"Heiratsschwindler küsst man nicht" (literal translation: You don't kiss marriage swindlers.) is a German television movie from 2012 that runs for almost 90 minutes as they always do and this film was simply horrible. I mean the writers did not exactly give me hope because I saw they are not too talented and not really experienced, but seeing how long director Satin has been part of the German film industry, I found it really shocking how low the quality here was overall. Still the key issue is the script. But some of the actors are making it seem even worse. I am especially talking about lead actresses Saß and Kleinert, they are incredibly bad and impossible to stomach from beginning to end and Saß' performance here is pretty much evidence that her tuurn in "Good Bye Lenin!" was really just a locky shot of being at the right place at the wright time. Then again, her performance there is pretty overrated too. As for Kleinert, her career is really defined by horrible movie and atrocious performances, so no surrpise she fails so hard in this film here and you can see why she is not a respected actress. Or at least shouldn't be one. A complete mystery why anybody would cast her for lead roles. "Funnily" enough, I watched another Kleinert movie very recently and this film is also about a marriage swindler that her character falls for. And this film is just as bad as this one here. But yeah, let's get back to this one here. It is pretty telling when you have really limited actors like Schwiers and Sosniok in a movie and they are nowhere near to giving the worst performances. Sure does not say anything positive about Kleinert or Saß here. The worst from this movie is probably that basically all four of them have moments or lengthy sequences when they are in character and their characters are actually acting in a way troo pretending to be somebody/something they are not. And this is the most embarrassing really. This quartet of actors is already far from gifted enough to make their characters work and now they even think they can act as if they were other characters. The rock-bottom moment is probably when Kleinert's character fakes tears.
But there are many other reason why this film sucked. One is that it is totally anti-male. One male is a marriage swindler. And the other males are basically blind sheep who only exist to help the women carry out their vicious plan at the end. Oh yeah and of course let's not forget about Saß' character's husband. What an abomination. How he acts. He should show guts and leave the cheater. If the genders were the other way around, then we would get a plot about a strong female who does not need a man in her life to live it to the fullest and succeed and the pig could go to hell. Here he takes her back and we are even supposed to cheer for her because the evil antagonist is only Sosniok's character. Well, I beg to differ. Cheat on your man after decades of marriage. Steal 100k from your company's fortune. Lie constantly to the guy who is in charge of finances. Steal from the bad guy too (one bad does not justify another), enter his apartment against his will. Man this woman is a true charmer. Speaking of the finance guy, instead of firing her as he should have and take her to court, what does he do? Yep, join in the revenge plot. Unreal stuff really. And still, even after that tehy still managed to wow me when towards the end we see there may be a romantic relationship between him and Kleinert's character. Chapeau to them for managing the impossible, i.e. getting constantly in a new degree of feces after the level before that was already so high that I thought it would be impossible. As for Sosniok, his final scene was supposed to show that he learnt nothing and deserved what's coming his way and probably also to show us that the women are not as cruel and did not destroy him. Well, for me it was enough already to see them as completely unlikable for so many reasons and the dancing on the grave quote is just one of them. The relationship between Schwiers' and Sosniok's characters was pretty bad either, even if not as bad as almost everything else in this movie. I mean the scene at the casino was utter cringe, already how they were sure he would go for her. Same about the scene at the fair. Ridiculously bad line delivery by Schwiers there and also yeah the kids shall get nothing more expensive than 50 cents. Right? No kid must suffer like this with the financial support they get here in Germany. So these scenes still would have been among the very worse in pretty much every other film and the fact that here they are not does not mean they are even remotely quality, but that there is just bigger garbage in here. I was shaking my head too at the fact that the two older women just employed her as some kind of PR agent towards the end and started a business together. The epitome of feel-good happy ending that has no connection to reality. One must have a negative value of brain cells really to like how things turned out there. Honestly I found myself cheering for Sosniok's character more and more the longer the film went. It would have been sweet had he totally lost it and murdered everybody. Haha. It would not have been a more stupid ending than the actual one. Probably even a wiser if we keep in mind scenes like those where he is hunted by 50 women or so. Okay, that should really be all. Oh no wait, I mentioned the actors' acting already. Another rock bottom example is when they push this woman in the room and briefly afterwards act as if they were kissing, so their disguise won't be revealed. Or the film's very first scene and quote about good-quality sex. Good God, what a mess all this was. Really stay away from this movie here. It does not even deserve the description "film", that's how bad it it. Simply disgusting. Oh and if police decide to sue the filmmakers here because of how the force is depicted in this movie (i.e. the police officer who watches the video, even if it was nice to see Saß' character being totally made fun of and humiliated, but also unrealistic that he thinks she was aesthetic in this video), then I am all for the producers being held liable, so that they have to pay a big amount of damages.
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