Mike Chadway: [sarcasticly] Oh, I know, I've got a great idea! Why don't we pass the time with you telling me how much *fun* you and Colin had having sex in Los Angeles?
Abby Richter: I broke up with Colin in Los Angeles, you jackass!
Mike Chadway: What?
Abby Richter: Oh, oh yeah, that's got your interest. Well if you think we're going to finish what we started in L. A. you are out of your mind. You lost your chance.
Mike Chadway: Oh, c'mon, I never had a chance with you.
Abby Richter: You're right. I had a momentary lapse in judgement when I thought you were more than you are, but you aren't. Clearly.
Mike Chadway: Oh, yeah? Well what does that mean?
Abby Richter: [mockingly] I'm Mike Chadway. I like girls in Jello. I like to fuck like a monkey. Don't fall in love. It's scary.
Mike Chadway: Yeah, it is scary. It's terrifying. Especially when I'm in love with a psycho like you.
Abby Richter: I am not a psycho!
Mike Chadway: I just told you that I loved you and all you heard was "psycho." Well you're the definition of neurotic.
Abby Richter: No! The definition of neurotic is a person who suffers from anxiety, obessive thoughts, compulsive acts, and, and physical ailments without any objective evidence of...
Mike Chadway: Shut up! Yet again I just told you I'm in love with you and you're standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson.
Abby Richter: You're in love with me. Why?
Mike Chadway: Beats the shit out of me, but I am.
[she leans over and kisses him]
Mike Chadway: Rule #3, men are very visual. We have to change your look.
Abby Richter: What's wrong with my look?
Mike Chadway: [From red band clip] Abby, you're a very attractive woman, but you're completely inaccessible. You're all about comfort and efficiency!
Abby Richter: What's wrong with comfort and efficiency?
Mike Chadway: Well nothing, except no one wants to fuck it.
Mike Chadway: I want to thank you for getting me this gig, I would never have gotten it without you. You and I? We make good TV.
Mike Chadway: *YOU* make imbecillic trash watched by house-bound inbreds who are so busy with their hands down their pants they can't change the remote.
Mike Chadway: I, I hadn't really been picturing you that way, but it's a nice image.
Abby Richter: I do not watch your program. My cat stepped on the remote.
Mike Chadway: Well, you want to thank your pussy for me, then?
Mike Chadway: [to Abby, on how to attract Colin] You have to be two people. The saint and the sinner. The librarian and the stripper.
Abby Richter: I'm sorry, but Jack Magnun will no longer be able to do 'The Ugly Truth', which should really come as no surprise because men are completely unreliable. Take Mike Chadway, for instance. He up and quit the show, without so much as a word. You think you know what men are going to do. You think you know what men want to do, but when it comes right down to that moment where they need to step up and, I don't know, make a move - they chicken out.
Mike: Oh! I am all over this.
Abby Richter: The big strong brave men, that we've all been reading about in novels and watching in movies since we've been nine years old, - -that's a fallacy. They don't exist. Men are not strong. Men are not brave. Men, are afraid. Even if they have a moment in a hotel elevator and it's totally romantic and full of potential, men are incapable of copping to it because, why? Men are weak.
Mike: Let me tell you something about women. Women would have us believe that they are the victims; That we break their hearts for sport. That's crap. They say they want romance, they say they want true love, but all they want is a check list. Is he perfect? Is he handsome? Is he a doctor? For you men who fit the criteria, don't kid yourselves. Cuz they're not sleeping with you, they're sleeping with a carefully calculated set of venal choices. Money over substance, looks over soul, polished over principles. No gesture, no matter how real or romantic will ever compensate for a really impressive list of credentials.
Abby Richter: This coming from a man who's never made a gesture other than this one.
Mike Chadway: Now, we have to teach you flirting.
Abby Richter: I know how to flirt.
Mike Chadway: You know how to flirt. "Oh, my name's Abby and I love reading Tolstoy. I also love cats, gardening, and romantic picnics." I don't think so.
Abby Richter: [grabs Mike's ass, imitating his voice] Hey baby, you wearing any underwear?
Mike Chadway: Hey, you know what? I wouldn't say that, and I wouldn't grab ass.
Abby Richter: [still imitating him] What's wrong with a little ass grabbing, I mean what's it there for if not for me to grab it?
[Mike feigns a groan]
Abby Richter: You're just a set of orifices, and a pair of tee-ta's.
[she squeezes Mike's ass tightly which makes him jokingly wince in pain]
Mike Chadway: And you are a deeply, deeply disturbed person.
Abby Richter: [normal voice] Hmm, maybe I'm just a really good student.
[Runs her hand down his chest and upper body]
Mike Chadway: Would you stop doing that?
Abby Richter: Doing what?
[still running her finger up and down his body]
Mike Chadway: Running your finger down... there... over me.
Abby Richter: Why, is it turning you on?
Mike Chadway: [forces a laugh as if to say "yeah right"] Maybe.
Abby Richter: [seductively] It's weird, I think I kinda like it.
Mike Chadway: Really?
Abby Richter: [leaning in, her face almost touching his] Sucker.
Mike Chadway: [annoyed] I knew it. Okay, no teaching the teacher.
Mike Chadway: Rule #4: Never talk about your problems 'cause men don't really listen or care.
Abby Richter: Some men care!
Mike Chadway: No, some men pretend to care. When we ask how you're doing, it's just guy code for "let me stick my dick in your ass".
Abby Richter: OOH!
Mike Chadway: Oh, I know you think Colin is above it all, but trust me, he's a guy. If he's even remotely into you he's probably thought about each one of your orifices at least ten times.
Abby Richter: I love how you assume all men are perverse as you are!
Mike Chadway: Oh, I don't assume. I know.
Abby Richter: Can we go over your intro one more time? "I'm Jack Magnum and this is..."
Jack Magnum: The Ugly Truth.
[imitates shooting a gun with his thumb and forefinger]
Abby Richter: Ok, let's maybe lose the gun thing.
Jack Magnum: What? The gun is my signature move.
Abby Richter: Unless the NRA is paying your mortgage this month, I say lose the effing gun!
Abby Richter: Tell me about the doozy. You know, the woman who broke your heart.
Mike Chadway: You are just totally trying to kill my buzz.
Abby Richter: No, I'm not. I'm just interested in what makes you you.
Mike Chadway: Well, for your information, it was more than just one. It was more like a parade. Codependent girls, unfaithful girls, depressed girls, narcissistic girls, phony girls. Girls who, it turned out, didn't actually like me. By the time I hit 30, I realized that you can only have so many lousy relationships before you figure out there's no such thing as a good one.
Abby Richter: You can't really believe there's no such thing as a good relationship.
Mike Chadway: To my very core.
Mike Chadway: Yea, it is scary. It's terrifying. Especially when I am in love with a psycho like you.
Abby Richter: I am not a psycho!
Mike Chadway: I just told you that I loved you, and all you heard was 'psycho'. The definition of neurotic!
Abby Richter: The definition of neurotic is a person who suffers from anxiety, obsessive thoughts, compulsive acts, and physical ailments without any objective evidence of...
Mike Chadway: Shut up! Yet again, I just told you I am in love with you and you are standing here giving me a vocabulary list.
Colin: [Abby is on a date with Colin. Mike is relaying instructions to her via an earpiece] I'm used to women I can figure out in five seconds, but I can't do that with you.
Mike Chadway: [to Abby via earpiece] He's an idiot. I figured you out in two. Now tell him good night and stick your tits out, we're going to give this one last shot.
Mike Chadway: So there you have it. Never assume a girl is easy or assume she's a prude. There are many layers in between, and it's your job, gentlemen, to peel back those layers and figure out exactly what type of woman you're dealing with.
Joy: That sounded almost enlightened.
Mike Chadway: Because once you do peel back those layers, my friends, her lady garden awaits.
Joy: And he's back.
Jack Magnum: Most of you are watching this show so you can learn how to get chicks. Well let me assure you, you're in good hands. You're looking at a guy who personally has had sex with over 137 different women, most of them conscious. Now we're here at the balloon festival and I'm supposed to be telling you about how men are full of hot air, but I think we all know it's the ladies that are full of crap! Just because she says "no" doesn't mean she means "no." If that were the case, I'd have only 90 women.
[Abby suddenly yanks him out of the hot air balloon basket from behind]
Mike Chadway: It's not for you, it's for your bean.