audby

I have to admit to having moderately entertained by the original Space Chimps, which had at least some degree of creativity to it. This one... not so much. The sequel feels like someone threw Space Chimps 1 and a dozen After-School Specials into a blender, hit "frappe", and poured it out into theaters to capture as much parental cash as possible before word of the film's painful glurge stopped ticket sales entirely.

The plot of the film is the same hackneyed, overdone "Little People Are Important Too" dreck that has slopped lazily out of our televisions for ages. Replace "Little" with "Nerdy" and "People" with "Chimps" and you have the formula for Space Chimps 2. The opening montage entirely sets the tone for the film, with the "diamond in the rough" Tech Support Chimp pining for his shot at glory. He is apparently having a long-distance affair with the all-head-but-no-brain alien Kilowatt while yearning to learn to be shot out of a cannon by Ham -- the only point of this second part being to establish that everyone ignores and/or takes for granted Nerdy Chimp.

SC2 is director John H. Williams' first, and so far only, stint as a director. Hopefully he learned something from this endeavor, whether that be to do it better next time or not to do it at all. The pacing of the film is worse than most amateur shorts you can find on YouTube, with character speech poorly timed and inexplicable events taking place at inexcusable times. There is, for instance, this Avatar-esque sequence of Kilowatt and Nerdy Chimp (okay, he has a name - "Comet") flying around on giant pink manta-rays. In fact, Comet's entire visit to the alien planet is reminiscent of a trip to a McDonald's Playland, only with flying manta-rays. He does nothing of significance while on the alien world, is there for all of ten minutes, at the most, and then flies back to Earth again. The movie would have lost nothing without it.

The same goes for old jokes rehashed for the sake of rehashing them. The Indian scientist's dance routine was set to music that was thoroughly flat and uninspiring (no comparison to the techno-classic "Axel F") and included way too many pelvic thrusts and booty-shaking for a film that appears to have been targeted at 5-year-olds.

Other reviewers' comments about the CGI in the film are spot-on, as well. The alien landscape is flat and lifeless, with the grass looking exactly like Astroturf. The characters' movements are jerky at times; one sequence reminded me almost of the original "The Sims" computer game. The disparity between this film and its predecessor is especially apparent when sequences from the original are mixed in via montage.

Sadly, the wretched dialogue and bad timing does a real injustice to the talents of Patrick Warburton, Stanley Tucci, and the other voice performers in the cast. Veteran actress Laura Bailey was tapped to replace Kristin Chenoweth as the voice of Kilowatt, and while Kristin Chenoweth would be hard for anyone to replace, it's even worse that the script and director has Ms. Bailey spending half her air-time shrieking or making "motor boat" sounds with her lips. Andy Samberg did not come back to reprise his role as Ham, and the difference is sorely felt.

Ultimately, though, the poor quality of the script is what sinks the film. Stanley Tucci's Senator character meets the three scientists in Mission Control to talk about... a doomsday weapon disguised as a Wii remote he has apparently paid them to develop under the table. Did you see that one coming? No? Probably because it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, as does the Senator talking about disintegrating whole countries or half the US Senate. Is he suddenly the bad guy now? What about Zartog, whose "striking back" appears to consist of sneaking around behind skinny trees (another joke done to death ages ago) and gabbing at people while holding a killer Wii remote? Is it wrong that my 10-year-old and I laughed when he disintegrated the Senator? It probably is, and yet, in this film, nothing is so wrong as the act of having to actually watch it.

In the final insult, Comet manages to turn the Wii remote into an Einsteinian particle-disintegrator-turned-time-travel-device in the space of, oh, five seconds (I'm not kidding -- it literally takes him only five seconds to do this) and un-disintegrates all the people we like in the film.

This is one film that Statler and Waldorf would have walked out of. If you are smart, you would avoid renting or watching it all costs, to include chewing off your own arm in order to escape your significant other's grasp as you wait to check out of your local Blockbuster with this travesty in your possession.

This is easily the worst film ever written, proving that good actors, a great director, and a decent score can't cover up a truly pathetic script. The plot of the film is a poorly disguised redux of "The Lord of the Rings" -- Dark Lords, innocent heros, mystical powers bound up in unlikely objects -- and could not possibly have been conceived by anyone over the age of six.

In fact, judging by the excruciatingly painful dialogue, a six-year-old may indeed have written the script. The only reason my wife and I continued to watch was because of the macabre curiosity that grips anyone watching a disaster, and watching this film was about akin to watching a slow train wreck, surgery gone wrong, Adam and Eve eating the Fruit, or the slow plummet of a crippled airliner. It was that bad.

This film is worse than most which have gained infamy -- think of "Ice Pirates" or "Mac and Me", but then think of having your nails pulled out while watching them. It's on that level. The opening scroll gives you a clue as to just how painful the film will be, and it just gets worse when people actually appear on the screen. Without a doubt, this film had a bright future behind it.

However, for those who loved "Plan Nine From Outer Space", "Mars Attacks!", and "The Scorpion King", this movie might just provide you with a moment of distraction. For anyone seeking a top-notch fantasy film, go rent "Conan the Barbarian" or "Lord of the Rings"; you could even get a better viewing experience out of "Krull", "DragonSlayer", and "Dungeons and Dragons". As for "Legend", the only thing legendary about it is the amount of money and celluloid they wasted making it.

I admit, I'm a fan of The Rock, and that's why I went to see "The Scorpion King." I know now that I should have gone to the matinee showing. No, better yet, I should have stayed home and given myself a root canal with my Makita cordless.

I had the feeling from the trailer that the film was going to be a campy, B-grade romp, and I love B-grade flicks -- my VHS cabinet at home is blessed with titles such as "Wing Commander," "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes," "Krull," and "The Fifth Element." However, the plot in Scorpion King was so thin, the dialogue so shallow, and the acting (and directing) were so poor, that even I found the movie to be objectionable. Only the addition of fire ants to my movie theater seat could have made me hate that experience more.

The film has been aimed squarely at the 11-year-old boys of our nation. Anyone younger than that shouldn't be exposed to the (bloodless) violence, and anyone older than that will hate the empty dialogue and putrid script. The entire movie is one long string of PlayStation-esque fight scenes sewn together with an extremely feeble thread (which the writers, in their best attempt at humor, call a "storyline") that does not do justice to the reasonably well put together movies also in this franchise ("The Mummy" and "The Mummy Returns"). The Rock, who does honestly have some acting ability, tries hard to keep the film engaging, but the vapid performances of those around him remind me of the barrel full of discarded toy parts in "Toy Story 2" as they reach up and drag Woody down into oblivion.

I understand now why the trailer for this movie was set to the theme music from "Conan the Barbarian" -- this movies wants desperately to be a classic fantasy film just as that one was. Take my advice: Take the $8.50 you'll shell out on "The Scorpion King" and use it to rent "Conan the Barbarian," "Gladiator," and one of those movies from the adult section (since you'll be missing all the bikini-clad women hanging around in The Rock's world). Then go home and enjoy some true Hollywood entertainment.

Along with Robotech, this series was one of those that shaped my childhood (I know, pathetic). Incorporating a love interest, David-vs.-Goliath theme, and some of the best in Japanese animation, this series is one that any adult could easily love as much as any child.

Some of the little touches that make this game so great are the kitschy references to current pop culture. The opening sequence resembles a 50's bomb-shelter public service film, while all the interfaces have the old-style push buttons and heavily-riveted construction common to Korean War era military equipment.

During game play, look for some of the computers to randomly display messages such as "just what do you think you're doing, Dave?" (2001) and "you now have 30 seconds to reach minimum safe distance" (Aliens), and so forth.

If you like your combat a little grittier than in Baldur's Gate and other CRPG's, set the gore filter (the game is designed to be played by most age levels) to maximum and enjoy the carnage. Or, you may be more involved by the puzzle-solving aspects of some of the missions, such as solving a murder or repairing a nuclear reactor.

This game feeds both the hack-and-slash and intellectual needs of today's computer role-player.