- [Father Ollie enters wearing an Indiana basketball jersey over his robe]
- Victor: Oh, now, come on, come on!
- Ollie: What, Father?
- Victor: Well, even the Franciscans had-had some rules about... THIS!
- Ollie: Let me check, Father.
- [opens the Bible and reads]
- Ollie: "And cometh game day, 'tis okay to go forth in the colors of thine chosen team unless thine chosen team is the Purdue Boilermakers or the Kentucky Wildcats." God is good. Tip off's in five minutes. I'm makin' my nachos.
- Jane: I get it, but in different circumstances we're totally dating right now.
- Daniel: No. No, I... No.
- Jane: Wow, Father, you really know how to make a girl feel special.
- Daniel: No, I mean, uh, eh, ooo, uh, this isn't... I-I-I... We're... I... I wouldn't say that... that... I mean, we're not. W... I-I-I-I'm not, you know?
- Jane: No, I don't, but I'd be happy to give feedback if you feel compelled to articulate an entire thought.
- Daniel: I am committed to God. Th-th-that means that any, um... um, emotional connection..,. uh, that is... other than friendship - which, which is what I think that we have, uh, friendship. You know, a really strong... But, ah, anything MORE than that is obviously, uh, not allowed. I mean, it goes against everything, uh... everything - heh-heh-heh - that I am, so...
- Jane: How do you expect to get laid if you keep saying that kind of stuff?
- [Daniel exhales]
- Jane: That was a joke. Relax.
- Daniel: Well, you're probably going to hell because of it, so I really hope it was worth it.
- [look of shock and disbelief]
- Daniel: I really can't tell jokes, can I?
- Daniel: I'm not going anywhere.
- Jane: Yeah, well, you're not the one I'm worried about. I'm not crazy, in case you were wondering. I mean, yeah, but no, not really. It started off as a joke, but just saying it, "I'm dying, finite," it gave things a sense of urgency; and, sometimes it doesn't work - well, most of the time - but there are days, if I really let myself buy into it, where I can actually see the beauty of how little time we really have... and lately, that only seems to be happening when I'm with you.
- Victor: [Choir practice, starts singing Amazing Grace with Father Ollie, then breaks into a rap version] There's a descent case for blasphemy here.
- Ollie: Look, you gotta... you gotta find something of your own, something selfish and stupid and... human; otherwise, you just might wind up like Victor.
- Daniel: What's wrong with that?
- Ollie: He wears his collar to Target. I mean he literally puts on his collar to buy Honey Nut Cheerios and toilet paper.
- Victor: What's going on here? What is it?
- Daniel: I met someone.
- Victor: You met someone?
- Daniel: Yes.
- Victor: What does that mean?
- Daniel: A person. I met a person. There was a person, and I met her.
- Victor: Her?
- Daniel: Yes.
- Victor: Hmm. I see. So it wasn't just someone you met. You... you met HER, a... FEMALE someone.
- Daniel: I didn't do anything, Father.
- Victor: No one says you did.
- Daniel: Because I didn't.
- Victor: Okay.
- Daniel: So it doesn't matter if it was a female someone or a "her" if I didn't do anything, which I didn't, so it doesn't... matter.
- Victor: Great.
- Daniel: Terrific.
- Victor: Glory be.
- [starts walking away]
- Daniel: I didn't do anything, Father.
- Victor: Well, that's between you and God now, isn't it?
- Jane: But you did really sell the whole humorless, stodgy priest thing there.
- Daniel: Yeah, we work on it in seminary, for years. Yeah, that and thurible swinging.
- Jane: Thurible swinging?
- Daniel: Yeah.
- Jane: Sounds dirty.
- Daniel: Uh, well, I mean...
- Jane: Sorry. It's late, you're cute, I'm human.
- Daniel: Can I... ask you a question?
- Jane: Maybe.
- Jane: The whole dying thing?
- Jane: No.
- Daniel: What?
- Jane: Let's not.
- Daniel: Come on.
- Jane: You've got off-limits, you know, stuff, so do I.
- Daniel: Well, we both know that you're not...
- Jane: Daniel.
- Daniel: I mean, you don't even look sick, like, at all.
- Jane: It's late. I should go inside.
- Daniel: Jane...
- Jane: Thanks for walking me home.
- Daniel: I-I-I-I-I didn't mean to... It's just... I don't know why we have to keep up with the, you know, charade.
- Jane: Charade?
- Daniel: No, that's not what I... I... I-I just mean... eh-eh-eh-eh, y-you don't... I mean, you look...
- Jane: How?
- Daniel: What?
- Jane: How do I look?
- Daniel: Well, no, I... I... I just...
- Jane: I don't look frail...
- [walking towards him, getting closer, while he's backing up]
- Jane: helpless? I seem a bit too healthy? Well, I guess that's a testament to my formidable spirit.
- [whispering in his ear]
- Jane: Good night, friend.
- [kisses him on the cheek]
- Jane: [left to himself, thinking, stunned. voice over of a man singing Amazing Grace]
- Jane: If we're gonna proceed with this whole star-crossed, platonic, G-rated tragicomedy of ours, we should be very clear on what we can and can't do.
- Ruth: My problem is that he'll tell his mother every little detail about our life, but with me it's just... I think that he has a problem with communication, and that is what he really needs to work on; and, he knows that already because I tell him all the time, but he just goes about his day like he doesn't even hear me, which you can imagine, doesn't feel good when I'm trying to express my feelings, which I believe is at the core of the problem with the marriage. Not to say that we don't have a good marriage, because we do. It's just, I thought that if we talked to someone within the Church, it might better open up the lines of communication between...
- [notices Father Daniel has fallen asleep]
- Jane: [planning her own funeral] As far as pallbearers go, are those included or should I make a list of ex-boyfriends with decent upper-body strength?
- Jane: Yes, Daniel, you can take me home, but, please, no funny business. I'm saving myself for the right clergyman.
- Ollie: [trying out the new sound system] I keep hearing some sort of reverb.
- Victor: Reverb is not the problem.
- Ollie: It's like a flange or... I'm-I'm hearing some...
- Victor: There's no flange.
- Ollie: Do you even know what a flange is?
- Victor: Oh, maybe the problem is that our equipment, uh, happens to amplify your vocal imperfections.
- Ollie: Full disclosure. I-I haven't had an opportunity to read the manual, but I don't think this piece of equipment comes with a setting for drowning out jealousy.
- Daniel: When do they put makeup on Jesus?
- Jane: Have you looked at any of the crucifixes where he's got, like, blush on and some eyeliner?
- Daniel: [laughs] It's hot in the sun.
- Jane: Um, no. They're making him look pretty. He looks like a woman in some of those, which is not all that weird because, you know, maybe... , who knows?