The Bad Boys of Saturday Night Live (1998 TV Special)
David Spade: Self, Various Characters
Quotes
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[about Dick Clark's secretary]
Roseanne : This guy gets under your skin like a chigger.
Dick Clark's Secretary : I heard that.
Roseanne : Good!
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Roseanne : Hi, I'm here to see Dick.
Dick Clark's Secretary : Okay, and you are...?
Roseanne : Are you kidding me?
Dick Clark's Secretary : No, ma'am.
Roseanne : Does the name "Roseanne Arnold" ring a bell?
Dick Clark's Secretary : Okay, and he would know you from...?
Roseanne : Maybe from what happens to be my own show, which is like number one in the Nielsens!
Dick Clark's Secretary : Right, now is that like some sort of contest or...?
Roseanne : Are you seriously this stupid? I have my own TV show, you know, like Bill Cosby.
Dick Clark's Secretary : Right. And he is...?
Roseanne : A TV star, like me.
Dick Clark's Secretary : TV...
Roseanne : Yeah, TV! A TV where an electron gun sends electron particles out gray tube and they travel over the airwaves through a satellite then back down to earth in an electronic box that unscrambles them so people can sit and stare at them?
Dick Clark's Secretary : I'm no stranger to sarcasm.
Roseanne : Listen, Peewee! Forty million people see me every Tuesday night!
Dick Clark's Secretary : I only watch PBS, you'll have to forgive me. I'm sure you're very talented. Now if you could just have a seat over there...
Roseanne : Don't you talk down to me, you little tick! I'll send you back on that mangy dog's ass you jumped off of!
Dick Clark's Secretary : Well... using that tone won't get you in any faster. If I were you, I'd have a seat and wait my turn. Now do you need a parking validation or
Roseanne : No!
[Takes a seat, and starts to light a cigarette]
Dick Clark's Secretary : Would you be a dove and not smoke? Thanks.
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[David Spade and Sean Penn discuss tattoos]
David Spade : Now one with the Chinese symbol, what's that one mean?
Sean Penn : Not tellin' ya.
David Spade : Montel Williams?
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David Spade : You remember where you were when JFK was assassinated?
Sean Penn : I was three.
David Spade : Okay, you remember where you were when WAM broke up?
Sean Penn : I don't know, I was crying.
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David Spade : Did you see that talking pig movie?
Sean Penn : No.
David Spade : You didn't see The Net?
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David Spade : Michael Bolton, big star, popular musician, guess what? You're bald and we all know it. I don't care how long you grow your hair in the back but we all know what's happening on top. I know you sold nine million albums but guess what? I don't know anyone who's got one.
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David Spade : Latoya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jackson's, how screwed up do you have to be to be known as the crazy one?
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David Spade : Steve Martin. What about Leap of Faith? I was going to see it but I was sick that day.
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David Spade : Well I finally sat through The Bodyguard and: Iiiiiiiii-eee-iiiiiii-want my money back!
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David Spade : Macaulay Culkin. Hi. First of all, your dad's nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid, you're cute, you got blonde hair, everyone loves you, it's true. Here's the catch: I used to look exactly like you when I was 10. Oh yeah. This is where you're headed, buddy, welcome to hell!
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Sean Penn : What do you, me, and Mickey Rourke all have in common?
David Spade : We're all cool?
Sean Penn : No, we all have tattoos.
David Spade : But I don't have a tattoo.
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David Spade : Katie Couric has this tattoo.
[points to a large, gruesome-looking tattoo]
David Spade : Don't wanna be twinsies!