This is by far and away the stupidest thing I have ever seen on celluloid. I mean, we started watching it assuming it was a "skinemax T&A flick", but aside from a couple boobs, that was it. I mean, I get the point of making stupid movies in order to show some sex scenes, as they are the sole reason for a movie of that kind to be made. This movie, however, has no sex scenes, and really has no point at all. There is no linear time, the scenes travel around like a fart in the wind, people show up for no reason, then leave, and it is never explained, the plot is never advanced, and nothing happens. I have never been as flabbergasted at how bad a movie was until I saw this. Has the director even been to a film school? Has he ever seen a movie? I don't know, but from the looks of it, he seems to have made some moron proud with this piece of crap, as he is still working. I literally walked away from this movie dumber, but I still recommend watching it, as it should be shown in every film school of the country as an example in what not to do when making a film. Move over PLan 9 from Outer Space, you have a new contender for worst movie ever made.
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johnnybigtime110 September 2007
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MBunge25 June 2011This is the sort of movie that makes you wonder what's wrong with the guy who made it. I mean biologically, like some sort of genetic disorder or notable brain trauma. Writer/director Kevin Lewis must have been suffering from some sort of malady during the production of Malibu Spring Break because too many things about the film only make sense as the result of a high fever, random seizures and misfiring synapses. A mixture of stock footage and single camera incompetence that's edited with all the flair of a bipolar rhino, this thing sucks in so many different ways that it's impossible to believe it's the result of a healthy mind and body.
Bitchy skank Michelle (Charity Rahmer) and her skantastic best friend Brianne (Kristin Novak) talk their way into spending spring break at the Malibu home of Michelle's fat uncle (Mark Allen). They immediately run afoul of Gloria (Pilar M. Lastra), the housekeeper's daughter, and get saddled with Denise (Sara Michelle Ben Av), Michelle's dorky and naïve cousin from Minnesota. The four bicker constantly, especially in two seemingly neverending scenes which are filmed by somebody with a hand-held video camera circling the girls over and over like an indecisive shark, until they agree to stage a big party and see who can land the guy with the best car.
While that's going on, the story incessantly cuts away to a couple of valets at a local restaurant. Randy (Jilon Ghai seriously? Jilon Ghai? He was either born with that name or chose it for his career? Jilon Ghai? Was his mother obsessed with Boggle or something?) is a smarmy sex hound and Jeff (Brian Kolodziej) is his brainy-and-wholesome-only-by-comparison buddy. They spend the first half of Malibu Spring Break yakking away to each other without any apparent connection to the plot, only to have Randy eventually fall in lust with Michelle and Jeff get caught up in Denise's koala bear-like animal magnetism. Everybody, including Michelle's uncle, eventually collide at the big party where Randy is caught jacking off, essentially in mid-date, and it all ends with the tease of a sequel.
If I started listing everything that's terrible about Malibu Spring Break, I wouldn't finish until sometime next week. In the interests of time and my own sanity, I'll just try to give you three examples that symbolize the excremental nature of this movie. To start with, this is a sex comedy that features a Playboy Playmate in one of its leading roles and she doesn't take her clothes off. That is neither a joke nor sarcasm, just the inexplicable truth. Charity Rahmer frequently takes her top off as does Kristin Novak, but the girl whose entire claim to fame is getting naked remains covered up. I can't even begin to fathom the decision making process that led to that result.
This is also a sex comedy where the only sex scene is a dude masturbating under the covers. That's odd enough, but there's a scene early on where Michelle and Brianne jump into the shower and it sounds off camera like they're messing around with each other, yet nothing is ever shown except one shot that's so out of focus it could have been Glenn Beck and Donald Trump feeling each other up. Again, what the hell sort of thinking led to such a presentation? These two actresses actually do show off their boobs in the movie, so there's no problem with modesty. Writer/director James implies their characters are engaging in some Sapphic shower frolic and then willfully refuses to show it to the audience? I am getting a headache trying to figure out how that makes any sense on any level.
Next to those befuddling peculiarities, the cringingly bad overacting, evilly banal dialog, kindergarten level plot, Ugandan film school camera-work, editing that at it's best resembles a bad music video from 1987 and the ear-bleeding onslaught of 11 lousy songs on the soundtrack seem almost beside the point. I don't know why any normal person would sit through more than 10 minutes of this debacle.
At minimum, Malibu Spring Break proves that Kevin Lewis feels no sense of shame. If he did, he would have destroyed all the footage and never let this eternal embarrassment see the light of day. -
This movie is awful. If you're considering to see this movie... two words DO NOT. It's tasteless, the storyline is really lame, and the jokes are even worse. The acting is really pathetic. I can't believe that this movie was made. Rather watch American Pie, Going Greek or Road Trip if you're in the mood for a teen comedy. It's about two girls who head for Malibu on their Spring Break. As usual they didn't do much planning and called (i think her names Michelle)'s uncle to crash at his Malibu mansion. Uncle Bennie strictly forbids them of having any kind of party, and as you would of guessed, they go ahead and do it. Please, I urge you, do not see this movie.
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movieman_kev15 May 20052 deathly unfunny girls stays a their deathly unfunny Uncle Benny's beach house. Uncle Beeny doesn't like party. But guess what? the deathly unfunny girls have a, yup you guessed it, a deathly unfunny beach party. If you didn't catch the not so subliminal message that I'm trying to convey. First off, you're a moron. I would rather watch a nude jello tag team watching match between Bea Aurther and Cameryn Manhiem VS. Rosie O'Donnell and Jessica Tandy. This movie, and I lose the term loosely is just THAT bad.
My Grade: F
Eye Candy: Kristin Novak and Charity Rahmer go topless, Iva Singer shows breasts and buns -
dscorca21 March 2006This movie had lots of potential, beautiful women, cute guys, a beach, beer, a hot tub, a mansion on the beach, a swimming pool, a sexy maid who hates her job, and really nice cars. However, the movie had one thing that doomed it to failure... a full length script and a bunch of sexy women who want to give acting a try because they think it would be a cool idea.
Let's put it this way...
If you find yourself at a party and you have a choice between watching this movie or a childs potty training video from the 70s, choose the potty training video. -
vcehaus17 July 2006With some wine, some friends and some good humor, I had a really good time watching this film. I particularly enjoyed the performance of Jilon Ghai (as "Randy"), who was such a kick in the pants! His scenes with Charity Rahmer ("Michelle") were wildly amusing. I wouldn't want him coming on to me, but it was great watching "Randy" try to score with "Michelle" and even better seeing the results! Of course, the girls in the film are lots of fun to watch too. AND, a friend of mine showed me the PLAYBOY issue that had Pilar Lastra as the Playmate of the Month. She's definitely a looker. All in all, this film totally served its purpose, which was to entertain us in a light and care-free way.
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alla-127 June 2006Not an Academy Award Winner but certainly a fun movie for you and a date. If you're home on a Friday night and want to giggle and cuddle with a certain homeboy, then pop in this movie. The girls are hot and the boys are even hotter. You'll both get turned on. The dialog is a little cliché but camp is in, right? There's a little bit of Weekend at Bernie's mixed with Girls Gone Wild. Michelle and Brianne leave Arizona to spend Spring Break with their Uncle in Malibu and yes, you can see where the plot is going but there's a mixture of fun, sun and sexy kids so who cares. The Uncle doesn't want them to have a party but you guessed it, they go ahead and do it anyway. Mayhem ensues. Lots of topless moments from girls and boys. Spring Break is supposed to be fun which is what they did with this movie!
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ses-1717 July 2006Wow, I just LOVED watching all these hot babes! The scenery around Malibu and California was off the fizzy. I could watch it again just to see all that flesh crammed into those tiny, teeny bikinis! I recently saw Pilar Lastra, the steaming hot housekeeper in Malibu Spring Break, as a center fold in my favorite mag, PLAYBOY. She is hot, hot HOT! The opening seen was bitchin. When the two main girls run out of gas and stop at this desert gas station, they drive the gas-guy nuts with their bodies and skimpy outfits! The slow-mo lets me enjoy every inch of them! My girlfriend liked looking at this shredded hot dude too (now I'd like a bod like that) and at all the other hot dudes....and some of the girls too! Any movie that can bring that out in my girlfriend is a 10 + for me!