[at the scene of Leslie Tiller's death]
Sergeant Tony Fisher: Hang about, hang about... you're saying this wasn't an accident?
[Angel grimaces and drops money into the swear box]
Nicholas Angel: Leslie Tiller was FUCKING murdered!
DS Andy Cartwright: Just like Tim Messenger?
Nicholas Angel: Yes!
DS Andy Wainwright: George Merchant?
Nicholas Angel: Yes!
DS Andy Cartwright: And Eve Draper?
Nicholas Angel: Yes!
DS Andy Wainwright: Martin Blower?
Nicholas Angel: No, actually.
DS Andy Cartwright: Really?
Nicholas Angel: [shouts] 'COURSE HE FUCKING WAS!
[Danny drops a coin into the swear box]
Nicholas Angel: Thank you, Danny!
Danny Butterman: Where's the trolley boy?
Nicholas Angel: In the freezer.
Danny Butterman: Did you say "cool off?"
Nicholas Angel: No I didn't say anything...
Danny Butterman: Shame.
Nicholas Angel: Well, there was the bit that you missed where I distracted him with the cuddly monkey then I said "play time's over" and I hit him in the head with the peace lily.
Danny Butterman: You're off the fuckin' chain!
[Nicholas Angel is having a crackdown on underage drinkers in the pub]
Nicholas Angel: Oy! When's your birthday?
Underage Drinker #1: 22nd of February.
Nicholas Angel: What year?
Underage Drinker #1: Every year!
Nicholas Angel: Get out!
Nicholas Angel: [to the second underage drinker] When's your birthday?
Underage Drinker #2: 8th of May... 1969...
Nicholas Angel: You're 37?
Underage Drinker #2: Yeah!
Nicholas Angel: Get out!
Nicholas Angel: [turns to last drinker] When's your birthday?
Underage Drinker #3: [high pitched] Uhhhh...
Nicholas Angel: Out!
Danny Butterman: So what made you want to become a policeman?
Nicholas Angel: Officer.
Danny Butterman: What made you want to become a policeman-officer?
Nicholas Angel: I don't remember a time when I didn't want to be a police officer... apart from the summer of 1979 when I wanted to be Kermit the Frog. It all started with my Uncle Derek. He was a Sergeant in the Met. He bought me a police pedal car when I was five. I rode around in it every second I was awake - arresting kids twice my size for littering and spitting. I got beaten up a lot when I was young, but it didn't stop me. I wanted to be like Uncle Derek.
Danny Butterman: He sounds like a good bloke.
Nicholas Angel: Actually, he was arrested for selling drugs to students.
Danny Butterman: What a cunt...
Nicholas Angel: Probably bought the pedal car with the proceeds. Needless to say, I never went near it again. I just let it rust. But I never lost the profound sense of right and wrong I felt at the wheel of that pedal car. I had to prove to myself that the Law could be proper and righteous and for the good of humankind. It was from that moment that I was destined to be a police officer.
Danny Butterman: Shame...
Nicholas Angel: How so?
Danny Butterman: I think you would have made a great Muppet...
Joyce Cooper: Fascist!
Nicholas Angel: I beg your pardon?
Joyce Cooper: [doing a crossword puzzle] System of government categorized by extreme dictatorship. Seven across.
Nicholas Angel: Oh, I see. It's "fascism."
Joyce Cooper: "Fascism"! Wonderful. Now, we've put you in the Castle Suite. Bernard will escort you over there.
Nicholas Angel: Well, actually, I can probably make my own way up. Hag!
Joyce Cooper: I beg your pardon?
Nicholas Angel: Evil old woman, considered frightful or ugly, 12 down.
Joyce Cooper: [thinks about it] Oh... bless you!
[after supposedly stabbing Sgt. Angel, Danny is waving a sachet of tomato ketchup]
Danny Butterman: Ta-daaa!
Nicholas Angel: Danny, this is murder.
Danny Butterman: It's not murder, it's ketchup.
Nicholas Angel: It's Frank! He's appointed himself Judge, Jury and Executioner.
Danny Butterman: [agitated and defensive] He is not Judge Judy and Executioner.
DS Andy Cartwright: You wanna be a big cop in a small town? Fuck off up the model village.
P.I Staker: The swan's escaped?
P.I Staker: Yeah.
Nicholas Angel: Right. And where has the swan escaped from exactly?
P.I Staker: Uh, the castle.
Nicholas Angel: Oh, yeah? And who might you be?
P.I Staker: Mr. Staker. Yeah, Mr. Peter Ian Staker.
Nicholas Angel: P.I. Staker?
P.I Staker: Yeah.
Nicholas Angel: Right. "Piss Taker." Come on!
Nicholas Angel: [cut to Nicholas with Mr. Staker] Yes, Mr. Staker. Um, we'll do everything we can. Can you describe it to me?
Narrator: Police Constable Nicholas Angel: born and schooled in London, graduated Canterbury University in 1993 with a double first in Politics and Sociology. Attended Hendon College of Police Training. Displayed great aptitude in field exercises, notably Urban Pacification and Riot Control. Academically excelled in theoretical course work and final year examinations. Received a Baton of Honour, graduated with distinction into the Metropolitan Police Service and quickly established an effectiveness and popularity within the community. Proceeded to improve skill base with courses in advanced driving... and advanced cycling. He became heavily involved in a number of extra-vocational activities and to this day, he holds the Met record for the hundred metre dash. In 2001, he began active duty with the renowned SO19 Armed Response Unit and received a Bravery Award for efforts in the resolution of Operation Crackdown. In the last twelve months, he has received nine special commendations, achieved highest arrest record for any officer in the Met and sustained three injuries in the line of duty, most recently in December when wounded by a man dressed as Father Christmas.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired one gun whilst jumping through the air?
Nicholas Angel: No.
Danny Butterman: Ever been in a high-speed pursuit?
Nicholas Angel: Yes, I have.
Danny Butterman: Have you ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed pursuit?
Nicholas Angel: No!
DS Andy Wainwright: It's all right, Andy! It's just bolognaise!
[Danny and Nicholas have just watched 'Point Break']
Danny Butterman: What do you think?
Nicholas Angel: Well, I wouldn't argue that it wasn't a no-holds-barred, adrenaline-fueled thrill ride. But there is no way you can perpetrate that amount of carnage and mayhem and not incur a considerable amount of paperwork.
Danny Butterman: That is nothing man, this is about to go off!
Inspector Frank Butterman: I suppose you're wondering why we call them the "Andies"?
Nicholas Angel: They're both called Andrew?
Inspector Frank Butterman: [delighted] They said you were good!
Danny Butterman: Also because talking to them is an uphill struggle, isn't it, Dad?
[Danny gets hit on the head with a wastepaper basket]
Danny Butterman: Fuck off!
Inspector Frank Butterman: Thank you, Danny.
[Angel has knocked out Michael]
Simon Skinner: [on walkie-talkie] Michael, are you there?
Nicholas Angel: [pretending to be Michael] Yarp...
Simon Skinner: Sergeant Angel's been taken care of?
Nicholas Angel: Yarp...
Simon Skinner: He's not going to get back up again?
[Angel thinks for a while]
Nicholas Angel: [hesitantly] Narp?
Simon Skinner: Good. Proceed to the castle.
Nicholas Angel: What's the matter, Danny? Never taken a shortcut before?
[proceeds to leap over a series of back-garden fences]
Nicholas Angel: [shouting] Have you ever wondered why, why the crime rate in Sandford is so low, yet the accident rate is so high?
Danny Butterman: By the power of Greyskull!
[while holding a ginger-haired boy hostage]
Simon Skinner: Stop, or the ginger-nut gets it!
Danny Butterman: Ever fired your gun in the air and yelled, 'Aaaaaaah?'
Nicholas Angel: In the meantime, why don't you check out a few of Martin Blower's clients?
DS Andy Wainwright: Martin Blower represents damn near most of the village. Do you want us to go through the whole phone book?
DS Andy Cartwright: Yeah, we'll put a call in to Aaron A. Aaronson, shall we?
Nicholas Angel: Please, don't be childish. At least consider interviewing the widow. Martin Blower was clearly having an affair with Eve Draper.
DS Andy Wainwright: Ohh, and how did you establish that?
Danny Butterman: [pounds table] 'Cause we sat through three hours of so-called acting last night, and the kiss was the only convincing moment in it.
DS Andy Wainwright: All right, pipe down, biggun'.
DS Andy Cartwright: Here, what else you got, Crockett and Tubby?
Nicholas Angel: Skid marks.
DS Andy Wainwright: Now who's being childish?
Nicholas Angel: There were no skid marks at the scene! Doesn't it seem a little strange that Martin Blower would lose control of his car and not think to apply the brakes?
Danny Butterman: Forget it, Nicholas... it's Sandford.
Nicholas Angel: With respect, sir, you can't just make people disappear.
Chief Inspector: Yes I can, I'm the Chief Inspector.
Nicholas Angel: Well however you spin this, there's one thing you haven't taken into account. And that's what the team are gonna make of this.
[gets up and opens the door, where the team standing below a sign reading 'Good Luck Nicholas']
[Angel is woken in the middle of the night with the report of a suspicious death]
Nicholas Angel: [on the phone] "Decaffeinated?"
[cut to shot of two decapitated heads]
[Tom is seated at the command centre, waving a pointed finger at CCTV photos of a street entertainer]
Tom Weaver: If we don't come down hard on these clowns, we are going to be up to our *balls* in jugglers!
Annette Roper: [over walkie talkie] That Sergeant Angel's coming into your shop. Get a look at his arse.
PC Doris Thatcher: I could have given you the tour! I've been around the station a few times!
Nicholas Angel: Shit just got real!
Nicholas Angel: Police work is as much about preventing crime as it is about fighting crime. Most importantly, it is about procedural correctness in the execution of unquestionable moral authority.
[Skinner is explaining why the NWA had Martin Blower murdered]
Simon Skinner: You see, much as I enjoyed your wild theories Sergeant, the truth is far less complex. Blower's fate was simply the result of his being... an appalling actor.
NWA Members: [echoing in agreement] Appalling.
Nicholas Angel: You murdered him for that?
Simon Skinner: He murdered Bill Shakespeare.
Nicholas Angel: What? Oh.
Annette Roper: Martin Blower was less concerned with the reputation of the village than he was with his sordid affair with Eve Draper!
Nicholas Angel: So Eve deserved to die too?
Dr. Robin Hatcher: Well, she did have a very annoying laugh.
NWA Members: [echoing in agreement] Annoying.
Nicholas Angel: George Merchant?
Simon Skinner: He had in awful house.
NWA Members: [echoing in agreement] Awful.
Danny Butterman: [reading a DVD cover] Meet Supercop... the cop, that can't be stopped.
Annette Roper: That SGT Angel's back. Get a look at his horse!
Leslie Tiller: [as Nicholas Angel is buying a Peace Lily in Leslie Tiller's flower shop] You know that fella who blew up?
Nicholas Angel: George Merchant?
Leslie Tiller: [speaking rapidly] Well, George Merchant - God rest him - wanted to buy this land. So he sent round his legal fella Martin Blower - God rest him. I thought I might take them up on it. I haven't really got that much family round here, save my cousin Sissy. So I thought I might take them up on the offer and move to Buford Abbey. Would you like a card with this?
Nicholas Angel: [In shock at what he's hearing] Wha... no... sorry, you were talking about the offer.
Leslie Tiller: [continuing rapidly] Well, it turns out that Martin Blower - God rest him - knew where the new Bypass Road is going 'cause he was knocking off Eve Draper from the council - God rest her. And then that reporter - God rest him - finds out about the route and tells me this land is very valuable. Ten times what George Merchant and Martin Blower - God rest them - offered me. So with them having passed on, I decided to sell it all myself to some folks from the city that Martin, George, and Eve - God rest the lot of them - have been talking to. Apparently, they want to build a big shopping center or something. Of course, Cousin Sissy won't be too happy about that but, as far as I'm concerned, Cousin Sissy can go and fu...
Nicholas Angel: [cutting her off] Would you just excuse me for just one second?
[He rushes out to his squad car]
PC Doris Thatcher: [over radio] Any officers near the church?
Nicholas Angel: Go ahead, Doris.
PC Doris Thatcher: Chief, we've just gotten reports of some hippie types messing with the recycling bins at the supermarket.
Nicholas Angel: Leave it with us.
PC Doris Thatcher: Right-o.
Nicholas Angel: Sergeant Butterman? The little hand says it's time to rock and roll.
Danny Butterman: [puts on his sunglasses] Bring the noise!
[Nicholas wheels the car around, hits the siren, and floors the gas pedal]
[after having been shot]
Reverend Philip Shooter: Jesus Christ!
[Frank is attempting to have Angel arrested by the other officers]
Inspector Frank Butterman: You're not seriously gonna believe this man, are you? Are you? HE ISN'T EVEN FROM 'ROUND HERE!
Inspector Frank Butterman: I used to believe in the immutable word of the Law. That is until the night Mrs. Butterman was taken from me. You see no-one loved Sandford more than her - she was head of the Women's Institute, chair of the floral committee. When they started the Village of the Year contest, she worked around the clock. I've never seen such dedication. On the eve of the adjudicator's arrival, some travellers moved into Callaghan Park. Before you could say 'gypsy scum' we were knee-deep in dog muck, thieving kids and crusty jugglers. We lost the title. And Irene lost her mind. She drove her Datsun Cherry into Sandford Gorge. From that moment on, I swore that I would do her proud.
Sergeant: Hello Nicholas.
Nicholas Angel: Hello Sergeant.
Sergeant: How's the hand?
Nicholas Angel: Still a bit stiff.
Sergeant: It can get awfully hairy out there. I'm surprised you weren't snapped up sooner for a nice desk job. That's what I did.
Nicholas Angel: I prefer to think my office is out on the street.
Sergeant: Indeed you do! Your arrest record is four hundred percent higher than any other officer, which is why it's high time that such... skills... were put to better use. We're making you sergeant.
Nicholas Angel: I see.
Nicholas Angel: In where, sorry?
Sergeant: In Sandford, Gloucestershire.
Nicholas Angel: But that's in the country...
Sergeant: Yes! Lovely!
Nicholas Angel: Isn't there a sergeant's position here in London?
Sergeant: Oh, no.
Nicholas Angel: Can I remain here as a PC?
Nicholas Angel: Do I have any choice in this?
Nicholas Angel: Sergeant, I kinda like it here.
Sergeant: Well, you've always wanted a transfer to the country.
Nicholas Angel: In twenty years or so, yes.
Sergeant: Well done you.
Danny Butterman: Pub?
Danny Butterman: Well, I couldn't see his face, could I? I'm not made of eyes!
[indicating the CCTV footage that will act as his alibi]
Simon Skinner: [smiling] Feel free to spool through!
[Skinner pulls a pose identical to the one in a photo on the wall behind him]
Nicholas Angel: Yes, sir. Why is everyone eating chocolate cake?
Inspector Frank Butterman: The Black Forest gateau is on Danny, as punishment for his little indiscretion.
Nicholas Angel: His...? Sir, I don't think driving under the influence can be called a "little indiscretion."
Inspector Frank Butterman: No, the gateau is for misplacing his helmet the other week. Last night's incident will require something a rather more serious. Do you like ice cream?
Nicholas Angel: I'm sorry, sir. I don't follow.
Inspector Frank Butterman: Let's just say that we won't be short of Chunky Monkey for the next month.
Danny Butterman: [annoyed] Daaaaaad!
Nicholas Angel: Ow! You cheeky fucker!
Simon Skinner: My, my, here come the Fuzz.
Leslie Tiller: I can never find my scissors.
Danny Butterman: Dad just said it was his special club.
Nicholas Angel: [about his notebook] This is the most important piece of equipment you will ever own. This notebook has saved my skin more times than I care to remember. Do you use yours?
Danny Butterman: Yeah I use it.
[shows him a flip animation]
Nicholas Angel: [stunned] That's just extraordinary.
Danny Butterman: You should see the one on the other side.
Nicholas Angel: We just sat through three hours of so-called acting, constable, and their kiss was the only convincing moment of it.
Nicholas Angel: I just want to be... good at what I do.
Danny Butterman: You are good at what you do, you just need to switch off that big ol' melon of yours.
Nicholas Angel: That's just it Danny, I don't think I know how.
Danny Butterman: I can show you.
[opens doors to a closet, reveals his rather large and extensive DVD collection]
Nicholas Angel: [stunned] By the power of Greyskull!
Danny Butterman: Point Break or Bad Boys II?
Nicholas Angel: Which do you think I'd prefer?
Danny Butterman: No I mean which do you want to watch first?
Nicholas Angel: You are pulling my leg right?
[Angel and Butterman are driving to interview Arthur Webley, with PC Walker and his dog riding in the back]
Nicholas Angel: What do we need the dog for?
Danny Butterman: [chuckles] It's not the dog we need.
[cut to the interview with Webley]
Arthur Webley: [mumbles unintelligibly]
Nicholas Angel: Right...
[turns to Butterman and Walker]
Nicholas Angel: What did he say?
PC Bob Walker: He said...
[mumbles only slightly more intelligibly]
Nicholas Angel: [turns to Butterman] What did he say?
Danny Butterman: He said, "an hedge is an hedge, he only chopped it down because it spoilt his view, and what's Reaper moaning about?"
Nicholas Angel: [blocked by a gaggle of women pushing baby strollers] Oh you mothers.
PC Doris Thatcher: What makes you think it was murrderr?
Danny Butterman: [searching for the swan] Honk!
Nicholas Angel: [talking to schoolchildren] Wanna do something useful?
[seeing Webley's barn full of guns]
Nicholas Angel: Where on earth did you get these?
Arthur Webley: Found 'em.
Danny Butterman: He found them.
Nicholas Angel: And what is this?
Danny Butterman: Sea mine.
Arthur Webley: Sea mine.
Nicholas Angel: Well, Mr. Webley this is an extremely dangerous collection, it's a wonder nobody's been hurt before.
Arthur Webley: Nah, just a lot of junk.
[He hits the mine with the butt of his shotgun. With a creak, it slowly tips onto its side and starts ticking softly. The three men exchange a look]
Nicholas Angel: MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!
[Pointing a gun at Nick]
Tom Weaver: You know what you are? A bloody busybody!
[talking about his daily role of custody officer at the police station]
Sergeant Turner: Nobody tells me nothin'.
Danny Butterman: Yeah, Roy-ee!
Nicholas Angel: Pack it in, Frank, you silly bastard!
Danny Butterman: Want anything from the shop?
[Mr. Skinner has tripped and landed with his chin impaled on a miniature church spire at the model village]
Simon Skinner: Ow! Thish really hurtsh... I'm gonna need shome ice-creeeem.
Dr. Robin Hatcher: I brought you into this world, Danny. I think's rather fitting I should take you out of it!
Nicholas Angel: That's what I'm talking about.
Reverend Philip Shooter: Tim, your number's up.
Simon Skinner: I'm a slasher, I must be stopped.
Nicholas Angel: [Trying to stop Frank Butterman from killing Danny] Pack it in Frank you daft bastard!
Tom Weaver: Well, well I see we have visitors...
Inspector Frank Butterman: We lost the title. And Irene lost her mind. She drove her Datsun Cherry into Sanford Gorge.
Nicholas Angel: That's just grossly inappropriate!