[Yondu is floating in the air, hanging on his arrow]

Peter Quill: You look like Mary Poppins.

Yondu: Is he cool?

Peter Quill: Hell yeah, he's cool.

Yondu: I'm Mary Poppins, y'all!

Yondu: He may have been your father, Quill, but he wasn't your daddy.

Baby Groot: I am Groot.

Yondu: What's that?

Rocket: He says, "Welcome to the frickin' Guardians of the Galaxy!" Only he didn't use "frickin'".

Mantis: It's beautiful.

Drax: It is. And so are you.

[pause]

Drax: On the inside.

Peter Quill: You shouldn't have killed my mom and squished my Walkman!

Drax: There are two types of beings in the universe: those who dance, and those who do not.

Peter Quill: I get it, yes. I am a dancer, Gamora is not.

Drax: You need to find a woman who's pathetic, like you.

Peter Quill: Sometimes, the thing you've been looking for your whole life is right there beside you all along.

Drax: [next to Peter] You're right!

[from Trailer]

Rocket: Does anybody have any tape out there? I wanna put some tape over the "Death" button!

Peter Quill: [Hanging by one arm] Nobody has any tape!

Rocket: Not a single person has tape?

Peter Quill: You have an atomic bomb in your bag! If anyone is gonna have tape, it's *YOU*!

[Baby Groot grabs the device and runs off with it while Rocket's back is turned]

Rocket: I have to do everything!

Peter Quill: You are wasting a lot of time here!

Baby Groot: I... AM... GROOOOOOT!

Rocket: [to himself] That's a really bad sign.

Peter Quill: What's that?

Kraglin: It's a Zune; everybody on Earth listens to it nowadays.

Drax: [after she gets hit] Mantis, watch out!

[while showing Groot how to arm the bomb]

Rocket: All right, first you flick this switch, then this switch. That activates it.

[he points to a button]

Rocket: Then you push this button, which will give you five minutes to get outta there.

[he points to another button]

Rocket: Now whatever you do, don't push THIS button, because that will set off the bomb immediately, and we'll all be dead. Now, repeat back what I just said.

Groot: I am Groot.

Rocket: Uh-huh.

Groot: I am Groot.

Rocket: That's right.

Groot: [pointing to the death button] I am Groot.

Rocket: No! No, that's the button that will kill everyone! Try again.

Groot: Hm. I am Groot.

Rocket: Mm-hmm.

Groot: I am Groot?

Rocket: Uh-huh.

Groot: [pointing to the death button] I am Groot.

Rocket: No! That's exactly what you just said, how is that even possible? Which button is the button you're supposed to push, point to it.

[Groot points to the death button]

Rocket: NO!

Ego: I created what I imagined biological life to be like. Down to the most minute detail.

Drax: Did you make a penis?

Peter Quill: Dude!

Gamora: What is wrong with you?

Drax: If he's a planet, how could he make a baby with your mother? He would smush her.

Peter Quill: I don't need to hear how my parents...

Drax: Why? My father would tell the story of impregnating my mother every winter solstice.

Peter Quill: That's disgusting.

Drax: It was beautiful. You earthers have hang-ups.

Ego: Yes, Drax, I got a penis.

Drax: Ha! Thank you.

Ego: And it's not half bad.

Ego: Death will remain a stranger to both of us, as long as the light burns within the planet.

Peter Quill: I'm immortal?

Ego: Mmhmm.

Peter Quill: Really?

Ego: Yes. As long as the light exists.

Peter Quill: Like, I could use the light to build cool things, like how you made this whole planet?

Ego: Well, it might take a few million years of practice before you get really good at it, but yes.

Peter Quill: Well, get ready for a 800-foot statue of Pac-Man with Skeletor and Heather Locklear...

Ego: Whatever you want.

Peter Quill: I'm gonna make some weird shit.

Gamora: [in gunfight] Groot! Get out of the way, you're gonna get hurt!

[Groot waves at her]

Gamora: [beaming] Hi!

[keeps firing]

Rocket: You people have issues.

Peter Quill: Well of course I have issues, that's my freaking father!

Zardu Hasslefrau: In times of harship, just remember: We are Groot!

Nebula: [sneering] Look at you, a Garden of the Galaxy!

Gamora: It's Guardian! Why would I be a Garden of the Galaxy?

[Drax laughs]

[from Trailer]

Mantis: When I touch someone I can feel their feelings.

[touches Quill's hand]

Mantis: You feel... love!

Peter Quill: Yeah, I guess - Yeah, I feel a general unselfish love for everyone.

Mantis: No. *Sexual* love...

Peter Quill: No. No, I don't.

Mantis: [points at Gamora] ... for her!

Peter Quill: No!

[Drax begins laughing hysterically]

Drax: She just told everyone you deepest, darkest secret!

[Drax continues laughing]

Peter Quill: Dude! Come on! I think you're reacting a little bit!

Drax: You must be so embarrassed!

[continues cracking up]

Drax: Do me! Do me! Do me!

Ego: Listen to me! You are a god. If you kill me, you'll be just like everybody else!

Peter Quill: What's so wrong with that?

Rocket: Are we really saving the galaxy, again?

Peter Quill: Yeah.

Rocket: Great! We can jack up our prices if we're two-time galaxy savers!

Groot: I am Groot.

Rocket: He hates hats.

Groot: I am Groot.

Rocket: On anyone, not just himself.

Groot: I am Groot.

Rocket: You see someone and think they have a weird head and then it just turns out part of their head is a hat.

[beat]

Rocket: That's why you don't like hats?

Peter Quill: I told Gamora how when I was a kid I used to pretend David Hasselhoff was my dad. He's a singer and actor from earth, really famous guy. Yondu didn't have a talking car, but he did have a flying arrow. He didn't have a beautiful voice of an angel, but he did have the whistle of one. Both Yondu and David Hasselhoff went on kick-ass adventures and hooked up with hot women, and fought robots. I guess David Hasselhoff did kinda end up being my dad after all, only it was you, Yondu.

[tearing up]

Peter Quill: I had a pretty cool dad. What I'm trying to say here is... sometimes, that thing you're searching for your whole life is right there by your side all along, and you don't even know it.

Peter Quill: [on teenage Groot] Now I know how Yondu felt...

Kraglin: What are you gonna do with your share?

Nebula: As a child, my father would have Gamora and me battle one another in training. Everytime, my sister prevailed. My father would replace a piece of me with machinery, claiming he wanted me to be "her equal." But she won. Again, and again, and again, never once refraining. So, after I murder my sister, I will buy a warship with every conceivable instrument of death, I will hunt my father like a dog and I will tear him apart, slowly. Piece by piece until he knows some sort of resemblance of the profound and unceasing pain I knew every single day!

Kraglin: Yeah... I was talking about like a pretty necklace, or a nice hat, you know. Something to make the other girls go "ooh, that's nice."

Drax: This gross bug-lady is my new friend!

Kraglin: [rescues Yondu] I didn't mean to do a mutiny... They killed all my friends.

Nebula: [to Gamora] All you do is yell at each other. You're not friends.

Drax: No... We are family.

Peter Quill: You put your turd in my bed, I shave you!

Rocket: It won't be my turd it'll be one of Drax's

Drax: Haha! Yes I have famously huge turds

Yondu: You like a professional asshole or what?

Rocket: Pretty much a pro.

Yondu: Are you gonna listen to what I got to say?

Stakar Ogord: I don't got to listen to nothing, you betrayed the code! Ravagers don't deal in kids!

Yondu: I told you before, I didn't know what was going on!

Stakar Ogord: You didn't know, because you didn't want to know, because it made you rich!

Drax: Ow! My nipples!

Rocket: I am so sorry. I just keep imagining you waking up in the morning, start looking in the mirror and all seriously say to yourself. You know what would be a really kick-ass name, Taserface!

Astronaut: Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, at that time, I was a Federal Express man...

Groot: [Repeated line] I am Groot.

Drax: Die, spaceship!

Mantis: If I touch someone, I can feel their feelings.

Peter Quill: You read minds?

Mantis: No. Telepaths know thoughts. Empaths feel feelings. Emotions.

[to Peter]

Mantis: May I?

Peter Quill: Alright.

[Mantis touches Peter's hand]

Mantis: You feel... love.

Peter Quill: Yeah, I guess I feel a general, unselfish love for...

Mantis: No. Romantic, sexual love.

Peter Quill: No, no. No, I don't.

Mantis: [points to Gamora] For her.

Peter Quill: No! That is not...

Drax: [laughing hysterically] She just told everyone you're deepest, darkest secret!

Peter Quill: Dude, come on! I think you're overreacting a little bit.

Drax: [still laughing] You must be so embarrassed!

[to Mantis]

Drax: Do me! Do me, do me!

[Mantis touches Drax and she starts laughing hysterically]

Mantis: I've never felt such humor!

[Drax and Mantis are laughing and pointing at Peter]

Peter Quill: So unbelievably uncool.

[Mantis walks over to Gamora to touch her]

Gamora: Touch me, and the only thing you're gonna feel is a broken jaw.

Rocket: You know why I did it, Star-Munch? Hmm?

Peter Quill: I'm not gonna answer to "Star-Munch."

Rocket: I did it because I wanted to! What are we even talking about this for? We just had a little man save us by blowing up fifty ships!

Drax: How little?

Rocket: [holding his thumb and forefinger close together] Well, kinda like this?

Gamora: [skeptically] A little one-inch man saved us?

Rocket: Well, if he got closer, I'm sure he'd be much larger.

Peter Quill: Yeah, that's how eyesight works, you stupid raccoon.

Rocket: DON'T CALL ME A RACCOON!

Peter Quill: I'm sorry, I took it too far. I meant "trash panda."

[Rocket looks around in confusion]

Rocket: Is that better?

Drax: I don't know.

Peter Quill: [snickering] It's worse. It's so much worse.

Drax: The beast's hide is too thick to be pierced on the outside... Then I must cut through it from the inside!

Gamora: Huh?... No. NO! Drax, wait a minute! DRAX!

[Drax charges at the monster, and gets eaten]

Peter Quill: [horrified] What is he doing?

Gamora: He said the beast's hide is too thick to be pierced on the outside...

Peter Quill: That doesn't make any sense!

Gamora: I tried telling him that!

Peter Quill: It's the SAME level of thickness on the inside as on the outside!

Gamora: I realize that!

Gamora: Maybe this man could be your David Hasselhoff.

Yondu: I don't use my head to fly the arrow boy, I use my heart.

Ayesha: That, my child, is the next step in our evolution. More powerful, more beautiful - more capable of destroying the Guardians of the Galaxy. I think I shall call him... Adam.

Drax: Now is not the time to believe in yourself! Believe in me who believes in you!

Kraglin: Um, Cap? Remember that Ayesha chick?

[a Sovereign fleet surrounds their ship]

Yondu: Aw, hell!

Yondu: You can fool yourself and everyone else, but you can't fool me. I know who you are."

Rocket: You don't know anything about me, loser.

Yondu: I know everything about you. I know you play like you're the meanest in the heart but actually you're the most scared of all.

Stakar Ogord: You know, it's a shame that it took the tragedy of losing Yondu to bring us all together again, but I think he would be proud knowing that we're back as a team.

Charlie-27: I'm in.

Martinex: Dope.

Mainframe: I miss you guys so much!

Aleta Ogord: Hell yes!

Stakar Ogord: What do you say we steal some shit?

Ego: You loved my mother.

Ego: I returned to Earth to see her three times. And I knew if I returned a fourth, well, I'd... I'd never leave. The Expansion... the reason for my very existence would be over, so I did what I had to do. But... it broke my heart to put that tumor in her head."

Peter Quill: What?

Ego: Now, now, alright, I know that sounds bad, but...

[Peter continuously shoots Ego with his Quad Blasters]

Ego: [reforms] Who... in the HELL... do you think you are?

Peter Quill: You killed my mother!

Ego: I tried so hard to find the form that best suited you, and this is the thanks I get? You really need to GROW UP! I wanted to do this together, but I suppose you'll have to learn by spending the next thousand years as a BATTERY!

Drax: Screw you, spaceship!

Astronaut: [the Watchers leave] Hey, fellas. Hey, wait. Where ya going? Hey, you were supposed to be my lift home! How will I get outta here? Hey! Aw gee. I've got so many more stories to tell. Oh, guys. Aw gee.

Ayesha: [to the Guardians] Just who the hell do you think you are?

Peter Quill: Well...

Rocket: [to Taserface] What was your first choice, Scrotumhead?

Rocket: [about the Sovereign people] You know, they told me you people were conceded douchebags, but that isn't true at all.

[winks at Peter in front of the Sovereign leader, Ayesha]

Rocket: Oh shit, I'm using my wrong eye again, aren't I? I'm sorry, that was meant to be behind your back.

Drax: When you're ugly and someone loves you, it means they love you for who you are. Beautiful people never know who to trust.

Howard the Duck: [to a lady] So how about a round with the duck?

Mantis: [sees Rocket] I love that scruffy dog, he's so cute I'm gonna die!

[Rocket snarls at Mantis]

Gamora: Can we put the bickering on hold till AFTER we survive the massive space battle?

Peter Quill: Showtime, A-holes!

[last words]

Yondu: [to Peter] I'm sorry I didn't do none of it right, but I'm damn proud you're my boy.

Zylak's Frenemy: You suck, Zylak!

Gamora: [to Nebula] You will always be my sister.

Gamora: You own a planet that can destroy two dozen spaceships without a suit. What are you, exactly?

Ego: I'm what's called a Celestial, sweetheart.

Yondu: [crash lands on Ego] Well, hi there, jackass!

Drax: HAHAHAHA! I have single-handedly vanquished the space beast!

Peter Quill: This is weird, we got a Sovereign fleet approaching from the rear.

Gamora: Why would they do that?

Drax: Probably 'cause Rocket stole some of their batteries.

Rocket: Dude!

Drax: [awkwardly] Right... he didn't steal some of those. I don't know why they're after us, what a mystery this is.

Taserface: [to Yondu] You're the one who killed those men by leading them down the wrong path because you're weak and stupid! It's time for the Ravagers to rise once again to glory with a new captain: Taserface!

Stakar Ogord: [to Yondu] If you think I take pleasure in exiling you, you're wrong. You broke all our hearts.

Meredith Quill: Why did I ever fall in love with a spaceman?

[All the Ravagers give tribute to Yondu]

Martinex: [to Stakar] He didn't let us down, did he?

Stakar Ogord: No, he didn't.

Charlie-27: Farewell, old friend.

Aleta Ogord: Yondu Odonta, I will see you in the stars.

Rocket: [Teasing Drax who is not wearing any armor,cause it hurts his nipples] oh, my nipples hurt,oh goodness me.

Yondu: [to Rocket] You idiot, the body can't survive more than 50 space jumps - we're about to make 700!

[Nebula connects herself to a ship's weapons]

Yondu: This is gonna hurt!

Nebula: Promises, promises.

Nebula: [to Gamora] You're the one who wanted to win, but I just wanted a sister. You were all I had, but you just needed to win. Thanos pulled my eye from my head. He tore my brain from my skull, and my arm from my body... because of you!

Ego: Peter, you and I will be all that remains. So stop pissing me off!

[Mantis touches Gamora, and she feels fear for the first time]

Gamora: What did you do to me?

Peter Quill: [to Rocket] Are you trying to make everyone hate you? Because you're doing it perfectly.

Drax: Out of the way, dumber smaller Groot!

Peter Quill: Isn't immortality boring?

Ego: Not if you have a purpose.

Ayesha: Don't screw with the Sovereign.

Nebula: Not ripe yet.

[repeated line]

Ego: [singing to Looking Glass - Brandy You're a Fine Girl] She works layin' whiskey down; She serves them whiskey and wine, what a good wife you would be...

[sees a pile of bones]

Nebula: We need to get the hell off this planet.

Rocket: [knocks out Gamora] Sorry, I can only lose one friend today.

Gamora: [to Quill] There is no unspoken thing.

[Nebula saves Gamora]

Nebula: Get over it!

Nebula: [to Taserface] I have better enemies to defeat than an old man with a gadget that could be disabled easily.

Gamora: Nebula, I was a little girl, trying to live day by day, not knowing or understanding what that meant to you. There are many other girls out there, like us. You can stay with us, and help them.

Nebula: I can help them, by killing Thanos.

Ayesha: [to Quill] I would be interested in you giving lessons on your physicality, in private.

Ego: I call it the Expansion. It is my purpose, and now it is yours as well. Over thousands of years I implanted thousands of extensions of myself on thousands of worlds. I need to fulfill life's one true purpose, to grow and spread, covering all that exists until everything is... me!

[Star-Lord and Rocket squabble over piloting a ship, in the middle of a battle]

Nebula: IDIOTS!