Thanksgiving Family Reunion (2003 TV Movie)

Bryan Cranston: Woodrow Snider

Quotes 

• Mitch Snider : I'm looking for Woodrow Snider.

  Woodrow Snider : You've found him, man!

  [picks Mitch up and swings him around] 

  Woodrow Snider : So who're you?

  Mitch Snider : I'm... your cousin, Mitch.

  Woodrow Snider : Cousin Mitch!

• Woodrow Snider : This chip-off-the-old-bong is our son Harley.

  [covers Harley's ears] 

  Woodrow Snider : If he had an Indian name, it would be "Busted Condom".

• Mitch Snider : [finds Woody in the shower with him]  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

  Woodrow Snider : I'm just lathering you up, here, now you do me.

  [hands Mitch the soap] 

  Mitch Snider : I'm not doing anybody!

  Woodrow Snider : Oh hey man, I don't go that way... except maybe one time at a Dead concert, I was lying in a whole pile of bodies, it was hard to tell what anybody was doing.

• Woodrow Snider : This is our love child, Twig. It's alright, you can stare, I know they're hot.

• Pauline Snider : So what are we celebrating?

  Mitch Snider : Well, I'm going to give Woody one of my kidneys.

  Pauline Snider : Oh that's fantastic! So what're we going to do with it?

  Woodrow Snider : Okay, let's go get started on that Thanksgiving feast.

  Jill Snider : What do you mean 'what're we going to do with it?'?

  Mitch Snider : We're going to take it out of me and put it in Woody.

  Pauline Snider : Oh... so he'll have 3?

  Jill Snider : Woody told Mitch that he needed a kidney.

  [to Woody] 

  Jill Snider : She doesn't know?

• Woodrow Snider : You know what we should do? Have a family sauna.

  Mitch Snider : Oh you have a sauna.

  Woodrow Snider : Uh not really, we just get naked in front of the oven.

• Mitch Snider : [in the car]  All I wanted was to meet my cousin, spend a Thanksgiving with family, and what a surprise, all you wanted was money.

  Woodrow Snider : Mitch, this just proves how messed up you are. You'd rather have somebody cut you open than to part with your precious money?

  Mitch Snider : [stomps brake]  I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!

  Woodrow Snider : [pause, laughs]  What're you talking about? Look at how you dress, look at this car...

  Mitch Snider : Look, I'm going to tell you something that I don't even have the guts to tell Jill. I'm in trouble. I was so jealous of all those doctors always bragging about their investments, that I decided to make a killing. I sunk all my savings into anything with the words 'dotcom' in it. I'm so cash poor now, I'm going to have to work until I'm 90 just to break even.

  Woodrow Snider : [pause]  You know, I started a dotcom once. Woodrowwashrepair.com, eh, might've worked better if I had a computer. I guess we really are related.

  Mitch Snider : Between a kid going to college and 2 mortgages on the house, it would've been easier just to give you my kidney.

  Woodrow Snider : Well who said you had to live like that?

  Mitch Snider : Me? What about you? You're just going to let your family get thrown out on the street?

  Woodrow Snider : At least *my* daughter came home today.

  Mitch Snider : Oh my God, Allison!

• Mitch Snider : What is with that kid? I've given her everything!

  Woodrow Snider : That's the funny thing about kids, you can give them more than they want, and the only things they end up wanting is anything but the things you wanted to give them.

  Mitch Snider : [pause]  I actually understood that.

  Woodrow Snider : Oh, cool. Explain it to me sometime.

• Janis : [serving the turkey]  Mom! Uncle Phil! Come and get it while it's hot!

  Uncle Phil : [from bedroom]  I just did!

  Woodrow Snider : Honey, Chester hasn't looked this good in years.

  Janis : I know, the basting really brought out the color in his cheeks.

  Uncle Phil : [entering dining room]  The same thing happened with me.