Photos
Quotes
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Will Schuester : [in Sue's office] Wait... Are you serious? Finn?
Sue Sylvester : My eyes are still burning.
Finn Hudson : [in the gym] I'm Finn Hudson and I'd like to audition for the Cheerios.
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Will Schuester : What's going on?
Sue Sylvester : Brittany here has accused Coach Beiste of inappropriate touching.
Will Schuester : What? Brittany, that's a serious accusation.
Sue Sylvester : It's very serious.
[she winks, urging him to play along]
Will Schuester : [sitting down next to her] Brittany, what you're saying could ruin someone's life. It's really important that you tell the truth here.
Brittany S. Pierce : I made it up. Coach Beiste didn't touch my boobs. Actually, I really want to touch her boobs.
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Sue Sylvester : A little bird told me that someone spent her summer vacation getting a brand new set of melons, even though you know I have a very strict no plastics policy in Cheerios. Care to comment?
Santana Lopez : I just...
Sue Sylvester : [interrupting her] What would possess a person your age to get a boob job? You don't even know what your body's going to look like. It's an insult to nature and completely distracting. I can't take my eyes off them. I'm actually talking to them right now.
Santana Lopez : I wanted people to notice me more. I don't get what the big deal is.
Sue Sylvester : Well, the big deal is that a person who has to pump her nonnies full of gravy to feel good about herself clearly doesn't have the self-esteem to be my head cheerleader. Quinn will replace you.
Santana Lopez : What did...
Sue Sylvester : Oh, and Boobs McGee? You're demoted to the bottom of the pyramid, so when it collapses, your exploding sandbags will protect the squad from injury. Now take your juicy, vine-ripened chest fruit and get the hell out of my office.
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Sue Sylvester : [at Cheerios tryouts] No way. Get out.
Quinn Fabray : Coach Sylvester, please hear me out.
Sue Sylvester : Nope. I trusted you, and you let me down. I don't want you anywhere near my squad. You'll deafen them with the sound of your stretch marks rubbing together.
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Will Schuester : [pranking the new football coach] Isn't this kind of immature?
Sue Sylvester : No, it's downright childish. But I know gals like Beiste. Oh, her high school life must have been miserable. She's oversized, humorless, refers to herself in the third person as an animal. This kind of abuse and teasing will bring back all those childhood memories. She'll be shaken to her core; humiliated and devastated. She'll have no choice but to quit her job, and our budgets will be restored.
Will Schuester : [fist bumping] Yes!
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Will Schuester : Hey, Sue. Can I talk to you for a second?
Sue Sylvester : Sure, buddy. You look steamed.
Will Schuester : Those kids went out and really tried to show what Glee Club was all about. And how does the school repay them? By defacing the sign-up sheet. "Buttface McBallnuts". "Ass-braham Lin-colon". They're not even funny!
Sue Sylvester : Now, don't be rude, William. I put a lot of thought into those.
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Sue Sylvester : You're worried about getting new recruits? Well, if Beiste gets her way and our budgets are slashed, you'll be cutting kids left and right.
Will Schuester : You're right. I hadn't thought about that.
Sue Sylvester : Beiste needs to be stopped, and I need your help to topple her. You in?
Will Schuester : [crumpling up the Glee Club sign-up sheet] I'm in.
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Sue Sylvester : Cut my budget? You can't cut my budget without written consent from the president of the Federal Reserve! It's in my contract!
Principal Figgins : Oh, Sue, I think you can manage a sixth national title without two confetti cannons.
Sue Sylvester : You think your kids can manage life without their daddy?
Will Schuester : We're barely surviving on the budget we have. Slashing the Glee budget by ten percent, cutting our transportation to and from events is like cutting our legs off.
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Shannon Beiste : Studies show that the best way to bring in alumni donations is through a successful athletic department; specifically, a winning football team.
Sue Sylvester : Who's this?
Shannon Beiste : I'm Shannon Beiste. I'm the new football coach. Spelled B-E-I-S-T-E. It's French.
Will Schuester : I'm sorry, what happened to Ken Tanaka?
Principal Figgins : Nervous breakdown. Don't look at it as a punishment. Look at it as an investment into your clubs' futures. The more money the football program brings in, the more I can give back to you guys! Coach Beiste here is fresh off her fifth consecutive all-Missouri high school football championship. We've very lucky to have her!
Shannon Beiste : What can I say? I like a challenge.
Sue Sylvester : First of all, a female football coach, like a male nurse, sin against nature. Number two, I'm sure you're used to hilbilly parents yelping adulation at you as they attempt to impregnate the tailpipes of various off-road vehicles. But you're in my house now, Beiste. No one comes into my house and steals from me.
Shannon Beiste : Do not get up into a panther's business, lady. You're all coffee and no omelet.
Sue Sylvester : That doesn't make any sense.
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Sue Sylvester : Hey, why so glum, William? Cat crap in your coffee? Or are you worried no one's signing up for your little club there?
Will Schuester : Nah, not at all, Sue. Nationals are in New York City this year. I think that list is gonna be filled up in no time.
Sue Sylvester : Well, you know what your problem is?
[taking the sign-up sheet off the notice board]
Sue Sylvester : "No tryouts, just sign up." Nobody wants to be part of a club that just anyone can join. See this? It's a court summons; child endangerment, 'cause there's been a line of would-be Cheerios out there since late July. I guess they lost their humanity a little bit. One girl ate a pigeon, several others started worshipping a possum carcass as their Lord. That's how much they want to be Cheerios.
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Will Schuester : Anyone who wants to join Glee Club gets to join.
Sue Sylvester : Oh, god, Will, let me break it down for you. High school is a dry run for the rest of your life. Not everyone can be champions. Not everybody should be champions. We need fry cooks, bus drivers.
Will Schuester : Well, Sue, it's how I work and it's not going to change.
Sue Sylvester : I like being friends with you, Will. This is fun. You make not trying to destroy Glee Club easy. You know why? 'Cause you're doing such a bang-up job of it all by yourself.
