patrick-green

Carnosaur is one of those movies that has earned itself a special place in my heart despite being certified schlock. Made by veteran b-movie director and producer Roger Corman, Carnosaur takes place in a small desert town where not everything is as quiet as it seems, ESPECIALLY not down on the local poultry farm, where an insane geneticist named Dr Jane Tiptree is conducting some illegal research involving, you guessed it, dinosaur DNA. All hell breaks loose when one of the unfortunate chickens gives birth to a bloodthirsty baby dinosaur that proceeds to rip and tear its way through the hapless locals, all while a mysterious fever starts spreading...

While definitely not a masterpiece of horror, Carnosaur is still an entertaining movie to watch. With many scenes shot in low light, wether it be in the sinister depths of a biotech lab or in the silent hills of the desert, Carnosaur manages to pull off a delightfully creepy and dark atmosphere interspersed with some bloody (and somewhat goofy) dino attack scenes. The dinos look pretty stiff and rubbery, though definitely not as bad as in the sequels. There's also a few funny bits such as the infamous construction site scene where Dino #1 rips a few limbs off some environmental activists, but not before one bearded and bewildered hippie greets it with a "greetings, green brother!"

All in all, not a bad b-movie.

Sucker Punch takes visual sophistication to its extreme and fails catastrophically. The weak plot is little more than a pretext to shove as many nonsensical CGI action scenes into the movie. One cannot help but think that Sucker Punch is a teenage video game addict's fantasy, with scantily clad women battling extraordinary beasts with big guns and swords.

Sucker Punch's visuals quickly lose their charm too, as the confused spectator will begin to wonder if the onslaught of CGI and cliché action scenes have any actual purpose. To add insult to injury your ears will also be barraged by butchered cover versions of famous songs such as "White Rabbit".

French cinema has the peculiar gift of being able to crank out the most soulless, garbage comedies known to man. Such comedies are so tacky and awful that they even lack the charm of other comedic b-movies, the kind that's "so bad it's good". This film is one of those soulless horrors.

For those who know Jackass, it'll be immediately obvious that this film is shameless rip-off. But where Jackass stunts are real, Michael Youn's displays of dangerous idiocy are completely studio-based and rehearsed. Only the most impressionable of viewers will feel a thrill of excitement and danger while watching Youn's antics, everyone else will simply sigh in exasperation.

The jokes are crass and tasteless. Simple, ugly and vulgar humour that will bring no laughs and no smiles is to be found everywhere in this movie. The movie's "concert" scene will leave viewers shaking their heads in disbelief.

Don't even bother with this film.

The TGTW...TWGTG...Team Whatever guys seem to have enjoyed their little Kickassia stint and have come up with yet another...film? Internet movie? LARP video? I have no idea how to call this, except maybe a fanw**k vid.

In Suburban Knights, Doug Walker reveals his love for playing dress-up as he and his minions embark on a quest to find a magical item (hint: it's the Powerglove, duh). The quest sadly requires the main cast to put ridiculous costumes on and go prancing around suburban back-yards and woods pretending to be a bunch of fantasy heroes. From then on comes a deluge of terrible acting, terrible jokes and terrible gimmicks of the same breed as those that plagued Kickassia.

It comes as no surprise that Suburban Knights quickly begins to look like a clown car stuffed with TGTW's contributors regardless of their actual usefulness (or acting talent). Then again, what did I expect? They're reviewers, they're supposed to review stuff, not star in their own "movies" or whatever that thing's supposed to be.

There is also nothing more depressing than seeing Benett "The Sage" "acting" out his part with the same skill as a rotting vegetable, all while he's wearing an ugly brown thing that looks like a Lion King costume got dynamite stuffed into it.

What lurks in the cellar must stay in the cellar.

I don't like Steampunk. Despite this, Steamboy seemed to be a film that would fly in the face of my dislike of this particular genre. On the cover of the DVD and in the trailers I watched, the animation looked top notch with some brilliant scenes featuring steamboats on the Thames and the Crystal Palace.

However, once I started watching the movie, a problem came up. One of the first scenes in the movie depicts a failing steam machine...but why was it failing? A problem with the pressure? It was all very vague and hard to grasp, and it quickly took away a lot of the plot's appeal. Of course, the animation was great, but in my opinion great animation does not make up for a poor plot with more holes in it than a piece of Swiss cheese. The movie then steadily turned into a confused mish-mash involving a boy genius (whose last name was 'Steam', how imaginative), weird constructions flying in the face of the internal combustion engine and shallow, uninteresting characters who all seemed to have been dragged out of the stereotype bargain bin. Also, the people who made this movie thought it would be clever to insert Stephenson into this mess to make things more interesting.

In the end, the plot proved to be the film's undoing. The entire premise collapsed into boredom, and the pretty animation was lost. All in all, Steamboy is about being pretty, with good animation and plenty of strange Steampunk designs following the rule of aesthetics and the "rule of cool". This again shows some of the flaws of the Steampunk genre and its attachment to purely aesthetic additions of cogs, valves and other contraptions, and the addition of so much stuff that the function of certain objects soon becomes obscured.

I used to enjoy the Nostalgia Critic, back when he was just starting out and all that. But as his site amassed a legion of lackluster and untalented reviewers and hordes of fawning fans, I was left wondering where all the funny had gone. Kickassia is the last thing I watched from That Guy with the Glasses, and with good reason: the "movie" (if you want to call it that) is a monstrous, bloated and desperately unfunny mess.

The "film" has the following premise: the Critic, his ego swelled by the thousands of fans who worship him day and night, suddenly comes upon a micro-nation called Molossia. Hungry for attention, and, apparently, power, the Critic decides to oust the country's leader with a violent and "hilarious" take over with the help of his fellow reviewers. After conquering the damn place, the Critic and his goons set up a government, and promptly fall into infighting and poor acting.

Every joke in this festival of crap feels forced, and is of course not in the least bit funny. And evidently, the ear rape is top-notch, since Kickassia involves levels of screaming, shouting and yelling never before reached by Humanity. The "movie" also features the entire cast (I think? Or rather, do I even care?) of talentless and unfunny reviewers from That Guy With the Glasses. Only the most fanatical of fan boys/girls will actually recognise the more obscure members of the cast, because frankly, only they would care about those annoying, faceless drones. One of the more horrible and recurring "jokes" you will see if you ever watch Kickassia is Spoony's struggle with his "evil self". Spoony is of course, a terrible actor, and his performance reeks of massive egotism.

The Critic is of course present throughout the "movie" and is dressed up as Bison, from the Street Fighter movie. I suppose some would find that costume funny, but the average, sane viewer would only see it as totally ludicrous. Not content with looking like a first grade idiot, the Critic also made Kickassia into a massive and horrible tribute to himself and his site. In fact, Kickassia is nothing more than a tribute to the cast of his site and himself. Evidently, rabid fans will drool and over it, but others...not so much.

Just to underline the sheer money-grabbing monstrosity of Kickassia, the damn thing is now for sale on DVD. Pretty damn pointless when the entire thing was put on line and is viewable for free, or maybe some want to see deleted footage of the Critic making love to himself while his goons look on in wonder and repressed lust? Or maybe they wanted insightful commentary such as "oh look at that, I'm so awesome"? Evidently, screaming hordes of fans probably bought boat loads of the DVD version, thus filling the pockets of the Critic, and possibly his clueless minions.

All in all, Kickassia is a terrible piece of film. The idea is terrible, the acting is annoying, the participants are all annoying, and all in all, Kickassia is bloody annoying. Evidently, if you're a hardcore fan, you're welcome to watch out, otherwise just plain avoid the damn thing unless you enjoy having male genitalia rammed into your ears while having your eyes gouged out with a rusty ice cream scoop.

Razortooth. Another cable movie you'll see late at night, it belongs to that particular kind of species which is only released in video, a video you'll quickly glimpse in the store's bargain bin and then forget for a while before stumbling upon it one night while changing channels.

The film also neatly fits into the set character lists one usually finds in such movies: the stupid, horny teenagers (with one "smart girl" in the lot), a scientist who messed with Mother Nature...yeah, nothing new. The monster is not new either and looks like someone decided to recycle the Anaconda franchise by adding eels to the mix (Eels, eels, anyone know that song?). While this may sound terrible, the film is deliciously funny.

The eel looks permanently annoyed about something. It growls, hisses and roars and chases its prey over land, through trees, water and even bathrooms with what can only be a strong, homicidal hatred for mankind. The thing even stops while chasing its victims and does an odd hissing and shaking of head movement where it looks spectacularly angry (note to self: when a giant eel is angry, you're in for something bad). The fishy beast also appears to be a very flexible animal: it can bite a man in half, but can also attack through tiny pipes. This goes to show the animal is serious business and is not to be trifled with.

Yes. Giant eels are serious business.

The characters are all very boring at the beginning. You have to wait for the parts where everyone gets together to chase the angry eel for the real mayhem to start. Why? This is why.

You have a bunch of angry American gun nuts, one of whom is overweight, has long white hair and an MP5 (ownership of such a gun probably violates several different gun laws). Another notable gun nut is looking for his son and is an ass. No worries though, he is an epic ass, and goes through the film swearing, insulting and manhandling traumatised kids and shooting at things. These gun nuts trudge around the streams and forests looking for the eel and all get massacred save for Angry Father who gets shot with a cyanide dart by Queer Scientist. The aforementioned students are also incredibly inept, with two of the students being fat (guess who natural selection chose for the eel's next dinner!). The scientist is a strange, wimpy fellow who tries to pull off the "tough scientist" role and only succeeds in looking a bit queer. He dies a hilarious, and unconvincing death.

There are also some children who go missing. You shouldn't care about them since they don't get saved. In fact, practically nobody survives the hunt for the eel, which turns out to be insanely hard to kill.

All in all, we can say the true hero of this movie was the eel. This movie is about the eel's quest for revenge upon the human species and how the noble (and insanely angry) beast is vanquished by man's cruelty.

Rest in peace, Angry Eel, you shall never be forgotten.

Spiders, a title that conveys the movie's subject quite well since it is about those small, eight-legged arachnids everyone has already seen in their home or garden. But the spider, for there is only one spider in this film, is not the small, garden variety spider. For one, it is god awfully huge, something that will make any amateur entomologist go into a bout of annoyed tutting (that thing would die of asphyxiation blabla).

But let us not be bothered by the unhappy grumblings of amateur entomologists, ie bug lovers, and look at the spider and the film in which it is set. The film starts out with a bunch of geeky kids whose leader, a young woman whose name I cannot remember, is fascinated by aliens and conspiracy theories. The girl does an interview with someone who claims to be an alien, and who is the object of a lot of painful, unfunny comedy such as drinking condensed milk(get it? condensed milk is for coffee! Haha...ha...what).

After this delightful episode, the gang travels to an old base in the desert where they witness the rather fake and unimpressive crash of a space shuttle...which was, unfortunately for everyone, the space borne center of a strange experiment involving a live tarantula and the injection of alien DNA into said tarantula. Why they didn't choose a mouse or a rat like normal scientists would is uncertain, although a film about a giant man-eating mouse might not have the same appeal as a giant arachnid on alien steroids.

The men in black or CIA agents or whoever they are promptly arrive to mop up this atrocious mess and retrieve the spider, but the poor creature is ungraciously stepped on by one of the tuxedo'd, sunglass-wearing government agents. Much to the chagrin of their leader (maybe he was an entomologist?).

But fear not, for the spider laid an egg in the entrails of an unfortunate astronaut who survived the crash, and the arachnid's ugly, fat, rubberized prop of an offspring is subsequently vomited out by the unfortunate rocket man and escapes into the sinister realm of a top secret underground base.

What can we say? For one, the spider is atrocious and looks like one of those cheap toys you'd find in the bottom racks of the toy section of your local supermarket. The eight-legged beast is pictured using cheap, stiff puppets and some ugly CGI effects that would make even the old Atari console's graphics look like a masterpiece. There are no animatronics in this film, do not be fooled, you'll just see a stiff rubber spider being pushed against/thrown at people.

The actors are also horrible, with acting talents ranging from rubber duck level to sock puppet level. The main human antagonist, who looks a lot like a botched Mr Smith clone, is good for a few "what" moments as he passionately defends the ugly spider with a lot of laughable over-acting and fugly world conquest delusions. The leading actress is also risible, and falls in love with a man in black after a quick session of water-wrestling (I'm not joking).

All in all, the film is pathetic. Monster Flick lovers might recognise a kind of 1950s monster movie atmosphere to the whole enterprise. In fact, the movie should be viewed as a light comedy to watch with friends and a copious supply of alcohol.

I never really thought about watching this film. I kept seeing it perched on the horror movie shelf in my local video rental shop and never thought much about it. Just your run of the mill, bland zombie flick with a bit of gore and a sex scene. Nothing special, might as well watch Python...oh no wait, that's a terrible film.

I only decided to watch it when some of my friends saw it on TV and said it was an awful piece of trash. So, I decided to verify these tales, and only then did I realise how terrible the film hiding behind the bland and uninteresting DVD box cover was.

Not that the idea is bad in itself. A plane is a confined area, and would be a real death trap for the people on board should zombies make their appearance...a good premise for a zombie film. But this film took a good setting and crapped all over it with poor acting, unsteady camera work, annoying characters and a terrible score.

The characters all have different levels of hatefulness. There are two young couples who are basically friends going on a vacation in France. One couple is composed of a jock and his annoying bitchy girlfriend who is having an affair with Mr Jock's best friend, who came along with his girlfriend who is a blonde psycho. There is also a policeman escorting a con-man (an effeminate and highly annoying con-man). The policeman is probably one of the least irritating characters of the lot. Then there is a bunch of air hostesses who mostly end up as zombie chow...no I didn't watch the whole film, it was just too painful an experience to carry through, almost as bad as watching Cannibal Holocaust. Oh and there's also a golfer on holiday with his wife, some strange air marshal who really does not appear to be important until he's summoned to help deal with the zombie escapees, a trio of scientists who all fall victim to the undead and a couple of pilots. The camera work is often shaky, and although many people don't seem to mind, it can really get on your nerves after a while, like having a small fly buzz constantly around your head. It's small but it's there and it's annoying.

The adulterous couple are genuinely annoying. All they do is have sex in the plane's toilets while their spouses aren't looking...in fact all the young adults in this film are insanely annoying. They whine, bitch, argue and have some of the most inane and mind-buggeringly boring dialogue in the movie...yes, it makes you glad to see them die.

The score is atrocious. It is so generic and uninspired it kills any kind of suspense a scene could have generated and replaces it with the feeling that someone is scraping a blackboard with their nails and laughing at you. In fact, it sounds like the score from...Python! That film will never stop haunting me.

There is also a character that the film makers seemed incredibly intent on having in as many shots as possible. A nun, sitting near the young adults and clutching her Bible who is included in so many shots you start to wonder if she plays any major part in the film...but no she doesn't, so why have her in so many scenes? Was it because the film's creator's original project was a nun porn flick? Nobody will ever know.

The zombies look pretty good. Their makeup is good and they are probably far better actors than the living characters, they are far more convincing and likable! The guard responsible for keeping an eye on the scientist's illegal cargo was quite funny. A large crate appears to fall on him, and the camera briefly shows the audience that his leg has been pierced with some kind of sharp object...yet he doesn't scream, wince or moan in pain. He just grunts and squirms in an attempt to get the thing out of his leg...in fact he sounds more like an overweight man trying to scratch his back than a man in pain.

Ah well, all in all I give it 1 for the interesting setting and 1 for the zombies.

Watch this movie only if you like young adults bickering and throwing things at each other, and sadly, there really isn't anything funny about the whole thing so watching for a laugh would probably fail, unless you're high on some kind of psychoactive drug.

I remember seeing this at my video rental shop and feeling a small spark of joy in my heart. A parody of Kill Bill? Brilliant! I love parodies!

And so I rented it, expecting a lot...maybe too much.

The beginning of the film made me laugh. The parody of the wedding massacre with all the body outlines on the floor, including a reindeer was very good, but when the actors came in everything went to hell.

The acting is bad, terminally bad. The main actors expression does not change once throughout the whole bloody film!! In fact the whole acting part reminded me of some cheap, unenthusiastic college joke film. The film has funny jokes in it, but it has a nice truckload of poor and frankly disgusting ones to shove the good ones out of the audience's mind. Most of those bad jokes involve coprophilia, bestiality (oh yes there is some in there), scatological humour and tired and overused jokes (the "I am your father" one is spectacularly painful to watch). The dubbing was horrendous and clashed with the poor acting. The Englisg voice acting was very over-dramatic compared to the wooden, never- changing expressions of the actors...if zombies were picked to play human characters this film would be the result.

There is also a long running obsession with homosexual rape, bestiality and coprophilia in this movie, why? I don't know, I suppose they just thought that a fat cross-dressing Madame Irma type character crapping in a bowl was hilarious so they included it. Also, racist attitudes towards Laps apparently stem from homosexual rape by burly Scandinavian lumberjacks...what were they thinking?

The final scenes of the film really show that the people making it just gave up. The sword fight with Buljo is ridiculous, with the two fighters randomly and softly clashing their katanas together...and then there's the "I am your father joke". WHY?!

When the reason why the evil gang of cattle rustlers (?) or whatever they are reveal why they tried to kill the main character you will have a good laugh as it is pretty funny...but then your mirth will be snatched away by the clumsy and painfully unfunny fighting scenes...oh, and the Star Wars joke too, did I mention that?

And finally, the evil Buljo is killed and you are treated to some premium quality arse-groping...so funny.

All in all this film has funny aspects to it, but the sheer randomness and disgusting humour just spoils it completely and seems to show a lack of effort from the creators. If you like watching films with insanely stupid and disgusting random humour or just like low budget films, go ahead and rent it, there is worse stuff out there...but I recommend you get yourself some beer to go with it.

Can bad movies ever get any worse? Maybe. But for the moment, Snakeman beats everything in its shear awfulness. The snake is just SO fake, even the one in Python would choke on its own tongue. The actors are bad, they couldn't act if there lives depended on it, even if they sold their souls to Sponge Bob Squarepants first. I don't understand why the many-headed snake is actually a good creature, it seems to enjoy tearing and ripping and killing people in various and imaginative ways, yet it gives the Mysterious Indian Tribe that Stinks its great gift of eternal youth... This mystifies me. The teams that are sent to the rather fake looking jungle seem to be well equipped with big and savage-looking automatic rifles, large vicious snakes are probably commonplace in the jungle... Not a good film, if it appears on your TV, switch the channel or it will take a little bite out of your intellect.

Arg. The shuffling dinosaurs are back to take another bite out of our sanity in this all-awful third film. This time, European terrorists(Irish I'd say) hi-jack an army convoy supposed to be transporting uranium. They pull into a shipyard, open the truck and discover our old friends the carnosaurs. Pandemonium comes visiting then when the rubber dinos chomp the terrorists, the cops and some marines. The whole film seems to be (again) largely inspired from Alien(as Carnosaur 2 was) with the pathetic marines going through the "claustrophobic" shipyard? guns at the ready. This third opus is probably the driest and ungoriest film of the lot, with only one spurt of blood when a rubber dino rips a marine's head off. The dinos are stiff, shuffling creatures as usual and the T-Rex sounds like an enraged elephant when it roars(it also appears to have no eyes). One of the goofiest scenes of the film is when the coppers arrive on the scene: they enter the building where the hijacked truck is kept and hear some weird noise coming from another truck. On opening it, surprise! The Rubber Reptile Gang burst out and devour them. Why were the dinos locked up in the second truck after escaping from the first? How did they get locked in as the truck door could only be locked from the outside? What was the point of filming this scene???? Oh bother, who cares? Both thumbs down for the Over-sized Rubber Iguanas.

Yeahy, well. The french people expected so much of it and it was very disappointing. It is a very overrated film: the critics claimed it "gave a welcome surge of energy to a tired french film industry", well, the french film industry must be knackered to claim that Sheitan was an epic film. The plot of the film is confusing and pointless: a bunch of clueless youngsters escape from a disco and go off to the countryside(?)to spend the weekend there or something(I'm not sure why they went to some lost part of the french countryside after coming out of a disco so I'm making theories)there they meet with an inbred prehistoric man farmer thing that grins a lot and a community of inbred, decadent country dwellers who look like they were beaten up with anvils. The youngsters then hole up in a luxurious(and rather mouldy) château with a freaky collection of dolls in one room. The plot then degenerates into chaos and oblivion as the young 'uns clash with the local community and their devil-worshipping farmer friend. The film does manage to be pretty funny at times with a hilarious rap clip(look for it if you happen to watch the film). Things I learned from this movie: Party-crashing youngsters often escape to the countryside to sober up after a night at the disco. Inbred, decadent farmers possess the same strength as the Incredible Hulk. Devil-worshipping is a common practice in backward villages. Dogs will come back to life after having their intestines ripped out. Unfinished dolls are very scary. Inbred, monstrous farmers are as hard to kill as a cockroach and can survive being run over by a car with only minor injuries. Pursuing a couple of inbred deformed country adolescents on a moped is not advisable.

This film is indescribable. A fisherman with matrix moves, assisted by a completely hysterical pair of cops, the town prom queen, a pregnant woman and her boyfriend tackles zombies in a small outback town in Australia. The most hilarious parts of the movie are the (many) battles with advancing hordes of undead. Bullets wizz in every direction destroying half the scenery and occasionally hitting a zombie, yet the characters still manage to massacre their living-dead foes. The crazed cop has one of the richest array of swear words I have ever seen. Things I learned from this movie: -Zombies make squealing, grunting pig sounds. They can also roar and growl. -The most effective way to defeat a horde of undead is to fire in every direction and scream wildly. -Fishermen always carry a handgun around with their fishing tackle to blast zombie fish to kingdom come.

Stuart Little is back in an all awful sequel and this time he's a boy scout. It's funny how nature is seen in this movie as a playground meant to be tame and fun for city people with no idea of how to distinguish a pine tree from a mushroom. The cougar portrays of course the forces of evil who must be tracked down and vanquished by a goody-goody lab rat and a cat who acts more like an overgrown guinea-pig than a cat. The parents are as usual a goofy, happy pair with the father who sees vicious, vampire skunks and rabid chipmunks behind every single slimy toadstool and the mother who smiles and cleans up the mess without complaining.

A complete and utter piece of boring, moralistic tripe. Stuart Little: the series is simply about the Littles living as a united, happy, consumerist family and having incredibly boring adventures such as skateboarding and such. Stuart Little acts a bit like a psycho in this series with strange, perverted smiles and a scary little laugh. The parents are the blandest couple one could get always saying stupid little things about "what are the boys up to" or comforting their depressive spectacled garden dwarf of a son or their psychotic lab rat with things like:"Awwww, don't worry we'll fix it". In the end you wish you had a sledgehammer to smash their pathetic heads in and put them out of their misery.

Stuart Little 1 was a fun movie,even though there was a bit of sentimental rubbish at times. But Stuart Little 2 was almost nothing like the first film. It was not as funny, there was enough sentimental trash to choke a small horse and there were just too many American values in it. The bird friend was just ridiculous and made you want to chuck your birdwatching binoculars away and buy a shotgun. Snowbell the cat was probably supposed to be the comic relief amidst all the sentimental mayhem but was a massive failure. The falcon just went into the same category as the friendly undersized budgie: shotgun fodder. I felt sorry for my little brother who had to go through this rather unenjoyable pastiche. Things I learned from this movie: -Falcons are nasty, vicious, bloodthirsty pickpockets -cats are afraid of having their house burgled by strange, undersized budgies -Sentimentality in films is like syrup. Thick and sticky -little spectacled brats(eg George Little)belong to some strange subspecies of overgrown garden gnomes with an affection for lab rats (eg Stuart Little).

3 words:a stupid movie. Yes. Yet another dumb movie from Hollywood. They seem to have discovered a new formula for action movies:truckload of ridiculously expensive cars+hot women(nice)+stupid "cool" pair of men(black and white)+stupid "cool" baddie+tons of AWFUL rap music=action movie worth a lot of dough. Where is the film industry heading to? Maybe in five years time films will consist only of people killing each other in incredible ways and driving fast cars without any intelligent dialog. Things I learned from this movie: -Fast car races are VERY BORING after 5 minutes of them -rap music acts as a kind of extra flavouring(not a good one) -Main characters HAVE to act "cool" throughout the film.

Once again, an awful sequel to two brilliant films. I did not laugh once throughout the movie, the funny stuff consisted entirely of people arguing, shouting, being hateful, being capitalist pigs with stupid, ugly dogs et voilà!!!!! Christian Clavier was pathetic in this one, he seems to have lost all of his comic talent since Les Visiteurs so he does not manage to pull the movie out of the Abyss of Desperate Horrible Films(where this whole piece of Camembert cheese belongs). Et bien voilà mes amis, this is a horrible film, do not watch it. Things I learned From this Movie: Plums have medicinal values, yet do not cure cheesiness in a movie.

Capitalist German hags are sadistic, cruel and brutal to their pets.

Gérard Jugnot loathes gay men and occasionally Josiane Balasco.

There was a movie. With a lighthouse. A serial killer is loose and the audience is agonising, and not because the film is terrifying. The film is terrifyingly bad with awful characters, awful acting and an awful end. The serial killer was the ugliest bastard I'd ever seen, and he does not utter a word throughout the movie!!!!The whole film has a strange surrealistic atmosphere, as if the actors had been teleported into a parallel bad movie dimension. The "traumatic scenes" of the movie were more like comedy than anything else, like some awesomely bad joke told by my sister. By watching this movie I experienced no feeling of being entertained at all, it is definitely good for the trashcan.

Beware, for there be spoilers

Aye, I reviewed this movie once, but I had the misfortune of stumbling upon this godforsaken piece of crap on TV one night and, in a sudden impulse of masochistic behaviour, decided to watch it(again). The film is still horrendous, why? Because it contains so much screaming. Why do the characters in Chicken Little scream so much? Did the people who made this film think that maximum auditory stimulation would please the audience and make them laugh? Did they decide to make the characters run around and scream as much as possible to make the audience forget about the terrible plot? Nobody knows. The film's humour consists mostly of grotesque pantomimes, arguing and of course, screaming. The film's creators obviously placed a lot of their hopes in the fish character (whatever his name was), who is a never ending source of painful pseudo-comical pantomimes, one particularly (and painfully) memorable one being the unsubtle reference to King Kong.

If you found the fish particularly hard to appreciate, don't worry, the film's creator's gave us a whole load of deliciously entertaining, lovable characters. One is a pig, who is massively (massively being somewhat inaccurate, the porcine menace's bulk would have made any old Blue Whale look anorexic). He is also a coward and happens to be in love with a fox character, who unfortunately for him is his group's nemesis. There is also an ugly duck (get the reference? Cheap wasn't it?)who is the nerd of the group. No, there is nothing else to say about her. Then there's Chicken Little who has problems with his father and a very strident voice (insert puberty joke here).

This lovable, zany bunch of totally original characters stumble around life getting bullied by the others at school, shouting, singing and making grotesque pantomimes. One main theme being Chicken Little's small size and difficult relation with his father, which leads to some particularly enjoyable argument scenes (yes, there is screaming involved). One day, a chunk of the sky falls on Chicken Little (but not with enough force to break every bone in his body and ending his noisy, worthless life). Our main protagonist then tries to warn the townsfolk of the impending danger...but surprise of all surprises, nobody believes him, for it seems the lovable little bundle of feathers has a history of crying wolf and causing massive destruction, terror and screaming in the process (the screaming being a key part). Saddened, our main protagonist whines a bit...and...I can't remember this part, I stopped watching.

Nevertheless, it turns out some alien creature who is in fact the child of a worried couple of extraterrestrial life forms is stranded on Earth, and its parents are willing to kidnap and brainwash everyone in our hero's miserable home town to get their hell spawn back...a particularly memorable scene involves the alien's parents pursuing Chicken Little and his friends and openly try to hack them to pieces. Finally, Little hands the alien kid thing back to its parents and saves the world. He is hailed as a hero and his fat pig buddy gets to score with the fox bully who suffered (conveniently) irreparable brain damage after being zapped by the aliens. Finally, the credits roll and we are treated to a charming display of family friendly comedy with the pig and the fox singing "don't go breaking my heart"...all is well that ends well.

So, what can we say on this Pixar master piece? Chicken Little's tag line "the end is near" is quite accurate considering how awful the film is. The writing is horrendous and the humour is desperately unfunny, not to mention the constant ear sodomy the characters put the viewer through.

All in all do not see this terrible film, save your poor ears from destruction.

I HATE THIS MOVIE!!!!!! I have never seen such utter, complete trash in my life!!! I live in France so it turned out that I was in the front line to watch this awful movie. At first, it seemed cool, kind of like something about a cursed forest that chomps people. Unfortunately, it turned out it was something QUITE different: a good start with a girl that meets a guy and all that whatnot, then the girl gets threatening messages in the form of ravens shut up in her bathroom closet(ludicrous), from that bit and on, the movie starts to slide downhill very quickly with a lot of desperate thrashing in the process. The movie ends with sacrificial druids galore and ancient ugly, stinky creatures coming back from the past to kill a few people. Many questions were rushing around my head by then: why the heck did they bring back that scummy monster? Do druids look like maniacs dressed in bedsheets? Why did they even bother making this movie?? The "climax" of the movie was so goofy I laughed all the way through it: the "awful" stinky monster does battle with the two young women(who appear to be expert kung fu masters) and the professor gets sliced in two or something. What surprised me was that the monster was so slow and ungainly in battle, wasn't it supposed to be a god of war or something? Anyway, the movie in it's death throws was a pitiful sight. A brief condensation of the contents of this movie: Kung fu mayhem+druid stones+mysterious murders "à la thriller"+ancient prophecies+shabby ravens+old clumsy boneless war god+nutty professor=complete and utter, diseased, boneless, worm eaten, GODFORSAKEN, GODDAM, RECYCLED, FAKE, WANNABE, LUDICROUS SH*T!!!!!!!!! Things I learned from this movie: -Ancient war gods are lousy at kung fu. -All young women who study archeology at university in France are kung fu experts. -Professors are so resistant they can survive being sliced in two by a saw-mass-whatchamacallit without any injuries.

This movie I enjoyed!! I expected a let-down from the start but it turned out to have a lot of potential. The plot was a classic imitational déja-vu thing but the way it developed was cool in a way. The actors were ludicrous, boneless, talentless bits of wannabe recycled litter but they made you happy when they got chomped, and the bit where that loose girl Sunny gets her injured foot stuck in a tangle of roots and ends up as croc chow was nicely cruel. The croc really did look like a fake pathetic turkey when it was in CGI but it looked awesome in animatronics!! And there is a cool chomp scene where that drunk guy whatsisname gets eaten of a dock whilst puking! State of the art creature-feature chomping I say!! Things I learned from this movie: -Whopping enormous crocs are vandals and enjoy tearing apart boats. -Whopping enormous crocs also enjoy tearing apart the owners of the aforementioned boats. -An old blunderbuss is a favourite weapon of crazy teen-chomping croc hunters.

I happened to watch this film by accident with my younger brother one night whilst babysitting him. It turned out to be a crappy recycled version of Finding Nemo, which is a marvelous animation movie compared to this filth. The film is basically a propaganda movie for Rap and R n'B and all that whatnot. Those who made the movie probably thought hey! Lets dump some elements from Good Fellas and the Godfather in a mixer and then add some stuff from Finding Nemo and Shrek with some scummy music and press the button see what happens! Well, that idea sure has damaged some brains out there because people ENJOYED this piece of sh*t. Things I learned from this Movie: -Sharks are Mafiosos. -Slimy rock pool fish enjoy rap crap and all that sh**e. -Animated movies with fish in them have to encourage young brats to vandalise walls. -Renée Zellweger signed YET ANOTHER pact with the devil. -I hate Angelina Jolie for giving her voice to one of the characters in this chunk of diseased trash.

This movie was only vaguely entertaining. I thought it looked like a cool movie, but I was in for a very nasty surprise. The plot had potential at first, but when the film started running it started going down, down to the point where one does not care anymore. The plot had slowed down to less than a crawl by the time they killed the monster. The monster was original I have to admit, a bunch of man-eating ants that needed the bones of their victims to move around was okay. The actors, on the other hand, were boring beyond imagining. The "cute bimbo" of the film looked a lot like a Neanderthal ape and the other actors were annoying, especially King Kong Karl as I came to call him, because of his rash, stupid actions. Another annoying character in the film was Judgement Day Magda, a complete and utter religious fanatic, she ends up as ant chow fortunately. King Kong Karl playing intrepid detective was the most pathetic part of the film. The film includes a lot of trekking through grandiose arid scenery, so much of it you end up thinking this is a National Geographic documentary. Things I learned from this movie: -The local Namib Desert folk make ugly, cheap-looking talismans to ward off man-eating ants. -Truck drivers are all religious fanatics. -A man-eating ant colony looks always surprisingly empty of ants.