Jack: Dude, forget Stainer. All right? I think you could get her back.
Stainer: OK, then why don't you look Kirk in the eyes and tell him that you believe he's gonna end up with Molly. Just tell him that.
Jack: Fine. Kirky, I truly believe that... I mean, I think anything is possible.
Kirk: "Anything is possible"?
Devon: Come on! Like there's a million examples of guys like Kirky ending up with a beautiful woman.
Stainer: Such as?
Devon: Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts.
Jack: Right. Richie Sambora and Heather Locklear. Then he went on to Denise Richards.
Stainer: All recording artists. Normal rules don't apply to those guys. Kirk, as soon as you record an album and it goes platinum, you can push your meat into any human being you want.
Jack: OK, OK, OK. King Kong and Naomi Watts.
Stainer: They never consummated. Totally platonic relationship.
Jack: Stephen Hawking and his lady nurse.
Stainer: He's the master of space and time. He knows about black holes and shit.
Devon: What about the President of France and that girl that went out with Mick Jagger.
Stainer: He knows about wine. And he has a french accent. He could probably French kiss like a motherfucker.
Devon: Wait a second... The Beast.
Devon: The Beast from Beauty and the Beast. Beast won Beauty's love and he wasn't rich or a recording artist. Though, he did have an amazing voice.
Stainer: OK, Devon, that's a cartoon. But yes, that's one. One out of a million.
Devon: You know what, Stainer? All it takes is one. Man, you... You guys sit here and talk about relationships but the truth is, I'm the only one here that's married. Yeah, and I'm tired of you guys busting my nuggets cause I've only been with one girl. It's cause she was the right girl! That's why I married her! So, Kirky, let me tell you something, if Molly is the right girl, that's all that matters. You just, you stand up. You stand up. You get in front of her. You get right in her grill and you say, "Hey, I am Kirk Kettner, and I am right here, standing in front of you... right here. Here I am." Something like that.
Stainer: Power of love.
Jack: Very... perfect.
Devon: Thank you. I was in debate, junior/senior year. I don't know if you guys remember that.
Kirk: Devon, why would you tell her that I broke up with Molly?
Devon: Cause I thought you had.
Kirk: No. We're just in a sticky wicket.
Stainer: A "sticky wicket"?
Kirk: Yeah. A rough patch. Rough pumpkins.
Stainer: And how many times have you called her?
Stainer: And how many times have you really called her?
Stainer: It's done. Tao of Love.
Stainer: That's what I call it. The Tao of Love. You being with Molly defies, like, forces of nature. It's over man.
Kirk: No. It's not over. Frankly, I'm sick of all you guys pretending like you know where I'm coming from. None of you know what I'm going through right now.
Stainer: Tina Jordan does.
Kirk: Who the hell is Tina Jordan?
Stainer: She was my Molly.
Kirk: You never mentioned her.
Stainer: I didn't want to jinx it. But she was perfect. Yeah, perfect. Freckled shoulders. Anyway, two months into it, bam, she dumps me. I shoulda seen it coming too, cause she was a ten. Like a hard ten. I was a six, possibly a seven. Either way, I couldn't cover the spread. The universe spoke and I was depressed for months.
Kirk: That's what that was? You said you had mono.
Stainer: Yeah. Mono of the heart.
Jack: OK, my God, how's your vagina?
Stainer: Shut up, Jack!
Stainer: Okay, anyway... I love Kirky, but let's face it, the guy's a five.
Devon: Stainer, that's just a dirty pool. He's at least a six.
Stainer: A six? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.
Jack: Come on, cut him some slack. Look. Half a point cause he's a nice guy. Right? And he's funny, so that's half a point each. That brings him to six. Devon's right.
Stainer: But he drives a shitbox, deduct a point. Take a point off.
Kirk: Wait, what's wrong with my Neon?
Stainer: Oh, I don't know, except the people who make that car don't even like it. So, we're back to a five.
Stainer: Meanwhile, this Molly, is a hard ten. And that five point disparity, that's a chasm. Chasm? Chasm. You can't jump more than two points.
Kirk: Where do you get this shit?
Stainer: Trust me, Kirk. I can't even get a ten.
Jack: [chuckles] Oh. Not even you, huh?
Stainer: I'm a six! OK?
Jack: Bullshit, you're a six. Then what am I?
Stainer: You're an eight.
Jack: OK, you're a six then.
Stainer: But I get a one point bump cause I'm in a band.
Kirk: Stainer, you're in a Hall and Oats cover band. I'm pretty sure that's a deduction.
Stainer: Adult Education is a tribute band. So that puts me back at seven. On a good day, the best I can bag is a nine.
Kirk: What about your crappy car?
Stainer: Artist's exemption. I'm expected to have a shitty car.
Jack: Is there an artist exemption for talking out your ass?
Stainer: Yeah, it's called being a rock star, Jack! Look it up in the dictionary. It's right next to "fuck you!"
Devon: I think this system's ridiculous. All right? If someone really loves you, then you are a ten.
Jack: My God. What are you... Are you Hannah Montanna? Because nothing you are saying right now is of any help to Kirk.
Patty: Go shit in your hand.
Molly: You think I'm too perfect? So you were hoping there was something wrong with me so you could be with me?
Kirk: Look at the evidence, Molly. I'm unattractive, I'm out of shape, I'm uncoordinated, I've never been to Europe, I'm not a college graduate, I drive a Neon.
Molly: I like your Neon.
Kirk: Oh come on, Molly, look at me. I'm a 5. This is a 5. Hard 5. You can't jump more than two points. It's the Tao of Love. Everybody knows that. Even if you were a 9 and I was in a band. But no, you're a hard 10.
Molly: What are you talking about?
Kirk: Do you even know how hot you are? No, you probably think that everybody gets free shit everywhere they go and everybody's happy and nice to each other in shiny happy hot town with you and all your hot friends and ex boyfriends, but I hate to break it to you, it's not the same for the rest of us.
Molly: Okay, Kirk. You clearly have some major self-esteem issues.
Kirk: You lied about me to your parents right in front of me!
Molly: No I didn't!
Kirk: "Kirk's in aviation?" That's like saying the guy who shovels elephant shit at the circus is in show business. No, he's just the elephant shit guy. That's me. I'm that guy.
Stainer: Kirk that Molly girl is insanely hot.
Kirk: Yeah I know.
Stainer: So you know whats happening? She is setting you up with the bitchy friend. Which will be perfect for you because you like bitches.
Kirk: That's fine Patty is not a bitch. She's... uh... just different.
Stainer: Yeah different in that she is a bitch and other people aren't.
Stainer: Okay now I know you've gone crazy. You are telling me the hottest chick I've ever met in my life wants you, and the hamburglar wasn't into me? Listen to yourself... FUCK YOU.
Devon: It is a pretty impressive catch Kirkey.
Stainer: Yeah the day that happens is the day Jack sleeps with your wife.
Stainer: What? Did that already happen?
Devon: We weren't technically dating yet.
Stainer: My bad.
Ron: Come on in for a dip girl.
Molly: Oh no, I don't even have a bathing suit.
Dylan: You can wear your underwear. It's just like a bikini it covers all the good shit.
Ron: Yeah underwear is fine.
Ron: It's like what they did in the old days.
Molly: Underwear would be fine if I were wearing any.
Stainer: Fuller, you have a choice. You can step aside. Or you can fight me. If that is how you want to go, I warn you, I will go dark side. Okay? I will rip out your hair. I will bite your chin off. And I will stab you in the eyes with confiscated scissors. Because I'm an insane mother fucker. You know that from the break room. What's it going to be?
Molly: You know what, Kirk? Maybe you're right. Maybe you are a 5. You know why? No self-esteem, deduct a point. Every time someone walks into a room, you compare yourself to them. Deduct a point. You're a smart and talented guy who's afraid to do anything with it. Deduct a point. Um, how are we doing? Oh, oh yeah! Hoping that I have a defect that you can work with? Deduct whatever's left.
Kirk: I'm out of here. Webbed fucking feet, are you kidding me?
Kirk: Hey, do me a favor. Tell "foot long" I say hi.
Molly: He's my EX boyfriend, Kirk. EX. And do you even know why we broke up?
Kirk: Why, because you guys couldn't decide which one of you was hotter?
Molly: No, because he behaved EXACTLY like you're behaving right now. He couldn't handle it. He thought I was perfect. He had me on a pedestal that I couldn't possibly live up to! Oh, and one other little thing? He cheated on me! And so after that I said to myself I am not going to date guys like that anymore.
Kirk: Guys like that? So, what? You're just, you're going to date guys like me?
Molly: Is that what you want to hear? That I asked you out because I thought you were safe?
Kirk: Yeah, please, keep going.
Molly: That I thought that a guy who looks like you wouldn't hurt me? Is that what you want to hear, Kirk? Are you happy now?
Kirk: Yeah, I'm ecstatic.
Kirk: This is when you say Hi Molly.
Dylan: Who are you?
Kirk: She is Molly.
Ron: Why is she here?
Kirk: She came with me.
Dylan: Did you hit her car or something?
Kirk: Jesus... No but thank you for asking.
Dylan: Are you a social worker?
Dylan: Aw shit are we being evicted?
Dylan: Are you a hooker?
Dylan: Or a prostitute I mean?
Kirk: Marnie, I know that we agreed to take some time off and I think that was a great idea. My God. Gave us both a chance to experiment, if you will, and meet all sorts of new and interesting, different people. You did quite a bit more experimenting than I did. A lot more experimenting. You are like a scientist. Beakers... But obviously I'm cool with that, cause the thing is, I think, we're stronger as a result. But here's the thing, Marnie... it's been two years. That's a lot of time off. And I'm ready for some time on. I miss you. I miss us. I got something for you.
[pulls out earring box]
Kirk: What do you think?
Stainer: Aww, man, it's depressing. I mean, it's really depressing. It's horrible to watch you like this.
Devon: I think it's really pretty. How's it work?
Jack: What the hell is that?
Kirk: I got it for Valentine's Day, right before she broke up with me. Stainer, I know you don't like her very much.
Stainer: No, no, I hate her. In fact, the day that you broke up with her, I marked that down in my calendar as a day of rejoicement. I'm gonna celebrate it with a cake with her face on it, but instead of eating it, I'm gonna smash it. OK? You can do a lot better. You deserve a lot better, Kirky.
Kirk: I thank you. But, I've seen what's out there and I don't think it gets any better.
Jack: When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?
Kirk: I went out on four different dates, with three girls and that guy. I don't know what his intentions were, but it's fine. We had a great conversation. I think he was just looking for a friend.
Jack: Do you know what your problem is, Kirk?
Jack: You're a moodle.
Kirk: A moodle?
Jack: A man poodle. Girls, they wanna take you out on a walk. They wanna feed you, they wanna cuddle you, but make no mistake, no girl wants to do the moodle.
Stainer: No one would ever fuck a moodle.
Jack: No, he's right. I'm telling you, if you wanna get Marney back, she has got to believe that from the second she broke up with you, your life has been a non-stop snatch parade.
Devon: Or... you could just be who you are. Why can't that be good enough?
Stainer: [holding earring box] Why don't you just put your fucking balls in here?
Kirk: I've seen what is out there and I don't think it gets any better.
Jack: When have you been out there? When have you left the apartment?
Kirk: I went out on 4 different dates. With 3 girls and that guy... I... I don't know what his intentions were but it is fine. We had a great conversation. He was just looking for a friend.
Stainer: A 6? Alright you go ahead and pump rainbows into his asshole. I'm just being honest.
Stainer: Hey, Kirk, um, my shift doesn't start for another half-hour, but, I was so excited, so uh, I came early.
Jack: Yeah, and it was weird, he said he was really excited, and so he came early.
Stainer: Yeah. Has that ever happened to you? You're so excited about something that, you come early, you know?
Kirk: Jesus Christ Devon, you're Fort Knox over here. Thank you very much.
Kirk: What is he? A dog or a fucking horse?
Kirk: I come in peace.
Molly: OK so, you're gonna tell me exactly what's going on?
Stainer: In ten minutes Kirk is leaving on a plane for Branson with a horrible, horrible girl.
Stainer: Yes! Let's go.
Molly: If Kirk's getting back together with Marnie I'm not going!
Stainer: In fourth grade I peed my pants. On several occasions. Everybody started calling me Stainer. Do you know how I made it through those dark days?
Molly: Plastic underwear?
Stainer: In part. But also Kirk. You see he told me to own that name. call myself Stainer so that nobody could hurt me with it.
Molly: What's your point?
Stainer: Kirk is the best guy that I know. But he's like... he's like a spider. You know, he's more afraid of you than you are of him. And he also has long legs and... Look, if you want him, you gotta go get him.
Patty: How the fuck did you get my number?