Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan : Quotes

[from trailer]
Borat: My country send me to United States to make movie-film. Please, come and see my film. If it not success, I will be execute.
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Borat: [while driving] Look, there is a woman in a car! Can we follow her and maybe make a sexy time with her?
Driving Instructor: No, no, no, no, no, no!
Borat: A-why not?
Driving Instructor: Because a woman has the right to choose who she has sex with.
Borat: [stunned] WHAT...? You joke?
Driving Instructor: It must be consensual. How 'bout that?
Borat: Ahahahahaha!
Driving Instructor: That's good, huh?
Borat: [stops laughing] Is not good for me.
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Azamat: [arguing with Borat] What's in California?
Borat: [making it up] Pearl Harbor is there. So is Texas.
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Borat: What's up with it, Vanilla face? Me and my homie Azamat just parked our slab outside. We're looking for somewhere to post up our Black asses for the night. So, uh, bang bang, skeet skeet, nigga. Just a couple of pimps, no hos.
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Oxanna: [as Borat is leaving] If you cheat on me, I will snap off your cock!
Borat: [later] Sadly, I cannot go after Pamela or else my wife will snap off my cock.
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Borat: Although Kazakhstan a glorious country, it have a problem, too: economic, social, and Jew.
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Borat: You telling me the man who try to put a rubber fist in my anus was a homosexual?
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Dinner host: I'm calling the police!
Borat: Why you call police? The retard escape?
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Borat: Go, kids! Smash the Jew chick before he hatches!
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Borat: What kind of dog is this?
Zookeeper: It's a tortoise.
Borat: Is it a cat in a hat?
Zookeeper: No... it's a tortoise in a shell.
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Borat: [narrating] He insist we not fly in case the Jews repeated their attack of 9/11.
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Borat: He is my neighbor Nursultan Tuliagby. He is pain in my assholes. I get a window from a glass, he must get a window from a glass. I get a step, he must get a step. I get a clock radio, he cannot afford. Great success!
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Borat: I want to have a car that attract a woman with shave down below.
Car Dealership owner: Well that would be a Corvette. Or a Hummer.
[starts showing Borat cars]
Car Dealership owner: We'll try to help you out here.
Borat: A man yesterday, tell me if I buy a car I must buy one with a pussy magnet.
Car Dealership owner: He means a car that women like.
Borat: Yes, but where do you keep this magnet?
Car Dealership owner: [interrupts] No. There's no magnet he just means the vehicle. Women love the Hummers.
Borat: Do this have a pussy magnet?
Car Dealership owner: No. The vehicle itself would be a magnet.
Borat: If I give you good price, will you please put in pussy magnet?
Car Dealership owner: Yeah but there's no-there's no such thing in this country as a-as a magnet.
Borat: If this car drive into a group of gypsies, will there be any damage to the car?
Car Dealership owner: It depends on how hard you hit them and all that.
Borat: *Hard*
Car Dealership owner: You might-if somebody rolls on the windshield, they could crack your windshield.
Borat: How fast do I need to go to guarantee I kill them?
Car Dealership owner: Uh-let me tell you something with this vehicle here probably doing 35-45 miles per hour will do it.
Borat: Great! When I uh, buy my wife, at the start she was uh, cook good, her vazhïn work well, and she strong on plow. But after three years when she was fifteen, then she become weak, her voice become deep: BORAT BORAT, eh, she receive hair on chest, and vazhïn hang like sleeve of wizard.
Car Dealership owner: Huh-Jesus...
Borat: How do I know that this will not happen with the car?
Car Dealership owner: Chevrolette guarantees you that with a warranty.
Borat: I like-a very much buy this Hummers, how much is it?
Car Dealership owner: Fifty-two thousand.
Borat: I am looking for something between um, six-hundred to uh... six-hundred and fifty dollars.
Car Dealership owner: We don't have any cars for six-fifty that you can buy. I might be able to sell you a wholesale car, a car with a lot of miles for seven-hundred with no warranty.
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Borat: And what is this?
Store Clerk (uncredited): That's cheese.
Borat: And what of this?
Store Clerk (uncredited): That's cheese...
Borat: And this?
Store Clerk (uncredited): That's cheese...
Borat: And what is this? Rice?
Store Clerk (uncredited): No that's cheese, this is all cheese here.
Borat: But this say "Crackers", this not cheese.
Store Clerk (uncredited): No Crackers is the brand, that's cheese...
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Atlanta Teenager: What kinda music you listen to?
Borat: I like-a very much Korki Buchek. You know Korki Buchek?
[the teenagers are confused]
Borat: Bing bong bing-bong-bing, dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click* *click-click*, bing bong bing-bong-bing, dl-dl-ding-ding *click* *click*...
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Borat: Oh da baby!
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Borat: [sees the Uzbekistan embassy in Washington DC] Hey look who has an embassy here.
[puts up his middle finger]
Borat: Hey fuck you, you motherfuckers!
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Borat Sagdiyev: [to woman running a yard sale] I will look on your treasures, gypsy. Is this understood?
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Borat: Who is this car that follow us? I wish it didn't follow us anymore.
Driving Instructor: Oh, I don't know.
Borat: Maybe we lose them.
Driving Instructor: No, we better not lose them.
Borat: [yelling at the passing car] Hey, don't look at me. Eat my tits!
Driving Instructor: All right. We'll make a right turn up here.
Borat: Don't look at me like that! I will eat your shit.
Driving Instructor: Hey, don't do that.
Borat: You fuck my mother.
Driving Instructor: Hey, hey. You can't do that.
Borat: No, he do before. He look on me.
Driving Instructor: You can't do that, okay? They're gonna throw us in jail, me with you. You can't...
Borat: Why in jail? He look on me- la-la-la behind.
Driving Instructor: You can't say that.
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[last lines]
Borat: Thank you for watch my film. I hope you like. Dziekuje.
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End Credits Men's Choir: Kazakhstan greatest country in the world, All other countries are run by little girls. Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium, all other countries have inferior potassium. Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool, it's length thirty meter and width six meter. Filtration system a marvel to behold. It remove 83 percent of human solid waste. Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place, From Plains of Tarashek to northern fence of Jewtown. Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan, They very nosey people with bone in their brain. Kazakhstan industry best in the world, we invented toffee and trouser belt. Kazakhstan's prostitutes cleanest in the region, except of course Turkmenistan's. Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place, From Plains of Tarashek to northern fence of Jewtown. Come grasp the might penis of our leader from junction with the testes to tip of its face!
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Borat: When you chase a dream, especially one with plastic chests, you sometimes do not see what is right in front of you.
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Borat: [referring to Pamela Anderson's character in "Baywatch"] This C.J. was like no Kazakh woman I have ever seen. She had golden hairs, teeth as white as pearls, and the asshole of a seven-year-old. For the first time in my lifes, I was in love.
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Borat: This is my country of Kazakhstan. It locate between Tajikistan, and Kyrgyzstan, and assholes Uzbekistan.
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Borat: [looking at a Barbie doll in a woman's yard sale] Gypsy, who is this woman you have shrunk?
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Azamat: [points to two cockroaches] The Jews have shifted their shapes!
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Borat: Does Jesus love my neighbour Nursultan Tulyiagby?
Chruch Pastor: Yes, Jesus loves everyone.
Borat: Nobody like my neighbour Nursultan Tulyiagby.
[everyone laughs]
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Borat: Dis my mother. She oldest woman in village. She is 43!
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Borat: Sometime my sister, she show her vazhïn to my brother Bilo and say "You will never get this you will never get it la la la la la la." He behind his cage. He cries, he cries and everybody laughs. She goes "You never get this." But one time he break cage and he "get this" and then we all laugh. High five!
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Borat: I arrived in America's airport with clothings, US dollars, and a jar of gypsy tears to protect me from AIDS.
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Borat: We need somewhere to park our black asses for the night.
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Borat: I like you, do you like me?
Driving Instructor: Of course I like you.
Borat: You are my friend?
Driving Instructor: You're a nice young man and, yes, I am your friend.
Borat: You will be my boyfriend?
Driving Instructor: No, I won't be your boyfriend.
Borat: Why not?
Driving Instructor: Okay, yeah, I guess I can be your boyfriend.
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Borat: I loves the Pamela Andersons.
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Borat: Fuck off, Death!
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Borat: Her vazhïn hang like sleeve of wizard's robe.
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Borat: [ogling good looking woman] Very nice, very nice! How much?
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Borat: There lives Nursultan Tulyakbay. He's still asshole. I get iPod, he only get iPod Mini. Everybody know it for girls!
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Borat: [holding gun at gun shop] I feel like American movie star Dirty Harold...
Borat: [pointing and aiming gun] Go ahead, make my day, Jew...
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Borat: Wawaweewa!
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Borat: [singing the Kazakhi national anthem to the tune of the American national anthem] Kazakhstan is the greatest country in the world / All other countries are run by little girls / Kazakhstan is number-one exporter of potassium / Other Central Asian countries have inferior potassium / Kazakhstan is the greatest country in the world / All other countries is the home of the gays...
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Borat: Pamela, I am no longer attracted to you anymore... NOT!
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Borat: [looks for a car] I want to buy a car with pussy magnet.
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Borat: I like to make sexy time!
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Borat: This suit is NOT BLACK!
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Borat: [referring in thought to woman speaking in feminism group] I could not concentrate on what this old man was saying.
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Borat: [voiceover, referring to Azamat in Oliver Hardy outfit] I had not come to Hollywood to fight with a man dressed as Hitler.
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Borat: May George Bush drink the blood of every man, woman, and child in Iraq!
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Azamat: [subtitled] We should go back to New York. At least there are no Jews there.
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Borat: This is Urkin, the town rapist. Naughty, naughty!
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Mike Jared (Magnolia Fine Dining Society): I'm, er... recently retired...
Borat: You are a retard?
Mike Jared (Magnolia Fine Dining Society): Er... yes...
Borat: Er... physical or mental?
Bethany Weston (Magnolia Fine Dining Society): [to Jared] Retired...
Mike Jared (Magnolia Fine Dining Society): RETIRED! I don't work anymore...
Bethany Weston (Magnolia Fine Dining Society): Stopped work...
Mike Jared (Magnolia Fine Dining Society): STOPPED WORKING!
Borat: [quietly across the table] Is very good you allow retard to, er...
[mumbles politely]
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Borat: I will forgive Pamela, and I will go to California with my friend Mr. Jesus, AND TOGETHER WE WILL TAKE HER!
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Borat: [subtitled, to the town's rapist upon farewell] Urkin, not too much raping... Humans only!
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[first lines]
Borat: Jak sie masz? My name-a Borat. I like you. I like sex. Is nice!
["How are you?" in Polish]
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Borat: [indicates women beside him] In my country, they would go crazy for these two.
[points to minister's wife]
Borat: This one... not so much...
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Borat: High-five!
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Borat: Gypsy! Give me your tears! If you will not give them to me, I will take them from you!
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Borat: This is Natalya.
[He kisses her passionately]
Borat: She is my sister. She is number-four prostitute in whole of Kazakhstan.
[She holds up a trophy and smiles]
Borat: Niiice!
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Borat: My moustache still tastes of your testes!
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Azamat: Eat my asshole!
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Borat: This my mother. She is oldest woman in ALL of Kuzçek! She is 43! I love her! Uhh... this my wife Oxanna... She is a moron...
Oxanna: What? What? What did say about me, you skinny piece of shit? Why don't you go do something useful and dig your mother a grave, you tall piece of shit!
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Church Pastor: I didn't *evolve* from a monkey! I is what I is!
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Borat: The only thing keeping me going was my dream of one day holding Pamela in my arms and making romance explosion on her stomach.
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Borat: [steps into the hotel room] Wawaweewaa! Ooh lala!
Borat: [as he sits down in hotel room chair] Oh well, King in the Castle, King in the Castle, I have a chair! Go do dis, go do dis, King in the Castle.
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Borat: How's my back pussy?
Azamat: Not bad. Moist.
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Azamat: [dressed as Oliver Hardy] Well that's another fine mess you've gotten me into!
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Borat: Even though my anus was broken, I knew the rest of our journey would be great success.
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Borat: Just dry him, no hand relief.
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Bobby Rowe: Of course every picture that we get back from the terrorists or anything else; the Muslims, they look like you. Black hair and a black moustache.
Borat: Yeah.
Bobby Rowe: So shave that dadgum moustache off, so you're not so conspicuous, so you look like maybe an Italian. Or somethin'.
Borat: Yes.
Bobby Rowe: As far as from people lookin' at ya. I see a lot of people and I think "there's a dadgum Muslim, I wonder what kind of bomb he's got strapped to him".
Borat: Yes.
Bobby Rowe: And you probably aren't a Muslim, maybe that's not your religion, but...
Borat: No, I am a Kazakh...
Bobby Rowe: Yeah, but...
Borat: I follow the hawk.
Bobby Rowe: Yeah, but you look like one of 'em. When this thing gets over with and when we win it, and kick the butts over there...
Borat: Yes.
Bobby Rowe: And all of them son of a butts hangin' from the gallows.
Borat: [Getting excited] Yes!
Bobby Rowe: By that time you will have proven yourself and they'll understand and you will be accepted. Take care.
Borat: Thank you.
[Tries to kiss Bobby]
Borat: .
Bobby Rowe: I ain't gonna kiss you!
Borat: [Disappointed] A-why not?
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Borat: My wife is dead?
[long pause]
Borat: High five!
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Borat: My name i' Borat, I come a-from Kazakhstan. Can I say a-first, we support your War of Terror.
[crowd cheers]
Borat: May we show our support for our boys in Iraq.
[crowd cheers]
Borat: May U.S. and A kill every single terrorist.
[crowd cheers]
Borat: May George Bush a-drink the blood of every single man, woman, and child of Iraq.
[crowd cheers wildly]
Borat: May you destroy their country so that for the next thousand years not even a single lizard will survive in their desert.
[some of crowd still cheers]
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Azamat: [Dressed as Oliver Hardy] Well that's another fine mess you've gotten me into!
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Dinner host: [after Borat does something outrageous] Leave! The sheriff is on his way!
Borat: What happen? Retard escape?
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End Credits Men's Choir: Kazakhstan greatest country in the world, All other countries are run by little girls. Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium, All other countries have inferior potassium. Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool, Its length thirty meter and width six meter. Filtration system a marvel to behold. It remove 83 percent of human solid waste. Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place, From Plains of Tarashek to northern fence of Jewtown. Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan, They very nosey people with bone in their brain. Kazakhstan industry best in the world, We invented toffee and trouser belt. Kazakhstan's prostitutes cleanest in the region, Except of course Turkmenistan's. Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place, From Plains of Tarashek to northern fence of Jewtown. Come grasp the might penis of our leader From junction with the testes to tip of its face!
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Nursultan Tulyakbay: [when Borat is leaving for America] Wave goodbye to your clock radio, asshole!
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Borat: [to yard sale woman, holding a Barbie doll] Do not try and shrink me gypsy! I serious!
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Borat: [approaches a random pedestrian] Hello, my name is Borat. I am new in town. I say hello?
New York Businessman: Do not touch me. Do not get near my face.
Borat: I kiss you?
New York Businessman: Yeah, you kiss me and I'll pop you in the fucking balls, OK?
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Borat: [catches Azamat pleasuring himself to his Pamela Anderson book] How dare you make hand-party over Pamela!
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Borat: Pamela, will you marry me?
Pamela Anderson: Uh... no thanks. I'm sorry.
Borat: Agreement not necessary.
[he slips his 'wedding sack' over her]
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