Charlotte: Let's never come here again because it would never be as much fun.
Bob: It gets a whole lot more complicated when you have kids.
Charlotte: It's scary.
Bob: The most terrifying day of your life is the day the first one is born.
Charlotte: Nobody ever tells you that.
Bob: Your life, as you know it... is gone. Never to return. But they learn how to walk, and they learn how to talk... and you want to be with them. And they turn out to be the most delightful people you will ever meet in your life.
Charlotte: That's nice.
Director: [in Japanese] Mr. Bob-san, you are relaxing in your study. On the table is a bottle of Suntory whiskey. Got it? Look slowly, with feeling, at the camera, and say it gently - say it as if you were speaking to an old friend. Just like Bogie in Casablanca, "Here's looking at you, kid" - Suntory time.
Translator: Umm. He want you to turn, looking at camera. OK?
Bob: That's all he said?
Translator: Yes. Turn to camera.
Bob: All right. Does he want me to turn from the right, or turn from the left?
Translator: [to director, in Japanese] Uh, umm. He's ready now. He just wants to know if he's supposed to turn from the left or turn from the right when the camera rolls. What should I tell him?
Director: [in Japanese] What difference does it make! Makes no difference! Don't have time for that! Got it, Bob-san? Just psych yourself up, and quick! Look straight at the camera. At the camera. And slowly. With passion. Straight at the camera. And in your eyes there's... passion. Got it?
Translator: [to Bob] Right side. And with intensity. OK?
Bob: Is that everything? It seemed like he said quite a bit more than that.
Director: [to Bob, in Japanese] Listen, listen. This isn't just about whiskey. Understand? Imagine you're talking to an old friend. Gently. The emotions bubble up from the bottom of your heart. And don't forget, psych yourself up!
Translator: Like an old friend. And, into the camera.
Director: [in Japanese] Got it? You *love* whiskey. It's *Suntory* time. OK?
Director: [to crew] OK!
Bob: For relaxing times, make it Suntory time.
Charlotte: I just feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by other people.
Charlotte: 25 years. That's uh, well it's impressive.
Bob: Well you figure, you sleep one-third of your life, that knocks out eight years of marriage right there. So you're, y'know, down to 16 in change. You know you're just a teenager, at marriage, you can drive it but there's still the occasional accident.
Charlotte: I tried taking pictures, but they were so mediocre. I guess every girl goes through a photography phase. You know, horses... taking pictures of your feet.
Bob: Can you keep a secret? I'm trying to organize a prison break. I'm looking for, like, an accomplice. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?
Charlotte: I'm in. I'll go pack my stuff.
Bob: I hope that you've had enough to drink. It's going to take courage.
[at a photo shoot]
Bob: You want more mysterious? I'll just try and think, "Where the hell's the whiskey?"
Lydia Harris: [over the phone] Is this a bad time?
Bob: [pauses] No, it's always a good time.
Lydia Harris: The burgundy carpet is out of stock: it's going to take twelve weeks. Did you like any of the other colors?
Bob: Whatever you like - I'm just completely lost.
Lydia Harris: It's just carpet.
Bob: That's not what I'm talking about.
Lydia Harris: What are you talking about?
Bob: I don't know. I just want to... get healthy. I would like to start taking better care of myself. I'd like to start eating healthier - I don't want all that pasta. I would like to start eating like Japanese food.
Lydia Harris: [icily] Well, why don't you just stay there and you can have it every day?
Bob: [biting his tongue] How are the kids doing?
Lydia Harris: They're fine. They miss their father.
Lydia Harris: Do I need to worry about you, Bob?
Bob: Only if you want to.
Bob: Enjoy your fright.
[Bob is exercising on the step machine, trying to adjust the settings that are only in Japanese. He hits a button that only makes the machine go faster and faster]
Bob: Enjoy my jacket, which you stole from me.
Charlotte: [Bob is recollecting when he first saw Charlotte, in the elevator] Did I scowl at you?
Bob: No, you smiled.
Charlotte: I did?
Bob: Yes, it was a complete accident. A freak. I haven't seen it since. Just that one time.
Bob: Like that, but bigger... bigger... mm-hmm... well, not that big!
Charlotte: [after Bob tells her of his back pain] I'm in pain, I got my foot banged up. Wanna see it?
Bob: [to Chef, sarcastically] How do you say no?
[sees the foot]
Bob: Oh, my gosh! When did you do this?
Charlotte: I did it the other day, it hurts, y'know?
Bob: Didn't you feel any pain?
Charlotte: Yeah, it really hurt.
Bob: That toe is almost dead.
Bob: I think I got to take you to a doctor, you can't just put that back in the shoe. Well, you either go to a doctor or you leave it here.
Bob: He's smiling. You like that idea? See they love black toe in this country.
[Charlotte continues laughing]
Kelly: But listen, let's all go out for a drink sometimes. Yeah?
John: Yeah, yeah.
Kelly: You know, call me, okay?
John: Yeah, okay.
Kelly: Alright. Listen, I'm under Evelyn Waugh. Shh, okay?
Charlotte: [after Kelly leaves] Evelyn Waugh? Evelyn Waugh was a man.
John: Oh, come on, she's nice. What? You know, not everybody went to Yale. It's just a pseudonym, for Christ's sake.
John: Why do you have to point out how stupid everyone is all the time?
Kelly: Everybody is always, like, "Kelly, you are anorexic." And, I'm like, "No, I'm not." I eat all kinds... I eat so much junk food, you wouldn't believe it. I'd have a heart attack...
John: I thought you were anorexic...
Kelly: Everybody does...
John: [gesturing with his hands] Yeah, because you look so...
Kelly: [enthusiastically] Thank you. I know.
Charlotte: You're probably just having a mid-life crisis. Did you buy a Porsche yet?
Bob: You're not hopeless.
Charlotte: [on the phone] I went to this temple and all these monks were chanting and I didn't feel anything. John's been using these hair products and I don't know who I married anymore.
Bob: [Karaoke Party] More than this, you know there's nothing. More than this, just tell me one thing.
Bob: I don't get that close to the glass until I'm on the floor.
[rolling around on the floor, waving her legs in the air]
Premium Fantasy woman: Oh Mr. Harris! Don't touch me! Mr. Bob Harris! Just rip my stocking!
DJ: I'd like to take that and lay it down with like a hip-hop beat like boom-tish boom-tish know what I mean?
Kelly: [like there's something wrong with it] Wife?
Bob: Short and sweet? How very Japanese of you.
Kelly: Okay, so are you going to join me for this power cleanse?
[Charlotte leaves the table and moves to the bar]
Kelly: What's the religion, here, Christian?
American Businessman #1: He's here with us? What's he doing here?
[Charlotte watches Kelly at a publicity interview explain her working relationship with Keanu Reeves]
Kelly: And we both have two dogs, and we both live in L.A., so we have all these different things in common.
Charlotte: Worst fight ever.