- Pete: Do you think maybe we've gone too far? I'm a child of divorce and I sympathize with them.
- Teddy Sanders: My parents love each other, and I think it's hilarious.
- Teddy Sanders: You make the store more approachable.
- Mac Radner: Like, I'm more of an attainable goal?
- Teddy Sanders: Yeah, you're like Relaxed Fit.
- Teddy Sanders: We're throwing a Robert De Niro party.
- Pete: You call the cops, you violate the circle of trust, Focker.
- Mac Radner: Who are you?
- Garf: I'm Sam Jackson from Jackie Brown.
- Scoonie: [pause] Hoah!
- Garf: Hooah!
- Kelly Radner: That's actually Al Pacino.
- Garf: The Path of the righteous man.
- Mac Radner: That's the wrong Sam Jackson speech.
- Pete: Bros before hoes
- Pete: Junk before Trunk
- Teddy Sanders: Balls before dolls
- Pete: Padres before I sleep with two Madres
- Teddy Sanders: Brad Pitt before Grab Glit
- Pete: These nuts before skinny sl***
- Teddy Sanders: M********* before ask her to date
- Pete: Beef stew before watching The View
- Teddy Sanders: Male erection before One Direction
- Pete: Mario and Luigi before Thelma and Laweezie
- Teddy Sanders: Bert and Ernie before Squirt and Spermy
- Pete: Man purses before regular purses
- Teddy Sanders: Sports before genital warts
- Pete: John Madden before Jasmine from Aladdin
- Mac Radner: I'll call my mother she'll know what to do.
- Kelly Radner: Do not call your mother! Jesus, you Jews and your fucking mothers!
- Officer Watkins: You called about your neighbors?
- Mac Radner: No.
- Officer Watkins: We have caller ID, we're cops, everybody has caller ID.
- Jimmy: We missed out on the whole kinda sex-tech bubble, you know what I mean? Now they've got SexBook and FuckFriends. And there's this thing called Grindr, which is just... your phone beeps when there's someone horny near you. It's kind of amazing. It's mostly guys, but I'm gonna find a girl pretty soon.
- Doctor Theodorakis: Alright. Your baby... has HIV... is how bad this could've gone. The condom was unused.