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A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby U/G (2019) Netflix

Here it is! For Christmas Crapola lovers, this is the big one. Forget The Rise of Skywalker this Christmas; the conclusion of the 'A Christmas Prince Trilogy' TM is the one we've all been waiting for.

For the uninitiated, the previous two films told the story of how the Prince/King of fictional Aldovia meets and marries a girl from New York. Obviously, Richard has now knocked up Amber and this one's about the birth of their baby, though the narrative is actually more based around the signing of an ancient treaty with a country that is supposed to be in Europe but seems to be a fictional version of China. There's also a 'curse on the baby' subplot that adds a little creepiness towards the end as it all goes a bit Agatha Christie.

The 'Christmas Prince's great strength is, like The Knight Before Christmas, it spends a decent budget on a great Christmas backdrop. It never misses the opportunity to throw in a Christmas Carol and the decorations are fabulously over the top.

Christmas Cheese Rating: 10/10 A Christmas tree in every room in the palace, minimum.

Snow Rating: 9/10 It starts off with unmistakable 'fire extinguisher in summer' work, which is very disappointing for this franchise. However, normal service is quickly resumed and they still do proper filming on location in Romania. Stellar work.

Actually Any Good Rating: 9/10 As Christmas Crapola goes, the A Christmas Prince Trilogy is the franchise to beat.

The Knight Before Christmas (2019) 12 Netflix

OK, Christmas Crapola fans, what is it that elevates the good cheesy Christmas movies from just plain old crapola? The Knight Before Christmas provides us with the simple answer. It's acting. In terms of content and narrative, this Christmas film is no better than the likes of Santa Girl, but it is so much better. A knight from 14th century Norwich, England, time (and distance) travels to 21st Century Ohio, USA to fulfil his quest, with predictable consequences. That's it. However, producer Vanessa Hudgens uses a decent budget well, providing a lovely festive backdrop, an entertaining script and, crucially, actors that aren't embarrassingly bad. You've got Hudgens herself (her off of High School Musical) who has previous for elevating Netflix Christmas Crapola having done it in last year's The Princess Switch, and Josh Whitehouse from Poldark. Both can actually act and have plenty of that elusive, crucial quality needed in a Christmas film: charm. Seriously, how difficult is is for casting directors to find actors that can, you know, act? It makes ALL the difference.

Other plusses: The Englishisms (pronouncing Norwich correctly, saying Father Christmas and 'Happy Christmas') show that someone had a clue and an eye on the details, Vanessa Hudgens splashed a fair chunk of her budget on her wardrobe which will be of interest to some, and we have a handsome cast.

In a nutshell, The Knight Before Christmas is top notch Christmas Crapola.

Christmas Cheese Rating: 10/10 Not a single opportunity to display Christmas lights, trees, wreaths, jumpers, baubles, candles, ribbons, wrapping, hot chocolate in red mugs, holly, etc. is wasted. The fairy lights budget must have been astronomical. Excellent work.

Snow Rating: 8/10 Lots of snow, and it mostly looks legit, but there's the odd scene that close inspection shows they were filming out of season and someone had to get handy with the fire extinguisher. But mostly it looks good.

Actually Any Good Rating: Always remember that this mark is not given by measuring it against The Godfather and Schindler's List, but by comparing it to other Christmas Crapola. Which means The Knight Before Christmas is comfortably 10/10.

Klaus (2019) PG Netflix

A big budget splurge from Netflix, though I'm sure they're hoping that it will be a festive favourite that viewers will return to, year after year, to justify their investment.

Klaus tells the story of an heir called Jesper who is banished to a remote northern island to prove his worth by setting up a successful post office (it makes a bit more sense in the film). As he tries to meet the challenge so he can escape, along with a kind, old, bearded local woodcarver called Klaus, he accidentally establishes all the legends of Santa Claus. It does this quite well but, damn, it takes its sweet time to get there. It's halfway through before you sense how the film has anything to do with Christmas, and it's over an hour before the C word is mentioned.

Despite being animated, I'm not really sure it will work for younger children. My daughter Libby sat in the room while we watched, but focused on her iPad the whole time. There's some lovely animation, but it needs to be funnier and the first half draaaags...

Christmas Cheese Rating: 7/10 - Eventually, we get some Christmas imagery, but it mostly avoids the cheese.

Snow Rating: 10/10 - It's set in the far north and relies on snow to remind you it's supposed to be a festive film.

Actually Any Good Rating: 7/10 - It is good; once it gets going.

Let It Snow (2019) 12 Netflix

If you're familiar with what people call YA (Young Adult) literature and movies (think The Fault In Our Stars, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, etc), then you'll know what to expect from Let It Snow, although, being a Christmas film, it skips most of the darkness you might usually get in a YA movie and avoids a downer ending.

The story is set in Anytown, USA on Christmas Eve, and tells the slightly angsty story of a few older teenagers played by a good young cast. No household names, but actors you might recognise; the funny, fat kid off the new Spider-Man films, the new Sabrina, and a wacky cameo from Joan Cusack.

It's a bit of a poor man's Breakfast Club, so it can't help having a very 'British' soundtrack (steer clear if you don't like 'The Whole of the Moon'), but it has some quirky, sassy characters and snappy dialogue.

Christmas Cheese Rating: 5/10. It's low on lactose for a Christmas movie, but it's got a lot of festive imagery woven through the story.

Snow Rating: 10/10. Every. Single. Scene.

Actually Any Good Rating: 7/10. It's lightweight YA stuff, but it's actually pretty decent. If you're not a YA, watch it with the YA in your life.

Christmas Break-In (2019) U Netflix

Oh wow. Boy, oh boy, oh boy. When I coined the term 'Christmas Crapola Movie' it was meant to mean festive films that were lame but, hopefully, enjoyably so. There is nothing enjoyable about this pile of poopola.

Christmas Break-In is a desperately poor man's Home Alone, right down to:

The plot (A kid is left in a school on their own and has to defend it from baddie thieves) The baddies being called 'The Ice Cream Truck Bandits' The parents realising they've forgotten their kid and yelling in unison 'We did it again!' The kid running screaming down the corridors yelling as they go nuts when they realise they're on their own The kid setting home made traps to catch the baddies A 'traps being prepared by the kid' montage Befriending a lonely old man at the denouement

Despite its lack of originality, Christmas Break-In could have been fun knockabout nonsense. It isn't. It's horrifically poor on every level. The biggest question is, despite the presence of actual actors you've heard of (Danny Glover and Denise Richards): WHY CAN NO ONE IN THIS FILM ACT? AT ALL? IT'S YOUR JOB, DAMMIT!

Christmas Cheese Rating: 6/10. They've made a token attempt with the decor and odd bits here and there, but it doesn't even feel very Christmassy.

Snow Rating: 9/10. The backdrop is a big winter storm blowing in, so they've gone somewhere snowy to actually film this. No scenes where you can tell they've just sprayed a fire extinguisher around, thankfully.

Actually Any Good Rating: 3/10. This is just embarrassingly bad. I only watched it to the end so I could tell you how terrible it was. You don't need to bother. Even your kids will be bored. Just rewatch Home Alone instead.

Last Christmas (2019) 12A/PG-13

Once Last Christmas makes up its mind what kind of movie it wants to be, it's a bit of a treat. For the first 15 minutes it definitely thinks it's a Romantic-Comedy with the emphasis on the Comedy. Unfortunately, the jokes fall fairly flat and, at this point, I thought it was going to be completely useless. However, a third of the way in, it changes its mind and decides the genre it is actually going for is Smileable-Romantic-Drama-With-A-Christmas-Backdrop-And-A-Serious-George-Michael-Fetish. It's a niche genre, I grant you, but Last Christmas nails it.

The music is great, and I don't just mean the George Michael hits (if anything, some of them feel a bit shoehorned in at times, as if they just wanted to put them on the soundtrack album). Lots of the incidental cues riff on George Michael melodies and do it very successfully and the opening scene with a choir singing Heal The Pain is fab. The film has received a bit of a kicking from the British press, but you can put that mostly down to the film's political leanings (it's got a bit of an immigration subplot) which haven't gone down well with Brexiteer papers (conversely, the Mirror gave it 5 Stars).

It's got plenty of heart and Emilia Clarke is great (and proper, proper fit). Be warned: if you tend to blub at films, I can guarantee you will blub at this.

Christmas Cheese Rating: 7/10 - Despite it being chock full of Christmas scenes and references, it focuses on the story and characters more than 'the magic of Christmas'. It's very much a romance with a Christmas backdrop, rather than a 'Christmas Movie'. Snow Rating: 6/10 - It tries to be a bit snowy, but it is set exclusively in London and it isn't the world's snowiest city. Actually Any Good Rating: 8/10 - If we're comparing it to typical Hallmark/Netflix crapola, it is vastly superior, but then, you would hope it would be.