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TV writer Bruce Willis and crossword puzzle designer Michelle Pfeiffer are in a rut: should they get a divorce and lie to their kids who have been conveniently shipped off to summer camp or should they struggle to work it out through too many flashbacks? Producer/director Rob Reiner takes a stab at terrifically unfunny buttocks humor and Rita Wilson forces up mid-70s Jill Clayburgh wisecracks about empty toilet paper rolls over a Bev Hill brunch (hey, how about the way he squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle Ñ yuck yuck!). Every other line is packed with sub-Bombeckian platitudes on life and relationships laced with attempts to wake up the audience with nutty Bill Kirchenbauer and Lucy Webb, some Paul Reiser yacking, quirky couples therapists, and a Red Buttons-Betty White-Jayne Meadows-Tom Poston bed scene so contrived itÕll make you gag. Accompanied by an unplugged, limp but sincere Eric Clapton on Ò(I) Get LostÓ and a blast from Mason WilliamsÕ ÒClassical GasÓ (1968). I wanted to say this so badly Ñ Meathead has done in comedy what his magnificent father could never have done on his worst day: become predictable Ñ but I can't; itÕs all the fault of writers Alan Zweibel and Jessie Nelson. Blah.

Over-the-hill Paramount Studios screenwriter hires muse to inspire him to get back his edge. She turns out to be less than ethereal, in fact, a high maintenance case. Albert BrooksÕ humor comes in small waves, gathering momentum, then in rapid-firing one liners. Especially witty: the tennis court bit with Jeff Bridges (ARLINGTON ROAD); miscommunications with ÒforeignerÓ at a SpagoÕs party. Sharon trapses around in Emanuel Ungaro draperies looking like a Bev Hills chic Audra Lindley. Andie MacDowell is the wife with cookies to spare. Cameos include James Cameron, Rob Reiner, Martin Scorsese, Wolfgang Puck, Steven Wright (as SpielbergÕs scruffy cousin). Coming off that forced remake GLORIA, youÕll be surprised and say, By Jove, I think Sharon StoneÕs got it! But did we really need to be beaten over the head with director jokes?

The spirit of a Brazilian priest enters the body of 23-year old partying cosmetologist Patricia Arquette (Goodbye Lover), causing holes in her wrists and feet, lashes on her back, cuts on her head, and forcing her to scream loudly, hallucinate, bleed, write Phoenician on walls, and damage the apartment plumbing during Pittsburg's rainy season. The Vatican's miracle detective, scientist, and priest Gabriel Byrne is called to investigate, but when he stumbles upon JesusÕ first-person text (presumably the lost Gospel of St. Thomas discovered in 1945) the Church authorities - led by Infiniti spokesman Jonathan Pryce - try to silence it. Lots of zany camera gimmicry (including chronophotography!) by Rupert Wainwright, retro horror synth ostinati, Billy Corgan noises, and neo-Linda Blair levitation antics. But remember, our hair stylist isn't ìpossessed' in the Hollywood occult sense, she is a messenger for this lost 'gospel', so there is no green barf, swearing, spitting, peeing, or head spinning; she is a stigmatic in the tradition of St. Francis of Assisi.

Charlize TheronÕs husband is probably an alien (a spooky Johnny Depp with a Southern twang); she herself experiences more than a few extreme psychological swings (note especially the rapid cutting during a subway sequence at the height of her paranoia) while ex-NASA zany and John Sayles veteran Joe Morton tries to warn her that her gestating twins are not of this world. Concerned sis Clea Duvall (THE FACULTY) has a scary face. A little too stylish and dreamy, but decent sci-fi for chicks, with lots of wrenching emotional scenes (even a clip from PENNY SERENADE). This is Miss TheronÕs moment.

Kevin Costner, Kelly Preston, John C. Reilly. Detroit Tigers 19-year veteran ace pitcher goes against the NY Yanks one last time for that perfect game, flashing back in the dugout and on the mound with memories of boyhood catch with dad in Super-8, tender moments with opposing and fellow players off the field, and, especially, the on-again/off-again romance with magazine writer and single mom Kel. Can 40-year old Kev come out a winner? Sam EVIL DEAD Raimi successfully uses a variety of techniques (but not TOO many!) to capture the excitement of live and televised baseball with focal point Kev (and he wouldnÕt have it any other way) bearing all sorts of crosses including age, selling of the ball club, retirement, a relationship in the bottom of the 9th, etc. This sappy Kev-fest works with the help of RaimiÕs reserve and Basil PoledourisÕ impassioned synth soundtrack, driving us to a nail-biting crescendo with our own living legend Vin Scully calling the play-by-play.

Heather Donahue, Michael Williams, Joshua Leonard. Dir., Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez. Three student filmmakers get lost, hungry, and desperate in the chilly Burkittsville, Maryland woods trying to complete their 16mm, DAT, and video documentary. The creepiest thing about this film is not the barely audible crackles and voices surrounding their camp, not the frenetically hand-held chase scenes, not the bizarre hanging effigies, rock piles, and twig bundle, but the film you might play in your mind hours after itÕs over, trying to fill in gaps and spots of darkness. Every evening show has been jammed with underaged Ôteens who canÕt wait to see what all the fuss is about.

One good jolt with a skeleton does not make a good horror film. Lili Taylor is a mentally unstable participant along with zesty artist Catherine Zeta-Jones and suspicious dude Owen Wilson in Liam Neeson's cruel study of the "science of fear" under the guise of sleep disorder sessions conducted at an early 19th-century mansion, which turns out to be full of the ghosts of children worked to death by their evil textile mill boss and builder of the house. Jan de Bont's take on Shirley Jackson's THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE feels more like an overhyped Disneyland ride (with Tippett Studio FX and Jerry Goldsmith clich's) than a horror movie, but it serves a good purpose...to remind us to rent Robert Wise's 1963 black and white UK classic, if for one reason alone: to hear Julie Harris scream, "It's in the nursery!"

David Strathairn is a retired fisherman and handyman with a painful past who finds himself stranded on an island with a jaded lounge singer Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio (who could croon alongside Judy Collins anyday) and her troubled Ôteen daughter Vanessa Martinez, in this dysfunctional wilderness family adventure. Several jabs at the elderly tourist-swollen Alaskan coast. Not great John Sayles but interesting.

Jason Biggs, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Chris Klein (ELECTION). Four high school guys agree to get laid on prom night, but find out itÕs a lot harder than it seems. Every single joke is about sex, and although Eugene LevyÕs knitted black caterpillar eyebrows and facial contortions as the concerned dad Ñ using porn mags to teach his son about the birds and bees Ñ are always a hoot, the filmÕs about-face tone shift from chicken-choking to earnest and sensitive arrives too late. Or maybe IÕm just getting old. Co-starring Playboy pinup Shannon Elizabeth as the exotic Eastern European exchange student and Natasha Lyonne as the husky-voiced, world-wise yenta-widda-heart. And what late-90s 'teen sex movie is complete without a "Third Eye Blind" tune?

Trey Parker, Matt Stone. The most vulgar movie ever created is a musical with Satan and libidinous lover Saddam Hussein scheduled to take over the world if the blood of two filthy Canadian comics Philip and Terrence is spilled on South Park, Colorado soil. KyleÕs mom births the militant organization Mothers Against Canadians (MAC) to combat the terrible influence on American youngstersÕ fragile little minds after hearing the children cuss like sailors; Stan continues vomitting on his girl and taking ChefÕs advice; CartmanÕs head is fitted with a V-Chip to control his mouth; and Kenny, rejecting a baked potato transplant in the ER, is transported to a busomy paradise.

Adam Sandler, Joey Lauren Adams (CHASING AMY), Rob Schneider (doing yet another dorky foil), Jon Stewart (THE DAILY SHOW), Cole and Dylan Sprouse (some child actors come in pairs, viz., The Olsen Twins). Law school dropout takes care of cute kid to impress his girlfriend (Kristy Swanson) but instead grows to like him, pees on a restaurant door, and meets a new chick. If I hear the words ÒgoofyÓ and ÒcharmÓ together one more time...!

Bridget Fonda (a better McBeal) is a petulant NY paleontologist sent to rural Maine to investigate a tooth removed from a half-eated corpse. She meets sheriff Brendan Gleeson (whose subtle delivery is not lost in this context), ranger Bill Pullman, and nutcase mythology professor Oliver Platt, and they go in search of Stan WinstonÕs animatronic spirit of Sobek. Betty White is the zany old bat who feeds the wildlife. Lots of laughs, a couple of heads, a few cows, and a surprise bear takedown keep this one afloat...but the aerial shot of the gargantuan reptile sizing up an incredulous and vulnerable Platt treading water is the looker. Sometimes the best way to catch a 30-foot alligator is with an abandoned helicopter. ItÕs nice to see David E. Kelley unwind a bit. Directed by Steve Miner.

David LynchÕs favorite film composer Angelo Badalamenti teams up with TomandandyÕs synth percussion and industrial noise to drive Mark PellingtonÕs extreme close-ups, hand-held frenzy, angular shots, filter juggling (he has a bit of Lynch in him, by the way), eerie lighting, and Conrad BuffÕs slam-your-face editing in an edgy yarn about widowed George Washington University American History professor and single dad who investigates next-door-neighbor Tim Robbins and wifey Joan Cusak, suspecting he is a terrorist. Wild and loud, the way it should be.

Barry SonnenfeldÕs need to show off super-dooper SFX contraptions (railroad car and giant spider) does not distract too much from the Smith-Klein chemistry in this fun Ulysses S. Grant-era sci-fi comedy about legless bad guy Kenneth Branaugh bargaining away U.S. territories with world governments Ñ intending to encapsulate the 1965-70 CBS TV series Ÿberplot. Salma Hayek shows some. Closing Fresh Prince title tune samples Stevie WonderÕs ÒI WishÓ (1976). Elmer Bernstein dances around his original main theme for an hour.

Dir., Francois Girard. A 300+ year-old violin passes through the hands of its Italian maker, a sickly young German protege in Vienna, a sensual English superstar virtuoso who looks like Carrot Top with sideburns, and a female Party member in Mao's Shanghai. This overlong, dull, contrived cut-and-paste job overlayed with fortune-teller narration masquerades as an intricately woven Euro-saga (even composer John Corigliano couldn't make it sound important), and it should have been called '32 time shifts for nothing'. The only saving graces are Joshua Bell's astonishing solos and Jean-Luc Bideau's performance as the boy's teacher. Co-starring Greta Scacchi and Samuel L. Jackson.

Getting upset at Spike Lee for ethnic caricature is like being offended by Pete Townsend for destroying guitars...don't fight it, just accept it. In 1977, Bronx hairdresser (John Leguizamo), repeating heavy doses of nicotine, Miller in cans, ludes, cocaine, and Catholic guilt, blames the world for his womanizing ways whilst his loyal wife (Mira Sorvino) finally walks out on him, red Camaro convertible and all. A newly converted punk (Adrien Brody) returns to the neighborhood, hooking up with the local slut (Jennifer Esposito) for hardcore nights at CBGBs and making porn, then freaking out the Layton Avenue ragazzi who are convinced he is the .44 caliber killer. Leguizamo sizzles in the 100F+ heatwave, five-burrough blackout, and a therapeutic orgy at Plato's Retreat. The Monster (Michael Badalucco) splatters couples making out in cars at point blank range, gets advice from the black dog next door, and submits notes to the cops and the DAILY NEWS while Reggie Jackson triple-home runs his way into Yankee history over the Dodgers. Terence Blanchard's brass-dominated score ranges from Elmer Bernstein Moses regal to neo-hard bop ballad sappy. Great period tunes by Abba, Chic, Marvin Gaye, Barry White, Thelma Houston, Elvin Bishop, Peter Brown, The Emotions, and The Who's 'Baba Riley' and 'Won't Get Fooled Again' (1971) receive adequate montage sequences. Funny and violent, a triumph over the lame HE GOT GAME (1998). Trademark deadpan Lee makes an appearance as a lamb-chopped reporter in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn.

Two old lesbians (Blythe Danner, Geraldine McEwan) misplace a mushy declaration which passes through many hands, causing the misguided affections of bookstore employees in the small Massachusetts town of Loblolly by the Sea. America's most famous 40-something shiksa (Kate Capshaw)--wearing unbuttoned blouses and showing bits and pieces--bonks a 20-year old college student (Tom Everett Scott) whilst avoiding the advances of a local fireman (Tom Selleck). Ellen DeGeneres tries to keep it afloat with sitcom chutzpah, but the house ensemble (featuring intrusive French accordion and nylon-stringed guitar), instead of providing satirical counterpoint, only exaggerates the shmaltz. Let's hope Mrs. Spielberg and all the rich Hollywood celebs in this titanic turkey are satisfied with themselves. Directed by Peter Ho-Sun Chan (HE'S A WOMAN, SHE'S A MAN, 1994). Tunes include Louis Armstrong's 'I'm in the Mood for Love' , Roy Orbison's 'Only the Lonely' (1960), and a twofer from Giacomo Puccini's TOSCA (1900).

Promising med student Thandie Newton (BELOVED, who is still not afraid to pee and slobber on camera) cleans Italian villa of eccentric English piano teacher (David Thewlis, THE BIG LEBOWSKI) after fleeing dictatorial takeover in her native Africa, her school teacher husband imprisoned. After a series of awkward encounters, the two warm to each other, their musics blend, and expensive objects are sold for a reason. Selections by Mozart, Scriabin, Bach, and a fascinating J.C. Ojwang, who functions as an agitating one-man chorus during the first half. Those who came to this for Bertolucci because of a vague memory of LAST TANGO IN PARIS (1973) and for Newton because she is black will get to see fine acting, great camera work and scenery, real Africans, the streets of Rome, and to hear excellent piano playing by Stefano Arnaldi, and, hopefully, not be disappointed that they weren't force-fed any scenes with chickens or homies gettin' shot up in the 'hood to a gangsta rap soundtrack.

Bicycles and phonograph records pop up in Michael Hoffman's soporific reading of the 1595 comedy of young lust and tampering fairies, this time set in late 19th century Tuscany. Starring wacko Calista Flockhart (ALLY MCBEAL), ethereal Michelle Pfieffer, studly Rupert Everett (MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING), puckish Stanley Tucci (BIG NIGHT), plucky Anna Friel, donkey-faced Kevin Kline, smitten Christian Bale, grave David Strathairn (SIMON BIRCH, BAD MANNERS) and passionate Dominic West. Take my word, while the visions appear...slumber.

Ambitious Reese Witherspoon stops at nothing to win the high school student council presidency in Omaha, Nebraska, while Matthew Broderick is a history teacher with a grudge who throws obstacles in her way--namely, a dough-headed jock (Chris Klein) and miscounting of votes--and is sidetracked by an awkward affair and bee-sting to the eyelid which end up destroying his marriage and career until he meets his fate as museum tour guide in NYC. Very funny at times. MTV Production's best film. Directed and co-written by Alexander Payne (CITIZEN RUTH, 1996). Okay tunes, including Donovan, The Commodores, Mandy Barnett, Patience and Prudence, April March, and The Damnations TX, who seem to be all over the soundtrack world.

Rich, cocky catererÕs handsome face (Eduardo Noriega) is maimed in a car accident on his 25th birthday, disrupting his pursuit of a pretty park mime (PenZlope Cruz, who kisses her cat on the lips) and causing nightmarish encounters with the carnivore he is trying to shake (Najwa Nimri). Told from a Madrid asylum. Things are not what they seem. Directed and co-written with skillful slight-of-hand by Alejandro Amen?bar.

American movie star pops into spasmodically-blinking Hugh Grant's little travel book shop in a suburb of London. Soon, they dine with friends, have it on, and get caught off guard by paparazzi flash bulbs--something with which Mr. Grant is familiar--but not without getting to know one another. Acting: B-; premise: F+. You know this one's full of itself when slo-mo shots and pics of Julia illuminate and fade during Elvis Costello's spewing opener, 'She'. The ones to watch aren't the headliners (Hugh Bonneville, Emma Chambers, James Dreyfus, Tim McInnerny), especially the nutty flatmate (Rhys Ifans). These actors could have made a good movie without Richard Curtis and Roger Mitchell, called 'Four Dinner Guests and a Welshman'. Tee hee.

Jedi Knights Qui-Gon Jinn and young Obi-Wan Kenobi (Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor) discover prepubescent slave Anakin Skywalker's (Jake Lloyd) talents on Tatooine, winning him in a bet. Meanwhile, the evil Nimoudians rade Theed with Sino-Tibetan traces in Nute Gunray's 'Chinese' accent and Natalie Portman's endless exotic costume changes as Queen Amidala. Avoiding RETURN OF THE JEDI's Muppet overkill, writer/director/exec. producer George Lucas returns to balanced entertainment and fun for everyone, especially Ani's podrace, Darth Maul's martial arts with double-lightsaber (Ray Park), and the droid army-Gungan battle sequences with accidental general Jar Jar Binks (body movement model and mush-mouthed Jamaican by Ahmed Best) being zany. Music by John Williams. Yoda and Samuel L. Jackson make appearances as Jedi Council, deliberating upon whether or not Ani is 'the chosen one'. Oh, but we know...

Divorced Chicago school teacher (James Caan) and nephew (Jacob Tierney) travel to northern Ireland in search of family history. What they get is a moving saga of 1939 small-town curses, romance, Catholicism, and tragedy. The final twist will throw you off. Co-starring Moya Farrelly, Aidan Quinn, John Cusack, Stephen Rea, Brendan Gleeson (THE GENERAL), and Gina Moxley. Directed and written by Paul Quinn. Cinematography by Declan Quinn. And that's how many Quinns it takes to make a movie.

Late 1920s American explorer Brendan Fraser and amateur Egyptologist Rachel Weisz are followed by a band of plunderers to the desert's treasures and terrors a la Indiana Jones, with chuckles, epidermal scarabs, blood-sucking freaks, zany Arabs, and big sand SFX (co-producer Patricia Carr). Co-starring a scary Arnold Vosloo. Fun.