Will Robinson: Daddy Zach...

Dr. Zachary Smith: Daddy Zach, indeed! I never want to hear that revolting name ever again in my presence!

Announcer: [voiceover] Last week, as you recall, Will had joined Dr. Smith and the robot in a search for wild truffles, little dreaming that they would find something far different, something that would plunge them into an incredible adventure with creatures from another, mysterious world.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Dr. Smith, look! A crown!

Will Robinson: I see it's a crown. I have eyes in my head. The question is, what is a crown doing here?

Dr. Zachary Smith: [admiring a crown] Oh, my. Those rubies are as large as hen's eggs.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [having gotten the alien crown off his head] Oh, what a horrible feeling. That thing just wouldn't let go me. A thousand and one pins and needles penetrated every inch of my body. Do be careful with that thing, my boy. It bites.

Will Robinson: Well, it wouldn't have happened if you hadn't touched it. Remember what you said about property rights.

Dr. Zachary Smith: When you grow up, my boy, I hope you will also grow in tolerance for the weaknesses of others. I just couldn't help myself. Put it down. Put it DOWN!

The Robot: There is no danger in this object for the boy.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Quiet, you disreputable dunce! Why didn't you help me in my hour of need?

Nexus: I am Nexus of Andronica. My companions and I have crossed ninety light years of space seeking a being worthy to wear that crown. At last we have found him. All hail our majesty.

Will Robinson: My name's Will Robinson, Mr. Nexus, but I'm not a king. I'm only from the planet Earth.

Nexus: It is a tradition that a king of Andronica must always come from off-planet stock to prevent weak rulers.

Dr. Zachary Smith: A fine little lad. I know he'll make an excellent king.

Nexus: But he has refused.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I have a great deal of influence over his young mind. I KNOW I can convince him to see reason. Oh course, it would have to be made worth my while, perhaps a regency until the boy comes of age?

Nexus: That would place a great deal of power in your hands, Dr. Smith. You would be virtually ruler of Andronica and its subject planets.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Suppose the boy continues to refuse?

Nexus: Then we must select another candidate - one of sublime intelligence, extraordinary valor, judicial wisdom and royal bearing.

Dr. Zachary Smith: That does narrow the field somewhat.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I told him that under no circumstances would you even consider accepting the thrown. I told him that we were all believers in the democratic principle and that the divine right of kings had no place among us. In short, I told him to, uh... uh, forget it.

Nexus: You place great premium on cunning, Dr. Smith.

Dr. Zachary Smith: [at the merest suggesting of being made king] Me? Oh, I wouldn't dream of taking on such a burden, a simple man like me.

Nexus: But you said, yourself, you were descended form kings.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Remotely, dear friend. Only remotely.

Nexus: But I'm sure you have those peculiar virtues required of kings.

Dr. Zachary Smith: A compendium of virtues, if I say so myself.

Nexus: We, uh, might do worse in selecting a king.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, then, you couldn't be considering modest, unassuming me?

Nexus: Ah, but we could. In fact, the more I consider it, the more I think you were made for the job, Dr. Smith.

Dr. Zachary Smith: How uneasy lies the head that wears a crown. Do you mean it?

Nexus: I do.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Oh, the pain of it. The royal pain of it all. I ACCEPT!

Nexus: Professor John Robinson?

Prof. John Robinson: I'm Professor Robinson.

Nexus: You and your entire company are commanded under peril of royal displeasure to present yourselves for judgement tomorrow at the final audience of his majesty Zachary the First before he leaves this place to assume his royal duties as King of Andronica.

Prof. John Robinson: You may tell your, um... your royal master that we'll be there.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Ah, one of your quaint religious rites, no doubt. Purely symbolic in nature?

Alien: No-no. Sacrifice king so everybody be happy, well, prosperous in year to come.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Sacrifice the king?

Alien: Skin him, stuff him - very good stuffing, last many years. Ten thousand years from now, you look same, stand in hall of immortal kings, very great honor.

Alien: Your people want Smith - I GIVE them Smith.

Will Robinson: What did they do to you in there?

Daddy Zach: Really nothing, my dear boy, merely awakened me to the potentials of the world in which I live, to my own capacity for doing good, to the wonder of scattering a little sunshine as I travel through life.

Will Robinson: Well, you sure have changed.

The Robot: My memory banks do not identify you as Dr. Zachary Smith.

Daddy Zach: Do I look like Dr. Smith?

The Robot: You stand like Dr. Smith.

Daddy Zach: Do I talk like Dr. Smith?

The Robot: The tonal quality is identical.

Daddy Zach: Then, I must be Dr. Smith.

The Robot: That does not necessarily compute.

Dr. Zachary Smith: I shall be a new Smith - trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent.

Alien: Already is such a Smith.

Daddy Zach: Call me Zach.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Zach, indeed. That I should live to hear my distinguished name bandied about in this fashion.

Daddy Zach: Oh, come-come, Zach, we both know what the name stands for, at least until now.

Dr. Zachary Smith: What do you mean, sir?

Daddy Zach: I mean that you are shiftless, unreliable, cowardly, two-faced and a liar. Shall I go on?

Dr. Zachary Smith: I shall not remain to hear myself insulted.

Daddy Zach: Fetch me my royal crown and raiment. If you must take me, I shall go as your king!

Alien: Oh, yes, you are king - for Festival of Sacrifice.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Festival of Sacrifice?

Alien: Big festival, everybody come. Drink gloog, make sleemoth.

Alien: We set out bait for you.

Dr. Zachary Smith: For me? But the crown rejected me when I first put it on.

Alien: Make you want it more. Make you lie, betray your friends to become king. You pass test for kind of king we want. Here, have gloog.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Thank you very much.

Alien: It GOOD for you! Make stuffing work better.

Dr. Zachary Smith: But why me? Why take a rascal like me when you have available a noble mind like Professor Robinson or great physical courage like Major West or incipient genius like Will?

Alien: You are USELESS creature; they are USEFUL creatures. Is wasteful to sacrifice useful creatures as king.

Dr. Zachary Smith: You mean, you select your kings because they're useless?

Alien: Sure. Nobody miss them. Nobody care.

Prof. John Robinson: Do you have any idea what they'll do to you?

Daddy Zach: Perhaps I can make an arrangement with them, and if not, at least I shall be a king for a little while. I might even learn to drink gloog and make sleemoth.

Daddy Zach: Good morning, dear boy. Why don't you just sit down and let Daddy Zack bring your breakfast.

Will Robinson: "Daddy... ZACK?"

The Robot: It does not compute.

Dr. Zachary Smith: Daddy Zach - BAH!