Vanessa Carlysle: Hey, hands off the merchandise.
Wade Wilson: Merchandise? Huh... so you uh, bump fuzzies for money?
Vanessa Carlysle: Yep.
Wade Wilson: Rough childhood?
Vanessa Carlysle: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
Wade Wilson: Daddy left before I was conceived.
Vanessa Carlysle: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
Wade Wilson: Where else do you put one out?
Vanessa Carlysle: I was molested!
Wade Wilson: Me too. Uncle.
Vanessa Carlysle: Uncles. They took turns.
Wade Wilson: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happened to be my...
Vanessa Carlysle: Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.
Wade Wilson: [Gasps] You had a dishwasher. I didn't even known sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn.
Vanessa Carlysle: [laughs] Who would do such a thing?
Wade Wilson: Hopefully you. Later tonight? Hey, what can I get for $275 and uh... a Yogurtlands reward card?
Vanessa Carlysle: Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. And a low-fat dessert.
[Puts card in his mouth]
Deadpool: From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you... me! Deadpool.
Deadpool: [to the audience in the after credits scene] You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting, Sam Jackson show up with an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go, go.
Credits: The making and authorized distribution of this film supported over 13,000 jobs and involved hundreds of thousands of work hours.
Deadpool: Oh, but I can tell you one thing and it's a bit of a secret. In the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet but it could be anybody. We just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren, Keira Knightley, she's got range, who knows? Anyway, big secret, ssshhhh. Oh and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chickahhhh.
Deadpool: [to the audience while slicing off his own arm] Did you ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
Deadpool: Oh, like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No, you know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl. You're gonna help me get her back.
Colossus: [voice from inside the mansion] Wade, is that you?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse. I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house. It's funny that I only ever see two of you. It's almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
Deadpool: [to Colossus] Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!
Deadpool: Now, I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
Deadpool: A fourth wall break inside a fourth wall break? That's like, sixteen walls.
Deadpool: [farts] Hashtag drive-by.
[Wastes two bullets on the corpse of a goon who shot him in the ass]
Deadpool: Ugh, stupid, stupid. Worth it!
Deadpool: [waving his broken wrists] All dinosaurs feared the T-Rex!
Deadpool: I should've come and found you sooner, but the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember.
Vanessa Carlysle: You mean this mask?
[takes off mask to reveal cheap paper mask of Wolverine]
Deadpool: And this one, in case the other fell off.
[she peels off the mask]
Vanessa Carlysle: Wow.
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Vanessa Carlysle: After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face... I'd be happy to sit on.
Deadpool: You're probably thinking, "My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right... I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
Deadpool: Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
[from leaked test footage]
Deadpool: Crime's the disease, meet the cure. Okay, not the cure, but more like a topical ointment to reduce the swelling and itch. Hi, Tom!
Deadpool: [to Angel Dust] You're a lovely lady, but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him.
Colossus: I prefer not to hit a woman, so please...
[Colossus charges at Angel... who decks him and sends him flying]
Deadpool: I mean, that's why I brought her?
[points at Negasonic Teenage Warhead, who is busy on her phone]
Deadpool: Oh, no, finish your tweet. It's not... That's... Just give us a second. Yeah. There you go. Hashtag it. Go get her, tiger.
[Negasonic Teenage Warhead attacks Angel Dust with a fiery explosion]
Deadpool: Oh, I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
Wade Wilson: Here's what I'm actually gonna do? I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, and then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole.
Weasel: I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think your dead, right?
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: That's good. You should keep it that way.
Wade Wilson: What, like, wear a mask?
Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I am sorry... you are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Wade Wilson: Like a testicle with teeth.
Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally, for others' sake.
Wade Wilson: Do you like what you see?
Weasel: No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Wade Wilson: Yeah.
Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.
Wade Wilson: And the only guy the who fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone. Poof!
Weasel: Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now, you only have one course of action.
Wade Wilson: Damn straight. Find Francis.
Weasel: Star in horror films.
Wade Wilson: What?
Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Wade Wilson: [voiceover, after Vanessa has agreed to marry him] Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.
Deadpool: Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible... and completely unfuckable.
Vanessa Carlysle: So, am I suppose to just smile and wave you out the door?
Wade Wilson: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
Vanessa Carlysle: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. Drink.
Wade Wilson: You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All the things I can live without.
Weasel: [to Deadpool before he heads out on a suicide mission to save Vanessa] I'd go with you, but... I don't want to.
Deadpool: [Shoving car's cigarette lighter into goon's mouth] I've never said this to anyone before, but don't swallow!
Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] Your right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg is Christmas. Can I come and visit you between the holidays?
Deadpool: Maximum effort.
Colossus: [Deadpool is about to shoot Ajax] Wade! Four or five moments.
Deadpool: I'm sorry?
Colossus: Four or five moments - that's all it takes.
Colossus: Be a hero.
Colossus: Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime, there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you're offered a choice - to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend, spare an enemy. In these moments, everything else falls away. The way the world sees us. The way we...
[Deadpool gets bored and shoots Ajax in the head, killing him]
Colossus: [vomits humourously] Why?
Deadpool: You were droning on.
Wade Wilson: Listen, Ive been thinking.
Vanessa Carlysle: Really?
Wade Wilson: About why were so good together.
Vanessa Carlysle: Why is that?
Wade Wilson: Well, your crazy matches my crazy, big time.
Vanessa Carlysle: Mm.
Wade Wilson: And, uh, were like two jigsaw pieces, you know, and we have curvy edges.
Vanessa Carlysle: But you fit them together and you see the picture on top.
Wade Wilson: Right.
Vanessa Carlysle: Wade, theres something Ive been meaning to ask you. Only because you havent gotten around to asking me. Will you, um, stick it up my a
[Wade holds up a giant ring]
Wade Wilson: Marry me?
Vanessa Carlysle: Uh, jinx?
Wade Wilson: Huh.
Vanessa Carlysle: Where were you hiding that?
Wade Wilson: Nowhere.
[Wade and is shown to be butt-naked]
Deadpool: I didn't just get the cure to el cancer, I got the cure to el everything.
[after shooting three people in the head with one bullet, inhales the smoke from his own guns]
Deadpool: Ahhhh. I'm touching myself tonight.
Deadpool: [his head smashed into back of driver's seat] Rich Corinthian leather.
Deadpool: [Punches Colussus in the groin, breaking his hand] Ahhh! Your poor wife!
[from leaked test footage]
Deadpool: There's no easy way to say this... I'm pregnant, Trevor!
Deadpool: Daddy needs to express some rage.
[starts firing his guns]
Dopinder: Uh, why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder. And I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting one year, three weeks... six days and, oh... 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
Dopinder: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: This shit...
[lifts his mask halfway showing his scarred face]
Vanessa Carlysle: Well I hate to break it to you, but your forty-eight minutes are up.
Wade Wilson: Hey! How many more minutes can I get for this?
[looking at his Voltron ring]
Wade Wilson: FYI, five mini lion bots come together to form one super-bot!
Vanessa Carlysle: Five mini lion bots?
Vanessa Carlysle: Three minutes.
Wade Wilson: Deal! What do we do with the remaining two minutes thirty-seven seconds?
Vanessa Carlysle: [pause] Cuddle?
[in the midst of a car crash]
Deadpool: Shit. Did I leave the stove on?
Deadpool: [to Colossus] Tell Beast to quit shitting on my lawn!
Deadpool: [shot in the butt] Right up Main Street.
Deadpool: I didn't ask to be super, and I'm no hero. But when you find out your worst enemy is after your best girl, the time has come to be a fucking superhero.
Blind Al: Why such a douche this morning?
Wade Wilson: Let's recap: the cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today... arm... Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.
Deadpool: [In the middle of a fistfight] Have you seen this man?
[holds up a crude crayon drawing of Francis]
Strip Club DJ: You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes!
Deadpool: [Ripping his own underwear out of his pants to make a white flag] Look away! LOOK AWAY CHILD!
Weasel: Oh, shit.
Wade Wilson: What?
Weasel: I put all my money on you and now I just realized I'm never going to win the, uh...
Wade Wilson: Dead pool.
[thinks for a moment]
Wade Wilson: Captain Deadpool... No, just...
Weasel: To you, Mr. Pool. Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.
Deadpool: Okay guys, I only have twelve bullets, so you're all going to have to share!
Wade Wilson: Vanessa's already working on plan's A, B, through Z. Me? I'm trying to memorize the details of her face, like it's the first time I'm seeing it... or the last.
[Looking at his slowly regrowing 'baby hand']
Wade Wilson: I bet it's going to feel really big in that hand later...
[from leaked test footage]
Deadpool: [singing to Hollaback Girl on the radio] I heard that you were talking shit / And you didn't think that I'd hear it / People hear you talking like that, getting everybody fired up... This my shit, this my shit / This shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S...
Deadpool: LOOK! I'm a teenage girl, I'd rather be anywhere than here! I'm all about long sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silence! So what's it gonna be: long sullen silence or mean comment? Go on, take your pick.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: ...You got me in a box here.
Deadpool: How's the Kullen coming along? Ikea doesn't assemble itself, you know.
Blind Al: You're telling me. I don't mind the Kullen. It's an improvement on the Hurdal.
Deadpool: Please. Anything's an improvement over the Hurdal. I'd have taken a Hemnes or a Trysil over a Hurdal.
Deadpool: No, I didn't get excited until I saw the Kullen.
Blind Al: Screw, please.
Deadpool: Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades.
Blind Al: You'd be surprised.
Deadpool: Pretty grossed out.
Deadpool: [Cutting off his arm and spraying blood in Colussus' face] Are you there God? It's me, Margaret!
Deadpool: [looks at the screen] Cue the music.
Colossus: We can't allow this, Deadpool. Please, come quietly.
Deadpool: You big chrome cock-gobbler!
Colossus: That's not nice.
Deadpool: You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me, that wheezing bag of dick-tips has it coming. He's pure evil. Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.
[a dead body falls off an overhead traffic sign]
Deadpool: That guy was already up there when I got here.
Deadpool: [to The Recruiter] Nice to see you, Jared. I'll take the foot long... Fully loaded.
Wade Wilson: [to Ajax] You got something in your teeth.
Deadpool: There are no words. Me and you are headed to fix this butterface.
Ajax: What? You stupid fucking idiot. Did you really think there was a cure... for that?
Ajax: You heard me.
Deadpool: No. No! So, you mean to say... after all this, you can't fix me?
Ajax: It sounds even stupider when you say it.
Deadpool: Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?
[Deadpool aims gun at Ajax's head]
Deadpool: Any last words?
Ajax: What's my name?
Deadpool: [Cocks his gun] Who fucking cares?
Wade Wilson: Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. What is it really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Mitch? The Rickster?
[in British accent]
Wade Wilson: Is it Basil Fawlty?
Ajax: Oh, joke away. One thing that never survives in this place is a sense of humor.
Wade Wilson: We'll see about that.
Ajax: I suppose we will.
Ajax: [to Angel] He's all yours.
Wade Wilson: Oh, come on. You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?
[Angel punches Wade]
Deadpool: You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you.
Wade Wilson: Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. Like a Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair shit-show. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the ghost of Christmas me.
Vanessa Carlysle: Well, I wanna remember us.
Wade Wilson: I swear to God, I will find you in the next life and I'm gonna boom-box "Careless Whisper" outside your window. Wham!
Vanessa Carlysle: No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? We can fight this. Besides, I just realized something. You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.
Ajax: What's my name?
Deadpool: [to Vanessa] If I never see you again, know that I love you.
Deadpool: Shit! I forgot the ammo!
Vanessa Carlysle: I've played a lot of roles, damsel in distress ain't one of them.
Colossus: I've given Deadpool every chance to join us but he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming an X-Man?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Which benefits? The matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?
Colossus: Please. House blowing up builds character.
Deadpool: There's the money shot, baby.
Deadpool: This is confusing. Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real... blurry!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [pointing behind Deadpool] Hey, Douche-Pool!
Deadpool: [turns around] And I hope *you're* watching -
[gasps in horror, as Ajax has disappeared]
Colossus: Quite unfortunate...
Deadpool: [shaking his head in disbelief] THAT DOES IT!
[punches Colossus in the face, breaking his own hand]
Deadpool: Ooh! Oh, Canada! That's not good...
Deadpool: And you, chicken noodle... Nothing compares to you. Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: That's all right. You're cool.
Deadpool: [Gasps] What in the ass? That was not mean. I'm proud of you!
Colossus: We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade
Deadpool: For a second there, it felt like we were three minutes-lion robots coming together to form one super robot.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: There's a stupid.
Deadpool: [During the final battle] Bob?
Deadpool: Oh, my God. I haven't seen you since...
Deadpool: Well, what the hell?
[Deadpool helps Bob up]
Deadpool: God. Come here you.
[Deadpool knocks Bob out, and then Deadpool starts dragging him]
Deadpool: How are the kids? Good? And Gail? She still fixing that tuna casserole? *So* good. Bad for the waistline, you know what I'm talking about.
Wade Wilson: Not out of the woods yet. You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me.
Gavin Merchant: Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card?
Wade Wilson: I will shoot your fucking cat!
Gavin Merchant: I don't know what that means. I don't have a cat.
Wade Wilson: Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?
Wade Wilson: I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. Welcome to Sister Margaret's. It's like a job fair for mercenaries. Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card.
Deadpool: Sure, I may be stuck looking like pepperoni flatbread but at least fuckface won't heal from that.
Wade Wilson: [after receiving his cancer diagnosis] You're clowning. You're not clowning? I sense clowns.
Colossus: [to Negasonic] You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. Here, protein bar. Good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours.
Deadpool: [on X-Men Wolverine] I've got no problems with Hugh. I mean he's a delightful guy, he really is. True legend. But the movie, that was a career low for me.
Dopinder: My romantic rival, Bandhu. He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing as you said, DP. I plan to gut him like a polluted fish, then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.
Deadpool: I did not tell him to do that! Absolutely not! It got lost in translation. Dopinder this is *no* way to win Gita's heart back!
Deadpool: I am so proud of you.
Deadpool: Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like.
Deadpool: Kill him.
Deadpool: And then win Gita back the old-fashioned way with your boyish charm.
Deadpool: Kidnap her.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: [to Colossus] He's super dead.
Deadpool: Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the the whole world taste like Daffodil Daydream. So you gotta hold onto love... tight! And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Got it?
Deadpool: Or the whole world tastes like Mama Juice after hot yoga.
Dopinder: Sir, what does Miss Mama June taste like?
Deadpool: Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
Blind Al: [as Deadpool washes his clothes] Use seltzer water and lemon juice for blood. Or wear red, dumbass!
Ajax: You know the funniest part of this? You still think we're making you a superhero. You. A dishonorable discharge. Hip-deep in hookers. You're nothing. Little secret, Wade. This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who know what they'll have you doing? Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. Maybe just now the occasional lawn.
Wade Wilson: What the fuck is wrong with you?
Deadpool: 41 confirmed kills. Now it's 80. About to be 90.
Recruiter: Mr. Wilson?
Recruiter: You're looking very alive.
Deadpool: Ha! Only on the outside!
Recruiter: This is not going to end well for me, is it?
Deadpool: This is not gonna end well for you, no. Where's your boss?
Recruiter: I can tell you exactly...
Deadpool: Oh, you tell me. But first... You might wanna look way for this. Now this little piggy went to...
[pushes the camera away and the Recruiter screams]
Deadpool: Maximum effort!
Deadpool: Hang in there, baby! I gotcha! I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.
[Deadpool throws Vanessa into the oxygen chamber as it rolls down the carrier and stops on the edge of it, Wade holds onto the oxygen chamber]
Vanessa Carlysle: Shit! ShitI Shit!
Deadpool: Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.
Wade Wilson: You bet on me to die? Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. And then die. Like the city of Detroit.
Deadpool: [walking towards Blind Al's home] She's like Robin to my Batman, except she's old, and black, and blind. And I think she's in love with me. Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.
Weasel: I would go with you, but... I don't want to.
Ajax: You're lovely. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched.
David Cunningham: We were just joking.
Ajax: No, no. It's okay. I encourage distractions. Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we?
Wade Wilson: Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. How tough can he be with a name like Francis?
David Cunningham: Francis?
Wade Wilson: That's his legal name. He got Ajax from the dish soap. F, R, A, N, C, I... Oops!
Deadpool: [about to kill Ajax, he accidentally hits Colossus in the groin] Dad?
Deadpool: [banging a door on a henchman] Where is Francis? Where the fuck is Francis? Where's Francis?
Deadpool: Did I say this was a love story? It's a horror movie.
Deadpool: I'm a bad guy who is paid to fuck up worse guys.
Deadpool: Where's Francis?
Weasel: [to Wade about Vanessa] Go get her tiger.
Deadpool: Your crazy matches my crazy. Big time.
Wade Wilson: [drops fistful of tickets on counter] A limited edition Voltron Defender of the Universe ring, por favor.
Arcade Ticket Taker: [moves tickets aside] Okay, here we go...
Wade Wilson: [indicates ring to Vanessa] I've had my eye on this sucker for a while.
Vanessa Carlysle: And I will take the pencil eraser.
Arcade Ticket Taker: Okay.
Arcade Ticket Taker: You are now the proud protector of the planet Arus.
Arcade Ticket Taker: And you can erase stuff written in pencil.
Wade Wilson: [offers Vanessa his arm] M'lady.
Deadpool: [to a Spanish goon] ¿Dónde está Francesca?
Buck: [smacks Vanessa's rear] I'd hit that.
Wade Wilson: Buck, you best apologize before...
[Vanessa grabs Buck's groin]
Wade Wilson: Yeah, that.
Vanessa Carlysle: Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.
Buck: I'm sorry.
Wade Wilson: Breathe through the nose.
Buck: I don't have a filter between my brain and my...
[Vanessa grabs harder]
Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh... Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.
Deadpool: I bet it feels huge in this hand.
Deadpool: See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot... pull out, here we go... looks nice, not gonna be the only thing that's pullin' out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? Until next time, this is your friendly neighborhood Pool guy singing...
[alongside George Michael's "Careless Whisper" vocals]
Deadpool: "I'm never gonna dance again, the way I danced with you, ohhhhhhh!"
Deadpool: This last shot has to pull out, but it's the only thing pulling out tonight.
Deadpool: How can I help you... besides luring children into a panel van?