Carolyn Stoddard: [about the planned ball] I have to hand it to you. This is a happening. I guess the only thing missing is Alice Cooper.
Barnabas Collins: Perhaps you should go and acquaint yourself with the evening's entertainment.
[At the ball, he sees who Alice Cooper really is]
Barnabas Collins: ...ugliest woman I've ever seen.
Angelique Bouchard: I'm going to make an offer to you, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... or I'll put you back in the box.
Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: What do you think of the President?
Victoria Winters: Never met him.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: What do you think of the war?
Victoria Winters: I don't watch television.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Do you think the sexes should be equal?
Victoria Winters: Heavens, no. Men would become quite unmanageable.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: I think we're going to get along fine.
Angelique Bouchard: [wanting Barnabas to love her] What if I made you?
Barnabas Collins: With what, a spell? A little doll with pins? That is not love!
Angelique Bouchard: With THIS!
[starts to strip]
Barnabas Collins: Oh.
Angelique Bouchard: With the body you once begged me for!
Barnabas Collins: I must admit, those have not aged a day...
Carolyn Stoddard: I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you.
Barnabas Collins: Do not fear, my child. I simply seek advice on the art of courting a woman of this time... Land. And who better to tutor me than a woman of your age? What is your age, if I may?
Carolyn Stoddard: Fifteen.
Barnabas Collins: Fifteen and no husband. You must put those birthing hips to good use at once lest your womb shrivel up and die.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're weird.
Barnabas Collins: But do you think me too weird for a woman of this... land?
Carolyn Stoddard: You obviously mean Vicky.
Barnabas Collins: She has the most fertile birthing hips I have ever laid eyes upon.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're way too weird.
Barnabas Collins: Do you really think so?
Carolyn Stoddard: You're all stiff, proper and old-fashioned.
Barnabas Collins: And Victoria... Is she not proper?
Carolyn Stoddard: She likes to pretend she's rock 'n' roll. She's a Carpenters kind of chick for sure.
Barnabas Collins: Do you mean to say that she has a penchant for woodworkers?
Carolyn Stoddard: The Carpenters are musicians, stupid.
Barnabas Collins: Ah, music. Yes, I'm rather fond of the music of the day. "I am a picker, I am a grinner / I am a lover and I am a sinner / I play my music in the sun" If only Shakespeare had been as eloquent.
Carolyn Stoddard: Okay. If you wanna get with her, you're gonna have to change your approach. Drop the whole weird Swinging London thing and hang out with a few normal people.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: What did you do to my daughter?
Angelique Bouchard: The family tree needed a little spicing up, so I sent a werewolf to bite her as a child.
Angelique Bouchard: Just as I sent David's mother to the bottom of the ocean, rendering him a motherless whelp!
[turns to Barnabas]
Angelique Bouchard: And as for you... I killed your parents, and every one of your lovers. They kept us apart.
Barnabas Collins: Here are my terms: Goest thou to hell, and swiftly please, and there may Azmodaeus himself suckle from your diseased teat!
[at a hippie commune]
Barnabas Collins: I am reminded of a line from Erich Segal's 'Love Story': "Love means never having to say you're sorry." However, it is with sincere regret that I must now kill all of you.
[screaming is heard at the commune]
Barnabas Collins: [narrates] It is said that blood is thicker than water. It is what joins us, binds us... curses us. My name is Barnabas Collins, and my curse has finally been broken.
Barnabas Collins: [dodging a vomit projectile from Angelique] Missed me!
[takes a hit]
Barnabas Collins: [enters Dr Hoffman's laboratory] We must intensify our efforts! I have an urgent need to be human again!
[stops short as he sees Julia injecting herself with blood]
Dr. Julia Hoffman: I can explain...
Barnabas Collins: My God! You're not using your blood to make me human. You're using my blood to make yourself immortal!
Dr. Julia Hoffman: Barnabas, you have a gift. You better get a hold over yourself...
Barnabas Collins: The Collins family took you in and bestowed their sacred trust upon you, and you brazenly betray that trust?
Dr. Julia Hoffman: I'm sorry. I just didn't want to grow old. I want to be beautiful, and I want to live forever like you.
Barnabas Collins: I am afraid that is out of the question!
Angelique Bouchard: If I can't have you, my love, I'll destroy you!
Barnabas Collins: Tell me, what do you know of Barnabas Collins?
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Just legends, really. Two centuries ago, a witch turned him into a vampire and locked him away.
Barnabas Collins: What is known of his death?
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Nothing.
Barnabas Collins: That, madam, is because he never died. I am Barnabas Collins.
[reveals a secret passage]
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Then, you...
Barnabas Collins: I am a vampire, madam. But I am also a Collins, and I swear by all I hold sacred I will not harm anyone under this roof.
Barnabas Collins: I have spent the last two centuries locked in a box, with nothing to keep me occupied but a glimpse into the dark shadows of my soul.
[Barnabas catches Victoria at Widow's Hill]
Barnabas Collins: [embraces her] I thought I'd lost you!
Victoria Winters: You already have. We can never be together, Barnabas: I belong in the light and you belong in the shadows, I'll age and die while you live on.
Barnabas Collins: We can still find a way...
Victoria Winters: There's only one way.
Barnabas Collins: [immediately understands] No! I will not make you suffer as I have!
[Victoria smiles at him, and falls]
Barnabas Collins: NO!
[Barnabas arrives at Collinwood in 1972]
Barnabas Collins: My beloved home, what have they done to you?
[Barnabas grabs a construction worker]
Barnabas Collins: I am terribly sorry, but you cannot imagine how thirsty I am...
[going down a tunnel in the fireplace]
Barnabas Collins: My father had quite a flair for secret passages; as a boy, I took it upon myself to discover each one. But this one is my favourite. "Family is the only real wealth," he would often remark. Though, clearly, he was not opposed to other kinds...
[reveals a vault]
Victoria Winters: I don't know why, but in some ways I feel I can tell you anything. It's like I've known you forever.
Barnabas Collins: Yes.
Victoria Winters: It's as if I am hypnotized...
Barnabas Collins: Yes... Wait, no! I have used no such trickery upon you, I assure you!
Victoria Winters: I don't know what it is, I just know that there's always been something pulling me here, pulling me to Collinsport and you...
Willie Loomis: Captain Clarney, I'd like you to meet Barnabas Collins.
Clarney: Collins? And uh, why does a Collins want to talk to me?
Barnabas Collins: To offer you a contract.
Clarney: I have a contract. With Angel Bay.
Barnabas Collins: And if I told you I could offer you a better one?
Clarney: Then, Mr. Collins, I would tell you to take a long walk off a short pier.
[Someone enters the mausoleum where Barnabas is imprisoned]
Barnabas Collins: Who's there? Oh, please, I swear on Heaven you will come to no harm! Please! Please! How many decades has it been?
David Collins: It's been twenty minutes.
Barnabas Collins: Oh, Master David! However did you find me?
David Collins: My mommy told me. You must think I'm crazy...
Barnabas Collins: Master David, I think nothing of the sort!
Barnabas Collins: My name is Barnabas Collins. Two centuries ago, I made Collinwood my home... until a jealous witch cursed me, condemning me to the shadows, for all time.
Barnabas Collins: A woman doctor... what an age this is.
Dr. Julia Hoffman: Every year I get half as pretty and twice as drunk.
Angelique Bouchard: I'm willing to start over, Barnabas! I'm willing to call a truce if you'll just... take me!
Barnabas Collins: I am not what I once was.
Angelique Bouchard: I can change that.
Barnabas Collins: And if I refuse?
Angelique Bouchard: I'll take everything you love, starting with that little creature you've been eying so fondly! The one who looks like JOSETTE!
[throws herself on a couch and opens her legs]
Barnabas Collins: Well then, I suppose, strictly in the name of her honour, I must now defile myself for a few seconds...
[Barnabas hoists up Roger]
Roger Collins: What are you d...?
Barnabas Collins: I am about to do something so repellent, it sickens me to my very core!... I am going to give you a choice: you can either devote every waking moment to being an exemplary father to young David.
Roger Collins: Or...?
Barnabas Collins: Or you can leave, with sufficient funds to provide for the rest of your life.
Barnabas Collins: Yes, I killed Dr Hoffman, and those workmen, as well as some very nice unshaven people. For every life I take, a part of my soul dies! But I kill, only because I am COMPELLED to.
Angelique Bouchard: [looks around Collinwood] Whoa, you've really let this place go to hell... right where it belongs.
[describing his liberation at the construction site]
Barnabas Collins: I was awakened, by a giant dragon with millions of teeth and a thousand shining eyes!
Barnabas Collins: [seeing "Scooby-Doo"] This is a very silly play.
Barnabas Collins: [to the police] I am prepared to go with you quietly, providing that no other members of my family come to harm. And that Miss Bouchard accompanies me.
Barnabas Collins: After all, are not the two of us kindred?
Angelique Bouchard: Go ahead, slaughter me! Show them what you are!
Barnabas Collins: No, I shall show them what WE are!
Angelique Bouchard: Sleeping flame, I summon thee / To your form return / Make the night as bright as day / And burn, baby, burn!
[receiving transfusions of human blood]
Barnabas Collins: You must have faith, Doctor. For if a man can become a monster, then a monster can become a man.
Barnabas Collins: [to Elizabeth] Know this: I mean to stay. I mean to be a part of this family again.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: His name was Barnabas Collins, and he was the finest man this family ever knew.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: [Barnabas has saved David from being crushed by a falling mirror ball, but is now standing in direct sunlight] Barnabas... you're on fire.
Barnabas Collins: [narrates] It is said that blood is thicker than water. It is what defines us, binds us... curses us.
Angelique Bouchard: Here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to destroy everything you love, so that you'll have nothing left in your life but me!
[puts her underwear on Barnabas]
Angelique Bouchard: [pulls out her heart, offers it to Barnabas] Take it.
Dr. Julia Hoffman: David believes his mother is a celestial immortality. Fascinating.
Willie Loomis: [drunk] It's October. S'why there's punkins.
Barnabas Collins: [narrates] Of all the servants I could have spurned, of all the hearts I could have broken, I got one with a secret. I got the witch.
Barnabas Collins: [sees and touches an asphalt road for the first time] Curious terrain.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: I always thought there was something strange about Angie, but a witch...
Barnabas Collins: It is she whose hate was so strong she turned me into this hideous creature!
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: No, if she had hated you she would have merely killed you. A curse takes devotion.
[Barnabas searches for Victoria]
David Collins: She's headed for Widow's Hill!
Victoria Winters: [about David] He claims to talk to his dead mother. Part of me thinks it's a fantasy, to gain attention. Another part believes it's real, that things such as magic and ghosts do exist. Still, whichever it is to make him happy. I mean as long as one gains happiness, who am I to argue with how they find it?
Barnabas Collins: Eloquently put.
Carolyn Stoddard: Woof.
[after having sex]
Barnabas Collins: That was a regrettable turn of events.
Angelique Bouchard: You didn't seem to regret it.
Barnabas Collins: Yes. It seems that even in death, I have a weakness for the living flesh... especially yours.
Angelique Bouchard: What a cold way to describe something so hot.
Barnabas Collins: Perhaps. But I cannot succumb to your charms ever again. Please, forgive me.
Bearded Hippie: You know the best thing about this war? It's so bad, it's gotta be the last one!
[Josette appears before Victoria]
Josette du Pres: He's coming... he's coming...
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Welcome home, Barnabas Collins.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: [to Victoria] Welcome to Collinwood. You'll have to imagine us on a better day.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're all stiff and proper and old-fashioned.
Barnabas Collins: And Victoria? Is she not proper?
Carolyn Stoddard: She likes to pretend she's rock'n'roll, but she's a Carpenters kind of chick for sure.
Barnabas Collins: Do you mean to say that she has a penchant for woodworkers?
Carolyn Stoddard: The Carpenters are musicians, stupid.
Barnabas Collins: Ahhh, music... Yes, I'm rather fond of the music of the day. "I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover and I'm a sinner. I play my music in the sun."
Barnabas Collins: [locked in a box] Let me out! Let me out, I say! Release me!
Willie Loomis: Fire! Murder! Mob, angry!
Josette du Pres: Help me...
Victoria Winters: Hello, my name is Maggie Ev... Hello, my name is Victoria Winters. Please, call me Vicky.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: She's a witch!
[points at Angelique]
Willie Loomis: [brandishes an axe] You're gonna have to go through me!
[Angelique hurls him aside]
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Peace wins every war.