates: I think that would be fairly pointless, but go ahead.

Tess (in Anna's body): By what stretch of the imagination... I mean, like, how could I, like, get an "F"? What mistakes did I make ?

Mr. Bates: Grading is subjective.

Tess (in Anna's body): That was a college-level analysis.

Mr. Bates: And you're qualified to make that assessment ?

Tess (in Anna's body): I most certainly am.

Mr. Bates: Well in the words of Hamlet, "What's done is done".

Tess (in Anna's body): That's "Macbeth" you know-nothing twit. Bates. Elton Bates. Griffith High School.

Mr. Bates: How do you know that ?

Tess (in Anna's body): Well, you asked me, I mean, my mom to the prom, but she turned you down.

Mr. Bates: This is not an appropriate subject.

Tess (in Anna's body): You're taking it out on her daughter, aren't you ?

Mr. Bates: I don't know what you're talking about.

Tess (in Anna's body): It was a high school dance. You've got to let it go and move on, man. And if you don't, I'm sure the school board would love to hear about your pathetic vendetta against an innocent student.

Tess (in Anna's body): [Anna is about to leave the classroom and turns] Oh, and by the way, Elton, she had a boyfriend, and you were weird.

Tess: [Anna's bedroom door was just removed] Privacy is a privilege, Anna.

Tess (in Anna's body): I don't believe in physical contact with the opposite sex. At all. Ever. Nothing.

Anna (in Tess's body): Let's just say this cute guy asks you out. What are you gonna do? WOOOH.

Anna (in Tess's body): You mean we're like stuck in this SUCKFEST?

[as he holds Tess's hand]

Ryan: One more day.

Anna (in Tess's body): Yeah, it's great we're getting married, isn't it? Even though my husband died. How quickly I've been able to get over it.

Anna (in Tess's body): Mom, maybe we should go to the emergency room.

Tess (in Anna's body): Oh no! All that will get us is a 72-hour lockdown in a psych ward and a Thorazine drip. No, we're not going anywhere.

Harry: [straws sticking out of his nose] Look I'm a walrus!

Ryan: [hearing Anna scream because her door is gone] She saw it.

Grandpa: [gets up quick] I'm gonna check those Lakers.

Ryan: I'm with you...

Pei-Pei: Sexy new look for you, Mrs. Coleman! You look hot!

Anna: I'm going to get a little stud here Ok?

[holding top part of ear]

Tess: I don't want my maid of honor looking like a harlot.

Harry: Don't tell her I like her

Anna (in Tess's body): Why not?

Harry: Because we have too much fun fighting

Anna (in Tess's body): You're way more twisted than I though

[she playful kicks him in his rear, he tries to do the same but can't reach]

Anna (in Tess's body): this try

Harry: You go and ask her you old fart

Grandpa: Boy youth is wasted on the young