Freebasedog

Hence why I've given it a 5 even though it you are watching it today it's probably more like a 2.

I haven't even seen all of this movie, but I really loved what I did catch. (on Bizarre TV on Roku.) Clearly low on funds and with little regard paid to convention I bet this hidden gem had a shot at VHS infamy, though sadly it was not in the cards. It's dedication to practical Gore effects and lack of dedication to typical story beats make it a stand out IMO, and a more interesting specimen in this knock off genre than many infamous Italian entries.

Wow this movie was CRAZY!!! OMG LOL!!! It made me almost wish that I had found all my children dead in a lake and then murdered the crap out of my wife!! OMG LOL!!! It also made me wish that when they were drafting the script that someone said "hey Martin Scorcese finally turned to crap, someone should commit HIM to an island full of crazy people until HE can figure some *beep* out!! OMG LOL!!! And then I wish instead of using their gay Shamalamadam ending that they had given Teddy special abilities, kind of like Neo in the Matrix (OMG LOL) but not really, but you know maybe something super cool to let him defeat everyone like a laser gun or maybe he could shoot lasers out of his eyes (an ability he developed due to his very sad situation with Heath Ledger's wife, almost like angry Super Tears) or maybe even he would just be super strong and know martial arts and could feel no pain like how that lady from the rap song about having sex with moms was talking about in the cave (similar to how they learn in the future to block out pain as explained by Kyle Reese in Terminator - maybe a connection here? IDK) and then with all his powers no one could stop him from finding the truth!! OMG LOL x5!!! Only the REAL twist then is that he is about to escape and then his FBI boss comes up to him and says "Teddy this was all just a role-play because we knew it was the only way for you to develop your powers. You will be a very important weapon in our fight against the communist threat and now Shutter Island will be your secret headquarters where you train other people to have your powers too so we can beat the crap out of Russians and beatniks, and who knows maybe even china or those Chineses in Vietnam will step out of line some day. So what do you say say Teddy, are you ready for it?" And then Teddy will say "OMG LOL!!! You bet!! And here I was almost going crazy thinking I was stuck inside a movie with terrible twist for stupid jerks!!" And then his boss will say "you watch your mouth Teddy those people are Americans and we need their support in this war....but OMG LOL you are right, we FBIs and CIAses are smarter than them and I bet we will pull some CRAZY pranks on those dummies one day in the future as we wrest democratic power away from the populous and into the hands of the wealthy" and then Teddy gives him a look that sort of says 'omg lol' (cuz he's like "as if" because he's a good man) then no one says anything for 7 seconds and then teddy says "Hey is Chuck still my partner" and the boss says "Chuck, are you up for it?" and Chuck says "You're damn right I am" and then Teddy says, "OK how about I buy my partner a beer" (cuz his powers let him drink again, but only beer no scotch) and they are walking away and chuck says "hey man you think maybe you could teach me some of your powers like maybe the laser eye or like being able to fly?"(forgot to mention teddy can also fly) and Teddy goes "Sure pal, but not right now there are commu-terror-ists taking over the Boston Gardens and we have to go stop them because the Celtics might just win the championship soon and then again almost every year until when jimi Hendrix dies, cuz that will break their spirit and make them sad" and Chuck goes "I'm getting too old for this S-word...and who the crud is jimi Hendrix?" and they all laugh and then freeze frame right as they jump into action to go get those suckers.

OMG LOL!!!!!!!! BTW the 'who is jimi Hendrix' part is extra funny cuz chuck was from Seattle and so was jimi Hendrix so maybe they even lived in the same town at one time or were in class together and he STILL doesn't know him!! Also Chuck's probably a racist so he wouldn't even talk to jimi Hendrix in class but it's not entirely his fault cuz in those days up until around 1997 your dad would force you to be a racist (i know for a fact OMG LOL) but still jimi Hendrix was probably even cool to a racist cuz his special power was coolness.

Wigga Please

Seriously, next time you hear a black director complaining about how tough it is to get their movie made or how biased the Hollywood system is don't blame 'the man' no matter how tempting...blame Vondie Curtis Hall. Once thought to be the Spike Lee of useless people, Mr. Hall vaulted himself into the loser hall of fame not long after Gridlock'd for his work on the monumental Glitter, which would have been the Gigli of it's day had Mariah Carey not been long washed up by the time of its release. Lil' Vondie did no better with Gridlock'd despite having a decent cast and a plot revolving around heroin, which was like the goose that laid the golden demographic during most of the 90's. Unfortunately, Hall chose to make the actors say line that even Jesus couldn't pull off and throw in every cliché in three books. I guess he thought that making a relevant black movie was as easy as being black and hiring a prominent hip hop star to act in unfortunately his worst, and I believe last, role of a relatively short career. Throw in a little Tim Roth during his "I'm too cool for school because I'm in some Tarantino flicks and can do no wrong" period of overratedness and some absolutely embarrassingly brutal scenes of the two of them in a Jazz club playing stand-up bass and keyboards, respectively, with Thandie Newton on vocals and you, my dear Vondie, have a perfect recipe for a truly pathetic disaster. But you have to give him a little credit, somehow he convinced two pretty big stars to take a chance on his little movie, who most would think was not even quite at first draft stage, (although who knows...maybe it would have been great with a competent director)and somehow after this horrific disaster still lived to magically taint the disease-ridden career of Mariah Carey to irreparable levels. I'm no expert, but I'd say he does a lot of praying.

Finally, a film for retarded people. Thanks to mentally retarded writer Brennon Jones and visually impaired director Paul Wynne "Makin' Baby" eliminates the problems most retarded people have with following or understanding films, while at the same time puts the average viewer in the shoes of a thousand such retards. If there is a mentally handicapped person close to you, I suggest you rent 'Making Baby', cook up a batch of S'mores, sit back and witness the joy.

The complete disregard for logic or film language make this entertaining romp unforgettable, much like Screech Powers' excellent campaign video for Zach Morris' Presidential bid during the third season of Saved by the Bell...only not as good. But it does have one feature which was blatantly absent from that otherwise perfect master work: MYSTIKAL

Although he does not appear nearly as much as the above the title credit or prominent appearance on both the box and DVD art would have you believe, Mystikal provides the classic one-two punch that fans have begun to expect from the established rapper/rapist. Except that he never raps. Newcomer Robert Van Newkirk shines as Ludwig, Mystikal's ever present companion and implied homosexual mate. His cries of "Hey, shut up over there" are raw and genuine, though he is just as capable of letting his sideburns do the talking. People all over America are already trying to take credit for this discovery, touted by some industry veterans as "not just the next Lorenzo Lamas - but the first Robert Van Newkirk. Period."

Yes, I think we can all expect big things from Robert Van Newkirk, and in 4 to 6 years from Mystikal as well. As for Paul Wynne and Brennon Jones, God bless you guys and keep those chins up. Remember, there's no handicaps in Heaven.

Holy crap, this movie is the best cartoon ever. Especially during the Kung Fu parts, of which there are several. And let's not forget the funny parts, which flowed like cheap wine at an office Christmas party and included hidden flakes of golden brilliance. Also there's an awesome part where a kid gets peed on on the head...how many of your fancy pants movies have that, poindexter? Anyway, you wanna know how good of a cartoon it is? It's not even a cartoon and it's still the best cartoon ever. Got it, jerks?

Hmm, it says I need more lines of text so here goes. Uh, hmmmmmm. Ah yes, this movie was AMAZING!!!!!! I don't want to spoil it or anything but there's this one huge fight scene and it totally rules!!!! And the beginning is awesome too!! Seriously, the only thing that would have improved this movie would be if the actors had been speaking more clearly. It sounded almost like Chinese or something.

This was an example of that rare movie that really got me thinking. I was thinking things like "What will I eat for a snack later?" and "Why is this movie so stupid?" and "Why would someone make this crappy movie when they could have easily and inexpensively made a delicious sandwich instead?" I was also thinking "Tom Sizemore looks like he's still on drugs, I guess he's not listening to the judge, and he also seems like he hasn't completed his anger management training."

I think I'll watch it a few more times, who knows which important questions it will raise next? Wait I've already got one...."Is that movie Cellular even worse than Paparazzi?" I'll let you know.

Seriously, this Josh Kornbluth character needs to go down. I don't know where you guys got the money to make this super ultra mega garbage crap, but if you stole it from me I will take serious revenge. Violent, messy, disrespectful, smelly revenge. Damn you Kornbluths!!!!! Damn you!!!!!!

Here's a haiku for you ridiculously untalented, money wasting, thinking you're all funny and insightful when you are in fact useless, 2 hours of my life ruining hacks:

This movie sucks. It sucks more than a baby calf at its mother's teet. It seriously is so bad that you will roll around in agony, willing to kill your whole family just to make it stop. I almost killed myself during this movie. Don't rent it even if it's free. As bad as I'm making it sound...it's way worse. They should test nuclear weapons on this movie. This movie proves there was no god as he would have surely stopped such a horrible atrocity. If you want to see a much better movie about the quirks of office life then just watch anything else. anything at all. Even a movie about gay pirates. If you want to see the best movie involving an office of any kind watch Die Hard. Die Hard rules. Die Hard should have stopped Kornbluth before so much irreparable damage was done to the world. Kornbluth, thou art my nemesis Grrrrr!!!!!!

I know it's not your standard haiku, but I just had to get it all out.

P.S. The formatting did't work and so my poem has been robbed of some of its luster.

What a triumphant masterpiece!!! This movie was totally awesome...similar to the way that it's awesome to watch a dog get confused when it sees another dog on TV. This movie was mega-entertaining much in the same way as Gigli, Swept Away, or Glitter.

Director Uwe Boll is definitely a super genius. Except more like a genius if it was a dog genius with glasses and a graduation hat. I'm so excited to see that after directing a flop like this (that was even hated by special classes across America) he is lined up to direct a 3 more video game adaptations. I hope the next time he actually just films 2 kids playing the video game and overdubs dialogue in his own voice.

Yeah so, this movie is not kidding, eh, its really about a big fish and it's very cool and stuff. I think the acting was so good and so was the directing and the musicing. But I didn't exactly see the whole thing but it was awesome! The thing is I was watching the movie and there was this scene with this giant fish, and I mean huge!!! Not just big, but like friggin real big giant type big humungous and shizz. Seriously, see it just for that cuz this fish is way bigger than you are even imagining no matter what. But anyway, so's I'm getting some bad indigestion like I do sometimes and I start with the bad gas too and these people behind me who seem to be really serious about movies start telling me to get lost and stop farting or they're gonna beat me up and stuff and I'm like 'hey it's a free country' and they're like 'free enough for me to beat you up' and I'm like 'screw off you're giving me gas' and anyway they made me leave the theatre so I didn't see the rest of the movie but I sat in the lobby and got 3 free refills of my large coke. But that fish was mega-huge and my friend who wasn't farting told me it was really good after the fish part even though some of it was like totally not realistic. So anyhow, I recommend it so much that I will go see it again probably.

This movie is such an amazing achievement that I am struggling with what to say about it. No review or plot summary can ever even touch on the layered brilliance of this holy grail. As you may notice, I have had to invent the word 'cramfabulant' just to attempt to describe the emotional cocktail in which I was bathing while watching this cramfabulant film. Don't believe the poor star rating, or anyone who tries to explain this complex display of cramfabulessance. It simply needs to be experienced. But if I had to best describe it without mentioning the insanely amazing story, it would be something like "Imagine David Lynch directing the script of a low I.Q. first time screenwriting mental patient while both of them abused unapproved prescription meds in a closed garage full of open paint cans."

Gothikaaaaaa! Da da nanana da da da da da da na Gothikaaaa!!!! Rrrrrrr! Da da da da da da nananana Gothika Hey! Gothika Ho! Gothika Yes! Gothika No!

1,2,3,4

Gothika! Grr ra ra ra ra!

Gothika!

Du nananananana nanana

Gothika!!!!

If they used that song in the movie it would have ruled. Instead of

being gay.

This movie totally proves the reality of time travel with true science!

I am so excited, think of the possibilities! If we can go to the future

we can get all the best technology like pieces of the Terminator

and if we go to the past we can save Kurt Cobain or steal Hitler's

Brain! Also, did you know that by setting up your own on-line

auctions you can make $5000 a week? And that's just the

beginning! Imagine what we could do by combining the power of

on-line auctions with the benefits of time travel! Seriously think

about it. It's quick, easy, and you can do it in your spare time! I for

one want to be my own boss for a change. Thanks time travel!

This movie is a golden feast bursting with the delicious flavours of a grade A hamburger cooked to perfection and shoved into an exhaust pipe during some well executed tomfoolery. Few directors have burst on the scene with as much promise as a young George Mihalka in 1979, truly a time which we all remember as the Pinball Summer. With the ballsy grit of a Canadian Martin Scorcese who was half circus clown and half inbred madman, Mihalka was the name on the tip of many film industry tongues that year. This homo-erotic masterpiece - scored to perfection by songwriting team Jay Boivin & Germaine Gauthier A.K.A. The Rock'n'Roll Genius Twin Set - had people expecting great things from the young maverick. Stars Michael Zelniker and Tom Kovacs became overnight sensation heartthrob superstars in the gay sections of Montreal ghettos. The plot, following the exploits of two fun loving idiots who constantly screw over other people for no reason, was of immeasurable influence to some of the biggest comedy hits of the next decade. Films such as Police Academy and Snowboard Academy took the patented Pinball Summer formula of mixing a wacky, mischievous protagonist with the occasional naked boobies and added their own elements like 'funny black guy' or 'short nerd who is also dumb' or in some cases 'poop snowman.'

This influence can not be accurately gauged by the film's commercial success, as it failed to ignite at the box office during a year which the a short lived 'Pinball Craze of 79/80' was sucking the disposable income from an estimated 90% of America's illiterate youth. (The original tagline of "Pinball Was their Vietnam" didn't seem to help much either) Fortunately, several discarded prints of the film found their way into the right hands and began making the rounds at some of Hollywood's most lavish coke parties. Before long Pinball Summer was not only the hippest movie to feature at coke parties across America, it became an in-joke which served as a passkey into the cocaine culture that ruled the 80's. Those who didn't know the right references from Pinball Summer simply weren't allowed access to the back rooms of the presidential suites or anywhere on Roberts Evans' property, and in some cases were badly beaten out of paranoid suspicion.

While most of the cast shunned the poison apple of Hollywood and went back to working as happy garbagemen in various townships across Quebec, a hungry George Mihalka kept at it. And while his career never reached the heights that his mother had predicted after such an astonishing debut, there are many critics who feel that 14 projects and 16 years later Mihalka finally bested himself with the straight to video favorite 'Deceptions 2: Edge of Deception.' D2 transplanted many of the dominant themes of his early work into the thriving genre of the erotic thriller, and opened the doors for the radical visionary to bring the his message to a new generation with a new set of problems. In 1995 D2 was unleashed on VHS to a world far more complex and less fun loving than that of 1979. A world where Pinball is sadly no longer the answer. Thank God naked boobies can still make a difference.

Perhaps the greatest thing about Eriq LaSalle is what a massive tool he is. Just the fact that he spells his name with a Q is enough to make me fall in love with killing him. And although I very much enjoyed his early work as the Jerycurled Darryl in Coming to America or ICE in the non-hit "Rappin'" - there was still something about the old cat that made me want to molest his dead corpse.

However, La Salle has become quite a masterful director, debuting with the "super-awesome basketball street legend with too much 'tude to make in in the college system and too much of a smack habit to not be a drug addict who dies homeless and strung out" odyssey 'The GOAT' and then moving on to such projects as the acclaimed and crappy 'Soul Food the series' and of course Crazy as Hell...strangely enough all featuring Ronny Cox. Except Soul Food which features an unwarranted zero percent Ronny Cox. The other two feature Mr. Cox prominently - and rightly so. I like to think they're in love and maybe have a loft together uptown where they spend their time away from work baking cookies and enjoying the smooth relaxation provided only by the properly executed mixture aroma therapy and yoga. Anyway, getting back to the point, young Eriq's career as both hobbyist director and overpaid television actor was running along smoothly. So smoothly in fact, that he may have even been able to convince someone to let him make a real movie at some point. You know, like one of those crappy movie's where it doesn't matter who directs it because retards will like it anyway, like that new one with Denzel Washington or anything with Russell Crowe. Well, instead it seems that he thought he could just hire a bunch of other NBC actors and dress himself up like a weird pervert and make a psycho-super-natur-ological-thrill-ride that was a sure hit with people who's cable was out and were the last ones to get to the video store so this is all that was left in the new release section so they rented it because for some reason people now only value how new a film is rather than how awesome or not awesome it is.

Overall the movie is just a good as the cover, and La Salle may still be nominated for awards someday. Perhaps 'actor who you most wish was your real doctor' or 'president of the world' Now that this review has gone on way too long I'll provide a summary for the impatient ones that skip to the bottom. La-rent this film immediately, or better yet La-buy it for $9.99 at Wal-Mart. Then display the cover prominently on your mantle or even have it framed. But do not remove the DVD/VHS from the box.

This movie is a surprisingly charming, light-hearted romantic comedy about a cop (Hollywood's Vin Diesel) who swears revenge on a powerful drug kingpin and his cronies after they murder his wife. This movie has lots of bad music and at least one scene with lots of cool shooting which takes place right after Diesel, in true comic fashion, beats a man to death. Vin Diesel's acting is a hilarious treat, and surely there can no longer be any question that he has earned himself a place amongst Hollywood's top secretly gay actors. In fact, rumor has it that top Scientology officials were so impressed with this movie that he's been offered an unprecedented free 6 month trial! And did you know that his last name is the same as a type of petrol or 'gas', and his first name is the same as the abbreviation for vehicle identification number - and that some vehicles, which have identification numbers, run on diesel gas? Freaky. These things don't just happen by accident you know.

Not only has director Jim Fall truly raised the bar for American

films that are based on shows airing during family channel's after

school lineup, but Hilly McDuff has made her mark with a truly

sensational performance reminiscent of a young Burt Reynolds.

She tackles not one, not two, but dual roles without so much as a

hiccup, and she was also smart enough not to fall prey to the

schemes of that greasy Italian slimeball kid singer guy. In a word,

hilly McDuff is totally awesome and talented and spunky and very

smart and nice to orphans not on drugs yet.

Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda

Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please!

Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda

Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please!

Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda

Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please!

Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda

Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please!

Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda

Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please!

Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda

Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please!

Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda

Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please!

Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda

Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please!

Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda

Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Amanda Please! Get

it?

I don't know how come everyone is saying bad things about Gigli,like that it's "bad" or "not good" or "crappy." Gigli is so good. It's the funny, it got the romance, it has the suspense and the drama and also the lesbianism. It is a good movie for kids of all ages and also for people that had monkey brain transplants or even had their brain surgeried by monkey doctors. If Gigli was a salad dressing it would probably be sun-dried tomato, or maybe something with a lot of garlic. You know why? Because Gigli packs a little zing, as they say in the business, and also in high doses Gigli can hurt your mouth or give you halitosis. If Gigli was a sandwich, it would be one of those really rare super awesome sandwiches that make all the other sandwiches you normally eat look like second rate amateur sandwiches, or maybe poo sandwiches. Gigli is a spicy treat, aptly seasoned and cooked to perfection as though television's own Emeril Lagassi whipped up one of his signature dishes and then said "That's a Spicy Meatball!" Except Gigli is no meatball, it's just one heck of motion picture.

I knew when I saw the preview that this movie was about Gay Pirates, but I still thought it might not be as good as if they actually called it Gay Pirates. Then I found out that the movie was originally called Gay Pirates but Disney changed the name because they didn't want to offend gay people or pirates. But oh man were these pirates gay! It should at least be called Pirates of the Gayribbean, then it would be more better.

Jerry O'Connel has definitely reached a new high point in his career. Only his first season of My Secret Identity even compares to this magnificent tour du force. There's also a fat black guy who farts and does lots of dumb stuff. How ironic, seeing as Jerry O'Connel started his career as the "Fat black screw up kid" in Stand By Me. Ah, yes, Stand By Me. I find nothing more soothing than watching a young Will Wheaton stripped to his knickers in an attempt to remove a gigantic leach from his privates. Man that's gotta hurt. But you have to hand it to the little guy, he sure was brave. Especially in the end when he stood up to Kiefer Sutherland. But it's a little unrealistic, don't you think? In real life those four kids would have totally got it on.

I can't believe all you people went to see this movie because you thought it would be good. The best thing about this movie is that it's supposed to be the crappiest thing anyone could imagine.

I like how on one of the posters they have Harry and Lloyd with monkeys. This movie would have been better if they had to drive a truck load of mischievous monkeys across the country and along the way stopped off in Vegas where they lose all their money and have to put on a musical monkey extravaganza to buy back their truck and deliver the monkeys to the slaughterhouse on time. I guess they just didn't have enough monkeys to make it that way.

Man, the Hulk is so cool. He's totally the strongest. He can lift

anything in the world and he doesn't even need to lift weights or do

steroids. My friend told me that at the end of this movie the Hulk

wakes up and it was all a dream but that's not true, it was different.

But hey, it would be kind of cool if Hulk woke up and he actually

lived on a Hulk planet where it was totally normal to be a hulk and

he had a family and had to mow the lawn and stuff. He could work

for a big company and wear a suit and then when they were having

a meeting in the board room hulk could get mad and smash the

table and say "Hulk want boost profits!" or "Inefficiency not

tolerated by Hulk!" My friend told me the Hulk is gay but he's not.

There's a she hulk and they love each other. My friend just said

that cause he likes the Hulk and wants to go steady but the hulk

doesn't want to. Imagine if the Hulk was doing sex to someone?

They'd probably get killed or maybe he'd be really good cause he'd

have a big one. If the Hulk did it when he was the hulk would the

baby be a hulk too? They never addressed these kind of things in

the movie but I expect they left it out on purpose so they'd have

something to put in Hulk Too. I recommend the Hulk movie but

even more I recommend the Hulk cheese slices.

But seriously, this film was a delightful romp I shan't soon forget. It is some of the best indie filmmaking of the 90's, with the exception of the Suburban Hi Life series by Cheol-Mean Wang's contemporary and greatest enemy Rudy Farchione. Unfortunately you can't see the shimmering brilliance that is Suburban Hi Life unless you live in Mr. Farchione's hometown or have been lucky enough to come across one of the limited release VHS Special Editions. I screen it bi-weekly at my house if anyone's interested.

I suppose the comments below contain some sort of spoiler.

All those people who don't like this movie are just racist against

crippled retarded people. Either that or they are very sexually

attracted (or at least curious) about crippled retarded people and

they were disturbed by the almost uncontrollable arousal that

washed over their loins every time that luscious Pumpkin wheeled

his way on screen.

It's about time someone made such a bold film, unafraid to tackle

an important issue and a situation which is becoming more and

more common each year. Those of you that think the mentally

challenged should not be allowed romantic involvement with perky

sorority girls are no better than segregationists. This is America

and we don't tolerate that kind of thinking in some states.

By the way, did anyone else notice that Christina Ricci was very

cold for most of this movie?