- Two-Face: Poison Ivy.
- Poison Ivy: It's been a long time, Harvey. You're still looking around halfway decent.
- Two-Face: Half of me wants to strangle ya.
- Poison Ivy: And what does the other half want?
- Two-Face: To hit ya with a truck.
- Poison Ivy: We used to date.
- The Joker, The Penguin, Killer Croc: Ah.
- The Penguin: So, I hear You-Know-Who nailed The Mad Hatter last week...
- The Joker: No kidding! He sure gets around for one guy.
- Two-Face: Yeah, well, that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy.
- Killer Croc: Huh?
- Two-Face: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of them stashed someplace, like a S.W.A.T. team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but...
- The Joker: Ah, you're always seeing double.
- The Penguin: It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.
- The Joker: Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask!
- [Dent, who was adding cream to his coffee, crushes the carton]
- The Joker: Uh, no offense, Harv.
- Two-Face: Just deal...
- Killer Croc: Well, you know what I think?
- The Joker: Not the robot theory again...
- Killer Croc: Well, he could be.
- Poison Ivy: I have this natural immunity against poisons, toxins, the pain and suffering of others. Go figure.
- [Harley switches on the machine, sending Catwoman on a conveyor belt toward a meat grinder, then runs for the door. Batman swoops down and grabs her]
- Harley Quinn: Gee, Batman, what are you gonna do? Kick me around or save your kitty? You've only got time for one.
- [Without letting go of her, Batman turns to the wall, opens the electric panel, and throws the master switch. The machine stops]
- Harley Quinn: [weakly] Heh heh... good call. Help!
- Killer Croc: You'd think one of us would've got 'im by now...
- The Penguin: I've come the closest.
- Poison Ivy: Are you kidding? I was the one who nearly...
- Two-Face: [pounds the table] Nobody's come closer to stopping the Batman than ME!
- [a squabble breaks out, which the Joker ends with a whistle]
- The Joker: The fact is each of us has their own "almost got 'im" story to tell...
- Harley Quinn: It's Late Night Gotham Live, and here's the man who puts a smile on your face whether you want it or not, The Joker!
- The Joker: Good evening folks, I'm The Joker: living proof that you don't have to be crazy to host this show, but it helps! Ha ha!
- Two-Face: [finishing his "almost got him" Batman story] ... And if it weren't for this blasted coin... I would have got him.
- The Joker: Gee, that's too bad, Harv, but I guess you'll always come in second. Anybody else want to go?
- Killer Croc: [hits the table] ME! There I was, holed up in this quarry, when Batman came nosing around. He was getting closer... Closer...
- Poison Ivy: And...?
- Killer Croc: I threw a rock at him!
- [everyone stares in dead silence]
- Poison Ivy: So, Harvey, what became of the giant penny?
- Killer Croc: It was a big rock...
- Two-Face: They actually let him keep it!
- The Penguin: [all the villains have weapons trained on Killer Croc, who is really Batman in disguise] Well, well, an impostor in our midst!
- Poison Ivy: Risking everything for your kitty, Batman?
- Two-Face: You're not getting outta this one!
- Batman: Maybe
- [snaps his fingers. Everyone in the bar turns around and trains guns on the villains]
- Batman: but I'm not bad with traps, myself.
- [Ivy incapacitates Batman with poison gas on Halloween]
- Poison Ivy: [reaching down to pull Batman's mask] It's midnight darling, time to unmask.
- [the Penguin lures and traps Batman in a bird conservatory]
- The Penguin: Greetings, Batman! You have taken the bait, as I knew you would. Now, prepare to meet your end, within my Aviary of Doom!
- Poison Ivy: [interrupting] Aviary of WHAT?
- The Joker: Yeesh, Pengers! How corny can you get?
- The Penguin: Fah! Just because you mundane miscreants have no drama in your souls! Anyway, there he was in my av... uh, big birdhouse...
- Killer Croc: Hey, I don't get it. You just knocked out Catwoman and left her?
- The Joker: Ah, c'mon, Crockers, didn't I say there's more than one way to get someone? Even as I speak, Catwoman is being trussed up at the Pussykins Pet Food Factory. First thing tomorrow I'm sending a lovely case of cat food to Batman. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
- Killer Croc: I don't think so!
- [Croc tosses Joker to a nearby table]
- The Joker: [weakly] Was it something I said?
- [the villains take a closer look at Croc, and realise it's Batman]
- The Penguin: [unleashing a batch of birds on Batman] Beautiful, aren't they? Like glittering fragments of the rainbow. By the way, that mist I sprayed on you is derived from the nectar these birds drink. It's quite harmless. Their poison-tipped beaks, however, are not.
- [he tries to fight them off]
- The Penguin: A scratch or two will merely slow you down. Three or four, and you'll start to get drowsy. And after that, well... I wish I could say it's been nice knowing you.
- Two-Face: Whose deal is it?
- The Penguin: Mine. I find your middling machinations mildly diverting. But, for sheer criminal genius, none surpasses my most recent ornithologically-inspired entoilment.
- The Joker: Smaller words, please. You're losing Croc.
- Killer Croc: [Confused] Uhhh...
- The Joker: We're back with my extra-special guest. So, how's Robin?
- [Batman remains stoically silent]
- The Joker: Moving right along... you know, kids, we've got an item here no home should be without. The laughter-activated electric chair. Yes, sir, the merest titter or guffaw starts the chair's generator revving up towards maximum zappage. Harley?
- Harley Quinn: [demonstrating] Ha ha ha.
- The Joker: But for a real demonstration, we're pumping our studio audience full of my patented laughing gas. These yahoos will laugh at anything now. Even the phone book.
- The Penguin: Naturally, I had flown the coop by the time he escaped. Still, I almost got 'im.
- The Joker: Not even close! You see, the thing you're forgetting is that there are all sorts of ways to "get" someone. Take my latest run-in with Batsy. It was just last night, as the entire country was tuning in to its favorite talk show.
- [a woman approaches the archcriminals' table]
- Killer Croc: Scram, lady! This is a private...
- [Poison Ivy kicks the chair out from underneath Croc]
- [the Joker wins the poker game]
- Poison Ivy: Awww...
- Two-Face: No way!
- Killer Croc: Forget this!
- The Penguin: Let me see those cards!
- [first lines]
- [a poker game starts at the Stacked Deck Club]
- The Joker: I want a nice, clean game, gentlemen.
- The Penguin: That'll be a first...
- Harley Quinn: [to a tied-up Catwoman] I had a kitty once. You know, they don't always land on their feet.
- The Joker: We've got a real treat for you, kids. I ran into my first guest last night while making a withdrawal from the bank. You know him as the Dark Knight, but we prefer to think of him as history. Here he is, the one and only... Batman!
- Catwoman: Thanks for coming after me.
- Batman: I owed you.
- Catwoman: Well, I'd like to think our relationship isn't just restricted to saving each other from freaks and weirdos, and that maybe we'd have a place for each other without Gotham, without the freaks, maybe without masks.
- [She leans forward to kiss him]
- Batman: Maybe
- [last lines]
- Catwoman: [Catwoman is distracted by the sound of a siren, and turns to see Batman swinging away]
- [smiles coyly]
- Catwoman: Hmm.
- [shakes her head]
- Catwoman: Almost got 'im.
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