- Amy Farrah Fowler: I missed you.
- Sheldon Cooper: To quote Han Solo - I know.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Did you miss me?
- Sheldon Cooper: I would have preferred to have you there with me.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Awww.
- Sheldon Cooper: Or instead of me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, Sheldon sent us all an email. "Happy Holidays from Texas". And there's pictures. Arrgh, don't open them, do not open them.
- Penny: Oh, come on, child birth is a natural, beautiful...
- [sees picture]
- Penny: urgh, it's like someone sawed a cow in half.
- Raj Koothrappali: My father's a gynecologist; I think I can handle it.
- [sees pictures]
- Raj Koothrappali: And now I'm gay.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm on my way out.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Where?
- Sheldon Cooper: Texas.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Right now? Why?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Someone sick?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes. My sister's uterus came down with a baby.
- Penny: Oh, she's pregnant? That's great; you're going to be an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: How come you never said she was pregnant?
- Sheldon Cooper: I never told you about my brother's kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family's genitals?
- Sheldon Cooper: The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, kinda.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's so thoughtful. You guys are the best.
- Raj Koothrappali: So Star Wars and Star Trek characters can go on the same branch?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I know, it's crazy. Welcome to the Thunderdome, people!
- [they cheer]
- Howard Wolowitz: I've never done this before. It's kind of fun.
- Raj Koothrappali: If your Mom could see her little Bar mitzvah boy right now she'd have a heart attack.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good idea; I'll take a picture.
- Mary Cooper: Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop.
- Sheldon Cooper: Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhD's yet somehow I'm the janitor of my sister's birth canal.
- Penny: [Penny's fantasy story] OK, sweetie. Let me tell exactly how that would have gone down.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to do it. I'm going to ask her out.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm going squirt chocolate milk out of my nipples. Sorry. I thought we were saying things that are never going to happen.
- Raj Koothrappali: Maybe this time he's going to do it.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hope you're thirsty. Here it comes!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Watch me.
- Penny: Hey. You guys ready to order or do you need a few minutes?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I... I... um.
- Penny: A few minutes it is.
- Raj Koothrappali: You didn't ask her out, but that was a lot of sounds.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You guys are making me nervous.
- Howard Wolowitz: Fine, then, go talk to her on your own.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I will.
- [goes over to Penny]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me.
- Penny: Yup.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hi, uhh, um, I'm Leonard.
- Penny: Really? You don't sound so sure.
- Leonard Hofstadter: No, I am he. Any-anyway, um, there's been something I've wanted to ask you for a long time. Um.
- Penny: What's that?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I was wondering if you're not too busy... um... if you'd be interested in... telling me where the restroom is?
- Penny: I think you're too late.
- [last lines]
- [Leonard and Raj are very fat]
- Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to do it; I'm going to ask her out.
- Howard Wolowitz: And chocolate milk out is going to squirt of my nipples.
- Raj Koothrappali: Put up or shut up. You make it, I'll drink it.
- Penny: You guys need anything else?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, your phone number and one more cheesecake.
- Penny: I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend. Look, in fact, there he is now.
- [Stu enters; she goes to him]
- Penny: Ready to go, sweetheart.
- Stuart Bloom: Not till I get my kiss.
- [She kisses him and they leave]
- Stuart Bloom: [Stu. sitting alone in an empty Cheesecake Factory, sighs]
- Sheldon Cooper: She chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the stone age and a cave wasn't available.
- Raj Koothrappali: You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones.
- Sheldon Cooper: And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip n' Slide.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Now, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still live across from him.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
- Penny: We do?
- Penny: [Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters in Amy's fantasy] Hey, Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
- Penny: [seductively] Doing laundry?
- Sheldon Cooper: Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I'm in a laundry room, so... I believe your inference is justified.
- Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.
- Penny: [Listening to the story] OK, that's enough.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Disagree.
- Raj Koothrappali: keep going.
- Penny: [Standing in her bra] So. What do you think?
- Sheldon Cooper: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
- Penny: Please, Sheldon, I need you.
- Sheldon Cooper: To... what?
- Penny: To take me.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
- Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me, right here.
- Sheldon Cooper: Penny, for the thousandth time. I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
- Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.
- [first lines]
- Penny: [Penny and Amy are skiing to a video game] Alright, you're really good at this.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I have an extremely low center of gravity. Like a pyramid.
- Penny: How you doing over there?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I hope it's just a sprain. I cannot walk into that ER with another video game injury.
- Penny: I am a little strapped for cash this year, so for Christmas I was thinking of giving you
- [sticks a bow on her Santa hat and runs her hands down her body]
- Penny: this.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I love it!
- [they kiss]
- Leonard Hofstadter: But it *is* what you got me last year. And last night.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Hi, Sheldon. Everything OK?
- Sheldon Cooper: No, it's not. I've seen things. Lady things.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Listen to me. That is *not* the way they usually look.
- Sheldon Cooper: It doesn't matter. It is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. Some kind of dirty magic show.
- Debbie Wolowitz: [Fantasy sequence] That's it? There's not enough food!
- Howard Wolowitz: Well, you cleaned out Earth! I don't know what else to do!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Back in reality] How is this any different?
- Howard Wolowitz: You didn't let me finish.
- [in the fantasy, Howard serves Mrs. Wolowitz]
- Howard Wolowitz: Here you go, Mother.
- Debbie Wolowitz: You're a good boy, Howard, such a good boy.
- [Howard turns the chair around, revealing Mrs. Wolowitz is now a skeleton wearing a wig and the fantasy ends]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Wait, did she die or did you kill her?
- Howard Wolowitz: Eh, tomato, tomahto. The important thing is she's dead.
- Sheldon Cooper: [about his nephew] That baby is so irritating, he's literally been crying his entire life
- Howard Wolowitz: Already taking after his Uncle Shelly
- Leonard Hofstadter: You know, maybe you and I wouldn't be together, but you wouldn't have done so great yourself.
- Penny: Why?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Because I know exactly the kind of guy you would have ended up with.
- Zack Johnson: Hey, babe.
- Penny: Hey. Remember to pay the rent?
- Zack Johnson: Better. I used the money to buy these magic beans.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. There's tears in the frosting. Happy birthday to me.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Did you hold the baby?
- Sheldon Cooper: I did.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: And... how did it make you feel?
- Sheldon Cooper: Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Can I give you a ride to the airport?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, thank you; I don't want to be an inconvenience. Chop chop, Leonard; we leave in ten minutes.
- Penny: Can you imagine *not* being born?
- Leonard Hofstadter: [imitating Sheldon's knocking ritual] What do you think?
- [knocks again]
- Leonard Hofstadter: What do you think?
- [knocks again]
- Leonard Hofstadter: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- Raj Koothrappali: [to Amy] Would you want Sheldon in the room if he was having your baby?
- Penny: If he was in the room when they were *making* the baby, I'll give you 10 dollars.
- Raj Koothrappali: I've never seen It's a Wonderful life
- Stuart Bloom: Me neither
- Amy Farrah Fowler: It's great, Jimmy Stewart is really depressed, standing on a bridge and is going to kill himself
- Stuart Bloom: Don't need to see it, living it
- Raj Koothrappali: [Stuart interjected himself into Raj and Leonard's fantasy] What are you doing?
- Stuart Bloom: I, ahem, just wanted to be in anyone's story.
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, but why are you fat?
- Stuart Bloom: 'Cause Leonard was fat.